rock-hardplace

I'm finally biting the proverbial bullet and posting because I am seriously nearing my wit's end. I've been lurking here for years. I just want to feel not so alone anymore. This is going to be all over the place so beware.

My husband is an alcoholic. Not a violent one. Not an abusive one. Not one who drinks every night (at least not to my knowledge). Just one who drinks a couple times a week and drinks enough to fall asleep at 6:30 at night. Tonight, 5:30.

How long has this been going on? Probably forever. We were both partiers when we first met 16 years ago, then I pretty much stopped drinking except on the rare occasion (it never did sit well with me). He did have a bad night on our honeymoon but I attributed it to being New Years Eve and us on holidays.

Over the years, there has only been a couple really bad instances - the honeymoon one, the one where him and a friend of his made out with some girls one night (he told me all about it the next day though I'm pretty sure he doesn't remember a lot of what happened), and some where he was obnoxious and rude and would blissfully pass out after. I had a mentally abusive father growing up (yet we get along great now), so I have a harder shell than most when it comes to name-calling.

It's probably been the past 10 years that have been the worst. Ha - has it been that long? But like I said - it was only every so often - maybe once a week, maybe once a month - where he would just get sleepy and pass out in his chair watching tv.

Then our daughter came along three years ago. And obviously, he was still drinking but there was now someone else to think about besides myself. It's been on and off for those years. Last spring he started seeing a counsellor who did nothing but take our money and listen to him. He went to AA a couple times but was concerned about it leaking out (didn't want anyone from work finding otu - work is something which has never been affected by his drinking, by the way - he's been promoted like crazy). Then we ended up selling our place and moving in with my parents for a few months and that's where rock bottom was hit - he drank a 26er (or two?) one night and stumbled around the house buck-naked for everyone to see. No hiding it from my folks at that point.

He went to a psychologist that told him he wasn't an alcoholic and to focus on being happy (or some crap like that). Then we went to see a marriage counsellor (another psychologist) who said yes, he was definitely an alcoholic. We told her everything - I was happy that hubby was owning up to everything (as he always has, to give him credit). She said he needed help.

Then we ended up buying a house and moving and he slipped once or twice before finally calling mental health. He's been going weekly for two months and his drinking hasn't been as bad, really. Still falling asleep early on occasion but not falling down drunk. HE says that he's totally cut back - that he used to drink almost daily (???) and now he's down to maybe once or twice a week. This last bout was apparently 3 weeks sober but this weekend? Every. frickin. night. Asleep by 6:30. Totally out of it. Completely different person - zoned out, clueless. Last night I lost it and had a bawling session for a half hour and all he said was 'you're bummed out'. Ya think? My daughter also picks up on it and won't go near him. THAT pisses me off.

We talk about it all the time. He says he can't help it - his mind just takes over. He's sneaky and hides it but I can usually tell afterwards. Why can't he just tell me when he gets a craving? Why? I know. He's an alcoholic. Sigh...

What concerns me more than ever now? He started anti-depressants just over a week ago so and that freaks the crap out of me that he's mixing those and alcohol. Way to fry your brain. We talked about these recent drinking binges yesterday morning. Talked about it this morning. I'm frustrated and angry and just want the hell out but he's such a good guy when he's not drinking (and to give him credit, he's not much of an ass when he IS drinking, he just falls asleep, but I'm lonely and tired of worrying about him).

I've left him a couple times already to stay with my parents for a few nights but I always come back because let's face it, he's sick. I do believe he's depressed as he hasn't been happy in years (whether it was brought on by the alcohol or the reason for the alcohol is neither here nor there). I feel bad for him. I want to help him. I'm not internalizing any of it so I have retained some modicum of sanity. I AM tired of it. I am tired of the worry. I am tired of being alone the evenings where he drinks. I am tired of fretting about how this will affect our daughter.

This may not be much compared to some of you (I've read your stories) but it's my little problem and I don't know what to do. Do I put up some barriers to maintain my sanity? Can we live together but mentally apart for a while? I don't want to move my daughter away from her home, nor can we afford a second place right now. He still refuses to go to AA (says the psychotherapist is working but he saw her last Thursday and doesn't see her again for another 2 weeks and has slipped three nights in a freakin' row). Does he need an outpatient program? His shrink doesn't even tackle the drinking, she just talks about his depression more than anything (focuses on his life and lifestyle etc. but doesn't give him any tools for combatting the drinking). What the hell is going on? Does she know something we don't?

Sorry. Long winded. It's the first time I've put this out there for anyone and wow, there's a lot of stuff. He's slowly killing himself and honestly, when he's drunk, I wish he would just go away. I want a happy life. A fun-filled life. I know I said for better or worse, and he IS technically working on things, but how long do I wait? How many ups and downs can a person seriously live through without visiting CrazyLand herself? Keep in mind that as he's depressed, he's not a heck of a lot of fun to be around at the best of times. Hopefully the drugs will help - apparently it takes a month. That's 3 more weeks. But hopefully he won't overdose by mixing them with alcohol first.

I hope this makes sense. Any and all words of advice are welcome. Call me a whiny ingrate, tell me to leave him in the dust, I just need to hear something.

Thanks.

StandingStrong

rock-hardplace,

I hear ya! I hear the pain and the frustration in your post and the sound of sheer hopelessness. (Sometimes text can be misconstrued so hopefully I heard you correctly)

I believe that you could benefit from some Alanon meetings - have you ever gone to any?

It seems to me that you are not liking the affects that your A's drinking is having on your child, you, your marriage of the A himself. And that's really understandable.

You want to have a happy life and you want to experience life! I remember that feeling well too!
It's past time that you do just that! If he wants to zonk out early, then don't let it ruin your evenings! Take your child out and go do something. Live your life and enjoy it! Find happiness!

The life you are living is not a happy one. It's time you reach out and find happiness.

I too went through those feelings of knowing what my vows meant when I spoke them.I'd feel really guilty when I'd think of leaving my marriage. But you know what - my A didn't uphold his vows either and he hurt me much more than I ever did him. I tried all I could to make our marriage work - while he just continued to drink and do the things that he did that were destroying everything!
I know now that it's not my guilt to feel!

Have you checked out the STICKY posts on the top of the forum? I'd suggest you read them - lots of valuable information there too!

newenglandgirl

Hello there Rock. Welcome to SR. I am glad that you decided to post!

I think you are going to have decide what you are willing to live with. What is acceptable to you? You have the right and the duty (for your daughter's sake) to put up strong boundaries. I know it's a lot easier said than done. I think you're getting there.

AH's are can be quite secretive about their drinking...so it's no surprise that he doesn't tell you about his cravings. I used to try to get my AH to talk about that too. It took me a long time to realize how deeply sick he is...that he was unable to objectively have a conversation about it (or about anything really).

Your problem is not "small" as you say. This is your life! What you are dealing with is huge and it is not fair. You deserve the kind of life you dream of.

hugs to you.
neg

hope2bhappy

I think his shrink probably DOES know, but also knows that there's nothing she can do about it. No one can stop your husband from drinking... not even someone with a degree. All she can do is attack the problem of his depression. Your husband has to be the one to attack the problem of his drinking.

He would probably benefit from inpatient drug/alcohol treatment, but it does not sound as if he is ready to accept this kind of help. If he is shy about going to AA because of who might find out, then he's not ready to "out" himself and his problem.

I'm sorry, Rock. I'm treading on egg shells as I write this, because I can see you are in pain. If you've been reading our stories, then you know there is no easy fix and no magic remedy. If there was, there'd be no need for this forum. All we can do is share our experiences with one another.

You can help yourself by learning as much about this disease as you can. You can also go to Al-Anon meetings where they will teach you how to take the focus off of him and put it onto yourself. It is important for you to do this, because he will, likely, get much worse before he gets better. This is a progressive disease that gets worse over time. By your description of his drinking, you are still not anywhere near how bad it will eventually be.

I'm sorry I can't give you better news. Keep posting.

Mr. Christian

Hello Rock,

I think if you have been reading the posts here for as long as you have, you pretty much know what has to be done.

As you already know this thing is progressive and only he can change it.


I will say again like I have so many times before to others, take care of yourself.
It’s high time don’t you think?

SaTiT

mmmm...instead of waiting perhaps you can
start attending al-anon...it's free and a lot of
people will listen to you without taking your money.
It's not a myth. these people had been
there and that, hands on experience.

I can related ....been there , done that.
It hurts...it's confusing.

Yeah..most of time when I get home from work
I'm totally exhuasted, I pass out without the need
of alcohol. Gotta replace stuff that gets out dated
every other damn year. Whoever invented this
all work and no play crap ought to be shot. And the damn
Jones...i swear, everytime I get a bigger screen TV
they just have to out do me. Life is just so damn
conveint. I refuse to get pump up of prozac.
That was thing 5 years ago. Now a day everybody
is freanken bi-polar....

Had enough yet ?

dollydo

Hi, glad to meet you.

Whether we like to admit it or not, an alcoholic in the home is not a healthy situation for a child. I know, been there.

Since you've been lurking you probably have read my story. My Mom is my "A", she's been drinking for 62 years, my Dad quit about 10 years ago. They
divorced when I was 1 1/2, and, I was shuflled from grandparent to grandparent for 7 years and then moved in with her. It was a nightmare, it has affected my whole life, the scars still remain.

So, I say do what's best for your child, the innocent victim of this chaos.

Children are the eyes and ears of the world, they miss nothing, even if they don't say anything, they know.

Decide where you want to be in 5 years and make plans to get there, for you and your child.

Now that you have joined us, keep posting, it will help. We need you as much as you need us.

Dolly

rock-hardplace

Thanks for your comments everyone. They are all much appreciated. My Mom and best friend know about a few slips but I don't think they realize the extent of it. I keep most of it to myself. Mom told me to leave him and started quoting Dr. Laura (good grief) and I started to feel like a pathetic loser for sticking with him. It's not that I don't have the guts to do it (I've come pretty close), I just want to make sure it's the right thing to do if I do do it, for me and my daughter. No looking back. No regrets.

Er, so that's why it's nice to talk & vent here. No judgements. People who understand. For that, I thank you. You almost made me cry and I am SO not a crier. Usually. It takes a lot. Unless I'm PMSing then all bets are off.

I do try to focus on 'me' and not get so caught up with 'him'. It's his problem and out of my control. I know that. I don't like it one little bit, but I know that. Now when I become aware that he's been drinking (usually at dinner time), I tell him to go to bed. And he does. So at least I don't have to look at him snoring in his easy chair while I envision slapping him upside the head. Then I take advantage of the 'me' time (after I get my daughter to bed, of course) and I surf (um, like now) or write or work on my hobbies. Me time is so rare nowadays I take it when I can get it. But I'd rather spend some quality evening time with him.

I guess after it's gone a while with no big slips (just little ones), it hurts that much more when there's three slips in a row. Tonight he's been in and out of bed. I went downstairs earlier to check on the laundry and saw that the basement was partly flooded. I ran upstairs to see how out of it he was as he had just been up but was now back in bed, he said he was fine, came downstairs, said that the water tank was shot, then ran upstairs, put on his shoes, and went out to the shed to get the hose to drain the tank.

Ten minutes later, he comes back in the house empty-handed. I asked him what he was doing. He looked all confused. Started saying that he wasn't outside drinking, if that's what I thought. I asked where the hose was. More confusion. Super. So I called my Dad and he walked me through what to do and I just spent the last hour emptying the darn thing and cleaning up the basement. Hubby came down AGAIN about part way through and asked what I was doing. Um.... okay. He asked what happened. I told him to go away. He wandered around trying to look like he was aware of what he was doing. "So the water tank's shot?". I told him to go to bed. He did.

This is what I mean. He's so unreliable - what if an emergency happened? I'm on my own. I'm fine with being on my own but what the heck do I need him for then, exactly? It would be SO nice to lean on someone else for a change.

Years ago, I decided that I could accept this. That he wasn't a violent drunk and if he was at least trying to get some kind of help, I could live with that. My patience is just wearing a little thin, is all. We had such a great day out with our daughter and had fun and got lots accomplished and to top off a great day, the evening is a write-off. No relaxing and chilling together. So yeah, sometimes I wonder what it would be like on the other side of the fence. To leave all his pain and misery to himself and start over again. I have to stick it out for my daughter's sake and exhaust all options first. He IS trying, at least, he's in therapy. That's something, I suppose. He hates going but he goes and he shares and he talks. Then he comes home and drinks. Whee! Working well with the alcohol issues, isn't it? Sorry. Sarcasm.

He's adamant against AA. Maybe that's a sign in itself that this is going to continue on a while longer. He went to a few sessions and it wasn't bad, but I think he believes he's 'above' the others (or something like that - he doesn't fit in, he doesn't like sharing things - he's a very private person). He went to another session that was filled with end of the road junkies and he lasted about fifteen minutes before bolting, horrified.

I grew up with this kind of chaos (dad had anger management issues). Why on earth did I marry a guy with issues? Sometimes it sucks to be strong. Sometimes I just want to curl up in a corner and have people take care of me for once. But I have my daughter to think of - ain't no going crazy for me. I am doing everything I can to keep her oblivious to these slips, which is why I tell him to go to bed so at least he doesn't get all dopey when she tries to talk to him.

I will check out Al-Anon. They don't have many sessions out here where I live and I don't much trust leaving her with him in the evenings, but I'm sure I can figure something out.

Thanks again. I'll be posting and commenting more now that I've dived in.

Over_It

OMG - rock, I was laughing aloud... now the cat is looking at me funny!

I never thought of actually articulating that desire to slap him upside the head!!! That is SOOOOO true!!! With the mouth gaping open snoring or slouched over so his cheeks are all pressed together and hanging forward like a chubby little kid? Sooo attractive...

My AH has been doing stuff like what your husband is doing for only about 6 months - it gets really ridiculous. Tough to have respect when they're like that, huh? They sound quite similar.

We went to counseling for a while, then one time we were talking about the drinking problem and the counselor came out and made a clear statement. He said, "This is it. This is your diagnosis. You are an Alcoholic. You have /it/. What are you going to do about it?"

After that, AH knew he actually had to start going to AA meetings. He checked out a whole bunch and eventually found some he liked, but he didn't go regularly enough. Didn't matter - he came home and drank anyway. Come to find out he was getting to the point where he couldn't go more than about 6 hours without a drink (vodka) or he would start to get the shakes.

Each major denial breakthrough was met with *intense* anxiety from AH. He shook, his blood pressure went WAY up, refused to go (which I had to continue to push on) - he was absolutely TERRIFIED. This happened first when he went to the doctor for a checkup, then when he went to his first AA meeting and then again about 2 1/2 weeks ago right before he checked into rehab (HALLELUJAH!). Each time it wasn't nearly as deadly as he had anticipated and he was actually glad he went, but he was very, very afraid. He cried. He was so afraid. I felt bad for him that he seemed so pathetic, but I told him he had to do it because his boys needed him to be their daddy (his alcoholic dad abandoned him at age 2 only popping in here and there throughout his childhood, usually drunk).

Rehab is not the end of it, at all. It's merely the beginning of recovery (I hope!). It's like we've been entrenched on this long, difficult, muddy, depressing road going south for a looooong time and Rehab is just the AAA guy who is there to help put the boards under the muddy wheels and helps give directions on how to turn the car around. Follows it up with, "Okay, now go back towards the light and paved roads." There's still a lot of mess to work through. However, we can't get there if we don't turn it around.

Thanks for the laugh earlier - I needed that!

Zoey

Welcome, glad you got here, just typing it all out will help.
I have no words of wisdom unless just accept this is the way it is going to be, when we accept, then we quit discussing it, with them. Then they are left with haveing to think for thenselves. Just a thought.
Always remember, take what you can use and leave the rest.

Caring, understanding hugs

lilac

Welcome to SR !!! This community is awesome !