We Drink, He's in Detox
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Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Chardon, OH.
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We Drink, He's in Detox
My friend just went into detox. He was drinking a bottle of tequila every two days as well as beer. He was missing a lot of work, lying to his friends and family, and was always stumbling and shaking. Last Friday, two of my friends and I had a intervention with him which went very well. After two days of trying to stop on his own he signed up for an inpatient detox.
We want to support him in anyway that we can but we are all casual drinkers and all of his friends and family drink so it's going to be impossible to keep him totaly away from it. We also don't want to exclude him from any trips or get togethers. We will try to refrain from drinking around him but I worry about everybody else. Any help would be appreciated!
We want to support him in anyway that we can but we are all casual drinkers and all of his friends and family drink so it's going to be impossible to keep him totaly away from it. We also don't want to exclude him from any trips or get togethers. We will try to refrain from drinking around him but I worry about everybody else. Any help would be appreciated!
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Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Happy with me !
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Hi, Velo, and welcome to SR ! There will be others along later with much more insight than I have. I am still very new to all of this.
You sound like an awesome friend ! The A has to deal with his/her own demons.....we just have to let them know we are here for them in their recovery.
You sound like an awesome friend ! The A has to deal with his/her own demons.....we just have to let them know we are here for them in their recovery.
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Dixie
Posts: 612
Congratulations on getting your friend into recovery. This is a very good issue for discussion. When the alcoholic goes into recovery, how is everyone else supposed to act when it comes to drinking?
First of all... how much drinking are we talking about? A glass of wine with dinner, or a night out dancing and party drinking? I would think that would be relevant.
Personally, I would guess that a recovering addict should steer clear of his drinking friends for a while... but I don't know. So... I asked my husband, who is in recovery. He said it would not bother him.
I would like to hear from those on this board who are currently in recovery.
First of all... how much drinking are we talking about? A glass of wine with dinner, or a night out dancing and party drinking? I would think that would be relevant.
Personally, I would guess that a recovering addict should steer clear of his drinking friends for a while... but I don't know. So... I asked my husband, who is in recovery. He said it would not bother him.
I would like to hear from those on this board who are currently in recovery.
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 792
you know, my ex always said that just because she had a drinking problem didn't mean everyone else did, so it didn't bother her when she saw other people drinking... BUT this eventually led to many relapses, as she was "jealous" of how all of her friends could drink but she couldn't. i'm sure it's overwhelming to watch your friends do something you can't...
i never drank around my A. actually i never drank period. and since we broke up, i have absolutely no desire to be near that crap. and in my opinion, if i HAD been drinking when we were together, she wouldn't have stayed sober for so long. it was when she reunited with old friends she drank with or hung out with new ones that drank a lot, the drinking began again...
i never drank around my A. actually i never drank period. and since we broke up, i have absolutely no desire to be near that crap. and in my opinion, if i HAD been drinking when we were together, she wouldn't have stayed sober for so long. it was when she reunited with old friends she drank with or hung out with new ones that drank a lot, the drinking began again...
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Murfreesboro, TN
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Originally Posted by Velo 
My friend just went into detox. He was drinking a bottle of tequila every two days as well as beer. He was missing a lot of work, lying to his friends and family, and was always stumbling and shaking. Last Friday, two of my friends and I had a intervention with him which went very well. After two days of trying to stop on his own he signed up for an inpatient detox.
We want to support him in anyway that we can but we are all casual drinkers and all of his friends and family drink so it's going to be impossible to keep him totaly away from it. We also don't want to exclude him from any trips or get togethers. We will try to refrain from drinking around him but I worry about everybody else. Any help would be appreciated!
We want to support him in anyway that we can but we are all casual drinkers and all of his friends and family drink so it's going to be impossible to keep him totaly away from it. We also don't want to exclude him from any trips or get togethers. We will try to refrain from drinking around him but I worry about everybody else. Any help would be appreciated!
I'm Ed, an alcoholic. I would suggest that you get a copy of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. There is a chapter entitled to "The Family Afterword."
In that chapter it clearly states that an alcoholic can recover regardless of his circumstances. It matters not whether he has money, a house, a family, or anything of material value. I know this is true because I've seen it in the rooms of AA.
I would suggest however, that if his family and friends really love him, that they give him a fighting chance by refraining to drink around him. I was very lucky. When I made the decision to get sober, prior to entering a treatment facility, God removed the complusion to drink from my mind. From that moment, I've not minded when anyone drank around me. This, unfortuately is the exception rather than the rule.
Try your best to be kind to him. Remember, he is sick. I don't think any of his friends and family would be smoking around him if they knew he had just had surgery for lung cancer would they? Alcoholism is a disease of the mind, body, and spirit. It is an illness just as sure as cancer or diabetes are illnesses.
I don't know if this helps or not. I felt compelled to share it. Bless you and your friend.
Yours in sobriety,
Ed
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Join Date: Aug 2005
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Originally Posted by InThisForMe
you know, my ex always said that just because she had a drinking problem didn't mean everyone else did, so it didn't bother her when she saw other people drinking... BUT this eventually led to many relapses, as she was "jealous" of how all of her friends could drink but she couldn't. i'm sure it's overwhelming to watch your friends do something you can't...
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Join Date: Apr 2004
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I agree with Golfman. If you are nothing more than casual drinkers, it shouldn't be a biggie to not drink around him for the time being. This guy is going to be fighting to maintain sobriety every single day for awhile. It's white-knuckle time. That urge to pick up is going to be like a monkey on his back for awhile.
Why not be supportive of him by having get-togethers without any booze around at all? I'm sure his friends drink, but the chances are that some of them are A's too because birds of a feather and all that ... and those were the flock of birds he chose for friends when he was actively drinking.
What his family does is their business. He may request that they refrain from drinking in his presence for the time being. Hopefully, if he requests this of them, they will refrain from drinking.
Anyone who is a "social drinker" doesn't give a hoot whether they drink or not and can enjoy themselves in the company of others without any drinking going on.
Perhaps all of you who are concerned about his maintaining sobriety should just not drink for awhile until he gets settled in. Keep in mind, this is a HUGE fight that he is taking on. He needs his family and friends there for him.
Why not be supportive of him by having get-togethers without any booze around at all? I'm sure his friends drink, but the chances are that some of them are A's too because birds of a feather and all that ... and those were the flock of birds he chose for friends when he was actively drinking.
What his family does is their business. He may request that they refrain from drinking in his presence for the time being. Hopefully, if he requests this of them, they will refrain from drinking.
Anyone who is a "social drinker" doesn't give a hoot whether they drink or not and can enjoy themselves in the company of others without any drinking going on.
Perhaps all of you who are concerned about his maintaining sobriety should just not drink for awhile until he gets settled in. Keep in mind, this is a HUGE fight that he is taking on. He needs his family and friends there for him.
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Green,green grass of home
Posts: 600
Hi and welcome.Alcoholic here who goes to al-anon also...smile..
Both my Hub and i are alcoholics.I was 10 years sober,before hub came to AA and recovery.His drinking never bothered me,for by God s Grace,i had had ---enough.Recovery is an inside job.No matter what other do or dont do.
Let go,let God.
Both my Hub and i are alcoholics.I was 10 years sober,before hub came to AA and recovery.His drinking never bothered me,for by God s Grace,i had had ---enough.Recovery is an inside job.No matter what other do or dont do.
Let go,let God.
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Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: HK
Posts: 115
Hi Velo,
If an alcoholic wants to recover, he/she has to learn how to fight the temptation to drink or learn to avoid "dangerous" places/people in their own way, without the protection from others. I guess, the less protection from others, the faster they learn.
Try not to worry. I myself am working on letting go of these feelings of fear and compulsions of wanting to save.
If an alcoholic wants to recover, he/she has to learn how to fight the temptation to drink or learn to avoid "dangerous" places/people in their own way, without the protection from others. I guess, the less protection from others, the faster they learn.
Try not to worry. I myself am working on letting go of these feelings of fear and compulsions of wanting to save.
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Join Date: Feb 2007
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A really good suggestion I second is to at first have some get togethers without alcohol....a good side effect of this is that your friend would get quality time with his good and close friends....the ones just wanting to party won't show up 
But after a while, its up to him to control the situation...he can pick where to show up. And he also can just ask his friends and family to hang out on his own terms. You sound like a good friend. If you are concerned about the influence of alcohol over him, then you can choose to not drink if that makes you feel comfortable.
For me, I just don't drink around my bf, since he just got out of rehab. I only feel comfortable drinking with others. And I find it no fun to be the only drunk one with my sober bf or friends....it feels embarassing actually, since I don't like looking out of control in front of others who are trying to control their own impulses.
So I would say don't worry about excluding him...he might end up not going at all if he sees an event as being too much of a 'trigger'. It is up to him to arrange his own social life. But as a friend, you can be more receptive to hanging out more individually with him if you are worried about never seeing him becuase of the dangers of large group events. Good luck to you, and to your friend...its hard, but social relations that once relied on alcohol will change with his closer friends and family if they want it to.
But after a while, its up to him to control the situation...he can pick where to show up. And he also can just ask his friends and family to hang out on his own terms. You sound like a good friend. If you are concerned about the influence of alcohol over him, then you can choose to not drink if that makes you feel comfortable.
For me, I just don't drink around my bf, since he just got out of rehab. I only feel comfortable drinking with others. And I find it no fun to be the only drunk one with my sober bf or friends....it feels embarassing actually, since I don't like looking out of control in front of others who are trying to control their own impulses.
So I would say don't worry about excluding him...he might end up not going at all if he sees an event as being too much of a 'trigger'. It is up to him to arrange his own social life. But as a friend, you can be more receptive to hanging out more individually with him if you are worried about never seeing him becuase of the dangers of large group events. Good luck to you, and to your friend...its hard, but social relations that once relied on alcohol will change with his closer friends and family if they want it to.
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Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
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actually personally I like those exotic smoothies at Robeks a lot better than anything with alcohol, except thin French crepes stuffed with vanilla ice cream and chocolate sauce and countreau (did i spell that right) never got drunk no matter how many crepes i ate.
Jamba juice is also ok but Robeks is better. why not use such drinks at social gatherings? great stuff
Jamba juice is also ok but Robeks is better. why not use such drinks at social gatherings? great stuff
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
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Originally Posted by Velo
My friend just went into detox. He was drinking a bottle of tequila every two days as well as beer. He was missing a lot of work, lying to his friends and family, and was always stumbling and shaking. Last Friday, two of my friends and I had a intervention with him which went very well. After two days of trying to stop on his own he signed up for an inpatient detox.
We want to support him in anyway that we can but we are all casual drinkers and all of his friends and family drink so it's going to be impossible to keep him totaly away from it. We also don't want to exclude him from any trips or get togethers. We will try to refrain from drinking around him but I worry about everybody else. Any help would be appreciated!
We want to support him in anyway that we can but we are all casual drinkers and all of his friends and family drink so it's going to be impossible to keep him totaly away from it. We also don't want to exclude him from any trips or get togethers. We will try to refrain from drinking around him but I worry about everybody else. Any help would be appreciated!
If you can refrain when he's around that's great, but with a solid recovery problem your friend should eventually feel comfortable around other drinkers.
There are times when I have to rely on strength and willpower, and walk away when the temptation is too great, but that's OK too. I don't need alcohol to live a happy, joyous life.
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: To the East
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Hi Velo,
I'm a recovering A and I tell you when I finally decided to get sober I distanced myself from drinking situations completely to give myself a fighting chance. I was so afraid of booze - it had totally destroyed my life/family/job and my health. They told me in AA that if you keep going into the barber shop you'd eventually get a hair cut!!! So I chose sober situations for all occassions and when I did go to a drinking event it was with folks that I knew were only going to have a social drink or two. Actually, I didn't hang around with ANYONE that wasn't a drinker just like me so for the first year of my sobriety I just hung out with folks that were sober - period. It taught me that you could have so much fun and not drink, we were all like fish out of the water for so many months, but we were all in the same boat, recovering and learning to live without booze. IT WORKED, 20 years later here I am. I have been one of the very lucky ones and have never had the desire to drink.
You are a good friend to think about this, family and friends supporting me was and continues to be very very important. Give em a fighting chance I say, heck he will probably be at AA meetings every night anyway and won't be around for too many occassions to start out with. I hope he gets it, and stays with it, I'll pray for him.
all the best to you
L
I'm a recovering A and I tell you when I finally decided to get sober I distanced myself from drinking situations completely to give myself a fighting chance. I was so afraid of booze - it had totally destroyed my life/family/job and my health. They told me in AA that if you keep going into the barber shop you'd eventually get a hair cut!!! So I chose sober situations for all occassions and when I did go to a drinking event it was with folks that I knew were only going to have a social drink or two. Actually, I didn't hang around with ANYONE that wasn't a drinker just like me so for the first year of my sobriety I just hung out with folks that were sober - period. It taught me that you could have so much fun and not drink, we were all like fish out of the water for so many months, but we were all in the same boat, recovering and learning to live without booze. IT WORKED, 20 years later here I am. I have been one of the very lucky ones and have never had the desire to drink.
You are a good friend to think about this, family and friends supporting me was and continues to be very very important. Give em a fighting chance I say, heck he will probably be at AA meetings every night anyway and won't be around for too many occassions to start out with. I hope he gets it, and stays with it, I'll pray for him.
all the best to you
L
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Wow, Loreena (and all the rest of you)! What a wonderful success story!
I like to eat -- too much. If chocolate was in front of me, I'd probably end up eating it. So... I try to avoid situations that put me around a lot of food. I imagine that it's kind of the same.
My mother's 80th birthday is coming up, and we are planning a party for her at a restaurant. I know that people will be drinking wine at dinner. Some people might be drinking mixed drinks. I am concerned about how this might tempt my newly recovering AH. We've discussed it, and he says he will be fine. But I still worry.
I like to eat -- too much. If chocolate was in front of me, I'd probably end up eating it. So... I try to avoid situations that put me around a lot of food. I imagine that it's kind of the same.
My mother's 80th birthday is coming up, and we are planning a party for her at a restaurant. I know that people will be drinking wine at dinner. Some people might be drinking mixed drinks. I am concerned about how this might tempt my newly recovering AH. We've discussed it, and he says he will be fine. But I still worry.
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Join Date: Feb 2007
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hope, i don't blame you for being worried. i worried about things like that all the time - i know my ex is going to a baseball game pretty soon with a big group of friends from work/school and it's "mandatory" - and i know they'll drink the entire time there! however, i noticed that even when my ex was in situations where people around her were drinking (like baseball games) when she was with ME, she would have never dared drink, because she wouldn't want to see that look of disappointment in my eyes... it's like it scared her not to. so, i think it's very possible that your AH will not drink around you, especially as he's in recovery and he knows you're on his side... it's embarrassing to fail in front of someone you love.
i didn't mean to change the subject... continue on!
i didn't mean to change the subject... continue on!
Recovering Nicely
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 935
This is a good subject to bring up. My AH is in full blown late stage alcoholism. There have been times in the past where he has stopped for a period of time (he's a binge drinker - goes on benders) and then his mother and family say "oh, no one is allowed to drink around him, you are wrong if you do." So I have a BBQ, no one is drinking any alcoholic beverages - AH goes to the store to get ice for the soda - comes back bombed!!!! And how would you handle if the A was in recovery and you have to go to a family wedding, christening, BBQ, christmas party, etc., where you are not the host? Should you tell the host to refrain from serving alcohol because there is a recovering A coming? Are you supposed to avoid all this all together and never go anywhere, or should the recovering A learn to deal with it. IMO, the world revolves enough around the A when they are actively drinking, why should it revolve around them totally when they are in recovery also?
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Join Date: Nov 2006
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Originally Posted by queenteree
So I have a BBQ, no one is drinking any alcoholic beverages - AH goes to the store to get ice for the soda - comes back bombed!!!!
Thankfully a higher power intervened. I couldn't piece a broken marriage back together, but I have a relationship with my children that brings me to my knees in gratitude every day.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
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Good question. Some in recovery can be around alcohol, some cannot. I don't really have any issue with people drinking around me (sociably of course). I have deeply accepted my inability to drink like non-alcoholics. I also know that I wouldn't like it if people treated me like someone who needed to be "looked after"...like they were somehow responsible for my choices. It would anger me to know that somebody was not drinking around me for fear that I would lose all control and start drinking. I am responsible.
My opinion, is talk to the person you are asking about about his needs in recovery..what he feels is best for his personal recovery.
My opinion, is talk to the person you are asking about about his needs in recovery..what he feels is best for his personal recovery.
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