feeling neglected
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: grove, OK
Posts: 21
feeling neglected
My husband drinking has progressed to drinking daily. I am feeling neglected in the relationship is this a normal situation for living with and alcoholic. It seems our life revolves around him and what he wants to do in life. If I ask him to do something I would like to do he strongly refuses. He expects of me to clean up his messes in the house cook all his meals and work a job with no offer to help with the household chores. He was raised this way and to this day if I don't cook a meal he goes to his moms and she cooks and serves him and he is 40 yrs old. I just don't get it. I feel closer everyday to saying I am done with this relationship. It's very depressing. I need to get out and get a life!!
Becoming a Butterfly
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 904
Hi Honey,
Ah, a Prince of Expectation. I'm doing what I can to make sure my boy isn't one. I know exactly what you mean.
Around here we find that the more we are concerned about ourselves, the less we give a hoot what snotty little "Princes" expect. We want to fulfill the desires of a partner-husband who fills our desires as well, not be the doormats of those who think they're entitled.
Welcome
Ah, a Prince of Expectation. I'm doing what I can to make sure my boy isn't one. I know exactly what you mean.
Around here we find that the more we are concerned about ourselves, the less we give a hoot what snotty little "Princes" expect. We want to fulfill the desires of a partner-husband who fills our desires as well, not be the doormats of those who think they're entitled.
Welcome
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: state of confusion
Posts: 351
Welcome honeycs
Rule No. 1 ... Alcoholics do not behave well, are very self absorbed and make no sense whats so ever most of the time.
Rule No. 2 ... If you live with an active alcoholic, you must accept the behavior described in Rule No. 1 will not change and usually gets worse.
I think you answered your own questions.... you need to get out and get a life. Nearly everything you described here has affected those married to an alcoholic.
Keep reading ... there is a wealth of knowledge here ... and you will find yourself thinking everyone here must be married to the same guy!
Rule No. 1 ... Alcoholics do not behave well, are very self absorbed and make no sense whats so ever most of the time.
Rule No. 2 ... If you live with an active alcoholic, you must accept the behavior described in Rule No. 1 will not change and usually gets worse.
I think you answered your own questions.... you need to get out and get a life. Nearly everything you described here has affected those married to an alcoholic.
Keep reading ... there is a wealth of knowledge here ... and you will find yourself thinking everyone here must be married to the same guy!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Dixie
Posts: 612
Originally Posted by honeycs 
He expects of me to clean up his messes in the house cook all his meals and work a job with no offer to help with the household chores.
Honey, you need to do things for yourself and be good to Number 1 -- YOU.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: concord, nc
Posts: 304
Seeking Wisdom is on the money. Look at his pattern of behavior. My AH's pattern only got worse and uglier. Welcome to the board. I too am new and can tell you that this is a safe place filled with wise people.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Jacksonville, FL
Posts: 240
I can tell you from experience, as can most here, that it only gets worse. The lies, manipulation, insanity, etc. will escalate accordingly with his disease. Take care of YOU, because God knows he won't while he's drinking. I'm sorry you are feeling so badly right now. I feel your pain. Literally. Every single day. Let him run to his Mother to be "taken care of". She'll eventually tire of his antics as well. My AH used to always run to his Mommy when I wasn't meeting his many, many, ridiculous needs. Now, she barely talks to him.
I'm growing
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Right where I need to be
Posts: 601
I agree you have to take care of you. I used to spend time taking care of AH's messes. Then it just hit me one day.....He's the one drunk and passed out...not picking up after himself....why should I. Now I don't. I think it is good for him to wake up in the morning and see the mess he made.
((hugs)) to you
((hugs)) to you
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: By the sea
Posts: 415
Great advice already given. I totally agree
And then worst was when I could finally convince him (usually after pleading for days or more) to do something I wanted him to do, he'd pout and be grumpy the whole time. He would just ruin it. Or, worse, say mean, inappropriate things to other people that would embarrass me.
I look back now, and I just can't understand how it took me so long to wake up and realize how unpleasant life had become with him. I guess it's like that frog story (water gets hot gradually).
And then worst was when I could finally convince him (usually after pleading for days or more) to do something I wanted him to do, he'd pout and be grumpy the whole time. He would just ruin it. Or, worse, say mean, inappropriate things to other people that would embarrass me.
I look back now, and I just can't understand how it took me so long to wake up and realize how unpleasant life had become with him. I guess it's like that frog story (water gets hot gradually).
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: grove, OK
Posts: 21
he pouts over anything and everything when it's not the way he wants it.
i have read several threads some still live with there A and have learned to be detatched from the A problems.
Learning to detatch will be a challenge for me......I still believe a relationship is about trust, sharing, companionship, working together.....in a dream i am
wow wake up.....Thanks for all the support....I need it
Tomorrow is a new day
i have read several threads some still live with there A and have learned to be detatched from the A problems.
Learning to detatch will be a challenge for me......I still believe a relationship is about trust, sharing, companionship, working together.....in a dream i am
wow wake up.....Thanks for all the support....I need it
Tomorrow is a new day
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,358
Welcome to SR Honeycs. Glad to have you join us.
It sounds to me as if you have more issues with 'who he really is as a person' vs. his daily drinking. If he was raised that way, having someone clean up after him, doing things for him that he is able to do himself, etc. I can see where he has learned to 'expect' that. I'm not saying it's right, but I can see where he thinks it's not his place to do it. Did you realize this 'before' you married him and maybe think things would somehow be different with you? Many of us, especially women, somehow think we can 'change them' after marriage (I think we were born like that, LOL)!! Then add alcohol into the mix and things intensify for sure.
You've got at least 2 issues here, well, 3 actually....his expectations, his drinking, and your not being happy. Out of those 3 things, there really is only one thing that you can work on changing....your not being happy. The other 2 are up to him.
Learning to detach, and cease doing things for him that he is capable of doing for himself might be something to think about. If you have asked him to help around the house and he refuses, finding ways of making life easier for 'you' is an initial good start. We all have days when we don't feel like cooking....I had one yesterday myself. So, while I was out, I picked up some Chinese food and brought it home. (And when I'm really lazy or want to be pampered, I find restaurants that deliver). If he doesn't like the fact that you order in, there's always his 'mommy's house' that he could go to and she can cater to and clean up after him just like he's used to. Not a perfect solution in the long run, but rather a first step in taking care of you and your needs. In time, you might want to consider if you like being married to a 'momma's boy'!
It's hard to change the rules after someone else has become accustomed to them for so long. But, sometimes change becomes necessary when the old ways don't work anymore.
Read through the posts here and the stickies at the top, and keep coming back. Hopefully you will find the support you need to help you through whatever decision(s) you want to make for your life.
It sounds to me as if you have more issues with 'who he really is as a person' vs. his daily drinking. If he was raised that way, having someone clean up after him, doing things for him that he is able to do himself, etc. I can see where he has learned to 'expect' that. I'm not saying it's right, but I can see where he thinks it's not his place to do it. Did you realize this 'before' you married him and maybe think things would somehow be different with you? Many of us, especially women, somehow think we can 'change them' after marriage (I think we were born like that, LOL)!! Then add alcohol into the mix and things intensify for sure.
You've got at least 2 issues here, well, 3 actually....his expectations, his drinking, and your not being happy. Out of those 3 things, there really is only one thing that you can work on changing....your not being happy. The other 2 are up to him.
Learning to detach, and cease doing things for him that he is capable of doing for himself might be something to think about. If you have asked him to help around the house and he refuses, finding ways of making life easier for 'you' is an initial good start. We all have days when we don't feel like cooking....I had one yesterday myself. So, while I was out, I picked up some Chinese food and brought it home. (And when I'm really lazy or want to be pampered, I find restaurants that deliver). If he doesn't like the fact that you order in, there's always his 'mommy's house' that he could go to and she can cater to and clean up after him just like he's used to. Not a perfect solution in the long run, but rather a first step in taking care of you and your needs. In time, you might want to consider if you like being married to a 'momma's boy'!
It's hard to change the rules after someone else has become accustomed to them for so long. But, sometimes change becomes necessary when the old ways don't work anymore.
Read through the posts here and the stickies at the top, and keep coming back. Hopefully you will find the support you need to help you through whatever decision(s) you want to make for your life.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Happily ever after...
Posts: 163
honey.. welcome... I read your post and I thought you were talking about my STBX. I came home from work and was expected to cook, get kids to and from activities, clean up and do laundry, all while he was home on the couch watching Jerry Springer all day. I finally had it, I stopped doing his laundry, stopped cleaning up after him, I cooked for me and the kids and if any was left over I would let him have that. I just did my thing, detached, and would have stepped over him if he was in my way. I was like a bank account, he was always withdrawling and barely ever made a deposit. If he did deposit it was with a puss on his face and he expected me to bow down to him. The account finally became overdrawn nothing left, nothing. zero balance. He left to his mommies and I started depositing into the bank again. no one is making withdrawls unless they have proper ID. The account balance is slowly increasing.
One day this account is going to be worth millions.
honey.... Stop his withdrawls and start making deposits into your account for you.
One day this account is going to be worth millions.
honey.... Stop his withdrawls and start making deposits into your account for you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: grove, OK
Posts: 21
A new day...first thing this morning my A's mommy called and whated him to go fishing woth her and his dad.......no invite for me....asked if i could put some laundry on.....sure he will be drunk and nagging at me when he returns.....an exciting day..
Thank You for all your suggestion...I enjoy them...hoping with your help I can learn to detatch and make better choices for me
Thank You for all your suggestion...I enjoy them...hoping with your help I can learn to detatch and make better choices for me
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: grove, OK
Posts: 21
I had a good afternoon worked on some things I needed to take care of one of them being a tune-up on my car.
My A came in this evening...his words were it would be nice if someone would get out and help mow the lawn....I don't know how to respond to his unlogical thinking....I camly responded that I was done for the day and would help tomorrow....that sent him to a yelling fit....nobody does anything around here he says......if I egnore him he stand at me and say are you to good to talk are ya not talking now......please give me some advice on how to respond to his bad behavior while drinking
My A came in this evening...his words were it would be nice if someone would get out and help mow the lawn....I don't know how to respond to his unlogical thinking....I camly responded that I was done for the day and would help tomorrow....that sent him to a yelling fit....nobody does anything around here he says......if I egnore him he stand at me and say are you to good to talk are ya not talking now......please give me some advice on how to respond to his bad behavior while drinking
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
I, too was neglected in my marriage. I used to tell my A that I was married to myself. And that I was the only thing keeping us together. He'd get mad - but it truly was how I felt.
As you've already read - the A's biggest priority is his addiction. And all we can do is work on ourselves and take care of ourselves. It's a learning process as we've come to be so used to taking care of the A.
You asked for advice on how to respond to his bad behavior. We've had threads on here about that very topic, perhaps someone will post the link or you can do a search on the topic. But I think that you'll find that most of us learned that the best responses were to react as little as possible, or not respond at all. And when it gets to the point that he's following you and will not let it go - leave the house and let him stew on his own. It's not nearly so fun for them when they have no one there to give them the attention they are seeking.
Keep on enjoying YOUR days!
As you've already read - the A's biggest priority is his addiction. And all we can do is work on ourselves and take care of ourselves. It's a learning process as we've come to be so used to taking care of the A.
You asked for advice on how to respond to his bad behavior. We've had threads on here about that very topic, perhaps someone will post the link or you can do a search on the topic. But I think that you'll find that most of us learned that the best responses were to react as little as possible, or not respond at all. And when it gets to the point that he's following you and will not let it go - leave the house and let him stew on his own. It's not nearly so fun for them when they have no one there to give them the attention they are seeking.
Keep on enjoying YOUR days!
full of hope
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 1,170
Hi Honycs, How do you respond? You don't. I've been learning that if I don't respond to him he just leaves it alone and if he doesn't leave it alone then I leave.
It's hard, though. I usually end up crying alone somewhere, but I know it's the right thing to do. There is just absoultely no reasoning or talking with a drunk.
I agree with what ICU said, Change is necessary when old things don't work. But remember, change is sometimes hard and not usually instantaneous. But it is doable. Keep posting and talking and learning!!
Look forward to getting to know you better!
~Cheryl
It's hard, though. I usually end up crying alone somewhere, but I know it's the right thing to do. There is just absoultely no reasoning or talking with a drunk.
I agree with what ICU said, Change is necessary when old things don't work. But remember, change is sometimes hard and not usually instantaneous. But it is doable. Keep posting and talking and learning!!
Look forward to getting to know you better!
~Cheryl
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Central Coast, CA
Posts: 77
Yup - Chero's right. There is _no_ reasoning with them when they've been drinking. None.
For a long time I would try to reason with him, but then I wasn't aware of his drinking, or that was the cause of the utter unreasonable-ness. After I finally figured out what was going on with his drinking (took me a long time!) I went through the "I'll just ignore him" response for about 6 months or a year. Then I got fed up and just flat out told him, "I'm not going to even bother talking with you right now because you've been drinking and you're not making any sense." Sometimes he would rant for a bit (or deny it - Hahahahaha!!!!) but usually he just got irritated and went away to pass out.
Wow - I forgot how angry that darn quacking he did made me until I just thought about it again in typing this!
That was AWESOME that you took care of some of YOUR to-do's today. Try to do at least one kind thing just for you every day, and then add one more, and so on. Someone said to make deposits in your own internal bank account, and stop letting him make withdrawals. You'll get healthier and stronger and you'll be better off, and better able to see things clearly.
And the response above got me to thinking... Do you know it's been probably 5 years since I ordered a pizza with the toppings I like??? That is just wrong! I'm tempted to call one in right now!
For a long time I would try to reason with him, but then I wasn't aware of his drinking, or that was the cause of the utter unreasonable-ness. After I finally figured out what was going on with his drinking (took me a long time!) I went through the "I'll just ignore him" response for about 6 months or a year. Then I got fed up and just flat out told him, "I'm not going to even bother talking with you right now because you've been drinking and you're not making any sense." Sometimes he would rant for a bit (or deny it - Hahahahaha!!!!) but usually he just got irritated and went away to pass out.
Wow - I forgot how angry that darn quacking he did made me until I just thought about it again in typing this!
That was AWESOME that you took care of some of YOUR to-do's today. Try to do at least one kind thing just for you every day, and then add one more, and so on. Someone said to make deposits in your own internal bank account, and stop letting him make withdrawals. You'll get healthier and stronger and you'll be better off, and better able to see things clearly.
And the response above got me to thinking... Do you know it's been probably 5 years since I ordered a pizza with the toppings I like??? That is just wrong! I'm tempted to call one in right now!
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