My SR name says it all
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: So. CA
Posts: 9
My SR name says it all
This is my first post. My ex was my first qualifier but I divorced him many years ago following physical abuse, raised my two kids by myself and was alert to drug or alcohol issues in them - both are in their 20s. My daughter so far doesn't show signs of the disease but my son led me on a wild ride as a teen - in and out of teen rehabs, juvenile hall for dirty drug tests, etc. Marijuana was the main problem. Time passed, he left home at 18, tried and failed at college several times, worked various jobs and cleaned up a year ago to join the military. He excelled in that structured environment for the first months but was then stationed back home and I've witnessed the decline these past 6 months. He's just been discharged (zero tolerance for drugs) and I know he's been smoking again. Big hopes and dreams lost this time.
He's not going to be living with me (my boundary) but I am devastated by this latest event. Have been in Alanon for 7 years and still I'm stricken with heart breaking anxiety.
Just needed a place to share other than my regular meeting. I'm just a wreck and can't get my serenity back. I'm really struggling with finding my HP - always have been due to an overactive need to question instead of just accept.
Mostly I feel tired and lonely right now, in spite of supportive family and alanon members.
He's not going to be living with me (my boundary) but I am devastated by this latest event. Have been in Alanon for 7 years and still I'm stricken with heart breaking anxiety.
Just needed a place to share other than my regular meeting. I'm just a wreck and can't get my serenity back. I'm really struggling with finding my HP - always have been due to an overactive need to question instead of just accept.
Mostly I feel tired and lonely right now, in spite of supportive family and alanon members.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,351
we are living the same life almost--I too left my ex husband who was an A years ago--he was verbaly and physically abusive,
I too raised my son myself.
Years later I too am devastated at how my son turned out to be so much like the father he never knew--after how hard we struggled to raise them?
There is always hope--my alcoholic son 26 has now been sober forover 1/2 year--I never thought it possible--like your son he went to college-didnt work---etc...so hard to watch isn't it... I feel so sorry for your pain and hope your son realises he has to get help--or like my son he may be forced to get help--jail will do that to you--please keep posting it is always nice to hear from other moms who also married A's...
I too raised my son myself.
Years later I too am devastated at how my son turned out to be so much like the father he never knew--after how hard we struggled to raise them?
There is always hope--my alcoholic son 26 has now been sober forover 1/2 year--I never thought it possible--like your son he went to college-didnt work---etc...so hard to watch isn't it... I feel so sorry for your pain and hope your son realises he has to get help--or like my son he may be forced to get help--jail will do that to you--please keep posting it is always nice to hear from other moms who also married A's...
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: state of confusion
Posts: 351
Welcome AnxiousParent
So sorry for all your pain and anxiety .... our children our so precious to us and the last thing we ever want to happen is to see them struggle and hurt.
Keep reading and posting ..you have come to the right place. Wishing you much peace and serenity in your journey ahead.
So sorry for all your pain and anxiety .... our children our so precious to us and the last thing we ever want to happen is to see them struggle and hurt.
Keep reading and posting ..you have come to the right place. Wishing you much peace and serenity in your journey ahead.
Sunny Side Up
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
When I read this, I thought I was going back a few years. Have faith. I really feel for you because my son was/is the same.
My son was 15 when he started grass, then worse. It got that bad he fell out of school, had job after job, government payments, never had any money and who would he call MUM. Id help him of course, he was my first son. (he was hungry, couldnt pay rent) it all went on drugs.
I know you question, ask why, as now I am dealing with an alcoholic sister too. Wham oh. how much worse hey. You really have to stick to your guns. Call him and tell him you love him, hope he is ok etc etc. but dont cave in.
My son lived on the streets, lived with his dad until he kicked him out. He gave us all the emotional crap you can imagine. Once I stopped giving him money and running to him all the time, he started to change. He hit his rock bottom as they call it. He had to steal for food, was halucinating.
He has now lived back home with me for a year and a half. Has kept a fulltime job, still has his downs and good times. We both know each other very well, he tells me everyday he loves me with a big hug. No its not that cushy, we still have arguements. But he knows my rules, any kind of drug in my home and he is out. He really knows I mean this, so he doesnt. I know he does it at his friends but I figure as long as I dont have to witness it I can cope. I let him know I know too and we have an understanding.
He is now 23. Some days i do not like him, other days I can sit and have the longest chats with him. I keep telling myself all about the good things he is.
He told me all he ever wanted was for me to be proud of him at last. I am
My son was 15 when he started grass, then worse. It got that bad he fell out of school, had job after job, government payments, never had any money and who would he call MUM. Id help him of course, he was my first son. (he was hungry, couldnt pay rent) it all went on drugs.
I know you question, ask why, as now I am dealing with an alcoholic sister too. Wham oh. how much worse hey. You really have to stick to your guns. Call him and tell him you love him, hope he is ok etc etc. but dont cave in.
My son lived on the streets, lived with his dad until he kicked him out. He gave us all the emotional crap you can imagine. Once I stopped giving him money and running to him all the time, he started to change. He hit his rock bottom as they call it. He had to steal for food, was halucinating.
He has now lived back home with me for a year and a half. Has kept a fulltime job, still has his downs and good times. We both know each other very well, he tells me everyday he loves me with a big hug. No its not that cushy, we still have arguements. But he knows my rules, any kind of drug in my home and he is out. He really knows I mean this, so he doesnt. I know he does it at his friends but I figure as long as I dont have to witness it I can cope. I let him know I know too and we have an understanding.
He is now 23. Some days i do not like him, other days I can sit and have the longest chats with him. I keep telling myself all about the good things he is.
He told me all he ever wanted was for me to be proud of him at last. I am
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: scotland
Posts: 23
Feeling your pain as my only son is on the slippery slope as well.
He had a lovely fiance,good job etc but when he consumed alcohol he was a total jerk,verbally and physically abusive and unfaithful.She called it quits when she told him he was just like his old man.My daughters have bumped into her since and she always asks after him and ends up in tears telling them she still loves him but just cant handle the guff!
I.ve told him he,s like his Dad too and he's asked his sisters about this too but still isn't willing to get into recovery.He complains he doesn't see enough of me and has been told ,you're very welcome but don't turn up pissed.
I love him but know I"m powerless with this.
Stay strong,my thoughts are with you
He had a lovely fiance,good job etc but when he consumed alcohol he was a total jerk,verbally and physically abusive and unfaithful.She called it quits when she told him he was just like his old man.My daughters have bumped into her since and she always asks after him and ends up in tears telling them she still loves him but just cant handle the guff!
I.ve told him he,s like his Dad too and he's asked his sisters about this too but still isn't willing to get into recovery.He complains he doesn't see enough of me and has been told ,you're very welcome but don't turn up pissed.
I love him but know I"m powerless with this.
Stay strong,my thoughts are with you
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: So. CA
Posts: 9
Thanks to all
Oh my gosh, what a relief to log on this AM, feeling more anxious than ever, and see so much support. Thanks for all the replies. I am working hard at trying to let go of the outcome but these next few weeks will be hard - he hasn't been processed out of the military yet so can't really move his stuff out of my house and get relocated. He is pleasant to me and always says he loves me when he leaves. I know he's been devastated by this latest but it's not enough. I know I am afraid of what I have to watch him go thru if this isn't enough.
I've helped with expenses in the past, when he was trying to go to school but now he can be on his own. He's old enough and I realize any money I give him only allows him to spend more on alcohol and weed. He acknowledges that he is an alcoholic so I guess that is a start but not enough.
I think I am in shock that this latest episode has hit me so hard when we've been thru so much worse. At least now he is old enough that I am not legally responsible and don't have to juggle that with detachment.
The anxiety has led to health issues - can't eat for the first time ever for example. I am seeing a therapist and decided today that I would call my MD to be sure I'm not missing some physical thing and maybe even get something to calm the anxiety so I can return to some kind of normal feeling. I really prefer not taking anything but I've never had this "verge of breakdown" feeling before and I do not like it.
I am at least much calmer having read your supportive messages. Made me feel like I'm going to make it thru today at least and that's enough for right now.
I've helped with expenses in the past, when he was trying to go to school but now he can be on his own. He's old enough and I realize any money I give him only allows him to spend more on alcohol and weed. He acknowledges that he is an alcoholic so I guess that is a start but not enough.
I think I am in shock that this latest episode has hit me so hard when we've been thru so much worse. At least now he is old enough that I am not legally responsible and don't have to juggle that with detachment.
The anxiety has led to health issues - can't eat for the first time ever for example. I am seeing a therapist and decided today that I would call my MD to be sure I'm not missing some physical thing and maybe even get something to calm the anxiety so I can return to some kind of normal feeling. I really prefer not taking anything but I've never had this "verge of breakdown" feeling before and I do not like it.
I am at least much calmer having read your supportive messages. Made me feel like I'm going to make it thru today at least and that's enough for right now.
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