Heavenlyx3

Well, we had 3 sober months. I made him move out. Got papers drawn up and signed. We saw each other most every day during this time. Always the hope of getting back together. We had even found a house on 10 achers we adored. Yesterday he began drinking again and the anger just spewed out of him. He is even mean as a viper the morning after. Why? I feel so hurt and disapointed. I keep wondering where that man that went to 2 AA meetings a day and happily drank his coffee non stop is. I miss him. I swear I had gotten so strong BEFORE he left. I opened my heart again and he's broken it. I want him to fix this. I mean I want him to FIX this but he's so angry. DO I just give up? Cry all the tears again and give it up. He won't even admit he drank yesterday and the day before. If he wasnt drinking then he suddenly went insane??? yea. What is SO hard about just saying I slipped off and climbing back on . I told him, stop now so this can be fixed! He still won't admit it. WHY! I swear my heart just feels ripped apart.

ICU

My ex would lie about his drinking career being resumed again. I mean, the stench of my home when I walked in the front door could have woken the dead. But, noooooo, he didn't drink anything.

Why do they lie about it? I say, why not? It used to work for them before (or so they thought), so why not now? Nothing's changed!

Yes, it is heartbreaking and it does hurt. But if he won't admit it, won't fix it, where does that leave you?

You said you got so strong once. Well, if you did it once, do you think you could do it again? 'You' do have choices....it's up to you to determine what is best for you and to move in that direction.

But in the meantime, it's ok to vent here too. Sometimes when we vent, it prepares us to make decisions and move onto the next level.

Heavenlyx3

I feel like such a fool. I honestly don't think I've ever felt this low. I'm trying to make sense of what makes no sense. I need to pull out all my old books. Re-read every one of them. I do believe he wants a sober life, he was so happy or it seemed. Whats real? What isnt? I just want to pull a cover over my head.

ICU

Nothing you can do about that, right? It's all up to him.

So, what do you want? (Yes, I mean besides him being sober LOL! We have all wanted that too.) Let's see...maybe one of your answers might be "I want to start feeling happy again"! And if that was one of your answers.....how would go about begining to feel happy again?


Yup, I understand those feelings too. Looking back, my lowest points came right before I started to see a little glimmer of lite, right before I started doing things 'differently' than I had. I began to see results...things going in the right direction....

But all of this had no effect on my ex....it was all for me...hence the point of my post!

lilac

(((Hugs)))

I don't think we "give up" on THEM, we just come to a point where we start taking care of OURSELVES.

newenglandgirl

You know Heavenly, it might be, in a way, easier for you to move on now...you gave him the opportunity to prove his commitment to sobriety and recovery, and he did not take it seriously - he blew it. He might say he wants a sober life (yadda yadda yadda) but his actions are not reflecting this.

Why do we give these people so many chances? They have disrespected us so many times. Put us through hell so many times. We just keep coming back for more. When do we say "no more" and walk away?

Being involved in any way with an addict really is a big mind f*ck.

I don't think walking away is "giving up". Listen, we've gone through hell with these guys. How much are we supposed to take before enough's enough?

I think I'm getting stronger the longer I stay gone. But it's not easy. But the alternative is to particpate once again in the maddness.

kermit

I don't have anything to add I just want you to know I'm thinking of you. ((((HUGGS))))

Heavenlyx3

Well, financially I have protected myself and the children. I had even gotten rid of the knot in my tummy. I let him back into my heart (not my home yet) and all it took was a day and bam. How much difference a day makes. He came over this morning and finally told me what I already knew. He had fallen off the wagon. He apologised to each child. So emotionally that leaves me back at sq. 1 to work my way back up. I have a better time dealing with honesty than a lie. I can't deal with the lies. They hurt more than all of it combined for me.

I just feel shell shocked. My head and eyes feel like a warzone from crying/worrying.way to much thinking going on up there. It's like a little war going on in my head. My body physically aches from the emotional pain of watching someone I love so dearly flush themselves down the token toilet.

I sound like a broken record. I have no (both parents died from smoking and alcohol)family. Extended family from my parents is non existant. His (that had been so supportive of myself and the kids) are all about him now. His dad had yelled intervention a million times over the past year. The day, 3 months ago, I called him and said it was time he said he couldnt do it and told me I would need to kick him out. So I did. Left holding the bag of SH*T once again. Now I am the bad guy in all this. So, It's God,me and my 3 children. I talk to God. He is the only ear close to me.

I really do think I need the blanket over the head today. My little one has a play date. My son is going to hang out with a friend and my daughter is going to work. Perfect day to just blah out.

Thank you all for being here. Ya'll are my only human ears I have.

lilac

You are never alone here!!!!

It sounds like with God, yourself, and your kids in your corner you really got it good, sooo put that bag of SH*T down, and cover up with that blanket if you want. I have found that those "blanket days" are in fact very therapeutic.

Mr. Christian

Your post seems to be the repeat of a lot of other ones lately here.
You thought the world would be better since they stopped for a short time.

Well it does not work that way.
I’m sure your have read the others on here and see how they all have a common thread.
The next move is up to you.
In your heart and mind you know the right thing to do.
You just need to make that step and take care of yourself.