he's a mess
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: By the sea
Posts: 415
he's a mess
Hey all -
Well I guess I figured it was only a matter of time before the suicide threats started. sigh.
He's emailing and leaving voicemails that he doesn't want to live anymore. He's very drunk and his messages are very sad, then very angry, then sad, then he makes his usual threats that he's going to tell the world my "secrets" (I don't have any...but he's my husband, so over the years I've told him personal things that he's now trying to use against me).
I tried to call his parents, but they don't pick up. I thought about calling 911, but he hasn't directly said that he wants to kill himself, just that he doesn't want to live and wants to do "it" and then...this is strange...wanted to know if I'd come over for pizza and beer while he does "it" so that he's not alone. I think he's just really insane from the drink.
And I can't help but feel guilty that me leaving him has contributed to his steady downfall. I know, I know, I didn't cause it, can't cure it, can't control it...but it's so damn heartbreaking to witness this. Who ever would have guessed that he'd get to this point.
I emailed him and said that we would get him help when he asked for it. I don't think there's anything else I can do.
Well I guess I figured it was only a matter of time before the suicide threats started. sigh.
He's emailing and leaving voicemails that he doesn't want to live anymore. He's very drunk and his messages are very sad, then very angry, then sad, then he makes his usual threats that he's going to tell the world my "secrets" (I don't have any...but he's my husband, so over the years I've told him personal things that he's now trying to use against me).
I tried to call his parents, but they don't pick up. I thought about calling 911, but he hasn't directly said that he wants to kill himself, just that he doesn't want to live and wants to do "it" and then...this is strange...wanted to know if I'd come over for pizza and beer while he does "it" so that he's not alone. I think he's just really insane from the drink.
And I can't help but feel guilty that me leaving him has contributed to his steady downfall. I know, I know, I didn't cause it, can't cure it, can't control it...but it's so damn heartbreaking to witness this. Who ever would have guessed that he'd get to this point.
I emailed him and said that we would get him help when he asked for it. I don't think there's anything else I can do.
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
As hard as it is, you have to detach yourself.
And if he's acting insane, and it sounds irrational and insane to me, I'd go ahead and call and report him for the insinuations he's making concerning suicide.
He will do what he chooses to do regardless of your actions and you already know that. If he wanted to kill himself, he'd do so whether you were there or not and you just never know what irrational thoughts are going through their heads.
You've done what you can do. PLease don't keep emailing him and keeping contact. You've told him that you'd get him help when he asked for it. it's time to detach, let go, and lean on your HP for strength.
You know you're doing the right thing! ((((lots of hugs))))
And if he's acting insane, and it sounds irrational and insane to me, I'd go ahead and call and report him for the insinuations he's making concerning suicide.
He will do what he chooses to do regardless of your actions and you already know that. If he wanted to kill himself, he'd do so whether you were there or not and you just never know what irrational thoughts are going through their heads.
You've done what you can do. PLease don't keep emailing him and keeping contact. You've told him that you'd get him help when he asked for it. it's time to detach, let go, and lean on your HP for strength.
You know you're doing the right thing! ((((lots of hugs))))
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Originally Posted by newenglandgirl 
I know, I know, I didn't cause it, can't cure it, can't control it...
but it's so damn heartbreaking to witness this. Who ever would have guessed that he'd get to this point.
I emailed him and said that we would get him help when he asked for it. I don't think there's anything else I can do.
but it's so damn heartbreaking to witness this. Who ever would have guessed that he'd get to this point.
I emailed him and said that we would get him help when he asked for it. I don't think there's anything else I can do.
I would have guessed such but that is because I lived on that side of the fence.
Also because I lived on that side of the fence, I know this as truth...
didn't cause it, can't cure it, can't control it
As far as anything else you can do beyond what you posted...
Yes there is one more thing... Pray and let him know you are doing so.
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
It is heartbreaking to watch someone you love fall completely to pieces. If he were my loved one, I'd call 911 and tell them he's making suicide threats. That way, if he should decide to act on his threats, you won't feel that you sat by and did nothing.
At this point, there is little you can do to help your husband. He obviously needs more help than you can provide. I'd turn his care over to professionals and to God. They are better prepared to help him than you are.
If I were in your shoes, I'd take any action I deemed necessary to be able to move forward with a clear conscience. My goal at this point would be to do what I needed to do to take care of myself so I could ultimately live my life in peace. If that means dialing 911 so that, whatever happens, I know I did everything humanly possible to help someone who is hurting, then that's what I'd do.
This is a terrible burdeon he's trying to place on you and the ultimate manipulation. You don't have to bear this burdeon. It's OK to turn it over to someone else.
At this point, there is little you can do to help your husband. He obviously needs more help than you can provide. I'd turn his care over to professionals and to God. They are better prepared to help him than you are.
If I were in your shoes, I'd take any action I deemed necessary to be able to move forward with a clear conscience. My goal at this point would be to do what I needed to do to take care of myself so I could ultimately live my life in peace. If that means dialing 911 so that, whatever happens, I know I did everything humanly possible to help someone who is hurting, then that's what I'd do.
This is a terrible burdeon he's trying to place on you and the ultimate manipulation. You don't have to bear this burdeon. It's OK to turn it over to someone else.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
i second formerdoormat....i did it several times for my x when he was drunk and talking like that. he got tired of waking up in jail under suicide watch and quit after about ummmm, well it took about 1 year of me calling for him everytime he talked that way. at least i knew he was safe for the night and i felt i had done what i needed to do for me, too.
prayers going up for you.......and to all the lost ones out there.
prayers going up for you.......and to all the lost ones out there.
Sunny Side Up
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
Yes, Ive heard this too and its scary. You think they might actually do it. It is all drunk talk though. I dont think they have the guts to do it outright. Lets face it - they have been slowly killing themselves anyway.
I dont know where you live but in Australia you can call people eg..
Mens or Womens Mental Health Associations. They will actually visit them and make a decision whether to take them for assessment. Then he will get some professional help.
Good Luck
I dont know where you live but in Australia you can call people eg..
Mens or Womens Mental Health Associations. They will actually visit them and make a decision whether to take them for assessment. Then he will get some professional help.
Good Luck
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
It's still about manipulating your behavior and controlling you isn't it? He's just offering you a different form of poison. My husband does what ever he wants and goes through this too. He has the free will to do whatever he wants and he does. In many ways he reminds me of a cartoon character that chases his own tail until he exhausts himself. I used to be in the whirlwind and now I am a specator. It's like I watch until he exhausts himself with himself and then I listen to all the things he could have changed and didn't. I have become an observer in his life. He makes incredibly dumb choices in how he spends his time and who he spends it with.
This sounds cold but I have fixed my feet. Live or die, your choice.
I think you did the right thing. If he wants help fine. If he just thinks you will get sucked back into this depressive morose death watch, not fine.
It's a threat that loss it's viscosity after a few cycles.
Instead of his threats raising alarms, I would make it clear that it will only force you to sever all ties. I would use the reasoning that you will be a part of his life but not his death.
This sounds cold but I have fixed my feet. Live or die, your choice.
I think you did the right thing. If he wants help fine. If he just thinks you will get sucked back into this depressive morose death watch, not fine.
It's a threat that loss it's viscosity after a few cycles.
Instead of his threats raising alarms, I would make it clear that it will only force you to sever all ties. I would use the reasoning that you will be a part of his life but not his death.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Happy with me !
Posts: 680
It is hard to watch someone we love/loved falling apart like this. You have done everything you possibly can, the rest is up to him.
I heard the suicide threats too......totally freaked me out ! Until I posted here and realized that these threats are all part of the process.....You c an't control those either ! Or feel guilty ! No, don't do it......
It will get better ....... Your recovery is shining through !
I heard the suicide threats too......totally freaked me out ! Until I posted here and realized that these threats are all part of the process.....You c an't control those either ! Or feel guilty ! No, don't do it......
It will get better ....... Your recovery is shining through !
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: OHIO
Posts: 959
Stay the course hun...it's hard but you have come such a far distance already please dont back paddle...call someone if you REALLY feel that he will harm himself and then let it go....and let GOD..thats his department...
((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))
Janit
((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))
Janit
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: By the sea
Posts: 415
Thanks everyone for all the support and great advice
I received an email from him this morning verifying that he is still alive.
It's so baffling how someone could choose to go through this horrible cycle of insanity everysingle day and not choose to commit themselves to detox/rehab. Addiction is baffling.
I'm staying the course...watching him run in circles...
I received an email from him this morning verifying that he is still alive.
It's so baffling how someone could choose to go through this horrible cycle of insanity everysingle day and not choose to commit themselves to detox/rehab. Addiction is baffling.
I'm staying the course...watching him run in circles...
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
we just never know when they will do it or not. i quit trying to figure it out, and took the actions that i would take for anyone threatening to end it all.
call 911. and call them again. and call them again.
it was an action that was for me, also. this way, i knew i had done what i felt i should have in an emergency. i wouldn't want to feel guilty for doing nothing, even if it is just drunk quacking.
we just never know. so do the next best thing, and take care of myself my making the call.
call 911. and call them again. and call them again.
it was an action that was for me, also. this way, i knew i had done what i felt i should have in an emergency. i wouldn't want to feel guilty for doing nothing, even if it is just drunk quacking.
we just never know. so do the next best thing, and take care of myself my making the call.
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Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Texas
Posts: 782
I would never want to speculate or guess that he won't do it. I can't say that. What I can tell you is my experience. I too heard about how he doesn't want to live. In fact, I even heard this before I left, and back then, I would get all in a tizzy. I would cry and tell him not to say those things and generally freak out. I finally realized I was giving him exactly what he wanted..... attention. Again, I could never begin to guess what yours might or might not do. If you think there is a dangerous situation, do what you need to do, be it call 911 or whatever. Otherwise, watch the manipulation...
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
I am so sorry you are being put through this emotional meat grinder. Mine pulled the same sh** when I left him. I found out about it later because fortunately he imploded and didn't contact me. He apparently was considering suicide. They get depressed and then they drown it in alcohol, which is a depressant. If that isn't insanity in itself, I don't know what is.
I think 911 is the route to go. That's all you can do. He may try something but then again, he may not. Whether he does or not, he's sure trying to rip your guts out by dragging you down with him. Detach the best you can. Pray for him. It sounds like lame advice, but there's nothing more anyone can do when dealing with an A who is losing it.
I think 911 is the route to go. That's all you can do. He may try something but then again, he may not. Whether he does or not, he's sure trying to rip your guts out by dragging you down with him. Detach the best you can. Pray for him. It sounds like lame advice, but there's nothing more anyone can do when dealing with an A who is losing it.
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Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Ohio
Posts: 105
(((NEG))) It's a difficult position to be in to say the least. It's manipulative on his part, and yet -- who's to say he may not follow through...and where does one draw the line? I like the advice of calling 911.
I know you feel guilty, as though your decision to separate / divorce has spurred him further down his self-destructive path. (I really relate to that) I think he was headed in this direction anyway, and that he uses it as yet another reason to drink.
Please, continue taking care of you.
~GHM
I know you feel guilty, as though your decision to separate / divorce has spurred him further down his self-destructive path. (I really relate to that) I think he was headed in this direction anyway, and that he uses it as yet another reason to drink.
Please, continue taking care of you.
~GHM
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Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
I've been in this situation, and I called the police.In my state it's against the law to threaten suicide, so the police get involved. It turned into a BIG thing (on the news kind of thing) but the end result was that he got the help he needed, and I was able to detach with love.
Do what you need to do to be ok, but realize that his life and his choices are OUT of your hands. Like Best said, you can pray for him and let him know that you're doing it, but the healthiest thing for YOU is to stay out of it as much as possible.
You can call your local suicide hotline too....they might give you some ideas as to how to help yourself.
Good luck. Addiction/alcoholism is an ugly thing.
~ Cat
Do what you need to do to be ok, but realize that his life and his choices are OUT of your hands. Like Best said, you can pray for him and let him know that you're doing it, but the healthiest thing for YOU is to stay out of it as much as possible.
You can call your local suicide hotline too....they might give you some ideas as to how to help yourself.
Good luck. Addiction/alcoholism is an ugly thing.
~ Cat
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,351
My alcoholic son was threatening suicide whe he was at rock bottom--911 is the only answer--because you never know one way or another and you wouldnt want to look back if he did and know you did nothing.....let the professional take care of it-not you....
My cousin who was more like my twin brother committed suicide at 40.I never knew why and it haunts me everyday...when I look back now I can see there where some signs--he would call and I would be busy working--he asked me for help with his house--I was busy--and I really was too I wasn;t lying....I will always feel like I could have made a difference if I just saw those flags--it was a leason learned--but a lesson I could have done without as I miss him everyday of my life still.
My cousin who was more like my twin brother committed suicide at 40.I never knew why and it haunts me everyday...when I look back now I can see there where some signs--he would call and I would be busy working--he asked me for help with his house--I was busy--and I really was too I wasn;t lying....I will always feel like I could have made a difference if I just saw those flags--it was a leason learned--but a lesson I could have done without as I miss him everyday of my life still.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: By the sea
Posts: 415
Thanks so much everyone. All this advice has helped me tremendously in dealing with the situation. If it happens again, I am going to have call 911.
He called the next day - incredibly (or so it seemed) remorseful and ashamed. Said that he can't deny not wanting to live. sigh. But then I also happend to know, that he has made plans for future vacations and a job change...which doesn't really match what I know about the way someone acts who plans suicide.
I think it is manipulation. And, let me tell you, it really through me for a loop. I'VE been a mess these past few days. I can't tell you how many people at worked I've snapped at. Not good.
He called the next day - incredibly (or so it seemed) remorseful and ashamed. Said that he can't deny not wanting to live. sigh. But then I also happend to know, that he has made plans for future vacations and a job change...which doesn't really match what I know about the way someone acts who plans suicide.
I think it is manipulation. And, let me tell you, it really through me for a loop. I'VE been a mess these past few days. I can't tell you how many people at worked I've snapped at. Not good.
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