ok did it
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Tomah, WI
Posts: 52
ok did it
ok his is so hard... i broke up with my AB.... he is living is a room as a hotel... and all he wanted to do is move in there and start drinking again... So I came back home and packed up all his stuff and took it back to him and said that I am done... that I do not want this in my life... and that I don't deserve this in my life... I told him that with his actions it is afecting my life and my job and everything about me... and I told him him good bye... and left... but what I want to know is why do I feel like I need to go back and check on him???? to make sure that he is ok.... And should I?
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Murfreesboro, TN
Posts: 595
Originally Posted by mec 
ok his is so hard... i broke up with my AB.... he is living is a room as a hotel... and all he wanted to do is move in there and start drinking again... So I came back home and packed up all his stuff and took it back to him and said that I am done... that I do not want this in my life... and that I don't deserve this in my life... I told him that with his actions it is afecting my life and my job and everything about me... and I told him him good bye... and left... but what I want to know is why do I feel like I need to go back and check on him???? to make sure that he is ok.... And should I?
mec,
go back and read what you just wrote. you can answer your last question by reading this...."I am done... that I do not want this in my life... and that I don't deserve this in my life... I told him that with his actions it is affecting my life and my job and everything about me... and I told him him good bye... and left"
You feel like you need to go back because that what alcoholism does...it sucks you back in and makes you feel guilty. I've had a little experience with this from the other side. I'm an alcoholic, recovering for quite some time. I had an intimate relationship with this disease. It's objective is to steal, kill and destroy everything is can. This disease takes not prisoners. It always shoots to kill.
Be kind to yourself. Be selfish right now...your head is telling you to go back, but if you listen to your heart, the answer will come.
Yours in sobriety,
Ed
Let Go Let God
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: jersey shore
Posts: 437
in my opinion , you did the right thing .. and just because you did the
right thing doesnt mean that you will immediately stop caring or fall out of
love with him . sometimes the right thing hurts more than the wrong thing (which would of been staying) .. the unknown is scary but you pushed forward and should be really proud of yourself for putting you first !
as far as checking on him goes , you cannot save him .. what would
checking on him do for you ??? he will be fine without you as long as he
has his booze and if you checked on him he will know that you are still there and you havent gone anywhere . his life is about him , and what he can get from you . nothing will change from today until tomorrow so leave him be .
take it one day at a time . its not just a cliche . make yourself a promise that for today only you will have no contact with him whatsoever . then when you wake up tomorrow , make yourself that same promise .
in the meantime , do something to keep yourself busy . visit your friends , get out of town for the weekend if you can , go see some family . and every time you want to contact him , get on the computer and contact us instead .
its not going to be easy but it will get easier , everyday that goes by that you didnt speak to him will be a small victory . relish in the good days and push forward through the bad . you will get through!
lots of luck to you .. praying for you ! xoxox
right thing doesnt mean that you will immediately stop caring or fall out of
love with him . sometimes the right thing hurts more than the wrong thing (which would of been staying) .. the unknown is scary but you pushed forward and should be really proud of yourself for putting you first !
as far as checking on him goes , you cannot save him .. what would
checking on him do for you ??? he will be fine without you as long as he
has his booze and if you checked on him he will know that you are still there and you havent gone anywhere . his life is about him , and what he can get from you . nothing will change from today until tomorrow so leave him be .
take it one day at a time . its not just a cliche . make yourself a promise that for today only you will have no contact with him whatsoever . then when you wake up tomorrow , make yourself that same promise .
in the meantime , do something to keep yourself busy . visit your friends , get out of town for the weekend if you can , go see some family . and every time you want to contact him , get on the computer and contact us instead .
its not going to be easy but it will get easier , everyday that goes by that you didnt speak to him will be a small victory . relish in the good days and push forward through the bad . you will get through!
lots of luck to you .. praying for you ! xoxox
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Tomah, WI
Posts: 52
thanks everyone... I know it is hard right now but I know I have to stay a way from him and each day will get better... right now I am taking a break from cleaning out the junk room that I have seem to have... going to take a lot of it to goodwill... that will keep me busy...
Thanks again....
Thanks again....
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
no, he has become a child in your life. Of course it has become instinct to watch out for him, buffer the reprecussions, mother him. He isn't a child, he is a man.
Trust me, I know how hard it is not to go drive by, call, stop by.
This is a good day to think about you and what the result would be if you do go check on him.
Wouldn't it have been nice if you leaving him made any difference> It didn't. It will tonight when he is drunk and on a crying jag.
Think of it this way, going over or contacting him is just making it easier for him to continue without any real reprecussion, any real reason to change.
If you think about it, he will play on your weakness, you need to play on your strength.
I live with my alcoholic husband pretty contently because I let the reprecussions fall on him.
I realized that the only trouble I had in my life was the trouble that came from him. He seemed to think it was just a bag luck phase. It's the cops, it's me, it's the job....
Your life just consists of picking them up, dropping them off, losing sleep, trying to get the smell of urine out of the house....
My home is where I live. It is where out kids come. I won't have it.
Let him stay in a motel if that's how he wants to live and carry on. Maybe , just maybe if he sits there long enough he'll see exactly where his life is at. That won't happen if you go save him.
Trust me, I know how hard it is not to go drive by, call, stop by.
This is a good day to think about you and what the result would be if you do go check on him.
Wouldn't it have been nice if you leaving him made any difference> It didn't. It will tonight when he is drunk and on a crying jag.
Think of it this way, going over or contacting him is just making it easier for him to continue without any real reprecussion, any real reason to change.
If you think about it, he will play on your weakness, you need to play on your strength.
I live with my alcoholic husband pretty contently because I let the reprecussions fall on him.
I realized that the only trouble I had in my life was the trouble that came from him. He seemed to think it was just a bag luck phase. It's the cops, it's me, it's the job....
Your life just consists of picking them up, dropping them off, losing sleep, trying to get the smell of urine out of the house....
My home is where I live. It is where out kids come. I won't have it.
Let him stay in a motel if that's how he wants to live and carry on. Maybe , just maybe if he sits there long enough he'll see exactly where his life is at. That won't happen if you go save him.
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 29
It's really hard to leave someone that you love, but in the end you have to realize that there is nothing that you can do for him, and so much that you can do for yourself. It hurts, and sometimes you doubt your decision. You sit there and you wonder what he's doing, and is he OK? But it comes down to a choice between you or him. And you have got to take care of yourself, because you are the only one that can. If you need to, you can PM me, I'll be happy to talk, or just listen.
it is what it is...
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 179
Read the thread titled "why don't they just get it" and look under Duets reply. I wish I was a little more computer savvy to make that easier. Anyway, she has a poem in there that is awesome and will make you feel better. You are helping him by letting him be on his own. I know it is so hard. I hate that about this disease. I hate letting go and walking away. I am always afraid of when he does fall. I hate the guilt, I hate that I miss him, etc. It just plain sucks. You are doing good cleaning and doing something for yourself. Hang in there honey. Be sure to read that poem.
There is a lot of good advice her today too. Good luck to you!!! B
There is a lot of good advice her today too. Good luck to you!!! B
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
Going back to check on him might help to relieve some of your pain...not his. The most loving thing you can do for both yourself and the alcoholic is to leave him alone in his own rubble and pain. He needs to face the consequences he has served up for himself. There was an incredibly wonderful thread on here the other day that spoke of "blocking the entrance" to the alcoholics bottom. He is choosing this mess of a life, and you need to respect his choices and his right to live in the toilet if he so desires. He will only see the toilet of his life when he is alone to do so.
I know that I only sobered up when I felt totally alone and abandoned. I looked at my closest companion of alcohol and realized my "friend" had stolen my life. I digested that this thing I had been totally devoted and committed to was truly the enemy. The battle is between him and the bottle. You are powerless.
I know that I only sobered up when I felt totally alone and abandoned. I looked at my closest companion of alcohol and realized my "friend" had stolen my life. I digested that this thing I had been totally devoted and committed to was truly the enemy. The battle is between him and the bottle. You are powerless.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 792
mec, good for you! and don't be ashamed or embarrassed if you go back on your boundary or your decision more than one time. eventually, you get sick of the heartache and the pain and you'll quit for good. i thought there was no way i'd live without being able to check up on my ex, i thought she'd fall apart without me, i thought she'd drink herself to death and sleep with random men along the way, contract an STD... and all of this would be my fault because i let her do it.
and frankly, she's doing it anyway, after months of me crying, begging her to change, after months of checking up on her. it just ended up being a waste of my time and my heart.
you've done the right thing. he'll change when he wants to, IF he wants to. don't check up on him... it's going to be hard at first but get through every second without doing it, and you'll feel like a whole new person in a few days. it gets much, much easier. trust me on that.
and frankly, she's doing it anyway, after months of me crying, begging her to change, after months of checking up on her. it just ended up being a waste of my time and my heart.
you've done the right thing. he'll change when he wants to, IF he wants to. don't check up on him... it's going to be hard at first but get through every second without doing it, and you'll feel like a whole new person in a few days. it gets much, much easier. trust me on that.
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Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: concord, nc
Posts: 304
You have no control over him. Been there, tried that. It didn't work. He is going to do what he wants to do. You can not stop him. You only have control over yourself. Keep reading this board. The posts are blessings.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Tomah, WI
Posts: 52
Ok everyone thanks again for the great advice... I did keep my self busy most of the day and I did go back to check on him but this time I took food. I know he must be hungry sooner or later. And when he let me in the hotel room he was like thanks sweety I could use some food. And then we talked and I had told him again that this is it... I am done.. and that I do not want to live like this any more and I will be a friend but that is it... he said thanks for being there and I asked him if he was done drinking and he said yes... and he let me take his beer out of the room and he wanted water... so I went to the store and got a gallon of water and he was happy with that... I spent most of the day with him while he shaked and tryed to detox... and as of now he is doing ok... sleeping in the other room and I hope he understand that I am here as a friend.
I know some of you said not to go and check on him but I just had to for my own piece of mind...
I will keep you all posted.. and thanks again for all the help....
I know some of you said not to go and check on him but I just had to for my own piece of mind...
I will keep you all posted.. and thanks again for all the help....
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: By the sea
Posts: 415
There's no set "right" way to deal with any of this craziness...everyone's situation is individual. It sounds to me like you did a great job, MEC, keeping your boundaries in place, while at the same time doing what made you feel right.
Detoxing can be dangerous...have you read the sticky about it?
Detoxing can be dangerous...have you read the sticky about it?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: grove, OK
Posts: 21
I understand completely the need to check on him..it's what we do care for them......I have found though I become so concerned with the welfare of my A I tend to forget about me.....and beleive me his concern about me when there is any is short lived.......I am new at this and for my sanity I am trying to concentrate on me for a change......not easy....and very lonely.....a small step at atime
Just don't forget about you ........make time for you.
Just don't forget about you ........make time for you.
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
You didn't leave him, Mec. He abandoned you and reality--a long time ago when he choose drinking, self-pity, and self-absorption over his relationship with you.
You just woke up today and decided that the nightmare is over. That's what I did two years ago last March. It was March 16th to be exact and my 45th birthday. I had been finding my boyfriend hopelessly drunk when I picked him up after work day after day after day.
I could see him passed out in his chair in the big picture window of his office. Some days, he appeared to be dead. I could see him slumped in his chair, saliva or vomit running off his chin, his pants unzipped, and the door to his building locked. I would bang on the windows in a panic trying to wake him up, but he wouldn't budge. I didn't know if he was in a diabetic sugar low, just drunk, or dead. On two occassions after being unable to rouse him by pounding on the windows and door, I called 911.
Both times, by the time the ambulance arrived he was awake and struggling to open the door. Both times, they determined he was drunk and offered to take him to a rehab facility. He refused. Both times when the paramedics arrived he threatened to hurt me. Apparently, I'd embarrassed him by thinking he was dead and calling 911. Both times, he tried to open the passenger side door while I was driving him home and leap out of the car into traffic. Both times he tried to overpower me while I was driving and take control of the steering wheel.
Then one day I decided that the nightmare would end when I decided that I'd had enough. So, the next morning while I was driving him to work, I told him that if I found him drunk that night, I'd be done. I'd drive him to a nearby hotel--one close to work so that he could walk to work the next day, and then I'd leave him there and simply drive away.
And that's what I did. It just happened to be on my 45th birthday. Was is hard to do? You betcha. Walking away from the man I used to love was the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life. And yet it was the best thing I've ever done for myself.
I just celebrated my 47th birthday. And what a celebration it was. It was a celebration of LIFE and FREEDOM and SERENITY. And there wasn't a drop of alcohol in sight.
My boyfriend still struggles with his demons. He's had periods of sobriety and periods where he's as lost as ever. But one thing remains constant: I have peace in my home now and peace in my life. And thanks to the help of my higher power and the folks at SoberRecovery, the nightmare is over.
Your nightmare can be over, too. You just have to decide that you really want to end it. If you pick up the phone, the nightmare will continue. The choice is yours.
You just woke up today and decided that the nightmare is over. That's what I did two years ago last March. It was March 16th to be exact and my 45th birthday. I had been finding my boyfriend hopelessly drunk when I picked him up after work day after day after day.
I could see him passed out in his chair in the big picture window of his office. Some days, he appeared to be dead. I could see him slumped in his chair, saliva or vomit running off his chin, his pants unzipped, and the door to his building locked. I would bang on the windows in a panic trying to wake him up, but he wouldn't budge. I didn't know if he was in a diabetic sugar low, just drunk, or dead. On two occassions after being unable to rouse him by pounding on the windows and door, I called 911.
Both times, by the time the ambulance arrived he was awake and struggling to open the door. Both times, they determined he was drunk and offered to take him to a rehab facility. He refused. Both times when the paramedics arrived he threatened to hurt me. Apparently, I'd embarrassed him by thinking he was dead and calling 911. Both times, he tried to open the passenger side door while I was driving him home and leap out of the car into traffic. Both times he tried to overpower me while I was driving and take control of the steering wheel.
Then one day I decided that the nightmare would end when I decided that I'd had enough. So, the next morning while I was driving him to work, I told him that if I found him drunk that night, I'd be done. I'd drive him to a nearby hotel--one close to work so that he could walk to work the next day, and then I'd leave him there and simply drive away.
And that's what I did. It just happened to be on my 45th birthday. Was is hard to do? You betcha. Walking away from the man I used to love was the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life. And yet it was the best thing I've ever done for myself.
I just celebrated my 47th birthday. And what a celebration it was. It was a celebration of LIFE and FREEDOM and SERENITY. And there wasn't a drop of alcohol in sight.
My boyfriend still struggles with his demons. He's had periods of sobriety and periods where he's as lost as ever. But one thing remains constant: I have peace in my home now and peace in my life. And thanks to the help of my higher power and the folks at SoberRecovery, the nightmare is over.
Your nightmare can be over, too. You just have to decide that you really want to end it. If you pick up the phone, the nightmare will continue. The choice is yours.
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