KatyKate

I've read a lot here and posted a couple of times, my story is similar to most . . . my ah of 18 years is pulling myself and my 3 children down with him in his death spiral and I'm struggling desperately to find the strength and courage to do the right thing.

By some miracle, he went into rehab in late January for 38 days. He was supposed to be there for 45 days, but he talked them into letting him go early. He is a physician, and we sought out a program that worked specifically with physicians. It was 300 miles from home. It was very difficult getting him the time off from work, his 2 other partners had to cover for him in his very busy partnership. (They haven't been very supportive or understanding, which has been a major road block in his recovery). He was the poster rehab patient - told all the counselors (and me) what we wanted to hear, and left prepared to face his new life of sobriety with enthusiasm. We were thrilled to have him back and to have a shot at a normal existance.

That normal existance lasted only 6 days. He didn't follow through with his aa commitment, only occasionally calls his sponsor, and is once again lying about everything. I am still in disbelief that this could've happenned, especially since such happiness was dangled in front of me and my children, even if only for a short time. I can't even fathom what posessed him to pick up that first drink again, after all the therapy and the money we spent to get him sober. Did he forget all the phone calls he made to home when he was in detox, how awful it was, to come pick him up? All the apologies for putting me through such hell, all the promises of "never again"? How quickly all that vaporized.

I can no longer stand to be swallowed up by this immense pain. It is killing me to see the hurt he causing our kids. It seems to hurt worse now, since going to rehab failed - that was always our ultimate goal to get him there. I thought that would be it. I want to leave so badly and know I need to for the sake of my kids and myself - - but at one of the family counseling sessions while he was in rehab, they talked to us about detatchment. I got that. What I didn't get, was how to detatch without abandoning?

He's thrown out all the suicide threats, that manipulation and guilt thing they do - - should I walk away knowing that he might kill himself? I don't want my kids to go through such a devastating circumstance. I know I can't control or cure this, I wake up everyday thinking this might be the day he gets sober. His job is dangling by a thread, one more screw up (which is probably inevitable tomorrow) and that will be gone. Our financial situation is a mess, if he loses his job, we will have to sell our home and uproot our children from their good schools and a life they love (minus all this turmoil). I keep listening to his shallow promises of "fixing" all of this, hoping to avert the oncoming disaster. I suppose I too am in denial.

The decision I'm struggling with is - do I walk away and abandon this father of my children, and watch him destroy himself? Do I take my kids out of their home and their comfortable environment? If I throw him out and change the locks, what will happen? Do I get a protective order? I'm terrified of the fall-out of all of that, but know it can't be much worse that what we're enduring now. I know there's nothing I can do to help him, I've been enabling him far too long. I know my children and I don't deserve this. My primary goal through all of this has been to protect my kids - I see now that staying in this mess is only hurting them more. I can't get through one more day. I know in my heart what I must do, I just thought it would help venting here, hoping for a few words of encouragement . . .

ICU

Hi there Katykate! Welcome to SR!

I understand your frustration and concerns.

If you read through some of the other threads here, you will see that relapse when recently released from rehab is unfortunately, a pretty common thing. Many people here, like you, had hopes and dreams crushed once the A resumed their drinking career.

My ex didn't go to rehab during our time together, but he did have 4 months of sobriety while attending AA, daily for the first 3 months. Then I remember coming home one day and seeing that first bottle planted on the coffee table, and him passed out on the couch. The intense feelings of anger, fear, and disappointment grew deep inside of me. I wasn't sure who or what I was more angry with...him or the bottle (as if the bottle had any choices, LOL)!

I'm no expert, but it sounds like your H just wasn't ready or serious about his recovery yet. Was it his idea to go?

Have you tried Alanon yet? It might be a good idea before you make any life altering decisions. How old are your kids? Alateen might be a good option for them as well.

Keep reading here, and please look at the stickies towards the top of the forum...lots of good stuff there. And please keep coming back. Sometimes venting and reading about other people's situations, and how they got through it helps us to make decisions about our own lives.

Again, welcome to SR!

Heavenlyx3

Welcome Katykate

I wish I had some wise words for you this morning but I am going through something similar. Three months sober and Friday he began drinking again. I guess what I can say is you are not alone in this insanity. I don't think I will ever understand it.

I can tell you this is a wonderful community and that you will find so much support and help here.

I'm so sorry you are going through this =(

dollydo

He is not embracng recovery, and possibly never will. The ball is in your court. Where do you want to be 5 years from now, still on the same rollercoaster ride?

You can hop off anytime, this is a hard decision, one that only you can make.

Your children deserve better.

He will destroy himself whether you are there or not...it is his path to follow, his choice to make. You cannot save him, you can only save you and your children.

It's not so much the circumstance you are in, it's how you handle it.

My best,

Dolly

WhatAboutME

Welcome KatyKate!

I'm sorry you're going through this. I know your pain all too well. I am living in a very similar situation, except that my AH has finally lost his job and left me with a financial nightmare. He was sober for almost 3 wonderful months through AA and intensive outpatient therapy, and then one day in mid-January, I had to go out of town for a sales meeting and when I came back, he was passed out drunk on the couch. Since that time, he has gone down hill so very fast that it is frightening. We just spent almost $10,000 out-of-pocket for 2 weeks of inpatient rehab (his third time around) and he was drunk within 24 hours of being released. He checked himself back into another inpatient rehab (fourth time) last Wednesday and walked out on Friday morning. And so on, and so on, etc. This morning, I found him sleeping in our detached garage wrapped up in a moving blanket. Last year, he was a successful salesman who made a well-above average living (though he was still an alcoholic) and today I sincerely believe he should be forcefully committed to a dual diagnosis mental health / chemical dependancy treatment center. He is completely gone. The sad truth, he's just not ready to get sober, and he may never be ready. He's only 33 and I doubt he'll live to 34 at this rate.

Thankfully, I don't have kids with this man. But, you need to take care of yourself and your kids. I will echo going to Al-Anon. It does help to cope with the insanity of living with an alcoholic. And as far as feeling guilty for leaving (my AH also makes the suicide threats, etc.), I am struggling with the same difficult decision. You and your family are in my prayers.

Janitw

Katykate....oh hun.....my heart goes out to you and the kids..
My XAH never did want or seek out recovery - we asked him to go and he laughed at us and told us that a sober Wayne wouldnt love us any more than this drunk one.....it gets nasty sometimes...this statement that he made hurt my kids soooo badly and oh by the way he sprayed us with beer while saying it....he was deep into his addiction....he finally left us after 22 years and hooked up with a ho but all the years before that...hmmm when I look back on it today the best thing the guy did for us was to leave us alone. Its been one and a half years since he left and hasnt even tried to contact the kids or myself...which was vey painful for me and the kids are more than fine with it he embarrassed them so very much in front of their friends that they couldnt care less for him..I wish I could feel as good about it as they do...what I'm trying to tell you is that I was trapped by my husbands paycheck and my love for him....please dont stay because of lifestyle..in the end the kids will suffer more.....more of his verbal, phyical, and emotional abuse towards all of you - the people who love him the most.....it's so sad and painful.

Plan something.....something for you and the kids....put a plan in action and dont give in.....boundaries are all they live by...ultimatums...its called tough love for a reason...show him that he married one tough cookie - the way I look at it is this: If I cant have him love me more than the booze then I will force him to respect me...give me respect if nothing else.

Take care sweetie and keep coming back here..((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))

Janit

lilac

Welcome to SR !!!! Al-anon is a good idea.....it has helped sooo many people. (myself included). It made me realize that I was not alone in this. Also, I don't know how old your kids are, but al-teen maybe for them?

I am sorry that you and your kids are going through this.

You don't have to make a drastic decision today. You will make the decision (whatever it may be ) when you are ready. Just take it day by day, sounds corny I know , but that is all we can do.

Know that you are never alone here.

Much love to you.

faith123

Please read the post entitled, "Addictive Personality." It is so very helpful. It defines the part you are playing by helping him.

WantsOut

Hi Katykate- You asked ifyou should just leave him and watch him destroy himself. That's where this disease gets crazy. To help him, you have to stop helping him. To save him, you must not save him. You need to do what you need to do to take care of the kids and yourself.

It helped me to remember that my AH was/is a grown man. All over the world grown men take care of their families and don't drink themselves silly. What makes him so special? Nothing, that's what. And guys like yours and mine, sucessful ones with good educations and a life full of opportunities and advantages have the least excuse of all. They are selfish grown babies and it's time that they live with the total consequences of their actions.

Now I was thinking, as you might be, that this would just ruin everything. Of course he's going to lose the house, the practice, and die in the gutter. First of all, we don't know what's going to happen. Maybe you really leaving him will prompt him to change. Maybe losing the practice will save his life. Maybe he'll never stop. YOu can't know, you can't make it happen, and you can't make him want it.

I suggest you seriously look at what's best for you and the kids and do that. Let him take care of himself. He's got a big freakin problem and it's not yours - it's his.

newenglandgirl

Hey Katykate - You have so much on your plate, and you can drive yourself nuts trying to figure it all out...but all you can do is concentrate on getting yourself and children away from the active alcoholic in your life. Make a plan. And stick to it (not easy - but you have to lay down the law). Do you have a support system for YOU? Therapist? Family/friends who you can go to for support? Worrying about him and trying to figure him out is pointless. All you can do is worry about you and the kids. I know - easier said than done - we all grapple with this here. Trying to "solve" the puzzle of alcoholism is like trying to stare at the sun.

I hope you keep posting. We are here for you.
hugs,
NEG

KatyKate

You have all helped me more than you know. Such words of wisdom and experience were exactly what I needed to hear right now. You are lifesavers - thank you all so very much.

newenglandgirl

What you say, imho, is so right on Wantsout.

I was sure that if I left, that my AH would go down the drain pretty fast...but you know what? He's doing better than he's been in a long time.

I think that real crisis is often the swift kick in the pants that A's need. He's not the same man he used to be, but, then again, I'm not the same woman I used to be either.

Leaving him was so hard. Still is. But I think in the long run, it was the best thing for both of us...even though it will probably hurt like hell for a long time to come.

The promises they make to "fix" the problem are empty. If they could fix things, then they would have done it long ago.

Free At Last

WELCOME!
You will leave when you are ready. Your children are being affected. You are being damged. The hurt and pain can stop but only when you are ready. i found my problem to be that I had replaced the love with the pain. I did not know how to live without saving him. I had to find an answer and fast because he was not going to. Guess what? I only needed an answer not him. It took a million posts and a ton of tears to realize I had the control. Look on this site or ask a forum leader to find THe pain stops when. That is the title of the post, This post helped me find control again. I was able after unbeelievable efforts on part to walk away. Not only did I walk but NO CONTACT. I could not face it or him I only needed to face me. I realized all I was fighting for looking for an answer for was gone. NO CONTACT was very hard but it helped step outside the box so to speak and I realized What was I fighting for his abuse. I was fightinf with all my soul to save so much pain and heartache. TAKE CARE OF YOU. if you are waiting for him to wake up and do it. Pull up a chair. You are respnsible for you. Guess what that means he is responsible for him.. you are not causing the pain to the children or yourself. You have been affected because you now have to make decisions because if his actions. But if you do n ot you agree or co sign what his does. Do not be a victim Be a survivor and show your children how to be strong. Good luck. As a parent I have learned when faced with difficult decisions I am concerned am doing the right thing? I have seen that I am always fighting for my daughter and her happiness. You are in my prayers and god will walk you through extend your heart and your hand and know he has a plan for you. Trust in god let go and let god

Seeking Wisdom

Welcome Katykate
You have come to the right place ... there is a wealth of knowledge and understanding here.

I lost precious years trying to reason with someone incapable of thinking logically ... this addiction literally changes the entire way they think and behave .... and is more powerful than their desire to be a good spouse and parent- and it took me years to understand this. This forum gave me the knowledge I needed to understand how his strange behavior was part of this overwhelming addiction .. it was not a problem with me or his job or anything else - and I stopped wasting time trying to do the impossible and knew only he had the power to change. All I could do was protect my children and myself as best I could from letting this addiction destroy us as well.

Just like you, my biggest concern was the long term effects on our children. as my husband progressed continually downward and became less functional, more inept at work, created huge financial problems and kept our household in turmoil endlessly. I put my children's well being above my own. I was the child of an alcoholic and what I could remember more than the dad's strange behavior, was the trauma of having to uproot our family, leave our home and friends .. and move over and over. I remember how my mom bravely struggled to support us, work long hours to keep a roof over our heads and food on the table .. all by herself. Moving around all the time is traumatic for children ... I knew that from my own first hand experience ...and many studies have documented it. So I made a vow when my husband's addiction overwhelmed him .. to do whatever I could to keep my kids in their home, in schools and with friends they were familiar with. I couldn't make their dad stop drinking but I could try the best I could to give them stability elsewhere. I set a boundary that my husband could not live with us as long as he was drinking. He didn't like it and it was an enormous struggle ... but long term sobriety was the only consideration for him living with us. We lived apart and I had to work long, long hours under very stressful conditions to allow for separate residences, and when he was having a "good day", he could spend time with us for a few hours ... but if he was drinking, he was not welcome. I gave him hope that he needed by letting him know if he could achieve long term sobriety, he could rejoin his family. I also knew if we divorced he could have unsupervised custody of our children ... something that was unacceptable knowing he couldn't stay sober and would drive drunk.

My kids do not appear to have been overly traumatized my their father's addiction as they stayed in their home, kept their friends and schools. It was very hard on me to do the juggling act of supporting our family and while trying to maintain a compromised relationship with their father ... but after many years I believe it was the best choice for us considering the situation we were forced to cope with. The only better solution would have been if their dad could have gotten clean and sober ... but that was beyond my control.

Also... I just thought I would let you know ... I live just down the road ... in Colleyville.

Mr. Christian

Hello,


As I read your post and some of the responses I can not help but think that you distancing your self from him is the only option.

Alcoholism is not only progressive but also very unpredictable. I saw my wife go from a loving woman to happy drunk, to knife waving crazy lady.

Multiple DUI’s, jail time and a financial nightmare, which I am happy to say I am not a part of.
This man of yours is in fact a large sinking ship that has the ability to pull all of you down if YOU let him.
I’m sorry to be blunt but after working with many people in Alanon you see a lot.

Yes there will be short-term changes to your life and yes the lifestyle you have lead will be gone. But in the long run you and your children need to be secure, and healthy.

The monetary things in life and locations of where you live are meaningless.


Rehab is nothing without changing what he does. A physician who knows how to work the system is dangerous and he takes this into his practice? There are a lot more people then just your family that can be affected by this.

The red flags are waving and the signs are up, he has no desire to change.

TexasGirl

Hi Kate,
You said something about how the fall out couldn't be much worse than what you are already living in. You are probably right on with that statement. When I moved out, for probably two months it hurt so bad. The biggest difference between the pain you are in now and the pain you would be in if you did leave is that one could potentially go on forever and the other is something you can work through and move on from. Day by day by day, things began looking up for me. I started to create my life. My very own. And even more important, once I got out of the mess of his life, I was able to make some smart decisions. When you're in the midst of it, it's so hard to make a plan or see what the "right" thing to do is. Once I had my own place, I was able to make good decisions for me. Now, I am almost through the waiting period for my divorce, and I feel so good about what I've done. I am happy now. I really am. Yes, I heard the crying, the promising to change, the suicide threats, etc., but he never really changed. Nothing changed. Except that I moved on.
Best to you.

dollydo

Oh, I need to add one thing, your hubby is clinically trained, he knows what he is doing to himself...yet, he continues...that ought to tell you something. He is well educated, familar with the effects of alcoholism not only on him but others.

That popped into my little brain when I read your post, then poof, out it went.

I am old, is there a doctor in the house?

Zoey

Have you ever called the Police when he says he is going to end it?
Sometimes if it is just a threat for sympthy it will put a stop to him saying that. They think twice befor wanting the police to come get them.

If he means it, then we never know when or where.

Everyone replying covered all but this, so felt that should be mentioned.
Take what you can use and leave the rest.

Caring, understanding hugs KatyKate

justjo

I agree with Whatabout Me...

I went through my son at 17 with drugs and now my sister who is 39 with alcohol. I thought to myself, how much crap do I have to have dished out and why, why, why is this happening to me. Where did I go wrong. blamed myself. After years of thinking like this, it suddenly occured to me (i am letting this happen to me and it has to stop) I couldnt concentrate on my work, my life. It sucks you right in.

The truth is, they have to want to stop. Nothing on this planet is going to help them. We can be there for support by just letting them know we are around. At the end of the day they have to get so sick of being sick (who knows what and when that will be) They have to go back and look at how it all started, remind themselves how good they feel when they are sober and how bad they feel when they are not.
Plan their week, plan their life, plan their day. I tell my sister to talk to herself in a positive way.
Its like with ourselves, it you tell yourself you are going to have a bad day, YOU will. If you tell yourself you feel lowsy, you will. Its all in the mind and how do you change someones mind. Keep talking to them <positively:

duet_4-8

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Your life sounds so much like mine. I, too, have three kids and an addict husband. I spent 25 years with him, just filed for divorce about three weeks ago. Seeing the effect it had on my kids was the deal breaker for me.

All these years I thought I was doing the best thing for them by staying with their dad. I wasn't. (I didn't catch how old your kids are, mine are 24, 19, and 10.) Only in the last few months have they shared with me how they really felt during all the drama and chaos. They, like me, developed some incredible acting skills. I never knew how badly they were hurting. I am determined that their little brother will not go through it, too.

I can tell you that making their dad move out and listening to all the crying, begging, threatening, manipulation, guilt trips, and on and on has been difficult. He, too, says stuff about dying. But what I had to finally accept, even with the threat of him doing harm to himself, is that I can't do anything about it. If he could have gotten better with me, he would have. As it is now, I have become the ultimate excuse for using-what I did or didn't do, or said or didn't say. I finally got to the point where all I could say was, 'enough'.

I still have to deal with him, I always will because of the kids. But now I don't have to face him first thing in the morning and wonder all day long what chaos is in store for us. It feels better every day.

Do I worry about him? Sure! But I am taking care of the only people that I can, and that is me and the boys. He will just have to sink or swim on his own, and isn't that the way it should be?

((((hugs))))