I have a headache...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Right on Steph!! What you said.
And Meg...I don't remember ever reading that. I probably did but it wasn't my day to hear it.
Look at this thread! I wasn't the only one ready to implode!! I am told by a very reliable source that the soapbox is not individually owned. It is available for use on the basis of need. It feels good once in a while to beat your chest!!
Hugs,
JT
And Meg...I don't remember ever reading that. I probably did but it wasn't my day to hear it.
Look at this thread! I wasn't the only one ready to implode!! I am told by a very reliable source that the soapbox is not individually owned. It is available for use on the basis of need. It feels good once in a while to beat your chest!!
Hugs,
JT
It is what it is!!!
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Sobriety
Posts: 5,767
This is an awesome thread.
Being an addict in recovery and living with an addict in recovery that I used with for many years thing are a little different.
After reading all your posts, I found it interesting that there was never a doubt in my mind to trust or not to trust Paul in our sober relationship. Is that because we are both in recvoery, maybe, i don't know. Now this is a man that when we were using, would go outside to get something out of the car and not come back for 3 days. But nothing like that crosses my mind today. If he is home, late, he calls. If he is going out for pie with the guys after bowling, he calls. I never asked him to he just does, and the same with me. Is this because of where we came from, probalby.
Now in relation to others in my life. I never asked anyone to trust me, and for a long time I wasn't trusted. When I got out of rehab and lived with my mom and my step dad (at the time) I was take the gas station if my car needed gas and the tank filled (befoe I got a job), then that just stopped happening after a while. It is actions. But I did not expect trust from them, I expected it from myself, no one else.
but I know I am coming from a little different point of view. Even a little different than you are Steph.
I hope this makes sense. What I believe is that if a person is truly in recovery, working a program, and taking responsiblity for past and present actions, they should not be expecting anyone to trust or not trust them, what is important is that they trust themselves, and the rest will follow.
(sorry for the book, but for obvious reasons, this hit home with me)
Being an addict in recovery and living with an addict in recovery that I used with for many years thing are a little different.
After reading all your posts, I found it interesting that there was never a doubt in my mind to trust or not to trust Paul in our sober relationship. Is that because we are both in recvoery, maybe, i don't know. Now this is a man that when we were using, would go outside to get something out of the car and not come back for 3 days. But nothing like that crosses my mind today. If he is home, late, he calls. If he is going out for pie with the guys after bowling, he calls. I never asked him to he just does, and the same with me. Is this because of where we came from, probalby.
Now in relation to others in my life. I never asked anyone to trust me, and for a long time I wasn't trusted. When I got out of rehab and lived with my mom and my step dad (at the time) I was take the gas station if my car needed gas and the tank filled (befoe I got a job), then that just stopped happening after a while. It is actions. But I did not expect trust from them, I expected it from myself, no one else.
but I know I am coming from a little different point of view. Even a little different than you are Steph.
I hope this makes sense. What I believe is that if a person is truly in recovery, working a program, and taking responsiblity for past and present actions, they should not be expecting anyone to trust or not trust them, what is important is that they trust themselves, and the rest will follow.
(sorry for the book, but for obvious reasons, this hit home with me)
believer
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: walking in faith
Posts: 1,023
What I believe is that if a person is truly in recovery, working a program, and taking responsiblity for past and present actions, they should not be expecting anyone to trust or not trust them, what is important is that they trust themselves, and the rest will follow.
Queen of one liners
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: walking beside you! Not in front of you.
Posts: 658
WOW!!!!!
This thread is truly increditable!!!!
As an adult child, I had to trust everything I was told so THEY WOULD Be who I thought I needed them to be....
there was no way I could trust myself or my reality...
Growing up with:
You don't see what you see
You don't hear what you hear
You don't say what you want to say
and above all you don't feel what you feel
really set me up for life of hell before Al-Anon....I still check out most of everything with my sponsor and home group because I need validation of my reality & my feelings, in a safe place .. a place where I am not judged, but am accepted..
for me especially after reading and re-reading this thread,
not only did I place myself in less than gentle hands but I really had a misplaced sense of loyality to everyone in my life...
Now that I have put the God of my understanding in the driver's seat, I am learning to put my trust in the right place...it was the only way I could really let go and learn acceptance of others the way they are...acceptance was hard for me at first but it comes with working the program one day at a time, instant by instant just like serenity comes. Today it's finding the balance...
Thank you to all of you who have shared..One more time you are the greatest mircles in the world...That's my opion and I am intitled to it...Love,~~A~~
As an adult child, I had to trust everything I was told so THEY WOULD Be who I thought I needed them to be....
there was no way I could trust myself or my reality...
Growing up with:
You don't see what you see
You don't hear what you hear
You don't say what you want to say
and above all you don't feel what you feel
really set me up for life of hell before Al-Anon....I still check out most of everything with my sponsor and home group because I need validation of my reality & my feelings, in a safe place .. a place where I am not judged, but am accepted..
for me especially after reading and re-reading this thread,
not only did I place myself in less than gentle hands but I really had a misplaced sense of loyality to everyone in my life...
Now that I have put the God of my understanding in the driver's seat, I am learning to put my trust in the right place...it was the only way I could really let go and learn acceptance of others the way they are...acceptance was hard for me at first but it comes with working the program one day at a time, instant by instant just like serenity comes. Today it's finding the balance...
Thank you to all of you who have shared..One more time you are the greatest mircles in the world...That's my opion and I am intitled to it...Love,~~A~~
JT 
)
Member
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: georgia
Posts: 531
Two more cents, I have to agree with what Pauline said that if truely they are in recovery they aren't worried wether or not someone trust them. After all I feel certain that THEIR recovery is not please anyone, but THEMSELVES not to regain our trust!
My husband has not stopped drinking, however; since I started working the program things have improved a ton. He doesn't hang out at the bar anymore and he lets me know where he is going. No more leaving for lunch and not coming home until bed time. If he is going out, he will call me....not just dissapear, on the other hand, I'm not looking for him either. Trust is a two way street and there are different levels of trust. We are on a new level, but that isn't guaranteed.
The bottom line is that we are all human and ALL make mistakes that violate the trust that others have in us on some level. The only perfect person is our Father whom we all can have total trust on all levels. We should build our lives around that trust and put our faith in Him.
Constant
My husband has not stopped drinking, however; since I started working the program things have improved a ton. He doesn't hang out at the bar anymore and he lets me know where he is going. No more leaving for lunch and not coming home until bed time. If he is going out, he will call me....not just dissapear, on the other hand, I'm not looking for him either. Trust is a two way street and there are different levels of trust. We are on a new level, but that isn't guaranteed.
The bottom line is that we are all human and ALL make mistakes that violate the trust that others have in us on some level. The only perfect person is our Father whom we all can have total trust on all levels. We should build our lives around that trust and put our faith in Him.
Constant
Supply Manager
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Right...IF the person considers your trust valuable they will do what is needed to regain it...or like Ward and I, never lose it.
He hung in bars when he was younger and I was always welcome to join him unannounced. If he wasn't home I knew where he was and I could call. ("One more beer and I will be home") We had an unspoken agreement that I wouldn't call to bitch or walk in and try to drag him out. If I did I pretty much deserved what I got. But he was always home for dinner or after softball or something he was no later than midnight or so. After that I would worry. Compared to my first husband Ward was a saint and I appreciated the pact we had. He is an honest guy who drinks too much.
Daffodil...you sound like you were looking in my windows as I was growing up. Those lessons learned at a young age crippled me for a very long time. Mostly the "you don't see what you see or hear what you hear" and I too still have to check to see if my reality is what I think it is. Anyone who knows me here knows that about me.
Now Meg...where did I put that book??
Hugs,
JT
He hung in bars when he was younger and I was always welcome to join him unannounced. If he wasn't home I knew where he was and I could call. ("One more beer and I will be home")
We had an unspoken agreement that I wouldn't call to bitch or walk in and try to drag him out. If I did I pretty much deserved what I got. But he was always home for dinner or after softball or something he was no later than midnight or so. After that I would worry. Compared to my first husband Ward was a saint and I appreciated the pact we had. He is an honest guy who drinks too much.Daffodil...you sound like you were looking in my windows as I was growing up. Those lessons learned at a young age crippled me for a very long time. Mostly the "you don't see what you see or hear what you hear" and I too still have to check to see if my reality is what I think it is. Anyone who knows me here knows that about me.
Now Meg...where did I put that book??
Hugs,
JT
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: The Basement
Posts: 724
That must be the underlying personality trait of the codepedent or something. I had the same thing growing up. You don't see what you see hear what you hear or feel what you feel. Sometimes I even got critisized for what I heard saw and felt. It has taken a long time to believe in myself. I checked everything out with other people until I realized that other people have agendas too, even though they may not realize they may be imposing them on me.
Marrying an alcoholic didn't help but a guy like my husband needs a girl like me. He needs to convince himself that I'm the problem so he can go on blissfully in his denial. Well growing up with those messages makes me the perfect sitting duck to buy right into it. I bought into his Bull s... for a long time before I found recovery. i used to get so angry when he would lie over and over and then try to convince me it's my fault, that I would yell. That's what my reaction is to him usually. He had me so convinced all our problems stemmed from my anger, I went to a psychiatrist and told him that my anger is so bad, it's hurting my marriage and he put me on prozac. Once we were in therapy together I found out that my anger is a healthy reaction to being treated unfairly. Go figure.
Marrying an alcoholic didn't help but a guy like my husband needs a girl like me. He needs to convince himself that I'm the problem so he can go on blissfully in his denial. Well growing up with those messages makes me the perfect sitting duck to buy right into it. I bought into his Bull s... for a long time before I found recovery. i used to get so angry when he would lie over and over and then try to convince me it's my fault, that I would yell. That's what my reaction is to him usually. He had me so convinced all our problems stemmed from my anger, I went to a psychiatrist and told him that my anger is so bad, it's hurting my marriage and he put me on prozac. Once we were in therapy together I found out that my anger is a healthy reaction to being treated unfairly. Go figure.
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