do we ever learn??

Old 04-04-2007, 09:39 PM
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do we ever learn??

One day I would love to come online here and see all posts that everyone worked things out in their lives--went their own way or worked together to get help that the A wanted finally---It really is all such a waste of our precious time/life to keep this constant battle going on and on and on.....why WHY do we allow it?????
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Old 04-05-2007, 12:04 AM
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Hey there Sunflower,

Originally Posted by Sunflower View Post
...One day I would love to come online here and see all posts that everyone worked things out in their lives...
I dunno, looks to me like everybody here _is_ working things out in their lives. The thing is we're all doing it one day at a time instead of all at once. None of us got in this mess in just one day, so we all need to take a little time to get out of the mess.

Originally Posted by Sunflower View Post
...It really is all such a waste of our precious time/life to keep this constant battle going on and on and on.....why WHY do we allow it?????
Can't tell you about anybody else. I can only share about me. The reason _I_ allowed it was a combination of things. My ex-wife's addiction built up very slowly, so I didn't see it 'till it was too late. I stayed in the marriage cuz I felt that my self-worth as a man depended on sticking it out no matter what. I truly believed I was doing her good by staying with her, didn't understand that I was enabling her. Once I understood all that I was able to "detach" and eventually be free of the insanity that I contributed to, but I didn't figure it all out in just one day. Took me awhile.

How about _you_. What are your reasons?

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Old 04-05-2007, 01:03 AM
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Pretty like what morning glory said, but it got uglier and uglier.
Without even relizing it..I've adjusted to chaos and became
comfortable with it, but it got worst and worst. I felt if thou
I coldn't live without it...not so much her, She became the
vechicle for my insanity, my dramma, my anger, my co-dependency.

There's was a lot of hurt, anger, frustration, insanity inside of me. It
had to work itself out of me somehow, But I had to be carefully not
to feed into my dramma again...the same as the As would substitute
with meetings, but it's okay if i did. It's part of my learning curve.
It's part of the process or an [art of my recovery.

Okay...we worked things out...i had to loose all my marbles
I had to hit my co-dependency bottom. Mentally, emotionally, spirtually
and finacially. Having a break down was actaully a break through.
I basically woke up oneday and was sick of all the crap.
For some reason i don't struggle anymore, perhapse i stopped strugling
from hitting my bottom. i surrender, i give up the fight.
For some damn reason if I walk my program, i didn't give her
crap to react to. And if she decides to go on a run..let her, oh freaken well.
I'm not going to go through my crap again. it's a good thing
i don't have those damn marbles anymore to try and figure it
Without's clear as day.
I'm Happy without having to think.....just be happy....simple ain't

So yeah all this dramma seems a waste of time....but i can't
forget where i came from. A lot of people helped me and was
there for me. I can only keep what I have by giving it away.
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Old 04-05-2007, 02:17 AM
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Why oh why do we allow it?

Simply because we are chemicaly addicted to the feelings of the has developed from years of worry, pain,of gut twisting

(love), and the enormous 24 hour absolutely impossible task of fixing

other people's lives. Family members and others we care about.

I was accused of this on my job as a social worker, I never could leave

my worries about families and children at the office or the shelters,

or problems I had detetcted in Foster homes that day. It finally burned

me out. And now, another challenge is set before me, she was just here,

and I want so much to fix her. This person is more dear to me than most

people in my whole life, we share the same disease, but God has placed

others in her path that are already helping her, and I agree are better to

lead her into sobriety, I am just too darn close. I am barely getting well

myself, and worrying about her has my serenity already tearing on the

outside seams. I now have 15 months without a drink and with the

support I have here on SR and at home I will be all right. I turn this

family member over. Pray for her, detach in love, help others.

Hang out with the winners, Sunflower.

Help some newcomers, give them the hope they come here searching for.

Turn your loved ones over each day to the God of your understanding.

Stand back and watch what happens.

It is working for me today.



Last edited by IO Storm; 04-05-2007 at 02:37 AM.
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Old 04-05-2007, 03:12 AM
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Excellent questions...excellent responses!

Why do we allow it?

It's similar, but yet different for each of us I think.

In my case, I would have to say that the turmoil I found myself in was the direct result, or consequences of all my previous choices and actions. How I was raised was also a huge part of it....the lessons learned and unresolved issues from my childhood (which still haunt me from time to time, even today) helped mold me into the person I was and the choices I've made.

When it finally got to be too much, when I finally realized that the choices I had made could end up literally killing me, is when I sought out and was willing to do whatever it was to change that. For me, it was not only getting out of an abusive relationship with my exab, but taking the time to understand how I got involved with him, and the reasons why I stayed with him for as long as I did. I needed to understand so I would NOT REPEAT the same pattern. I had to look at me on the 'inside'. I was finally ready!

There are many success stories here. I think, just like in the news, the bad gets more publicity than the good. I've watched people come here, torn up into little pieces, and put one foot in front of the other and have moved on with their lives....healthier lives! I don't want to name names, but there's a lot!!!

Not to pat myself on the back, but I feel like I'm one of those success stories, but still with a long way to go. I'm safe now. I'm in control of my life and my choices now. I make the best decisions that I can with the knowledge that I now have. Sure, something may come along and upset my apple cart and send me back to undesirable thoughts and behavior. But, if that happens, it's only temporary. I have tools now that I didn't have before that helps me to analyze the situation, identify my mistakes, learn from it and move on.

I think that each time we reach out and ask for help, or share, or vent, or offer someone else encouragement and comfort, we are one step further along in our journey to a happier, healthier life.
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Old 04-05-2007, 09:26 PM
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yes our posting here no matter how we feel or what shape we are in--I sure hope it helps others--I try myself..maybe I am not to good at it..

true what you say about working in the medical field-I burned myself out as well cause I just couldn't stand the injustice around me...
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Old 04-06-2007, 09:01 AM
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Originally Posted by Sunflower View Post
It really is all such a waste of our precious time/life to keep this constant battle going on and on and on.....why WHY do we allow it?????
My life in recovery isn't perfect, but it's a wonderful journey compared to 27 years in alcoholism. I have to give it away to keep it, by sharing with others I'm given a daily reprieve from insanity.

I'll take another 24 hours please.
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Old 04-06-2007, 10:21 AM
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In sobriety I've come to accept that life simply isn't easy. It's all about the challenges and opportunities for growth. As a drunk..I was a child stamping her feet about the injustice and difficulty of reality. I wanted life to be fun and easy. I wanted to cruise along without conscience....or open eyes really.

I starting to understand the rewards of becoming an adult. It's hard...I have my "wah wah" moments no doubt...but I'm finally growing up and learning how to be my own best friend. I'm learning how to love and take care of me cuz life is indeed a battle so ya gotta keep yourself in fighting form..emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually.
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Old 04-06-2007, 11:07 AM
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---It really is all such a waste of our precious time/life to keep this constant battle going on and on and on.....
What really was a waste was how I used to live- constantly taking care of things for others, so obsessed with juggling it all.

Like a circus show I saw as a child: A man juggling two plates- a third gets tossed in, and a fourth and so on. He keeps the plates moving, and doesn't miss a beat or drop one.

The problem with me was the progression of addiction kept adding more 'plates' into the game and pretty soon I had reached my limit.
Y'know I'm not such a good juggler!

I stopped the 'game' and found out that I had choices and life is so much better now. I still have my own plates to juggle because life brings both difficulty and joy- but they are mine, not somebody else's. Being in recovery has enabled me to realize what is mine to juggle and what belongs to someone else.

There is so much freedom to be had in being responsible just for me- not other people, places and things.
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Old 04-06-2007, 02:32 PM
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its sunflower----you are confusing me lol--I am already confused enough
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Old 04-07-2007, 12:18 AM
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Sunflower, I ask myself this question often. If my EX ah (ex husband, not ex alcoholic, drug user!), and I didn't have children together, life would be different. I guess we are all in different stages of recovery, either from addiction or from the addict. We all go at our own pace. My next step is cutting off all contact, including contact with the children. I just keep on thinking what is best for the kids. It is a process, that I am working through, and making good decisions...the decisions just take a while to come.

But I am in a better place than I was a year ago, even a month ago. And tomorrow will be even be better!
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Old 04-07-2007, 07:08 AM
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For my part, I learned how to live a better life and find happiness by reprograming my mind.

I lived in chaos as a child, and I continued the acceptance of insanity well into my 50's. I just didn't understand that there was a better way. Then I really focused on me and my recovery from codependency, one baby step at a time.

Not easy, but doable with the right mindset and determination. If a person can start forcusing on themselves and not let the "others" take up so much of their space, then they start to heal, and are ready to jump feet first into their recovery.

I will be in recovery from codependendcy the rest of my life, I still have to stop myself from wanting to try and save everyone else, and put myself first.

Each day, I get stronger and am finding more happiness and peace.
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Old 04-07-2007, 11:08 AM
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Do we ever learn?
That may be a trick question.

We only learn when we are ready too.

As was said already, we all come here in different phases of our recovery. But hopefully even those that seem to be moving slowly (Goodness knows I felt that I was a turtle for a long time in that sense) are still learning.

We each have to learn what is best for ourselves. And sometimes that means we slip, we stumble, and we fall. I think the lesson comes into play when we decide what we are going to do about that. Not about the A - but about ourselves.
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Old 04-08-2007, 12:45 AM
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it is what it is...
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Sunflower. Just when I think my insanity has stopped. He is in jail. When I talk to him he is nice, when I go see him he is my friend. I didn't realize really how much I still need the help and direction you guys give me to keep in mind what I have to do. I was with my forbidden friend not too long ago. All I could hear in my head was my A screaming. Screaming that I was dirty and horrible and a liar ect, ect. My A and i aren't even planning to be together when he gets out. We are just enjoying the sobriety right now. I could have stayed with my friend, he asked me to sleep over like I used to and I couldn't. Not because I didn't care or didn't like him but because of my screaming brain. It sucked. I deserve to be happy too but I knew the guilt would overwhelm me. So my insanity hasn't stopped. My insanity remains in my own mind. I have to fix it. I don't really know how except to be alone right now. No men. I can't handle them right now. I can hardly handle myself. So I don't know that I will ever be able to come here completely recovered. It makes me mad that I need to be here anyway. But I am definately glad I came. I am glad for all of you. Thank you for having me. B
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Old 04-08-2007, 11:17 AM
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it is what it is...
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Ugh - my heart hurts

I keep trying to ignore it but I still hurts! My best friend of 17 years left this morning. It is so silly that I feel so bad. She took a 3 month traveling nurse job 6 hours away and left her kids here to finish out school and she will be traveling back and forth for them. I will probably see her more then I did when she lived here now. But it feels funny not having her across town. This morning I thought after EAster dinner I would call her and see if she wanted to meet at our favorite biker bar for a bloody Mary but I cannot. I bought her a childish keychain yesterday. Little puzzle pieces- one said best and the other said friends. I gave it to her as she was getting in her truck. She gave me my late Valentines present. A silly pink and white spotted giraffe. We thanked each other, I pranced the giraffe and made a joke and we both just stood there looking at each other.
I met her later last night and we talked about it as we were walking to the car. I said I felt like if I didn't hurry and leave I would cry. She said she did when she got in the truck. I told her I did too in my car. We both laughed and hugged. Her and I are both very tough. "We don't cry". It is funny we can't cry in front of each other. I am sure we would have never stopped if we had.
I can't believe how much this bothers me. I never used to feel anything about anything. Now it seems like the feelings I have are always sad ones. I am working on excitement and happiness. I want to be like my neice who gets excited and jumps up and down with one arm in the air when I remember to buy her strawberries. I am glad I am hanging out with her today.
OK I'm done now, thank you for letting me ramble. B
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Old 04-08-2007, 03:56 PM
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I lose them and find them and lose them and find them and lose them and find them. I'm in the process of buying some new marbles and throwing out the old ones.
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Old 04-08-2007, 04:48 PM
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Bjen---sadness seems to come with the territory--I remember one year in my life-where as you say--I felt nothing but complete sadness-it was awful-I thought nothing could be worse than this--then wham--it got worse-by then we go into survival mode and stop feeling anything--I dont know which is worse sometimes...

I only found ''myself'' when I learned to meditate and study Buddhism--I learned how to temporarily focus on small gifts around me-the sun--a flower-beautiful music-a small child--to BREATH!! Then I learned to chant-that may sound strange to some of you but I learned to really clear my mind....of course I dont practise as I should and it shows when I don't--I have frequent meltdown lol.

Life is constantly changing--friend move away--people die-jobs end--babies are born--thats why I always think to make life harder than it already naturally is is such a waste...well thats just me...I just keep trying---just like you...
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Old 04-08-2007, 05:33 PM
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Why do we allow it?

That is such a good question. I've been examining and trying to come up with an answer.

For me, I just have, have, have to believe that there is something I'm supposed to learn. I'm for sure not ready to pack it all in(maybe someday but not today).

Today I'm trying to learn whatever lessons are propelling me into a better tomorrow.

I don't know if that answers the questions, "Why do we allow it?" But it feels good to me. There are some things I would never know without being here and going through all this craziness and until I'm ready to change the scenery I'm going to do my very best to get out of today all that is available to me.
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Old 04-09-2007, 05:31 AM
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Today I'm trying to learn whatever lessons are propelling me into a better tomorrow...

Thanks Chero.

That one hit me right in the (wherever it is wen you feel truth)



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