Child needs therapy.... I need advice
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Utah
Posts: 20
Child needs therapy.... I need advice
Hi all,
Just a few weeks on this site and it is really good to see I am not alone with living with an addict.
I have three children 19, 16 and 11. The issue is with the 11 year old. After seeing her mother drunk dozens of times, she is very afraid of her mother when she is drunk. When she is sober she is the best mom I have ever seen. However, my wife's personality changes when she is drunk and my girl is afraid of her. Not afraid physically it just scares her to see her mother incoherant. There has been one situation when my wife hit her and that was my last straw leading me to admit her to Rehab about 8 weeks ago. My wife is three weeks out of Rehab and I learned a few days ago that my daughter has been teased at school for have a drunk mother. Last Friday we had a family meeting and announced to the kids our intent to divorse. I asked my 11 year old girl if she felt she needed to talk to a therapist just to have someone else to ask questions to or just talk. She said she would like to do that.
Any advice on what type of professional, how to prepare my daughter or any general advice before I take her?????
Thanks in advance....
Just a few weeks on this site and it is really good to see I am not alone with living with an addict.
I have three children 19, 16 and 11. The issue is with the 11 year old. After seeing her mother drunk dozens of times, she is very afraid of her mother when she is drunk. When she is sober she is the best mom I have ever seen. However, my wife's personality changes when she is drunk and my girl is afraid of her. Not afraid physically it just scares her to see her mother incoherant. There has been one situation when my wife hit her and that was my last straw leading me to admit her to Rehab about 8 weeks ago. My wife is three weeks out of Rehab and I learned a few days ago that my daughter has been teased at school for have a drunk mother. Last Friday we had a family meeting and announced to the kids our intent to divorse. I asked my 11 year old girl if she felt she needed to talk to a therapist just to have someone else to ask questions to or just talk. She said she would like to do that.
Any advice on what type of professional, how to prepare my daughter or any general advice before I take her?????
Thanks in advance....
let it grow!
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 15,540
hmmm...no advice for you. what about alateen, is she old enough for that as well? (not that i believe alanon/alateen replaces the importance of private therapy)..
good for you for giving her that opportunity. she's lucky to have you!
blessings, k
good for you for giving her that opportunity. she's lucky to have you!
blessings, k
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Central Coast, CA
Posts: 77
When I was looking for a therapist for my daughter I asked around a lot. Other parents who had sought help for their kids, called my church and asked for a referral, asked everyone I could who dealt with kids and was good. And prayed. The woman she eventually went to would do the session with my daughter and then we would talk about the session and she would give me some parent coaching for how to help with all of it.
One thing she told me to do was that each night during the bedtime routine I would tell her some story from my childhood. After that we prayed together and went to bed. Other times she could tell a story - anything, it just had to be made-up. This was a safe way for my daughter to give me some insight into her thoughts and feelings when she wasn't yet able to come right out and say them. Now that she's 11 we don't do this exact routine anymore, but she practices pitching and I (attempt to) catch for her and that's our special time.
One thing she told me to do was that each night during the bedtime routine I would tell her some story from my childhood. After that we prayed together and went to bed. Other times she could tell a story - anything, it just had to be made-up. This was a safe way for my daughter to give me some insight into her thoughts and feelings when she wasn't yet able to come right out and say them. Now that she's 11 we don't do this exact routine anymore, but she practices pitching and I (attempt to) catch for her and that's our special time.
Let Go Let God
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: jersey shore
Posts: 437
utahman i am so sorry you have to go through this . i did it with my kids and it tears my heart out to see them in pain , as far as im concerned you can run me over with a bus just dont mess with my kids . im sure you feel the same way .
my kids are 11, 9 & 7 , the baby will be 1 nxt month . I started cons. with my
three older kids right away , the rehab my husband was in had a family therapist there that we saw 2 times , after he was discharged i called several family therapist that specialized in children of alcoholic parents . we found one
that worked with our schedule and shes amazing !
it took a while for them to open up but they did and its the best thing i could of done for them.
lots of luck to you .. pls let us know how u made out .
i'll pray for you
my kids are 11, 9 & 7 , the baby will be 1 nxt month . I started cons. with my
three older kids right away , the rehab my husband was in had a family therapist there that we saw 2 times , after he was discharged i called several family therapist that specialized in children of alcoholic parents . we found one
that worked with our schedule and shes amazing !
it took a while for them to open up but they did and its the best thing i could of done for them.
lots of luck to you .. pls let us know how u made out .
i'll pray for you
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,358
Since I don't have children, I don't have any experience to share. But I am glad that you are getting her some help, and she's accepting help for what must be a very difficult time for her. Those darned kids at school....kids can be so mean sometimes.
Will your daughter be living with you or with her mother? Just wondering because your wife has been out of rehab for only 3 weeks. That's not a real long time and as such, I'm sure she's struggling with her own issues as well.
Will your daughter be living with you or with her mother? Just wondering because your wife has been out of rehab for only 3 weeks. That's not a real long time and as such, I'm sure she's struggling with her own issues as well.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 792
utahman, i don't have kids, so i can't even imagine what they're going through. but, i would recommend a licensed clinical social worker or even the school psychologist at your daughter's school (which is what i'll be in a year!) - the resources are free at your school and these are often the types of situations they're there for. also, the middle school level is often when the social worker or psychologist creates "groups" for students whose parents are divorcing, have an addiction, etc., where they can build friendships with others who are going through similar situations. of course, they can also talk individually to the psychologist or social worker.
everything is already ok
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Melbourne Victoria Australia
Posts: 19,789
Best to talk to your Doc they can out you onto some professionals and then you will have to talk to them and make up your own mind.
I wish you well, my daughter went to therapy and the way we found a therapist was to just what I suggested of course it helped that my ex is in the same profession.
All the best.
Kevin
I wish you well, my daughter went to therapy and the way we found a therapist was to just what I suggested of course it helped that my ex is in the same profession.
All the best.
Kevin
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Lost in NC
Posts: 416
Be careful who you chose as a therapist. There are a lot of quacks out there who will not help the situation. Therapy, for therapys sake, is not a good thing. Talk to some MD's in the area and get references. You should see him or her first so you can judge for yourself their skill, etc. Trust your gut.
Your daughter is acting normally. She should be afraid of her Mom. She knows she is not acting normally. Her fears are justified. She just needs help coping with these "justifiable" feelings.
Your daughter is acting normally. She should be afraid of her Mom. She knows she is not acting normally. Her fears are justified. She just needs help coping with these "justifiable" feelings.
Royalty
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Ohio
Posts: 366
Originally Posted by Sunflower 
as I have said before sometimes it takes a few tries before you find the right psych--don't give up--network as to who is good in these types of situations
My daughter absolutely hated her first therapist (who would only say that daughter had anger issues.....and made it seem that it was her fault that she was so dammmm mad at everyone)....and was also feeding her father and stepmother everything she talked about....which made her life hell, as she was questioned continuously about it. Same therapist did not want to meet with me at all.....major red flag....and would not give any records at all (just diagnosis really was all we were asking for, not individual transcripts) for court custody case......
Second therapist made it VERY CLEAR from the beginning, to her dad, that he would NOT be receiving ANY information about what daughter says. That was very reassuring for her, and she continued to meet with this counselor for over a year (weekly). She called me several times, wanting to meet with me. She wanted everyone involved.
So make sure your daughter is comfortable with whoever you choose. Also, insurance will cover some of it, but not all counselors accept insurance, so check that out too. And don't expect to get details, and if a counselor is offering up what your daughter says, then that is not the counselor you want. Also, you should ask your daughter if she prefers talking to a male or female....my daughter was more comfortable talking with a female, and my son also found that easier for him (but with a different counselor than daughter).
Overall, I think the experience was rather pointless.....at first I thought it was helping....but then as it dragged on, daughter was no different, and it seemed like she was analysing us after awhile.....if I told her to clean her room, she went to her therapist and complained, then came back and told me that her therapist knows how mean I am......like she had a ally, and was using it to her advantage.
You will know what's best for your daughter. I think a group setting like Alateen might be better for the kids, jmo, at least that way they know they aren't alone, just like all of us here feel when we log in. Now that you got me thinking about this, I may check into it for my kids. They went to a counselor for divorce/custody problems.....when all along, it was probably my drunk AH that was the underlying cause of alot of their problems.....
Thanks.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
Therapy was a bust for my kids.....EXCEPT for my son who later sought short-term help for himself from a therapist who was knowledgable about addiction and living with an alcoholic (she had done it herself and pro-Alanon,etc). The family guy we saw just increased the problems by blaming us for anger and non-support of an active alcoholic (AH) and for "causing him to drink",etc. and thought it "would be cool if daughter went had a slumber party and befriended" the daughter of AH's female "friend" we found out about,since they were the same age...UGH! Therapist didn't see why kids were upset dad was married but had a "friend" because it wasn't their business...and asked how it interferred with them!? That was our last visit to him for advice and help..... (son later filed complaint about that to state board of reviewers, I was told when he heard back from them and they agreed...)
Good luck. I understand. My kids (19y and 24y) hesitate to be around their father and have bad memories from the active times......that they now remove themselves from as much as possible.
Good luck. I understand. My kids (19y and 24y) hesitate to be around their father and have bad memories from the active times......that they now remove themselves from as much as possible.
survivor
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: florida usa
Posts: 25
Utahman, the best help for my 9-year old daughter came from the school psychologist. When my daughter is having a bad day, she can ask to go to the nurse, and the psychologist can give her a pep talk, check how her day is going, and give her the support she needs to finish out the day.
I tried the private therapy route, and it wasn't a good fit for my daughter. Maybe you will be luckier.
In either case, it is always a good idea to inform the teacher about what is going on. That way, the teacher can inform you of any changes in your daughter before the teacher might normally get in touch with you. And usually, they are a little more understanding with the child.
It is a tough time. Try to keep her life as "normal" as possible, be understanding, but make sure you don't let her break down her normal boundaries because she knows you are trying to make up for her mother's behavior (I learned that very early on).
Stay strong, for yourself and your children. You sound like a caring dad, and you will be fine. Two steps forward, one step back.
I tried the private therapy route, and it wasn't a good fit for my daughter. Maybe you will be luckier.
In either case, it is always a good idea to inform the teacher about what is going on. That way, the teacher can inform you of any changes in your daughter before the teacher might normally get in touch with you. And usually, they are a little more understanding with the child.
It is a tough time. Try to keep her life as "normal" as possible, be understanding, but make sure you don't let her break down her normal boundaries because she knows you are trying to make up for her mother's behavior (I learned that very early on).
Stay strong, for yourself and your children. You sound like a caring dad, and you will be fine. Two steps forward, one step back.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,358
Originally Posted by alcohol_sucks
...it is always a good idea to inform the teacher about what is going on. That way, the teacher can inform you of any changes in your daughter before the teacher might normally get in touch with you. And usually, they are a little more understanding with the child.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Upper Kolobia
Posts: 153
Here Are Some Utah References . . .
Try Dayspring at LDS Hospital; the director's name is Yasmine Wiker, and she's a solid citizen who knows alcoholism. codependency, and adolescents . . .
She'll probably mention Randal Oster who's a local psychologist (also solid). He's also a likely source for referrals . . .
Finally, the University of Utah Alcohol and Drug Clinic is also an excellent resource. The new director is Steve Shepherd whom I hear is excellent, and R.J. Goldstein still works up there . . .
She'll probably mention Randal Oster who's a local psychologist (also solid). He's also a likely source for referrals . . .
Finally, the University of Utah Alcohol and Drug Clinic is also an excellent resource. The new director is Steve Shepherd whom I hear is excellent, and R.J. Goldstein still works up there . . .
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