townie

When is it OK to reach out to friends who you think might benefit from attending alanon. If someone calls your husband to go pick up their passed out husband and somehow your husband is sober enough to go do it, does that give you an "in" to talk to them about your experience....or am I just being pushy to want to do this. Any advice from anyone out there?

FormerDoormat

These days, I generally wait until someone asks for help. That way, they're more likely to be listening.

chero

Hmm...for me, personally, if somebody had come to me with a suggestion I'd have been relieved. I needed help and didn't know how to ask for it.

Golfman

Townie,

I'm Ed, I'm an alcoholic. I don't mean to intrude, but thought I might be of help. From my experience, it might not be a good idea to come right out with the suggestion. However, you could word it like this..." You know, I used to have to call people to go get my husband, but I don't have to do that anymore." That might elicit a question from the other person like..."Well, how come you don't have to do that anymore?"

That may be a way for you to say that you're attending Alanon and explain what Alanon has done for you. This may raise just enough curiosity that the person might continue to ask questions. The maybe, before you know it , she might ask how she could find a group like that.

Just a suggestion. I've found that an indirect approach like that, talking about your own experience, may be the invitation that someone needs.

Hope this helps.

Your friend in sobriety,
Ed

chero

You know, Golfman, you're right about talking about yourself first...making it personal first. Then seeing where it leads.

But, I'm still for doing it...start the ball rolling somehow.

Sunflower

maybe send some info to their home with no return address--so they know where to go for help and meetings?

townie

I am tempted by the sending info with no return address thing....not just for Alanon, but for AA too....it may or may not get read. The sharing about myself thing seems very appropriate. I feel like I should do that. I just have to get the courage. It is very much a part of my personality to not want to offend anyone. Funny thing how that works though...this particular drinker is an extended family member who has become drunk and beligerant at various family events.... but still we all tip-toe around the whole situation because we don't want to offend anyone by using the word alcoholic. In fact, not wanting to call my own spouse an alcoholic is what almost kept me away from alanon. However, in the end, it was my own craziness that made me know that I had to go for me...and that is what I would like to share about myself with this extended family members wife if I can gather enough courage. I have not told anyone about my alanon attendance except my therapist because I don't want to violate my spouse's privacy by making anyone suspect that I think he has a problem.

OK.... I am sure this whole reply probably makes me sound like I am not too far along in my recovery, but this is where I am at at this moment.

Over_It

If I had called someone to pick up my husband I would've probably needed some support and would have welcomed someone else that would understand what it was like to be in my shoes. It may also be possible that it's your friend's "cry for help" as she could correctly suspect that your husband would let you know that he is picking up her husband because he's drunk and passed out. Also, it sounds like from the family events, and possibly more you don't know about, this is not a new thing, and not too many people would be surprised to hear he passed out and needed a ride home. As one neighbor put it to me about my AH, "People know."

Approaching it from a "this is what happened to me" perspective is probably the least threatening and most honest way you could do it. It would also let her know that you wouldn't reject her if she had such a problem and perhaps she could open up to you when she feels ready. Who knows how entrenched in denial she is... or isn't...

I'd probably pray about it first too.

nogard

Hi my name is Kevin and I am an addict in recovery.

In general these days I tend to take the oppurtunities to talk to people when we meet, I figure thats my HP whispering in my ear

Kevin

townie

Dear Nogard and Over It, thank you so much for your reminders that there is a higher Power in Whom I can put my trust. This has probably been one of the most helpful aspects of alanon for me. And Over It, you are correct that nobody was surpised to be called to pick up this family member. What is more surprising is to hear that this family members wife had poured out all the alcohol in their home recently. You see, several years ago, both our husbands attended NA for a while. Neither myself nor the other wife went to our own meetings though and we all thought the problem was over when our husbands gave up the substance that had brought them to NA and when the husbands stopped attending NA we had no problem with that because they were no longer using...But, neither of us felt like we could say anything about the alcohol because it is a legal substance. But anyway, thank you again for the reminder to pray about this. That is what I plan to do.

townie

Just found out that the matriarch of our extended family is planning some type of intervention...nothing to do with AA ...just an anouncement that drunkeness is a sin and if these guys can't drink without getting drunk then they need to quit drinking. I hope it is helpful. Also found out that matriarch's husband had been a very heavy drinker. She is very confused though as to why this next generation is having drinking problems when her husband never drank around his family (although because of this he was rarely home). Such a tough decision to decide about letting them drink in the home or not. On the one hand, it is nice to have them at home if they pass out and just to know where they are...on the other hand, I suppose it's not good for the kids...but that is a whole separate topic. Ok, back to focusing on putting things in the hands of a higher power.

Over_It

Hi Townie,

Sounds like matriarch is setting some boundaries. When consequences happen it hurts some, but without them change seldom occurs.

Keep praying!