I am still human
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,351
I am still human
Yes today was a bad day for me--as you know I have Lupus and Fibromyalgia--so I do have ''bad ''days
Top that off with some serious cabin fever--living in the NE and the fact that everthing I touch I drop etc...I can be very miserable at times.
What bothers me about it is after I am feeling a little better on one of these crappy days--I worry I may have ""upset"" my AS-and then the fear of ''maybe I am going to push him over the edge being sick""
I feel it will be ''my''fault if he starts drinking again because I do not have it together,,Dumb HUH???? But I still feel it even though he remains sober and is doing so well....It's like as a mother I have to feel guilty about it all all the time--like I cause it....
Sorry just venting I guess....................
Top that off with some serious cabin fever--living in the NE and the fact that everthing I touch I drop etc...I can be very miserable at times.
What bothers me about it is after I am feeling a little better on one of these crappy days--I worry I may have ""upset"" my AS-and then the fear of ''maybe I am going to push him over the edge being sick""
I feel it will be ''my''fault if he starts drinking again because I do not have it together,,Dumb HUH???? But I still feel it even though he remains sober and is doing so well....It's like as a mother I have to feel guilty about it all all the time--like I cause it....
Sorry just venting I guess....................
Royalty
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Ohio
Posts: 366
You can't make him drink, you're not that powerful...
That's someone's quote....and I think it fits. I also think it's so untrue or everyone on this planet would be alcoholics/addicts. It's the fact that they have no coping skills that causes it. We have all been dealt lots of difficulties (some more than others - Fibramyalgia too? damm) but it's how a person deals with issues that makes them choose alcohol or not.
Deal (life) or No deal (alcohol).
That's someone's quote....and I think it fits. I also think it's so untrue or everyone on this planet would be alcoholics/addicts. It's the fact that they have no coping skills that causes it. We have all been dealt lots of difficulties (some more than others - Fibramyalgia too? damm) but it's how a person deals with issues that makes them choose alcohol or not.
Deal (life) or No deal (alcohol).
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: state of confusion
Posts: 351
So sorry to hear you have had a bad day. I know as moms we seem destined to feel guilty about everything regarding our kids ... but please don't be so hard on yourself. Moms always seem to worry about their kids no matter what the circumstances.
My brother developed SLE (lupus) when he was 12 and my Ahusband developed a debilitating level of Fibromyalgia several years ago and this was on top of a number of alcohol related problems he incurred in his last 2 years. I myself had significant autoimmune problems in my 20's and 30's ...and I never knew from one day to the next what I could and could not do or how crummy I would feel ... and I know my brother and husband endured some of the same frustrations. On bad days I would keep telling myself that I had to be due for some good days soon .. and any day was a good day if I could get up and take care of myself and get at least a few things done.
Interestingly, it was when my brother developed lupus, instead of giving my father another reason to drink ... it inspired my Afather to stop drinking and turn his life around dramatically. My dad got his act together, sobered up, asked for his old job back and got it - went on to a successful career and became a good provider for his family and dramatically changed the quality of our family's life ... and provided the care and support my brother needed. My dad slipped and drank for a few days several times a year ... however he completely changed the direction of his life .. and this change was totally motivated by his concern for his son's health. For the first time his focus was on caring for others instead of himself. My dad was a perfect example of why alcoholism is not always a progressive disease ... and in his later years was wonderfully kind and supportive to me in spite of his own failing health when he found out my own husband was an alcoholic. Many times I have wondered if my brother hadn't been sick... if my dad would have made these enormous changes in his life ...and in ours.
Please take care ... and I hope you have many "good" tomorrows ahead of you.
My brother developed SLE (lupus) when he was 12 and my Ahusband developed a debilitating level of Fibromyalgia several years ago and this was on top of a number of alcohol related problems he incurred in his last 2 years. I myself had significant autoimmune problems in my 20's and 30's ...and I never knew from one day to the next what I could and could not do or how crummy I would feel ... and I know my brother and husband endured some of the same frustrations. On bad days I would keep telling myself that I had to be due for some good days soon .. and any day was a good day if I could get up and take care of myself and get at least a few things done.
Interestingly, it was when my brother developed lupus, instead of giving my father another reason to drink ... it inspired my Afather to stop drinking and turn his life around dramatically. My dad got his act together, sobered up, asked for his old job back and got it - went on to a successful career and became a good provider for his family and dramatically changed the quality of our family's life ... and provided the care and support my brother needed. My dad slipped and drank for a few days several times a year ... however he completely changed the direction of his life .. and this change was totally motivated by his concern for his son's health. For the first time his focus was on caring for others instead of himself. My dad was a perfect example of why alcoholism is not always a progressive disease ... and in his later years was wonderfully kind and supportive to me in spite of his own failing health when he found out my own husband was an alcoholic. Many times I have wondered if my brother hadn't been sick... if my dad would have made these enormous changes in his life ...and in ours.
Please take care ... and I hope you have many "good" tomorrows ahead of you.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
Ouch - fibromyalgia. That achy-all-over feeling and that darned fatigue that you can't shake. Then add lupus to the mix. The Northeast isn't the best place for you to be with all that dampness and cold. However, that's where you are for the time being, so you have to make the best of it.
Your cat has such a lovely face. I believe animals are angelic beings by their very nature to bond with us in such a completely unselfish way. Their love only asks that we feed them, take care of their bare necessities, and love them in return. I have two "boys" - neutered purebred Cornish Rex cats - and they are my heart.
I have listened to every single looney alcoholic excuse/rationale/blame session you can imagine. To be perfectly honest, I thought it was a bunch of baloney even before I got into Al-Anon. I knew perfectly well I didn't cause him to drink. God did not endow me - or anyone else as far as I know -with power over other people. He told me a few months ago that I was not to argue with him because it "made" him angry and when he got angry he drank more.
Yeah, right. He got drunk when he was happy, sad, mad, glad, stressed .... like I had anything to do with his inability to cope. Oh, please.
We ALL feel down on ourselves when we are physically worn down. Remind yourself that you are a valuable, worthwhile person. God loves you and he isn't in the business of making junk. Perhaps you should take some time to think this through and figure out what is making you feel responsible and guilty about the possibilty of AS drinking. The thoughts you are having are strictly about you.
Take some time for you. Don't be so hard on yourself. You're not feeling well. Don't add to it by beating yourself up. Cabin fever - remember it well when I lived in Baltimore. However, now that I'm in the desert, I can go out anytime - no snow, almost never any rain, and rarely colder than needing a jacket. Do you have a fireplace you can sit in front of? Is there a place you can go with a warm blanket and a good book? How about treating yourself gently a bit more so you can have some serenity about yourself?
Your cat has such a lovely face. I believe animals are angelic beings by their very nature to bond with us in such a completely unselfish way. Their love only asks that we feed them, take care of their bare necessities, and love them in return. I have two "boys" - neutered purebred Cornish Rex cats - and they are my heart.
I have listened to every single looney alcoholic excuse/rationale/blame session you can imagine. To be perfectly honest, I thought it was a bunch of baloney even before I got into Al-Anon. I knew perfectly well I didn't cause him to drink. God did not endow me - or anyone else as far as I know -with power over other people. He told me a few months ago that I was not to argue with him because it "made" him angry and when he got angry he drank more.
Yeah, right. He got drunk when he was happy, sad, mad, glad, stressed .... like I had anything to do with his inability to cope. Oh, please.
We ALL feel down on ourselves when we are physically worn down. Remind yourself that you are a valuable, worthwhile person. God loves you and he isn't in the business of making junk. Perhaps you should take some time to think this through and figure out what is making you feel responsible and guilty about the possibilty of AS drinking. The thoughts you are having are strictly about you.
Take some time for you. Don't be so hard on yourself. You're not feeling well. Don't add to it by beating yourself up. Cabin fever - remember it well when I lived in Baltimore. However, now that I'm in the desert, I can go out anytime - no snow, almost never any rain, and rarely colder than needing a jacket. Do you have a fireplace you can sit in front of? Is there a place you can go with a warm blanket and a good book? How about treating yourself gently a bit more so you can have some serenity about yourself?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Happy with me !
Posts: 680
Don't be so hard on yourself sunflower !
My mother had fibromyalgia and rhumetoid (i know that is spelled wrong
)
arthritis.........so I know when you say you had a bad day, you really did.
Hope today is a better one for you.
Your "baby" is soooo cute. I love cats!
My mother had fibromyalgia and rhumetoid (i know that is spelled wrong
)arthritis.........so I know when you say you had a bad day, you really did.
Hope today is a better one for you.
Your "baby" is soooo cute. I love cats!
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
G'day Sunflower,
Of course, you worry your husband will leave or abandon you by drinking. That's perfectly natural. Is that the feelings of a mother or child? Your fear is natural. No matter what, you are cared for in this universe. You are a growing sunflower who will lean into the sun of love and support from both the benevolent spirt and those who will extend their hands to you. Care for yourself and do not fuel pain or fear with worry about tomorrow. Enjoy the sunlight of today.
Of course, you worry your husband will leave or abandon you by drinking. That's perfectly natural. Is that the feelings of a mother or child? Your fear is natural. No matter what, you are cared for in this universe. You are a growing sunflower who will lean into the sun of love and support from both the benevolent spirt and those who will extend their hands to you. Care for yourself and do not fuel pain or fear with worry about tomorrow. Enjoy the sunlight of today.
Hope3
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 2,155
Hi Sunflower, I read your post, and my recently found possitive
mental attitude kicked in. So, when you said this, quote Sunflower
"What bothers me about it is after I am feeling a little better on one of these crappy days--I worry I may have ""upset"" my AS-and then the fear of ''maybe I am going to push him over the edge being sick""End quote sunflower.
I thought, maybe it will help him not drink, thinking he needs to
be strong for mom.
Just a thought, take care Sunflower, hugs, hope3
mental attitude kicked in. So, when you said this, quote Sunflower
"What bothers me about it is after I am feeling a little better on one of these crappy days--I worry I may have ""upset"" my AS-and then the fear of ''maybe I am going to push him over the edge being sick""End quote sunflower.
I thought, maybe it will help him not drink, thinking he needs to
be strong for mom.
Just a thought, take care Sunflower, hugs, hope3
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,351
Thanks for all the replies---unfortunately he has a BIG problem with my being sick...remember I raised him alone and he was used to counting on me--it really hit him hard when I became ill--I was in tremendous pain for 2 years before they found a medicine to help with my pain or even a diagnosis...I cried alot-I was only able to be out of bed for 3-4 hours a day--it was a nightmare...we lost everything just about..I think because I was always so strong and so active he just couldnt stand to see me weak and helpless...he is older now-a man-not a child...he has compassion now-but it really tugs at him when I am having a bad day or week---etc..so being a MOM i feel guilty-I know I shouldn't-I didnt cause this illness any more than I caused his drinking...but thats how I think on a 'good day' on the bad ones-and there are many many-I am weak in all ways......
full of hope
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 1,170
Hey Sun, I can relate to having a Mom who's sick. My mom has lupus, too and was diagnosed with cancer many years ago. She was super mom up to that point.
I can relate to your son in that it's sooo hard to watch your Mom be sick and not be able to do anything to help. My mom suffers so much and it hurts me.
There just aren't any rules in how to deal with this stuff called life. It seems obvious how much your son loves you. It just gets overwhelming trying to figure out how to deal with it all. I'll be praying for your son to make right choices!
p.s...I'll be praying for you too!
I can relate to your son in that it's sooo hard to watch your Mom be sick and not be able to do anything to help. My mom suffers so much and it hurts me.
There just aren't any rules in how to deal with this stuff called life. It seems obvious how much your son loves you. It just gets overwhelming trying to figure out how to deal with it all. I'll be praying for your son to make right choices!
p.s...I'll be praying for you too!
Sunny Side Up
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
Be grateful, very grateful for the fact he is still ok and sober. Why do you want to put yourself in this turmoil? Why do you blame yourself? Ask yourself this. You cant be blaming yourself and wondering why or if he is going to start up again. We are all adults and responsible for ourselves and our choices. Start treating him as a responsible adult. Tell him and yourself what wonderful people you are and tell him you are proud of him.. You are not responsible for anything except to make sure he knows you love him for who he is.
At the end of the day, many people have had the worst and best upbringing from their parents. Many of us have been brought up in the same family situation and wham ohhh one of us becomes an alcoholic, one of us blames ourselves for everyting, one of us is happy. Its what you take from this experience.
Be positive, the addiction is out of your control. Let your hair down and have some fun.
At the end of the day, many people have had the worst and best upbringing from their parents. Many of us have been brought up in the same family situation and wham ohhh one of us becomes an alcoholic, one of us blames ourselves for everyting, one of us is happy. Its what you take from this experience.
Be positive, the addiction is out of your control. Let your hair down and have some fun.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
I think the feelings outweigh the facts. You feel the way you feel. Youcan;t make him drink or not drink, it's a crap shoot everyday that is out of your control. It's a mothers worry and that's all there is to it. All the facts in the world don't change a mothers heart on this.
Even when things are good, this threat is there. Stress is not your friend because it goes beyond the typical nervous breakdown of his drinking.
At a time when you feel like you should find some way of intervening, the stress of the event causes exacerbations of your lupus.
Round and round it goes.
I think the best thing to do is "need him". Have him sit with you, talk about your life, your health. Talk about lupus. Talk about him being the closest person to you. I think sometimes we try to be everything to them, feeeling like they can't handle things. Maybe he needs something real to handle. Maybe he needs to realzie how much his sobriety is needed, how your peace is so linkied to his. Can you talk to him and maybe show him some of your vulnerabilites? I don't mean guilting him or trying to manipulate him. I mean being real with each other. Becoming friends. It's a hard transition from that mother/son relationship, especially when you were a single parent.
Maybe he's ready to see you and needs to see you as a woman with thougths and feelings about things. I know that boys like to be treated like men, I am a pretty firm believer that people will rise to our expectations.
What do you think would happen if you started treating him like the person you know he can be? Ask his opinions, ask his advice.
I think no matter who our alcoholic is, we start treating them like an alcoholic. We don't trust them, we don't really want theri advice, we don't rely on them.
Let's suppose he lets you down every single time. You can't trust him. What if you just pretended you did?
Even when things are good, this threat is there. Stress is not your friend because it goes beyond the typical nervous breakdown of his drinking.
At a time when you feel like you should find some way of intervening, the stress of the event causes exacerbations of your lupus.
Round and round it goes.
I think the best thing to do is "need him". Have him sit with you, talk about your life, your health. Talk about lupus. Talk about him being the closest person to you. I think sometimes we try to be everything to them, feeeling like they can't handle things. Maybe he needs something real to handle. Maybe he needs to realzie how much his sobriety is needed, how your peace is so linkied to his. Can you talk to him and maybe show him some of your vulnerabilites? I don't mean guilting him or trying to manipulate him. I mean being real with each other. Becoming friends. It's a hard transition from that mother/son relationship, especially when you were a single parent.
Maybe he's ready to see you and needs to see you as a woman with thougths and feelings about things. I know that boys like to be treated like men, I am a pretty firm believer that people will rise to our expectations.
What do you think would happen if you started treating him like the person you know he can be? Ask his opinions, ask his advice.
I think no matter who our alcoholic is, we start treating them like an alcoholic. We don't trust them, we don't really want theri advice, we don't rely on them.
Let's suppose he lets you down every single time. You can't trust him. What if you just pretended you did?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,351
thanks all for your constant support--I think I do need to talk to him more-positive and comforting words...it seems in a lot of ways he has been trying to open that door again, I got up this morning and he had done all the grocery shopping for me.Alot of times he will stay at his girlfriends and he will always call and say goodnight or thank me for dinner I made him--it is so unlike him--that even makes me nervous lol--I think -he is too nice to me--maybe he is stoned--I swear I can't help it.Maybe it is just a Mother thing-cause I never cared what happened to my ex alcoholic husband-and I have been divorced 25 years.
I am happy he is sober--so happy you can not imagine! It's just the statistics hound me of how many never make it-I have to focus more on the A's I know who have made it.
I worry the stress of my illness will be to hard on him....sometimes I think maybe he has finally realized how streesful his A was on my illness..you are right it is a viscious circle!!!
I am happy he is sober--so happy you can not imagine! It's just the statistics hound me of how many never make it-I have to focus more on the A's I know who have made it.
I worry the stress of my illness will be to hard on him....sometimes I think maybe he has finally realized how streesful his A was on my illness..you are right it is a viscious circle!!!
it is what it is...
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 179
Hi sunflower. Sorry you're not feeling well. Do you remember my post a while back about being afraid to be happy? You reminded me of that saying that on the days you do feel good you worry about your son. I don't know how to overcome that feeling of "the other shoe dropping". I still get scared when something good happens that something really bad will be next. It is a lot of hearing about relapses and living through them as well. I have to remind myself sometimes that happiness comes in moments. I have to tell myself that if I wait for everything to be perfect that I will miss out on other good things. Take happiness in the little things for a while. I know your illness is hard on your son but maybe it makes him feel good to be there for you now. After you took care of him all those years. Maybe it is part of his recovery and staying recovered so that he can help you now. Just a different way to look at it I guess. I hope you have some good days coming. Love ya B
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