cmc

"I'm sorry you feel that way." has become a catchphrase that many do use to avoid real communication. I think the 9 words: 'I was wrong, I am sorry, please forgive me' are much better.

If honest communication has taken place...and there is still a disagreement- then to me "I'm sorry you feel that way." can mean we agree to respectfully disagree and/or I meant you no harm. It's not genuine without proper intent on both sides. Minus respect it's all garbage talk meant to diminish someone's feelings and dignity.

I've had it said to me before onetime and it was not said in kindness. My reply?
'Oh really? I'm disappointed to hear you say that.'...and then as a well trained codie...I walked away and let it go to my HP.

Whoever said "Love means never having to say you're sorry" must have flunked Relationships 101 class! (It made for a good movie though!)

nogard

lol

Woo hoo you go girl

Kevin

duet_4-8

Yesterday my (soon-to-be)EXAH said in one of the seven voice mails he left among the 18 (unanswered) calls he made to my cell phone:

"I'm sorry you are such a hateful, cruel, bitter woman that you can't even talk to me.."

True addict 'apology' if I ever heard one....

SaTiT

A letter to Michelle....
It not fair that a codi gets to forget. Forget about his/hers
responsiblities, anger, madness, emotional out breakes, drama.
Outrageouse demands, play private detective.
Excuse the hell out me if the words came out all wrong.
I'm surprize you havn't complain about the damn dust on top
of the door. So i'm not surprized that you rather fix me and
focus on my flaws instead of dealing with your own issues.

That's Why babe...i love you very much. I'm sorry you feel that way...
I really, really do... cuz i can't stand it anymore. Sorry we didn't
see eye to eye...I had to escape for a while.
Damn.....you were so sweet when i first met ya....what the hell happened?

i'm sorry your mother was a drunk and I'm sorry father was an addict.
i'm sorry that you tried...tried so hard to keep it all together.
I'm sorry you couldn't get me to get sober either.

GlassPrisoner

I'm sorry you feel that way......

*ahem*



From pg 83 of the Big Book of AA:

"A remorseful mumbling that we are sorry will not fit the bill at all...."

I make amends. Not just apologize. That means doing what I can to right the wrong, admitting that I was wrong, and had a large part (if not all) in the matter, and living in a way that is different than what I used to. Living Amends. Change.

duet_4-8

this is happiness????

Astro

Cheryl, I'm not sure that if I'd continued drinking I'd ever forget the chaos I was creating, but I know that I would've drank even more to hide from the pain and shame.

In recovery I don't expect anyone to forgive or forget, but I hope to eventually forgive myself and help others through my experiences.

cmc

I don't recall anything in the program that suggests we are to forget. I forgive for myself, so I won't have the bitterness eating away at _me_. I choose to forgive another and _maybe_ give that person another chance- or 2 or 3...

My choice is based on what I can tolerate. Nobody can forget and that is why we need boundaries and consequences- this is 'my part' since only I am responsible for what I allow.

So many of us who love an addict don't have the 'luxury' of being blacked out or so inebriated as to not recall many awful things that happened. I have so many terrible memories and short of a lobotomy I'll always have those thoughts to deal with. Oftentimes these are my triggers in my own recovery.

The addict does have remorse and it's part of the cycle of the disease. They are destroying themselves with remorse and all the covering up of emotions.

Resentments are common on both sides and that's the beauty of recovery- but I can only take care of what's mine and the same goes for everyone else.

Glass..._I_ can make amends too... I can tell my son that I am sorry that I bailed him out and rescued him when he was a grown man and capable of taking care of things for himself. I can and have told him that I did the best I knew how and/or was able to at the time. I did not cause, can't cure or control the disease...I can contribute.

Those amends can be made - hopefully on both sides, but perhaps not and if things just can't be fixed as a result of this disease and I have to move on, have no contact, end a relationship etc. maybe at that point the phrase: "I'm sorry you feel that way" just might be an appropriate way to detach. jmho

hope2bhappy

cmc... This is EXACTLY how I feel.

Of course, I do realize it depends on what context this phrase is used. There are times when it is appropriate and sincere... and there are times (I think) when its meant to be an insult. Too often, it is the latter. I have heard this "catch phrase" used ever since I began Al-Anon back in the mid-1980's. I didn't like it then, and I like it even less now (especially when it is coming from my recovering AH). To me it is dismissive and disrespectful -- a cop out.

My AH used it yesterday morning during an argument. It was HIS way of ending the discussion and making his grand exit out the door. I'm left standing there feeling as if I've just been slapped in the face. Completely unfulfilled, because I still had unresolved feelings and more to say.

Last night, we were able to have a less heated discussion and worked some things out. I asked him to please not use that phrase with me in the future, as I did not find it helpful.

I LOVED your "I'm disappointed" response, by the way.

cmc

Hope2b,
I'm always amazed at how words can be twisted to prove a point, disregarding facts, context and meaning. It's just another reason why I need to be educated and sure of what I believe and know. Be it religion, politics or interpersonal relationships...words can help or hurt. It's another reason why I love all the slogans in the rooms of recovery.
They are simple and to the point, like "say what you mean and mean what you say- but don't say it mean."
It sure seems like your AS really is sorry you feel that way...but will not own up to his own side of the fence. Another thing to consider is that when I expect something from someone unable or unwilling to give it...I set myself up for disappointment and perhaps resentment too.

SaTiT

Yes " F-it "....it's the short form serinity prayer
It's direct..it's right to the piont....let go and let god, drop it.
In the heat of the moment with all the endorphins firing in my brain.
Being holier than thou probably would be my reactions.
I perfer not to get on my knees later on and ask for forgivness.
I hate saying I'm sorry.....F-it, i don't have to.
Principles before personalities.

Surely I can get really creative and hurt people using 5 syllables words
deeming myself superior. There's a dictionary within my arm's reach.

Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.
It's my perceptions what the words are, it's how i process the words.
Rather is not just a simple fact that i might have trust issues.
Living with an active alcohlic...I surely had develope some miss trusting
behaviors. " I am hurt" is simple and direct to the piont.
And how insane would i be to expect an alcoholic that's numb
and encapable of feelings anything or just trying to cope...to fix me ???
F-it...i had have enough.

Happiness is an inside job. It can't get any more direct than that.
I rather focus on the salutions than focus on the problems.

prodigal

Condescending. Patronizing. Just plain a** phoney. "I'm sorry you feel angry." Yeah, right. Why is someone else accepting an apology I have not even offered for how I feel???

It puts the responsibility for the situation - his feelings, my feelings, your feelings, the Martian's feelings, Scooby-Doo's feelings .... on MY plate!

Last time my AH told me "I'm sorry your upset," I responded with "It's really none of my business how you feel, is it?" Sorry, my a**!!! ARRRGGGHHHHHH!!

SaTiT

I dunno...I refuse to punish my gf today.

If I deem or choose not to continue the relationship, then i should leave.
it's simple and direct.

My chioce is to stay and work it out. So...whats the piont of making
more wreakage or keeping the flame of chaos going
More dramma...been there and done that.

All I know is..she aplogized to me enough times and i was still angery.
I was angery at her...so it didn't mattered what came out of her mouth
or what she did or didn't do...I was angery period, to be more direct.
Somewhere alone the line, i had to stop blaming her for my unhapiness.
What responibilities. To whom...she's not responsiable for my happiness.
I don't know how a decent person suppose to act like...I seen it watching the Cleavers.

If you will . i was so damn angery at her. I slept in my car for over a month
to stay away from her. i removed myself from her. i did'nt want to be around
her. Being around her at the piont was triggering all kinds of pioson in me.
i had to do what i had to do...simple and direct.

She's human before she's alki. So I figure i treat her with decency and
respect of a human being.
Somewhere thorugh all of the chaos...i forgot that.

Since I'm spiritaul and all...she's a child of god. And i'm not in the
posistion to be punishing or judging god's children.

And me being human and all , and i feel pain or have pain.
Maybe just maybe she's hurting and feel those things too.
I don't belive she set out to destroyed our lives
I don't need to be too enlighten to figure that one out.

SaTiT

It's not against the law for her to get drunk.
it's not even a sin for her to get drunk..JC truned water into wine all the time.

It's me that has the problem with her drinking.
It me that's making her ly or hide her drinking.
If i wasn't in her life....why would she need to ly or hide anything ?
If i wasn't in her life , she can go have sex with whoever she pleases.

Pilgrim

nogard

I will be home late tonight = will get drunk as a skunk and see what else I can get up too

Someone hit the car at work in the car parrk = I was so outta it I reveresed into the wall

SaTiT

Hello sweet .....
translations , the old one is a B, time to trade in 4 a new and improve model.

I have to go 2 a meeting= a meeting of a younger kind

Hello sweets= 2 meetings in the conference

Thank god= it's about damn time she filed for a divorced

Middle age crisis= 3 meetings

I'm tired= seriously...I'm tired

I'm broke= meetings arn't free

I'm sorry u feel that= time 2 trade in 4 a younger model

Grasshopper

Im sorry you feel that way.
Today this is music to my ears.it puts the focus where it belongs,that thats on me.The more i need others to validate me,or my feelings,the more control i allow others to have.here take me,do as you wish.But when i take responsibility for my own thoughts/feelings,and i find that these are hurtful to me,i can change them,and learn to think/feel in new enhancing ways.If someone is hurtful towards me,saying things,i can choose to be hurt,or i can choose to let it go,knowing that this person also is resposibible for their own thoughts/feelings,which has everything to do with them and not me.What this does is gives me freedom.Doesnt mean that i never hurt,it means that i make choices for healing,whether another aplogies/amends or not.My life is not hung up on what others do or dont do.
this is whats working for me today.

SaTiT

It took me a while to relize some of my defects of characters.
The answers where there in black and white in so, so many pages
of so, so many books. I had to suffer consequence before I
was willing to change

I Thought if I felt like crap that everyone and everybody should
feel what i feel and understand. I thought if i hurt, my family
should hurt too, to verify me. I was in total denia of what I
sour puss I was. It was always easier to piont out someone-
esle's fault. Nohting more than a crack pot calling a kettle black.

Step#1, I'm powerless over people , places and things.
obiviouly I'm powerless of whats is going to come out of
someone's mouth or how they act...it's too simple and not complicated
but extreemly difficult if I nevered worked the steps.

alcohol_sucks

I'm sorry, I feel so guilty...why don't you believe me...how could you think I would do that...don't you remember all the good times?...why don't you believe me...why won't you give me what I want? (usually $)...see, now you're making me feel badly about myself, it's all your fault.

(phone rings again 2 minutes later) I'm sorry, I didn't really mean that...I really love you, why don't you believe me? (repeat of last conversation)

The moral: Just don't give them the chance to make you crazy!