new to SR , not sure how to start ....
Let Go Let God
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: jersey shore
Posts: 437
new to SR , not sure how to start ....
hi everyone . i have been reading alot of threads and posts and already feel right at home , i even responded to a couple ! still not sure i am following the right steps to beginning my journey here . i am the wife of an alcoholic/addict and feel that i have read my own story already many times just with different names .
My husband was released from his 3rd rehab in August and while I thought he was clean all this time he actually admitted in counseling a couple of weeks ago that he did relapse a couple of times but jumped right back on the wagon ... for this, he acts as though I should throw him a parade , like we should all be dancing in the streets that hes soooo great of an alcoholic/addict he proved it by jumping back on the wagon immediately . In the meantime what I actually want to do doesnt even come close to this !
Do they ever lose the chip on their shoulder and stop acting like victims ??? Will he ever take responsibility for his own actions and welcome the consequences ???
Thank you for reading and for all of the great posts Ive been scanning through , hope to hear from a few of you !
My husband was released from his 3rd rehab in August and while I thought he was clean all this time he actually admitted in counseling a couple of weeks ago that he did relapse a couple of times but jumped right back on the wagon ... for this, he acts as though I should throw him a parade , like we should all be dancing in the streets that hes soooo great of an alcoholic/addict he proved it by jumping back on the wagon immediately . In the meantime what I actually want to do doesnt even come close to this !
Do they ever lose the chip on their shoulder and stop acting like victims ??? Will he ever take responsibility for his own actions and welcome the consequences ???
Thank you for reading and for all of the great posts Ive been scanning through , hope to hear from a few of you !
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,358
Welcome to SR LGLG07. Nice to meet someone from 'down the shore'!
Wish I had the answers to those questions, but obviously I don't. But I certainly do understand your frustration. Relapse is very common...lots of threads discuss that here too.
At this point, I suggest reading through some more threads here and the stickies at the top of the forum too.
I'm not sure if I missed it or not, but do you attend Alanon? Might be something to look into. Many people here swear by it!
Again, welcome to SR. Others will be along shortly! Keep coming back!!
Originally Posted by LGLG07 
Do they ever lose the chip on their shoulder and stop acting like victims ??? Will he ever take responsibility for his own actions and welcome the consequences ???
At this point, I suggest reading through some more threads here and the stickies at the top of the forum too.
I'm not sure if I missed it or not, but do you attend Alanon? Might be something to look into. Many people here swear by it!
Again, welcome to SR. Others will be along shortly! Keep coming back!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 792
hi LGLG, i just wanted to welcome you as well!
i'm not sure if your husband will continue to act like a victim, as everyone is different. but relapse is very common... i suggest reading as much as you can about the disease
and again, welcome!
i'm not sure if your husband will continue to act like a victim, as everyone is different. but relapse is very common... i suggest reading as much as you can about the disease
and again, welcome!
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Welcome,
I wish I had the answers, if I did I'd write a manual and be rich...
All I can add is that my ex-abf never lost the chip on his shoulder and was always a victim...he was never responsible for his actions, it was always someone's elses fault that he used.
I had to laugh about the "parade" brought back memories, I felt the same way, woohoo, lets throw him a party, he's one week clean! Then he blew out the candles and hopped back on the addiction train...same old, over and over again.
I truly hope he finds his way and can keep moving forward in his recovery.
Keep posting, lots of wonderful people here.
I wish I had the answers, if I did I'd write a manual and be rich...
All I can add is that my ex-abf never lost the chip on his shoulder and was always a victim...he was never responsible for his actions, it was always someone's elses fault that he used.
I had to laugh about the "parade" brought back memories, I felt the same way, woohoo, lets throw him a party, he's one week clean! Then he blew out the candles and hopped back on the addiction train...same old, over and over again.
I truly hope he finds his way and can keep moving forward in his recovery.
Keep posting, lots of wonderful people here.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
I would like to say that I believe that the chip can be tossed - but only when one works a program and finds "true" sobriety. By true sobriety, I mean that they do the work and not become a dry drunk.
Welcome to SR LGLG - there are alot of informative posts up in the "Stickies" at the top of the forum. I hope you read them and I hope you stick around and share your journey with all of us.
Welcome to SR LGLG - there are alot of informative posts up in the "Stickies" at the top of the forum. I hope you read them and I hope you stick around and share your journey with all of us.
Let Go Let God
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: jersey shore
Posts: 437
wow . I cant believe how quickly I received responses , thank you all
so much for your kind words . I feel as though I have definitely found a home here and can already tell that there is no judging , just sharing which gives you the confidence to keep posting and reaching out .
glad you got a chuckle out of the parade comment . I do like to keep some humor in my life because like the rest of you its mostly filled with craziness! but I am not a victim , I know I have a choice and can leave , with 4 kids it would be hard but I wouldnt stop breathing if I packed them up and we walked out the door , that much I know!
I did attend one al-anon meeting once which is shameful . I should find at
least a weekly meeting to go to . It is hard with the kids and I work a part time job as well . no excuses , just reasons !
Thank you all again and please keep responding , I will keep reading !
xoxo
so much for your kind words . I feel as though I have definitely found a home here and can already tell that there is no judging , just sharing which gives you the confidence to keep posting and reaching out .
glad you got a chuckle out of the parade comment . I do like to keep some humor in my life because like the rest of you its mostly filled with craziness! but I am not a victim , I know I have a choice and can leave , with 4 kids it would be hard but I wouldnt stop breathing if I packed them up and we walked out the door , that much I know!
I did attend one al-anon meeting once which is shameful . I should find at
least a weekly meeting to go to . It is hard with the kids and I work a part time job as well . no excuses , just reasons !
Thank you all again and please keep responding , I will keep reading !
xoxo
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: state of confusion
Posts: 351
Welcome LGLG07 You have asked some difficult questions - a dry drunk has different definitions but it usually means that they are thinking and acting when sober, like they do when they drink- sometimes called "stinking thinking" ... and ah stands for alcoholic husband.
I learned once I started visiting this forum, unfortunately relapse is common. However there are those that stay sober and go on to lead productive and meaningful lives .. and give back to those they have hurt. In my own life, my father after a crisis managed to greatly improve with occasional short relapses a couple of times a year ... and had wonderful health into his early 80's. He was basically a kind and thoughtful person that felt remorse without anyone having to beat him over the head with it. When he was thinking about drinking, he would tend to get moody and irritable ... but for the most part he was a pretty decent guy that enhanced other lives and was well liked - and ended up taking being a loving care taker to my mom when she became ill. However for the 35 years of my father's "mostly" sober life, my mother was always nervously waiting for the next binge ... worried that their whole lives would fall apart at any moment.
My A husband had a completely different personality and drinking pattern. He drank everyday for decades and then spent most of his drinking years lying and trying to convince me he really wasn't drinking that much, then he tried to convince me he wasn't drinking at all (he was then drinking mouthwash) and finally got sober for 2 years with AA but continually struggled not to be angry or defensive-he would have good days and bad. When he finally relapsed, he of course tried to convince me for months it was all my imagination. But the give away to his hidden drinking was he became such an angry and hateful person .. more than he had ever before - and he always had trouble conveying remorse. He never really lost the chip on his shoulder and he eventually lost his battle and his life to alcohol and died 20 years before his time.
2 alcoholics, 2 different outcomes, 2 different types of personalities ... and both were in my immediate family. So you can imagine how difficult it is to predict what the outcome will be. Just keep reading and learning...it will help you understand what you are facing.
I learned once I started visiting this forum, unfortunately relapse is common. However there are those that stay sober and go on to lead productive and meaningful lives .. and give back to those they have hurt. In my own life, my father after a crisis managed to greatly improve with occasional short relapses a couple of times a year ... and had wonderful health into his early 80's. He was basically a kind and thoughtful person that felt remorse without anyone having to beat him over the head with it. When he was thinking about drinking, he would tend to get moody and irritable ... but for the most part he was a pretty decent guy that enhanced other lives and was well liked - and ended up taking being a loving care taker to my mom when she became ill. However for the 35 years of my father's "mostly" sober life, my mother was always nervously waiting for the next binge ... worried that their whole lives would fall apart at any moment.
My A husband had a completely different personality and drinking pattern. He drank everyday for decades and then spent most of his drinking years lying and trying to convince me he really wasn't drinking that much, then he tried to convince me he wasn't drinking at all (he was then drinking mouthwash) and finally got sober for 2 years with AA but continually struggled not to be angry or defensive-he would have good days and bad. When he finally relapsed, he of course tried to convince me for months it was all my imagination. But the give away to his hidden drinking was he became such an angry and hateful person .. more than he had ever before - and he always had trouble conveying remorse. He never really lost the chip on his shoulder and he eventually lost his battle and his life to alcohol and died 20 years before his time.
2 alcoholics, 2 different outcomes, 2 different types of personalities ... and both were in my immediate family. So you can imagine how difficult it is to predict what the outcome will be. Just keep reading and learning...it will help you understand what you are facing.
full of hope
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 1,170
Welcome LG!
I don't know what to say about the chip, but I did want to encourage you to take some time and read the stickies posted at the top of the page. There is a lot of great info in there, including a page of terms to explain "dry drunk". It's so funny, cause that was one of my first questions, too! But I can't do the explanation justice!
Just wanted to say welcome! Look forward to getting to know you more!
~Cheryl
I don't know what to say about the chip, but I did want to encourage you to take some time and read the stickies posted at the top of the page. There is a lot of great info in there, including a page of terms to explain "dry drunk". It's so funny, cause that was one of my first questions, too! But I can't do the explanation justice!
Just wanted to say welcome! Look forward to getting to know you more!
~Cheryl
Member
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: North America
Posts: 362
hello hello hello!
Welcome to SR!!!!!
You have found a world of information and wonderful people here. Just start by doing some reading around here....read the stickys at the tops of the forum pages. Come here whenever anytime day or night, someone is always around with the light on!
Welcome!
Welcome to SR!!!!!
You have found a world of information and wonderful people here. Just start by doing some reading around here....read the stickys at the tops of the forum pages. Come here whenever anytime day or night, someone is always around with the light on!
Welcome!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Dixie
Posts: 612
Welcome, LG. I know how frustrated you must be, but I will tell you how I see it, based only on the details you have given us. Your AH has slipped 3 times, and 3 times has started over with his recovery. I see someone who wants to get clean. I also see it as positive that he jumps back on the wagon immediately. In my opinion, finally accepting rehab is a huge step. Staying clean is a battle they will fight for the rest of their lives. I wish both of you luck.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Pasadena,Ca
Posts: 147
I agree with hope2bhappy. While he may not deserve a parade for getting back on the wagon, at least he did. There are so many stories of relapse and so many different endings.
Think of it this way...While you may not be happy that he relapsed, and even more unhappy that he kept it a secret, what would you have him do about it?
The options are "get back on the wagon" or keep drinking. Relapse stinks but the only healthy option is to try again. So far it sounds like he is trying.
Recovery is a lifelong process.
Welcome!
-K
Think of it this way...While you may not be happy that he relapsed, and even more unhappy that he kept it a secret, what would you have him do about it?
The options are "get back on the wagon" or keep drinking. Relapse stinks but the only healthy option is to try again. So far it sounds like he is trying.
Recovery is a lifelong process.
Welcome!
-K
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Illinois
Posts: 44
The parade comment made me laugh. As an addict myself that what I thought should be done after only a week of clean time. I forgot about the 10 years of addiction I put my H through. I learned a lot and still have a lot to learn. We want you to forget about all the hell of the past. I laugh at myself for all of the things I thought I deserved instantly. I have finally stopped seeing and believing I am the victim. I have finally taken accountibility for all of the damage I have caused in relationship. I wish you all of the good things in life. Glad you found us!!
Let Go Let God
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: jersey shore
Posts: 437
Thank you so much everyone! Its been a busy day today and signing on now
and seeing all your well wishes was truly comforting!
hope2bhappy & socalgal - you are so right .. I know there are times when I should feel happier and realize that things can be much worse . the fact that
he doesnt go more than one episode when he relapses surely is a good sign. (But I still get angry!! Cant help it!) LOL.
mistt - first of all , congrats on your sobriety ! from everything that my ah has put me through , and when people would tell me how they dont know how I put up with it , I always tell them - I would rather be me than him .
Thank you for your kind words and for welcoming me . One day at a time.
I look forward to getting to know you all and sharing more of my story with
you . I feel home!
xoxo
and seeing all your well wishes was truly comforting!
hope2bhappy & socalgal - you are so right .. I know there are times when I should feel happier and realize that things can be much worse . the fact that
he doesnt go more than one episode when he relapses surely is a good sign. (But I still get angry!! Cant help it!) LOL.
mistt - first of all , congrats on your sobriety ! from everything that my ah has put me through , and when people would tell me how they dont know how I put up with it , I always tell them - I would rather be me than him .
Thank you for your kind words and for welcoming me . One day at a time.
I look forward to getting to know you all and sharing more of my story with
you . I feel home!
xoxo
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