UGH...why do I feel guilty

Old 03-27-2007, 06:51 PM
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UGH...why do I feel guilty

I can't tell you how many times I have askedmy AH to seek help for his alcoholism. I moved out of the house 3 weeks ago tonight. I have been staying with family. Yesterday, I told him that i put a deposit down on an apartment. Now, today, he tells me that he called a counselor that his brother gave him the number for 3 weeks ago. Because of the amount that he drinks, he was of course told that he needs to do an inpatient treatment. In conversation tonight, he told me that he just doesn't know if he will be able to do it at this time because of me not being at home and him being responsible for all of the bills at the house. I know that if I was to go back tomorrow, that he would probably not follow through with any of this, but I still feel like maybe I should give him one more try. I hate this!
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Old 03-27-2007, 07:01 PM
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Hi Ohio,
Strange thing, guilt is.
I have found that over and over and over I was told what I wanted to hear and that actions talk and words whisper.
When I began listening to peoples actions instead of their words, things got a little clearer..its a muddy road though
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Old 03-27-2007, 07:11 PM
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When I left my XAH back in October, I felt very guilty at first. But you know what? I realized that I had to take care of MYSELF, or I'd lose my mind. I was not abandoning a helpless child, I was getting out of an impossible situation with a 40-year-old man. He's an adult - he can look after himself. During our 12 years of marriage, he always chose drugs and alcohol over me and our children. It was time for me to stop feeling guilty about leaving him. I think HE is the one who needs to feel guilty for a change.
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Old 03-27-2007, 07:26 PM
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When my husband asked to move back home, I just simply replied "sure all you have to do is stop drinking ..for good" ... and of course he had to reply back "but I can't stop drinking when I am living by myself, I need to be with my family or I won't be able to stop". That response always use to drive me crazy ... he lived with our family for over 20 years and made our lives miserable because he ALWAYS drank no matter what we did or said. There were many times in the past, I used to let him move back in and it never made any long term difference he just keep on drinking and trying to hide it, like he had for years. Instead of just destroying his own life ... he wanted to make sure he made 3 other lives miserable everyday in the process.
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Old 03-27-2007, 07:28 PM
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Remember - even when there is no money, an A will find a way to get his alcohol.
If he's serious about his recovery - he'll find a way to do it.

You know in your heart that he's just quacking. If he's not - he'll prove it to you without you having to do a darn thing.

Why do you feel guilty? My guess is that your A knows just how to get to you!
Mine sure did. I was feeling guilty for years after we were seperated and even guilty after our divorce was final!!!!
Now that I understand better why I felt guilt - it's easier to see the potential guilt I could carry that isn't mine to carry! I hope that you'll figure that out too and not have to go through what I did to get there!

Stay strong - no guilt allowed. Your A is responsible for himself. You are responsible for yourself - there is no guilt in that.
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Old 03-27-2007, 07:43 PM
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Hey Ohio - I can totally relate to what you're feeling. While we were still together, I begged my AH for months and months to get help. Almost everyday was an intense drama of him drinking to the point of craziness and me begging and crying for him to get help. I didn't know what to do.

I organized an intervention of sorts with his primary care physician who convinced him to enter a detox facility. Well, AH left early on his own and started drinking right away. I've been gone ever since. I've told him over and over and over again that if he wants rehab, I will help him set it up. But you know what, according to him, he doesn't have a problem. He "fixed" it all on his own. But at the same time, he tells me all the time that he can't get better without me...that leaving him is what's preventing him from getting better.

I feel guilty a lot too.

But I keep reminding myself that I stayed with him for a very long time and he didn't respect me enough to get help then. Why did he have to wait til I was gone? I don't think he is really serious about dealing with his problem. I think he is in denial and is just saying things to get me to come back to him.


I try to do what Elizabeth says...I pay attention to his actions, not his words. If he was serious about recovery and getting me back, he'd run to rehab. But he's not. He's still in the thick of it all.

Why do they wait til we leave? I think it's just a ploy. They are sick. It's very sad. A lot of A's who have posted here have said that often their wives leaving is what makes them seek help. If he's serious he'll get help.

Can you deal with the bills from where you are? Nowadays they often can be done online too.

keep posting! let us know how you're doing. hugs, neg.
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Old 03-27-2007, 08:31 PM
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Hi Ohio,

I am sorry you are hurting. I recently seperated from my AH of 25 years, and he is playing the pity party song, too. But I am just not buying it anymore. Been there, done that, got the tee shirt. More than once.

But I still feel guilty, too. It's real hard to watch any human hurt, especially someone you have loved.

I have learned to watch for actions and ignore words. Words mean nothing at all without changes in behavior, at least when they are from an addict. With my AH, I honestly think he believes what he says when he says it, but he is not capable of following through on it.

Sadly, I have read over and over here that consequences and suffering are what it takes for someone to seek recovery, and that the person must do it on their own, for themselves, or it won't work. It sucks, thats for sure.

Only you can decide what is real and what you want to do, and we are here for you no matter what you decide to do. Keep coming back!
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Old 03-27-2007, 08:35 PM
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Tis a far, far greater thing we do when we watch their actions and ignore their words....
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Old 03-27-2007, 08:52 PM
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Originally Posted by ohiolostsoul View Post
I can't tell you how many times I have askedmy AH to seek help for his alcoholism. I moved out of the house 3 weeks ago tonight. I have been staying with family. Yesterday, I told him that i put a deposit down on an apartment. Now, today, he tells me that he called a counselor that his brother gave him the number for 3 weeks ago. Because of the amount that he drinks, he was of course told that he needs to do an inpatient treatment. In conversation tonight, he told me that he just doesn't know if he will be able to do it at this time because of me not being at home and him being responsible for all of the bills at the house. I know that if I was to go back tomorrow, that he would probably not follow through with any of this, but I still feel like maybe I should give him one more try. I hate this!
Of course you hate it. You're married to a guy just like me. Oh, just like I used to be. Ohio, take it from an alcoholic who's done everything i could possibly do to manipulate his wife, family and friends. That was 20+ years ago. Fortunately God bless me with recovery.

I will play on your good nature, your feelings of commitment, your need for love and comfort. I am your worst enemy. I say I can't make it without you so you'll come back and take care of me. Maybe if you'll just have sex with me one more time I'll quit. I'm sure if you were just here we could work things out. I've never grown up so I'm scared I'll have to do things for myself. like pay bills, clean the toilet, wash the dishes, etc.

I know your AH. He's every loving, caring, undertanding wife's worst nightmare.

Ohio...you are a wonderful wife and a wonderful woman. You have a future that doesn't include being abused, manipulated, and run over by a freight train. Your AH will suck every bit of life out of you that you have left.

That my dear, is from an alcoholic who know's his own kind. If you want more information about how his mind works, just ask. My recovery still depends on me helping others. I can't think of a better way for me to do that than to offer you my friendship.

Each and every one of you are/were the wounded lambs being stalked by a lion. If I could do one thing, it would be to let you know that there's is life after the nightmare. Please take that first step of faith in God. Walk through that fear and self doubt. If you do, you will know a new freedom and a new happiness.

Your friend in sobriety,
Ed
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Old 03-27-2007, 10:11 PM
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Golfman, Thank you for coming by, I feel we need to hear from those of you that know, that have BTDT and speak the truth. So glad you made it.

We want them all well. lv ya and Thanks again
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Old 03-27-2007, 10:39 PM
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only you know whats best for your situation--if you are positive this is all a big ploy of his---go get that apartment--he will survive--oh and don't give him the new address if you are smart
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Old 03-28-2007, 03:47 AM
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Golfman, thank you for the post. Your wisdom is much appreciated.
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Old 03-28-2007, 03:58 AM
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Guilt is a self created emotion, and a powerful one, one that can stop us in our tracks.

Only thing I can say is that in order for someone to embrace recovery, they must want it more than anything in life, for them, not anyone else. And, they must seek it themselves. No one can do it for them.

Golfman said it best.

Hugs,
Dolly
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Old 03-28-2007, 04:10 AM
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Yes, I have heard the whining about not being able to pay the bills, yet there was always money for beer. When I first left in Oct., he seemed more concerned about the bills than me being gone.

They will say what they know we want to hear. Be good to yourself, and don't let the guilt rule.....
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Old 03-28-2007, 08:55 AM
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Amen!

Me, too. Being pretty new to this, I am struggling with the whole, "I need your help" business, too. Getting stronger every day, though!
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Old 03-28-2007, 09:30 AM
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i always confuse my emotions. sometimes i call it anger or guilt. but when it comes down to it, 99% of the time - it is fear. blessings, k
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Old 03-29-2007, 01:02 PM
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Life is so ironic sometimes...

If you were there, he would say he drinks because of you....now that you are gone he is saying he can't stop drinking because you're not there.....

Golfman: Could you take my husband to dinner and repeat everything you said above? Seriously though, what happened to make you realize all of the above? I think that's why so many of us hang on forever, because one like you turns out okay. It's like a lottery though, just waiting for my number to be drawn. Probably never gonna happen....
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Old 03-29-2007, 04:32 PM
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Originally Posted by HolyQow View Post
If you were there, he would say he drinks because of you....now that you are gone he is saying he can't stop drinking because you're not there.......
So true. But aren't you happy that you can see this now? It is a good thing, because if nothing changes then nothing changes.

Stay strong!
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Old 03-29-2007, 05:24 PM
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golfman - well said.....well said..

The one thing that my XAH did that was different was that instead of whining about not having money to pay bills....he picked up a hooch and moved in with her all the while saying : Jan....I never cheated on you ...I never cheated on you....and today they are married (4 days after the divorce was final) ...so believe me they can be very resourceful when they want to be.

Remember - Nuthin changes if nuthin changes....
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Old 03-29-2007, 05:31 PM
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And when you're done with HolyQow's husband Golfman, can you come on over and read mine the riot act. What exactly was your "moment" of clarity and how in the heck did your wife survive in the meantime?!?
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