My own moment of glory
Learning to love life...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 529
My own moment of glory
Hi guys!
I had to post because I wanted to share a "baby step" I made... actually a couple of them
G lost his truck a month ago when the person who was driving it did not posess a lisence (G was to drunk / high to drive). The truck was put in an impound lot for 30 days. So if you recall, many many things happened after THAT weekend. I kicked him out, he went back to AA / NA, he found a sponser... and I went on vacation!! . Now I am home, and he is too; we have only MY car at the moment. On Sunday night, G was heading to bed and said "sh**! how am I gonna get to work in the morning?!... you don't really need the car do you?" Well, the truth is that I DID need the car. I had to take my son to school, and my other son to daycare and drive to the next town to do some banking. In reaction he said "well, you can walk... you LIKE walkng... you can walk E to school, and then walk up to my shop and pick up the car." 
Yup, I was shocked too. Now, normally I would be the one to get walked all over. I would feel guilty, give him the car and walk. But I saw it this time! I said "No. I have a lot of running around to do. You can walk to work... after all, it isn't MY fault the truck is impounded." YIPPEE for me! And the kicker?! I called him during his work day and asked him how his walk was... he said he called me every name in the book that morning, but actually enjoyed the walk. Geesh!
And (if you are still reading my NOVEL
) today G and I had a "rough" day. He has been soooo needy lately. He wants attention left right and center like a 2 year old! He wants sex, touch, his lunches made, dinner prepared, coddle coddle coddle! He says that he NEEDS these things to make him feel loved and worthy... now that he can't escape to the alcohol / drugs to make him feel this way. He says that when he doesn't get these things, he thinks of drinking again. Oh MY Gosh! Yup, major Quacking going on. And I am not playing his games anymore! I haven't reacted to his pouting, his pissy moods, his sarcasm. I haven't let my feelings and opinions be walked all over... I have simply STOPPED reacting, and kept the focus on ME. So, tonight he finally got REAL upset. He asked me why I am so closed off to him. Why I don't want to "give" as much... And for once I said the right things! I wasn't stumbling over my words like usual. I simply told him that I am really working on myself right now. I am not purposely with holding any attention; I am not trying to "punish" him... But that it is really important for me to begin treating myself more important than anyone else. This means that I WILL say "no" if it is important to me. I won't do ANYTHING out of guilt, and I won't spend one more minute obsessing over OTHER peoples problems. I told him that I am sorry he feels "neglected" but that it is important that I focus on myself and find the peace and happiness that I deserve... only I have THAT power!
Anyhow... just wanted to share
Has anyone else noticed the reactions you get from NOT reacting?!
thanks
Meg
I had to post because I wanted to share a "baby step" I made... actually a couple of them
G lost his truck a month ago when the person who was driving it did not posess a lisence (G was to drunk / high to drive). The truck was put in an impound lot for 30 days. So if you recall, many many things happened after THAT weekend. I kicked him out, he went back to AA / NA, he found a sponser... and I went on vacation!!
. Now I am home, and he is too; we have only MY car at the moment. On Sunday night, G was heading to bed and said "sh**! how am I gonna get to work in the morning?!... you don't really need the car do you?" Well, the truth is that I DID need the car. I had to take my son to school, and my other son to daycare and drive to the next town to do some banking. In reaction he said "well, you can walk... you LIKE walkng... you can walk E to school, and then walk up to my shop and pick up the car." Yup, I was shocked too. Now, normally I would be the one to get walked all over. I would feel guilty, give him the car and walk. But I saw it this time! I said "No. I have a lot of running around to do. You can walk to work... after all, it isn't MY fault the truck is impounded." YIPPEE for me! And the kicker?! I called him during his work day and asked him how his walk was... he said he called me every name in the book that morning, but actually enjoyed the walk. Geesh!And (if you are still reading my NOVEL
) today G and I had a "rough" day. He has been soooo needy lately. He wants attention left right and center like a 2 year old! He wants sex, touch, his lunches made, dinner prepared, coddle coddle coddle! He says that he NEEDS these things to make him feel loved and worthy... now that he can't escape to the alcohol / drugs to make him feel this way. He says that when he doesn't get these things, he thinks of drinking again. Oh MY Gosh! Yup, major Quacking going on. And I am not playing his games anymore! I haven't reacted to his pouting, his pissy moods, his sarcasm. I haven't let my feelings and opinions be walked all over... I have simply STOPPED reacting, and kept the focus on ME. So, tonight he finally got REAL upset. He asked me why I am so closed off to him. Why I don't want to "give" as much... And for once I said the right things! I wasn't stumbling over my words like usual. I simply told him that I am really working on myself right now. I am not purposely with holding any attention; I am not trying to "punish" him... But that it is really important for me to begin treating myself more important than anyone else. This means that I WILL say "no" if it is important to me. I won't do ANYTHING out of guilt, and I won't spend one more minute obsessing over OTHER peoples problems. I told him that I am sorry he feels "neglected" but that it is important that I focus on myself and find the peace and happiness that I deserve... only I have THAT power!Anyhow... just wanted to share
Has anyone else noticed the reactions you get from NOT reacting?!
thanks
Meg
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: missouri
Posts: 95
Wow, Meg,
What a relief. I would have probably walked and had so many resentments you could physically touch them. You are really growing. You just keep the focus on you and looks like you will be doing okay.
What a relief. I would have probably walked and had so many resentments you could physically touch them. You are really growing. You just keep the focus on you and looks like you will be doing okay.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 62
WoW Meg thats great, wonderful how you dealt with the situation, you look after you, and why not! you are worth it.My son came round yesterday and I wanted to go into my lecture mode, about how much his life would be better ( IF ONLY) this or (IF ONLY) that, but I didn't, instead I talked to him about how good things are at the moment, and what I am grateful for and that it was nice that he was here, and that it was good to see him.
When he was going I said to him enjoy your day and he left smiling, I felt good for changing my attitude and making his day a little brighter.
It works if you work it.
Love Jewel
No More Mrs. Nice Guy
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Iowa
Posts: 724
YOU GO GIRL !!!
In my group we refer to it as "doing the dance". Its part of your old patterns - he does this, you do that. You do this, he does that. Its your dance. When you change and start taking care of yourself, not reacting, etc you change the dance steps. In my life it got really REALLY weird for awhile. We stumbled all over since I wasn't "doing it" right. In fact, my A got more aggressive, frustrated, angry because I didnt respond or react in my typical fashion. At times it was almost humorous as he tried to figure out how to push my buttons to get us back into that comfortable, predictable dance. He even said, 'You aren't doing this right! I do this and you're supposed to do THAT. Its' how we work!" And I said "its not how I work anymore."
It can be scary, believe me. It would have been so much simpler to slip back into the old behaviors... but i am soooooo glad I stuck it out and took care of me. We learned new and different ways to communicate and interact
Congratulations!
Osier59
In my group we refer to it as "doing the dance". Its part of your old patterns - he does this, you do that. You do this, he does that. Its your dance. When you change and start taking care of yourself, not reacting, etc you change the dance steps. In my life it got really REALLY weird for awhile. We stumbled all over since I wasn't "doing it" right. In fact, my A got more aggressive, frustrated, angry because I didnt respond or react in my typical fashion. At times it was almost humorous as he tried to figure out how to push my buttons to get us back into that comfortable, predictable dance. He even said, 'You aren't doing this right! I do this and you're supposed to do THAT. Its' how we work!" And I said "its not how I work anymore."
It can be scary, believe me. It would have been so much simpler to slip back into the old behaviors... but i am soooooo glad I stuck it out and took care of me. We learned new and different ways to communicate and interact
Congratulations!
Osier59
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
Well Meg, ole gal, you DO have it in ya, don't ya?????
Hey, next time this happens, would you please invite me over? I wanna watch how the pros do it....
Keep it up, Meg. I'm watching and learning.
Hugs,
Hangin' In
Hey, next time this happens, would you please invite me over? I wanna watch how the pros do it....
Keep it up, Meg. I'm watching and learning.
Hugs,
Hangin' In
Learning to love life...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 529
Me? A Pro? not quite... I never planned anything... my reactions (or non-reactions) came right from my gut - I guess eventually all that I've learned starts working ME, instead of the other way around . But hey... you can come over anytime! We could have coffee on the deck - I have the greatest view of B.C.'s coastal mountains 
.
Osier: Thats exactly what it feels like - a dance. I stop holding on to him, and he fumbles around trying to "dance" by himself! So simple when you think about it.
Jewel: good for you! It feels good when we stop tormenting ourselves with the emotional reactions.
And thanks to ALL of you. You guys are so great!
Meg
I never planned anything... my reactions (or non-reactions) came right from my gut - I guess eventually all that I've learned starts working ME, instead of the other way around . But hey... you can come over anytime! We could have coffee on the deck - I have the greatest view of B.C.'s coastal mountains .Osier: Thats exactly what it feels like - a dance. I stop holding on to him, and he fumbles around trying to "dance" by himself! So simple when you think about it.
Jewel: good for you! It feels good when we stop tormenting ourselves with the emotional reactions.
And thanks to ALL of you. You guys are so great!
Meg
Paused
Join Date: Sep 2001
Location: Peoria, IL USA
Posts: 105
Meg
That is sooo great and your strength is transferred on to so many of us. Thanks for sharing. Isn't it funny how they don't even question what we do for attention we crave while theirs is turned to using?
That is sooo great and your strength is transferred on to so many of us. Thanks for sharing. Isn't it funny how they don't even question what we do for attention we crave while theirs is turned to using?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: New York
Posts: 211
Good for you Meg,
Keep taking care of yourself.
I am glad that you are being strong. It's great when we finally figure out how important WE are!
It's funny, but when my husband was drinking it was all about him. In the past when he stopped drinking it was also all about him. This time (over 40 days sober) he is going to AA (1st time!!) at least 3 times a week (some weeks 6 times) and group therapy twice a week. He is learning sooo much about his addiction and is really listening to me. I get a little scared talking about it. I don't want to ruin it.
I too am still working on taking care of myself. I wish it came easily. Why must we actually WORK at it?
Well, keep it up.
I'll be thinking about you.
NoDoubt
Keep taking care of yourself.
I am glad that you are being strong. It's great when we finally figure out how important WE are!
It's funny, but when my husband was drinking it was all about him. In the past when he stopped drinking it was also all about him. This time (over 40 days sober) he is going to AA (1st time!!) at least 3 times a week (some weeks 6 times) and group therapy twice a week. He is learning sooo much about his addiction and is really listening to me. I get a little scared talking about it. I don't want to ruin it.
I too am still working on taking care of myself. I wish it came easily. Why must we actually WORK at it?
Well, keep it up.
I'll be thinking about you.
NoDoubt
Learning to love life...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 529
Hi again
Cheryl: I DO wonder that sometimes... But I remind myself that Alcoholics / addicts can't really relate to us. What WE perceive as "normal", is totally foreign to them. So it makes sense that OUR needs aren't met... maybe they just don't understand them.
No Doubt: I'll be thinking of YOU too. I am so happy that things are going well for you and hubby; it is so great when they find a recovery program. And don't be afraid to jinx it! God is giving you EXACTLY what you need / deserve
Take care
Meg
Cheryl: I DO wonder that sometimes... But I remind myself that Alcoholics / addicts can't really relate to us. What WE perceive as "normal", is totally foreign to them. So it makes sense that OUR needs aren't met... maybe they just don't understand them.
No Doubt: I'll be thinking of YOU too.
I am so happy that things are going well for you and hubby; it is so great when they find a recovery program. And don't be afraid to jinx it! God is giving you EXACTLY what you need / deserve Take care
Meg
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Hot diggety-dog and whoop-dee-doo!!!
Not participating in his chaos, not giving up your car just because he lost his, thus letting him pay the consequences, expressing YOUR needs, recognizing quacking and doing all this while behaving like a rational sane human being....Meg, you HAVE arrived!!!!
And they DO react, when we don't react.....because the only behaviour they kow right now is "reactive", or the "dance" as Osier calls it (I do love that description).
Looking after ourselves takes time and practice, but what wonderful rewards we get....peace and serenity.
Not participating in his chaos, not giving up your car just because he lost his, thus letting him pay the consequences, expressing YOUR needs, recognizing quacking and doing all this while behaving like a rational sane human being....Meg, you HAVE arrived!!!!
And they DO react, when we don't react.....because the only behaviour they kow right now is "reactive", or the "dance" as Osier calls it (I do love that description).
Looking after ourselves takes time and practice, but what wonderful rewards we get....peace and serenity.
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