LGLG07

i dont even know where to start without being all over the map! on a wednesday nght a couple of wks ago i had to work , my son was with a friend in the neighborhood . when she drove him home i was alrdy gone and my husband was home w/other 3 kids . she just told me yesterday that she thinks my ah was drinking when she dropped my son off , said she could smell it . there are two issues here ..
1st -- embarrassment , you all know what i mean .
2nd - should i be a little mad at her for leaving my son and daughters there with him if she suspected this and didnt call to tell me , i have a cell phone .

this was a 1 1/2 wks ago and she just told me . i have suspected that my ah had been drinking here and there, he thinks he has everyone fooled but he doesnt . of course i keep it to myself because its not worth the fight . but now what do i do ?? the friend doesnt want to be mentioned (as they never do) . i just dont know how to approach the subject .

then last nght my 10 yr old daughter out of nowhere asked me if daddy was ever allowed to drink again . the only reason i can think of for her asking me that is that she suspects it too . imagine being 10 and worrying about whether or not your dad is drinking .... oh wait a minute , that was me ! am i letting history repeat itself or what ?

cmc

Your neighbor probably felt awkward about telling you and getting involved in 'your business' and that's probably why she took so long to tell you.
What good does it do to involve her? If he was drinking or not on that night does not change what he is doing now. She meant well and by telling your AH what she said you could cause problems for her that will only make things worse. It's not her job to help you 'prove' he is drinking and trying to hide it- you already know the truth.
The least of your problems is your neighbor. I hope you attend Alanon meetings and also bring your kids to Alateen where you can find some solutions for the situation you face.

ICU

I'd cut your friend some slack. I'm sure she felt she was in a difficult position and unsure of how to handle it...not sure if it was her business to say or do anything or not. She said she smelled alcohol when she dropped off your son. She didn't say there was a bar-room brawl going on where the kids were crying, left unattended or in obvious danger. Unless obvious abuse is going on, it's really not her place to call you to tattle on him. But, I can understand you wanting to know. Still, it wasn't her place really. Situtations like that can get very sticky, where both parties get mad at the messenger!

Buuuuuttttt.....now that you have some clues as to what's going on...your neighbor's statement and your daughter's questions....I'd say some red flags are a-wavin'!

It's up to you whether or not you want to confront him with this. But one thing I think I'd definitely do is limit the amount of time he spends alone with the kids. Like your neighbor, it's not your kids job, nor is it yours to monitor his drinking...except for when it puts you and your kids in danger.

Is Alanon something that you've looked into yet? Sorry, I don't remember if you have or haven't.

I know it's difficult for you just like it is/was for us too...there are probably more questions than there are answers right now. But hang in there....answers will be revealed in time.

LGLG07

Thank you both . you are right , i know . its silly of me to be upset with her , i know how awkward a situation this is . heck its so awkward i dont even know what to do ! i do try to limit the time he spends alone with them but with the days and hours i work , its hard .
i have gone to an alanon meeting but again , the time is so hard for me to find . im working now and was going to look and see if i can go to one on my way home . i have an hour commute though and im usually so anxious to get home to my kids , make sure they are okay , that its hard .

ICU

I understand about the difficulty of getting to Alanon meetings. In my area, there were only 2 that were scheduled at night. One of those was so poorly run it was a crime. The other one was not a good match for me for other reasons.

There might be some on the weekends in your area though. Maybe even some Alateen mtgs. scheduled at the same time for your kids??

In any event, you've got us so never feel as though you are alone in this, ok?

Over_It

That just happened to me about 2 months ago, only slightly differently. In my case my neighbor gave me permission to mention him by name and that, coupled with other incidents of him "getting sloppy" in his hiding the problem that similarly "outed" him with even more people, began the breaking through of denial that eventually has led to him going to rehab. (Hallelujah!) I went home and told him exactly what the neighbor told me and that people know - he wasn't successfully hiding it from everyone. It was good for me to know also that "people knew." It helped break through *my* denial and helped me get motivated.

It was very embarrassing at first, but then I had to deliberately intellectually detach and let *him* be embarrassed and feel the pain of the consequences he brought on to himself. People were very supportive of me. In my AH's case, it was what seemed a very public exposure of his drinking problem as he's very involved in our small community. People have been very supportive of him getting help. It hurt, but I had to move out of the way and let him feel the hurt. For me, I had to realize that the embarrassment was not mine to feel, but his.

I eventually started hiring babysitters even if he was around (he just went to bed and slept anyway). I even turned my mom down one time when she invited me to fly to the midwest with her to go to a family member's funeral. He told me I could go if I really wanted to and he'd figure out a way to stay home with the kids while I was away. I declined, he asked why, and I told him, "Because you're an active alcoholic and I can't trust you to take care of our kids when you're drinking." That was the end of it.

It is expensive to hire sitters for a job he should be doing, but it's a lot less costly than if one of them gets hurt and he's unable to take them to the hospital. Or, worse, decides to drive them somewhere and the kids or someone else gets hurt because he's driving while impaired. Also, with a sitter they aren't getting ignored.

I go to a Celebrate Recovery codependents group meeting at my church, partly because they provide childcare. If it weren't for that I wouldn't get to go either. CR adopts a lot of things from Al-Anon such as the 12 steps, etc, but they confirm it with scripture and the bible is quoted in support of the 12 steps/12 traditions.

Over_It

I've also heard some people say that open AA meetings are good to attend.

LGLG07

thks overit..good to know we are not alone..thk you for sharing your story with me . so glad that you are finding support , i know its not easy but its definitely inspiring!