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talking to AH family

Old 03-26-2007, 05:27 PM
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talking to AH family

I know I can't talk to or control STBAH, but is it possible to talk to his family. Since he and I seperated 2 months ago, they have been doing nothing, but enabling him to lie and making excuses for him. He is using them, just as he did me. He is manipulating them and they feel "sorry" for him. I want to prevent them from the shock I got. They keep telling me that the love me, but loyalty is to him. I certainly understand. Just at what price? I love them dearly and want to help them understand that unless they let him fall on his face he will never get better.

Advice... Suggestions?
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Old 03-26-2007, 05:39 PM
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I tried to relate to my ex's family, and got nowhere. The odd thing, to me, is that he (my ex) never had a nice word to say about his family, he laid the blame on them and all they did was try and rescue him.

Don't know what's what now as I am out of the loop, and ex is in prison.

I wish I had some helpful input, but I am just as confused as you are.

Others will be here, they may have the answer.
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Old 03-26-2007, 05:41 PM
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I understand you're wanting to do that. You could try it, if you feel that's something you must do.

I still find it hard to know what the right thing is to say at times, or if I should say anything at all, because everyone is different, reacts differently, etc. While some might be willing to hear your thoughts and suggestions, others might feel put out by it...especially if they didn't ask for opinions in the first place.

It's a judgement call. I would only suggest that if you do it, keep your true motive in mind at all times. Saying it once and then letting the outcome go is one thing. Expecting results or for them to stop enabling is yet another.

Good luck in what ever you decide.
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Old 03-26-2007, 05:43 PM
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free2be - do you remember how you felt and how you acted back when you were with your STBAH? If someone would have come to you and talked to you - would you have really listened?

You can talk to his family if you want too - you can tell them the honest truth and try to get them to see the light. But don't hope too much that they "get it". They love their son and they haven't come to the point where they can pull their heads out of denial enough to see/admit that he has a problem. And until they are ready - they just aren't going to do it.

I'd say that it's really up to you if you want to talk to them - but I fear that you will get hurt. They may actually turn on you thinking that you are just slamming and lying about him. They will see the truth on their own - but only if they choose to open their eyes and see what's in front of them.

As with the A - we must all find our own reality - when we are ready.

(P.S. My XAH's parents are in denial as well. They enable my XAH too. Funny thing is that they have admitted in the past that XAH has a problem - but to this day - they are still doing the same old thing - enabling him. It's their choice.)
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Old 03-26-2007, 05:55 PM
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I know my sister-in-law gets it. She will not say or do anything about it though. My mother-in-law, I think is afraid he'll walk out on her. He has before. I just know he will hurt them its inevitable. I just wonder if they really believe him or if they see through him and are just kind of pacifying him for the time being. They(inlaws) are truly great people and I love them to death. I just find it hard to believe that they actually think what he is doing is right. If it is even worth it for me to get into it with them?
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Old 03-26-2007, 06:13 PM
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If you feel close enough to them, maybe......but I have found with my in-laws that no matter what AH is one of them and they are gonna side with him. I am just as confused as everyone else.
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Old 03-26-2007, 07:02 PM
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I'm sure you have their best interests at heart and don't want to see him manipulate and use them but he's already doing it, isn't he? They are allowing him to do it. JMO, but if I was dealing with my in-denial in-laws, I'd allow them to go through it and really experience it first-hand. I think that's the only way they will get it.

As far as him mom's concerned, she wants him around and his threat of walking out and not coming back is his trump card to keep her in line. Even if they were fully aware of what they're up against, what good would it do? He'll continue to drink regardless of what they know. They'll continue to act out their denial and codie behaviors until it gets too painful for them.

Love them and pray for them ... but perhaps it is better to do so at a distance.
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Old 03-26-2007, 09:22 PM
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Unfortunately, I think it wouldn't accomplish anything and you'd just be wasting your time and draining yourself emotionally and physically. Chances are they already know he has a drinking problem and that he's manipulative and they'll just end up resenting you.

Perhaps, deep down, you have a different motive. Perhaps you're not ready to let go of your partner yet and staying in touch with his family is a way to keep your foot in the door. Something to ponder.
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Old 03-26-2007, 09:36 PM
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Bad spot to be in---If you stay close to them you remain open for his crap...Maybe wait a while until things have settled down.
I know way back when I divorced--I did lose contact with all of my in laws forever--but getting rid of him made it all worth it.
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Old 03-26-2007, 10:48 PM
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Well, everything I wanted to say has been said. StandingStrong you covered it almost exactly (you usually are on the same page as me)

But, I do understand. It is a tough position to be in. My A's mom knows too. She agrees with me, she gets angry about him, but she doesn't change a thing, enable, enable, enable. Remember, blood is thicker than water, no matter how much they love you, they can turn on you. It can make you feel even worse and more frustrated than you do now. Just think about you. You couldn't change him and you can't change them, just you. B
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Old 03-26-2007, 11:37 PM
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I decided not to discuss it with any of my in-laws. I decided they just might get tired of it more quickly if it went the way it should. Me telling them, or trying to get them to see his manipulation, would just be me manipulating the situation to my desires, once again trying to get AH to "see the light."

Good luck with whatever you decide.
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Old 03-27-2007, 03:11 PM
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I agree with Denny.
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Old 03-27-2007, 03:43 PM
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H2H... Me too... I read that post last night and slept on it. I stepped back and looked at myself and my motives. I am trying to manipulate the situation to my desires. Will I ever learn? Will I ever stop rescuing him and everyone else from him? I just see the road he is on and it scares me.

My heart just breaks for my mother-in-law. She loves him so much. I think that she blames herself for what has happened to him. Her guilt, like mine, just adds fuel to the fire. She has been battleing cancer for 10 years now, she is sick and doesn't have the strength he requires, anymore. I just don't want her heart to break. He will break it. If he doesn't get well. She is a wonderful person, even though I don't agree with her right now. I can still love her and do it from a distance.
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Old 03-27-2007, 04:10 PM
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My father in law said to me right after I confirmed that my XAH was cheating and left home to live with his OW that now was NOT the time for him to stop drinking......looking back on it now I have to just shake my head....my inlaws also told me that they love the kids and I its just that their loyalty was with their son no matter what he does in life.....

Ahhhhh - the chaos....
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Old 03-27-2007, 04:36 PM
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Wow Janet, What a terrible and hurtful thing for your father-in-law to say to you. Did your inlaws keep up a relationship with the kids? I am afraid that their relationship with in-laws will suffer.
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Old 03-27-2007, 06:03 PM
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Amazing what us parents will do to enable our children isn't it?
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Old 03-27-2007, 07:20 PM
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Sounds like my situation...

Free2be,

My situation to very similar your yours. I am married to an AW (I think this is Alcoh. wife) this is my first post. Her family has bought into the idea that I am to blame for her addiction. She has blamed me and now has asked me to leave. Amazing that she can ask this when I have supported her with her DUI, 2 days in jail for a breathalizer failure and now just 2 weeks out of Rehab. I thought they taught accountability there?

It seems a shame to end 20 years together and our 3 kids. She seems to have found new freinds at rehab and does not need me or want to have a target for blame. My frustration is that this is new to me and I have never had an addiction problem. I drink a few beers a week at most. I dont even do that now around my wife.

Sorry for the ramble.....your post made sense to me as I am learning about this whole issue of addiction.

Thanks
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Old 03-27-2007, 07:53 PM
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I too found that in my situation, discussing it with then ex's family was only my angle (however unaware I was of this angle) of manipulating the outcome to go in a way I desired. I also was hurt many times by things I said and thought were' in confidence' and were said to 'help' my ex and were then repeared to him, making who the villian...you guessed it....me.

Utahman, welcome
Glad you decided to post!
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Old 03-27-2007, 07:54 PM
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Hey there Free ....no the kids want nothing to do with their grandparents or my XAH...and just for the record my ex father in law is a recovered alcoholic turned minister...... in fact he told me that maybe I should have drank with him.!!!! Nice huh? And my ex mother in law was a social worker..... who worked with abused families....go figure..

Welcome Utahman.....I'm sorry that you are going through such pain tonight I remember when my parents went through their divorce...my mother was the alcoholic in our family and my parents were married for 32 years and had 6 kids....she divorced my father and he was so very very hurt and passed away 4 years after it was final.... He loved my mother soooo very much and after he died my mother admitted that divorcing him was the biggest mistake of her life and that he truly was the love of her life.....she died alone and at the age of 73 a year ago. She blamed him for everything too hun....and I mean everything....the man never had a chance. But you know what? He still after all that she put him through would never never let one of his 6 kids say anything unkind about her...even after she accused my father of having an affair with ME...he truly loved her to the day he died and never ever did either one of them date anyone else again.

Rehab doesn't do a thing for the spouses of alcoholics....they are there only for the alcoholic. And alot of affairs happen in those rooms too. Not to scare you or anything its just a fact. They call that the 13th step. I wouldnt leave your home for anything or anyone. You have just as much right to be there as she does. JMHO. Take care

Janit
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