Sunflower

Looking for some opinions re:friends...
Seems I have lost most of them between my being ill-which ended my career and my work friends---and my AS and all these troubles--I find myself alone.
Wondering-because 2 of them were friends I had since the first grade--we went through everything in life together!

We were more like Sisters than friends. Both friendships dissolved from issue with my AS.Both my friends tried their best to help him-getting him jobs-even moving him to california-where one lives...he blew it all of course-and he so regrets it now. He has written to both an apologised for his behavior and taken full responcibility. I have written and called them both--with no reply.

God knows what I was saying to them or doing in the midst of all this BS with my AS and then I was a HUGE enabler...I honestly can't think of what I could have done to lose these friendships because I know no matter what they could have ever done to Me wouldnt have even mattered--but that is me.

Evrything I am telling you here I have told them. Was it that after 45 years-these were not real friends?I find that hard to believe.
I havent heard from them in 2 years now--breaks my heart...

chero

Oh Sun, That's terrible. I have a girlfriend that I've had since we were four years old and she can't stand my AH. So, we see each other maybe once a year. She has all but cut me out of her life. It's so sad because I can relate to what you said about not doing that to someone you care about.

I just try and remember I'm only responsible for me. And there are people out there who love me. Some I've met and some I'm still waiting to meet.

You have great friends-in-waiting out there! The real kind that you can't run off! The kind who love you no matter what! Who laugh at your jokes when they aren't funny! Who cry when your sad! Pick you up when you fall down! Carry you when you can't walk!

I hope you find those friends, soon! In the meantime....we are all here for you!!!

LaTeeDa

I try to remember that when people go out of my life of their own choosing, it is their issue, not mine. I have no way to know what is going on with them. There could be troubles in their lives that prevent them from being present in mine right now. They could come back one day. You have done what you could, what feels right to you, the rest is up to them. That's the hard part about relationships with others. We are only half of the equation.

L

elizabeth1979

I agree with Lateeda.
Another thing I realized after seeing several friendships fade, is that I was not so good at picking healthy people to have in my life. Afterall, I picked my ex! I really began evaluating my friendships and found alot of them were unhealthy as well.
Im only still close to 1 friend whom I was close for before and during my relationship with my ex..not including people I met in the rooms of al-anon and in recovery of course, Ive met some good folks there

cmc

Sunnyflower,
I took some liberty with your new name...sorry 'bout that but it's just so cheery!
I've been in a similar situation regarding friends and have a few thoughts. The changes I am talking about happened about 10 years ago, so this 'newer improved recovery-me' has some very different ideas about what the word 'friend' means to me now.

First off, I don't have some of the same expectations from people and try to just enjoy who they are- as they are. That said, I also have some very clear boundaries that I never used (much) before- especially with my pre-recovery friendships.

Some of 'our' old friends may not fit well or adapt to the changes that recovery brings into our lives. A true friend will accept and appreciate the positive changes imo.

Another issue is that I had often confused the fact that some people in my life were actually not as close to me as I perceived and the friendships were shallow. I can't ignore the fact that the great majority of my 'friends' were broken people who were drawn to me in a very one sided relationship. I didn't know any better to ask for more...and was happily detached so things worked out well until _I_ was in great need and didn't have the support I had once offered several of them. Typical codie.

I know how that feels and I look at these 'friends' of mine and perhaps yours too as people who were once in my life, and be glad for what was. I have had quite a few resentments that I had to deal with about this. Most people are just doing the best they can and I try to leave it at that.

I just don't think I can place the burden of my 'friendship needs' on one person...or even a few people. One friend is warmer and more understanding, the other may be more direct and yet another just makes me laugh. I married my best friend and he has most all the qualities that I admire in a friend...but even in that closest of bonds, I don't expect him to fulfill all my friendship needs.

I have some great friends from many many years ago who I still keep in touch with but not as often and not as intimately. With a few of them, we just pick up where we left off and know that while we won't be in contact often we can enjoy when we are in touch. (no expectations)

One thing for sure is that a good friend is a gift from God.

Seeking Wisdom

I have noticed that a lot of people just don't understand the nature of addiction and can get very uncomfortable around those affected by it. I noticed when my husband was having so many serious problems ... his family at first showed some concern and then just disappeared from our family's lives. They never called to offer help or even just to ask how we were doing ... even knowing that many of problems were adversely affecting our kids. The kids and I didn't do anything to create the alcoholism but we were all avoided like we had the plague. It seemed very heartless and I never truly understood their indifference ... I just concluded that they felt there should be some easy magic answer for addiction and if the first attempt didn't work then it must be someone else's fault (mine?) - and it was just easier for them to walk away than deal with it. It all goes back to the lack of knowledge about the nature of addiction. Many people just feel if you just have a talk with the addict and tell them what they are doing is wrong ... they will immediately stop and turn their lives around - it is amazing how many people believe that.

With so many celebrities with addiction problems in the news, I have noticed the media blaming the families and friends surrounding them for not getting them help and allowing the problems to continue. This just shows you how little is known about the nature of addiction ... do they really think the people around them can just say.. "you must go to rehab and stop abusing alcohol or drugs" ... and the person will actually do it? Don't they realize you cannot force someone into rehab .. and if you confront an addict they will just respond with denial and hostility .. and continue doing exactly what they want to do. Unfortunately, too many times those around the alcoholic/addict unfairly become the focus of blame for the problem by those niave to the true nature of the disease. Instead of support .. you get abandoned.

hope2bhappy

I agree with this statement. Also... it could be that they just couldn't handle all the baggage you were carrying during your son's active addiction. This disease DOES affect our relationships with everyone else around us. Perhaps they "divorced" you. Whatever the reason, I think it would have been better if they had at least explained it to you.

FormerDoormat

"Don't they realize you cannot force someone into rehab .. and if you confront an addict they will just respond with denial and hostility .. and continue doing exactly what they want to do."

Nope, SeekingWisdom, the folks in the media don't realize that. After all, before we arrived here, we didn't realize it, either.

FormerDoormat

You know, Oh Sunny One, we didn't realize the burdeon we codies were placing on our friends and families. Every time they lent us an ear we gave them a earfull. We told them our lives were out of control. We told them we were miserable. They gave us sound advice like, "well, why don't you just leave your addicted partner?" and it fell on deaf ears again and again, and we just continued on in our misery.

To them the solution to our problem was simple. "Stop allowing folks to walk all over you," they would proclaim. Just as we codies thought the solution to our partner's addiction was simple. "Stop drinking and all your problems will vanish," we would proclaim.

And just as many of us decided that the only way out of this nightmare of a roller coaster ride was to end our relationship with our alcoholic loved ones, it seems apparent that several of your friends took the same path with you. You've contacted them in an attempt to make amends, now the ball is in their court.

Sorry you're hurting. You've already made at least one new friend. You have me.

Sunflower

I see some of you are having fun with my 'new name'' too funny!!!
The only thing I can say is this one friend in particular-my sister really--she knew about my AS--and really I didn't talk to her all that much about him...her and I could argue or have a difference of opinion and always sit down and work it out..we grew up neighbors!!! She sent me and my AS out to visit her in California for a month-very generous and kind-we enjoyed every minute.Then she thought maybe if my AS got away he would find a new life-gave him a job in her company and an apartment in the companies building--he worked for free as her husband was training him--it was for my AS agreat advantage-a once in a life time thing...I know that my AS must have done something wrong out there--she should just tell me what it was-not make me pay for it.

I feel as if I have lost my right arm loosing her...but she walked away--I just want or need an explanation...maybe you are right--just another casualty of the AS...still hurts.

Zoey

It is just part of life. I have 2 friends I am sure we are still old friends, but we just don't leep in touch. They do not return here. They are busy.
When I feel I will get busy and write them something always comes up.
Everyone busy with grandchildern too I bet.

Some only want to be in on things and are friendly so they can give advise etc. Once we learn about the disease, they feel they have lost their
power to control, so they are done. All kinds in this world.

Some if we mention Al-Anon just draw a blank. For whatever reason they no longer want to be around us. ?? If they can't be the expert they don't want to play.
People are who and what they are, we know we can not change anyone, so I just accept it.

You will make friends. Yes, I want to be your friend. LV YA

ICU

So many incredible responses!

Here's something else for you to consider.....

A Reason, A Season, or a Lifetime

People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do.

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on.

When people come into your life for a SEASON, it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person/people (anyway); and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.


Author Unknown

Grasshopper

Its really hearbreaking to lose friends.ive lost quit a few in my life.it was because i didnt follow the advise that they were giving me,and they just thew up their hands,and let me go.I have lots of friends today,and very few that i confide in.One gal and i have been friends since we were 2-3 years old!!!...smile.And she is very,very rare.She loves me unconditinally.Been through thick/thin with me and i her.Making no judgements on one another.Both of us allowing each to go through what we need to,.She never tires of hearing me.She listens----and i do too.She gives advise only when i ask what she thinks.And she allows me to not follow it...Rare,rare gal.
We teach folks how we want to be treated,by action.These 2 friends of yours have chose to let go,and let God,in your life.Acceptance ,what more can you do.Who knows,down the road,they may get in touch with you,and maybe they wont.No matter what,your worthy,.Soon you will have new friends.Change,is a constant,in life.Be it our friends,where we live,jobs etc,,etc.And sometimes i welcome change,and sometimes i go through issues,until i can accept change.
My prayers are with you,

denny57

Have you asked her? This might be a situation where she is not comfortable broaching a negative conversation about your son. It sounds like you were always able to talk; is it possible for you to start the conversation?

Good luck, I know how it hurts when the friends start falling away.

Loreena

Dear Sun, I just had to respond to your thread. I hear you about loosing friends and not to mention most AH'sfamily members including one of his sons that I miss dearly. People can't stand the drama that our lives are involved with and completely don't understand it. The only ones that truly understand it are US because we live and breathe it. That is why this forum and Alanon meetings are so important to us because folks we meet there really do understand us and wouldn't ditch us - no matter what. Often "normal folk" (whatever that is) feel so intensely uncomfortable around people that are having problems - forgetting that they have problems too. I feel for you so because I literally only had 1 friend left when I hit my bottom and started getting outside myself and reaching out, now it is better - much better.

hang in there, by you wanting friends, you'll get em, heck I'm a friend, I love Sunflowers and grow them every year because they are cheerful and remarkably resilient to the wind and rain.

hugs

duet_4-8

That is exactly what people think! Just as an example, there is a guy in my church (actually the teacher of my community group class) who has taken on AH as a project. He is trying to 'help' us. This guy has NO firsthand experience with addiction. His life, marriage, kids, etc are as squeaky clean as you can get. He was raised catholic and converted to southern baptist. Look out!!!!!!!

He has listened intently to all of AH's quacking and all of the twisted logic about his addiction being due to my many, many shortcomings as a wife. So I am told just last week that Mr. Clean is 'having a real problem with the 'D' word (divorce). He said he 'just thinks I'm wrong.' He 'can't help it'.

This guy is very sweet and good-hearted and has good intentions. (the road to you know where is paved with such) But he is clueless. He has not the first idea what I have been through for the last 25 years. But he says I am 'wrong' for filing for divorce. I should agree to go for counseling with AH (which is his new mantra-'I tried to get her to go to counseling with me but she just won't go').

Oh well. What he thinks about me is none of my business. And how I choose to live my life is none of his.

That said, I do have to say that one of the media stories does trouble me. I really think that Anna Nicole's 'friend' Howard had some ulterior motives (can anyone say $$$$$$?) in enabling her drug use. Anyone that would video a very pregnant, very stoned woman and comment on camera that 'this footage will be worth money' is a slug IMHO.

I never thought much about Anna Nicole one way or the other. I never watched her 'reality show' and only saw clips and sound bites on the news. But the more I hear, the more sympathy I have for her, even though she is ultimately the one who used the drugs. I can't imagine that she was even able to sit up and swallow pills on the last day with the mixture of benzos and sleeping pills that she had in her system. So sad for her little girl.....

Sunflower

some religious people mean well--but when you talk about fundamentalists--they only see black/white.I was raised a catholic-went to pentacostal etc...studied the bible for year--still I can never fit that mold--nor do I want to.....I once had someone tell me that homosexuality is wrong and if their child was one they would abandon them--and simular other big issues---with simular answers...To me the HP is all about Love--I told them all at the bible study---watch out God may bless you with a homosexual son or a pregnant teenage daughter--one never really knows what one will do until they have to walk in those shoes....then I became a Buddhists hahahahah.....still with catholic roots/traditions that are importatnt to me....we all find our way...