my mama
 

well, i went on vacation, and it was beyond good....went to a cabin on the lake in the woods. just me and my dog. no phone, no hassles....it was grand.

the day i got back from vacation, my mama came to spend a week with me.

then i needed another vacation.

i've always said i don't like my mother, but i love her. i came to a realization, a very difficult realization, that i don't think i do love my mother at all.

i feel duty.

she is never a person that i would choose as a friend based on character.

i thought i had forgiven my mother many years ago for many things, but now i think differently.

been very upsetting for me. very. who wants to not love their mother, for god's sake????

her actions led my sister and i through hell as children.......and now she is acting like a helpless old woman at 70....you would think she is 101.

today, 70 is not ancient like it used to be. i see so many vibrant, happy people up in their 90's, still laughing and enjoying life so much.

when i look at her, i feel anger, disgust, contempt. it is hard to write this. hard to put in black and white.

i need to take the same actions towards her that i took with my xah. need to find compassion in her actions, because they are very sick actions.
i just keep thinking of how she hurt my and my sister so badly and slammed through life leaving a wake a destruction behind her.

i think i married my mom when i married my xah. because they are so much alike.

feel like i'm starting all over again in recovery, but with my mama now instead of my x. i've got to find a way to apply what i've learned to my feelings about my mama......i don't want to not love her.

(((((((((((((((Jeri)))))))))))))))

That's a tough one.
Been there.


Earthworm

Caring, understanding hugs , jeri

Mine was a sister.

In my case I seem to expect more of females than a male?

It's hard. I found learning about my family tree helped me to understand my relatives in ways I never had before. Helped make their actions more clear.

It is true about alot of our family members....and there is nothing wrong with a sense of duty to ones family members. You can pick your friends but not your family.But the same as with an A you can set boundries. I find with family a lot is best ignored when they have done something wrong in the past or even the here and now.Mates and friends may come and go--but your Mother will always be your Mother.....

oh I forgot I was wondering how your trip went--glad you enjoyed it and had time to relax a bit...next time have Mom come over to visit-then take the trip...lol

I don't think we have to feel tremendous feelings of love and affection for our parents - sometimes not even a trickle of those emotions. We are commanded to honor our father and mother. You had her in your home; I'm sure you were a good hostess and let a lot of her junk slide. That is honoring your mother.

As someone who had a mother whose been dead almost nine years, I still carry the fallout from the sadistic stuff she pulled on me when I was a kid. Whew! I wouldn't have wished her on my own worst enemy. I eventually cut all ties with her. I've never regretted it.

I'm sorry you had to be put through the wringer by her, but you have insight to see her for what she is. Just by talking about it, you're allowing yourself to detach.

I am grateful to have a wonderful mom. My dad on the other hand.... my description of him is "he's a strange bird". We never see eye to eye unless I am doing and being exaclty as he wants me too. He'll go years not talking to me just because it was my turn to call him back. He makes me feel less then. I decided that because I would regret it otherwise, I will always be kind to my dad. I can't change him. I see alot of him in my A too. Took me a while to realize that. But him being my dad. I just have to accept him the way he is. He doesn't do anything terrible, I just can't stand his way of thinking or dealing with me, my sister, my neices, but I understand why he is that way and if he is OK with it, good for him. I choose not to worry about him. I don't like him any more that he likes me but I will always love him. Good luck. B

I was very blessed to have a mother that I both loved and liked.

However, I think our parents, out of their own issues or whatever, can and do cause some of the things/thoughts that have lead us to where we are today. Take it one day at a time Embraced!!! You 've done good with the X and will with your mom too.

Much love to you.

thanks so much to all of you.

i know my mama was so young....she was only 15 when she got preggers with me....so she was a kid, too. my grandparents raised me until i was seven, then she took me and moved over 300 miles from my grandparents.

the time with my grandparents was beautiful....happiest time of my childhood.
after i went with my mom, well, life wasn't at all what i had been taught by my grandparents. i'll leave it at that.

i have to find a way to forgive her. she neglected my sister and myself, but she was always taken care of in the finest degree....at least she thought so.

this visit with her has been very enlightening for me.....looking at her was just like looking at my ex.....it shook me to my core.

I've talked a bit about my mother here. It's hard when you are familiar strangers. My mother and I live common things and people but I'm not sure we love each other. I don't know how to tell.
I don't and never have felt like a daughter, I have always been an extention of her. Between the two of us, the house was clean and the kids taken care of.
It is particularly awkward because her friends have adoring children. She does have needs, but she resents not having the undivided attention of her grown and married kids. She looks for the fruit from being a warm and supportive mother. She never planted those seeds with me. There is no fruit.
Don't get me wrong, I wish her no ill will.
I'n fine when our conversations are practical. I don't want any more than that.
I once did home care for an extremely rich rich lady. I liked her very much. I liked her only adult daughter too. Her daughter was in another country when the lady look a bad turn and time was slipping by. The daughter started back to try and get home before the lady died. I spoke with her many times on route. She did not want to be there at her mothers death bed. They had a cold and superficial relationship. As the daughter started to expain, looking for understanding, I did understand totally. She said she just couldn't do that death bed hand holding, it was not a time to make things right, it already was right. She said she learned to be happy without her mothers affection a very long time ago. I felt very bad for her.
I hope now that your mothers visit is over, you can bask in th emomories of your week at the cabin. The season is early so maybe you can make it back there this year. Why not?

ahhhhhh malllloooooooowwwww......i always love to read your responses.

i'm feeling shame for not feeling all gushy over my mama and in fact, having negative feelings about her. my daughter and i are so close and we have so much fun....share so much with the children.....when she comes over, she sits right next to me and throws her leg over my leg and we hold hands and just smooze and coo.

we care about, and like each other and i am secure in that. i regret that when i look at my mother, i have such negative feelings....sickening feelings.

thanks for the reality check.

I've said it here before because it is the truth. I am the same way with my sons as you are with your daughter and it takes not thought or efort at all, it is a joy. My mother has never said , "I love you", or hugged me, not ever. Not when I had a baby or got married or graduated high school or college. I don't get it either.

Just want you to know I hear what you are saying and wish I could make it all better. Thinking of you...

I too have a wonderful loving relationship with my Mother-we live together--never in my life have I ever met anyone like her. I do understand that not every one has that though--most of my friends never got along with their mothers in any way shape or form--they all wanted my mother lol to be their mother---and she was to many of my friends. God did bless me in that area...

Mallow & Embraced -

So impressed and happy that you both have created such happy and warm family situations despite the coldness of your own upbringings.

You know, that's no small thing!

I hope you give yourselves lots of credit. You deserve it. Proves that cycles can be broken, and that people really DO choose their destinies in many ways.

:)
neg

It took me a lot of years in the program to accept that both my parents were human and did the best with what they had. I found that the more I worked on myself and got strong in my life the less their actions bothered me.


Earthworm

earthworm....i truly believe what you say.....the more one works on themselves, the less significant others behaviors or actions become to oneself......

lordy, i had to do a total remake on myself regarding my relationship with my ex....now it's time to dig deeper and go further.

i certainly don't want to have these feelings about my mother......one of my problems is that i still see her actions of yesteryear.....she is the same now as then....and even more so. being around her just drains me....makes me feel like i have been trying to run through mud arse deep.

just need to keep working my program and trying to apply it to my mama.....one of the things that is upsetting me is that i could walk away from my ex eventually.....but i don't think i could ever do that with my mother because i feel duty bound to her. so i've got to find the right places to put all of this in my mind.

more program, more program, more program.

Yup duty, I think the key phrase is "doing their best". My upbringing was absorbed in drinking and cheating. It was far from their best. My mother had an affair and I got kicked out at 15.
I watched an Oprah show a very long time ago where she talked about giving up the wish. Giving up the wish can save you. I could sit an cry for the mother who wanted to be my mother, that woman does not exist. It would do me no good to continue to want. That sounds bitter. It isn't. I just think that the burden of change in the mother/daughter thing is there's to fix. Geeze, I can't imagine where my life would be if I were still lamenting over not having a motherly mother. Just because she is your mother doesn't make her exempt from nuturing that relationship. If having a loving and devoted, adoring daughter came to all those at a time they needed it for themselves, what honor comes to those mothers who sit up at night when you are sick, tell you are pretty, hug and kiss you? As has beeen said here many times, trust is earned. I think in many ways our cold relationships with our mothers does resemble our relationships with our alcoholics. They want the rewards without having made any investment.
It's OK to not like your mother. If you were to make a list of the loving things in life that are free to give, what did she give?

Maybe you don't need to walk away from her Embraced, maybe some good boundaries from you would help?

Don't forget we alwAys tend to think in worse case scenario and go from A to Z without checking in between.

Earthworm