--Update--
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 62
--Update--
So ill just do a history for people who dont know me.. My names ashley im 16 and my moms an alcohol..on halloween 2006 my mom got arrested for assault and was put in jail and then commited. She was sent to a 28 day rehab center. she went to live with her parents house after she got out and was going to outpatient there.
Mom graduated from her outpatient about 2 weeks ago. And just like every other time she starts drinking right after she gets out. She went 4 months without drinking. I know thats not alot but its something. Shes back to how she used to be...
I seriously don't get why the bottle would be so much more important than her family. My dad keeps telling her that if she doesnt sober up hes leaving. I find myself getting so angry when shes around me. She doesnt even try to stay sober. She plays everyone and we just all end up getting hurt. She always says shes sorry..she says it so much that when she says it i just get pissed off. I seriously give up on her..im starting to detach myself and just let her do what she wants. Right now at this point, I'm so pissed that it wouldnt bother me if my dad divorced her. She gets drunk and then says crap about how fat i am and because of her im trying to overcome anorexia..ive been doing really good..but it hurts when she says stuff like tht..
Sorry this was basically just a rant. But if u read this all thanx. I just dont kno wat to do anymore..
Take Care, Ash
Mom graduated from her outpatient about 2 weeks ago. And just like every other time she starts drinking right after she gets out. She went 4 months without drinking. I know thats not alot but its something. Shes back to how she used to be...
I seriously don't get why the bottle would be so much more important than her family. My dad keeps telling her that if she doesnt sober up hes leaving. I find myself getting so angry when shes around me. She doesnt even try to stay sober. She plays everyone and we just all end up getting hurt. She always says shes sorry..she says it so much that when she says it i just get pissed off. I seriously give up on her..im starting to detach myself and just let her do what she wants. Right now at this point, I'm so pissed that it wouldnt bother me if my dad divorced her. She gets drunk and then says crap about how fat i am and because of her im trying to overcome anorexia..ive been doing really good..but it hurts when she says stuff like tht..
Sorry this was basically just a rant. But if u read this all thanx. I just dont kno wat to do anymore..
Take Care, Ash
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Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Happy with me !
Posts: 680
(((Ash))) I am sorry you are dealing with this, especially at your age.
Your mom has to hit her own "rock bottom" before she will seek help on her own. I don't understand how the alcoholic mind works.....It amazes me how they can let a bottle become more important to them than their family. It is a sick, sick addiction.
Detaching is a good start. Please try not to take to heart the mean and hurtful things she says, it is not a reflection on you, but on how she feels about herself inside. I know how you feel, I have spent 14 yrs with a husband that has made me feel very insecure about myself.
Have you been to al-teen? Therapy?
Keep posting...you are not alone here.....
Your mom has to hit her own "rock bottom" before she will seek help on her own. I don't understand how the alcoholic mind works.....It amazes me how they can let a bottle become more important to them than their family. It is a sick, sick addiction.
Detaching is a good start. Please try not to take to heart the mean and hurtful things she says, it is not a reflection on you, but on how she feels about herself inside. I know how you feel, I have spent 14 yrs with a husband that has made me feel very insecure about myself.
Have you been to al-teen? Therapy?
Keep posting...you are not alone here.....
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
hi ashley....good to hear from you again.
you are witnessing a very common occurrance with the alcoholic who isn't yet able or not willing to get sober and stay sober.
i't's just a raw deal. the only way i could save my sanity through my husbands alcoholism was to detach, detach, detach. i could not let his poison words affect me in any way or i would have been reduced to nothing.
please understand that her words, deeds, and actions are not about you in any way, although it may not feel like it. it's hard to hear those things from a drunk, and not let it affect you.....but it's what i had to do.
her alcoholism is not about you, sweety. i know it just doesn't make sense...it never does. you take care of yourself, ok?\
much love to you
you are witnessing a very common occurrance with the alcoholic who isn't yet able or not willing to get sober and stay sober.
i't's just a raw deal. the only way i could save my sanity through my husbands alcoholism was to detach, detach, detach. i could not let his poison words affect me in any way or i would have been reduced to nothing.
please understand that her words, deeds, and actions are not about you in any way, although it may not feel like it. it's hard to hear those things from a drunk, and not let it affect you.....but it's what i had to do.
her alcoholism is not about you, sweety. i know it just doesn't make sense...it never does. you take care of yourself, ok?\
much love to you
A work in progress....
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: FREE!!!! Somewhere in the Tennessee Mountains
Posts: 1,018
Hi Ashley,
I don't pretend to know exactly what you are feeling towards your mom, but I imagine it isn't a whole lot different than the feelings my oldest boys have towards their father. It hurts really bad when someone that you should be able to depend on has an addiction. I'm sorry for your pain.
I am in the process of divorcing my husband of 25 years. He has been using drugs, different ones, throughout our marriage. We have three sons together. Oldest is 24, middle is 19, and youngest is 10.
I don't get it either; I do know that addicts/alcoholics are very sick. They hate themselves; they do all manner of twisted things to the people who love them the most. They say 'sorry', and we believe them-for awhile. I think that they really ARE sorry, they just have lost control of their lives. They don't love themselves, and they can't love anyone else in a healthy way.
That said, I am sure that your mother does love you, she just is unable to show it. My husband has ripped the souls out of my sons and myself for many years. He cannot distinguish between lies and truth anymore. But I still believe he loves us. He is just really, really sick.
I know it's hard, but if you can look at your mom and see her a person that is just totally miserable instead of as someone that is purposely hurting you, it may help you deal with things a little better. You can detach yourself emotionally from the hurtful things that she does. It's not easy but it is possible.
What kind of relationship do you have with your dad? Do you have any brothers/sisters? Try to find an alanon/alateen meeting in your area and connect with people who are going through the same things. It helps SO much to have someone to talk to that really, intimately understands the pain of living with addiction.
I don't know if I have helped at all, but I just wanted to tell you that I care about you and I'm sorry that you are hurting. Please keep posting, and reading, here. There are tons of wonderful people that want to help you.
((((HUGS))))
I don't pretend to know exactly what you are feeling towards your mom, but I imagine it isn't a whole lot different than the feelings my oldest boys have towards their father. It hurts really bad when someone that you should be able to depend on has an addiction. I'm sorry for your pain.
I am in the process of divorcing my husband of 25 years. He has been using drugs, different ones, throughout our marriage. We have three sons together. Oldest is 24, middle is 19, and youngest is 10.
Originally Posted by Hurting Inside 
I seriously don't get why the bottle would be so much more important than her family.
That said, I am sure that your mother does love you, she just is unable to show it. My husband has ripped the souls out of my sons and myself for many years. He cannot distinguish between lies and truth anymore. But I still believe he loves us. He is just really, really sick.
I know it's hard, but if you can look at your mom and see her a person that is just totally miserable instead of as someone that is purposely hurting you, it may help you deal with things a little better. You can detach yourself emotionally from the hurtful things that she does. It's not easy but it is possible.
What kind of relationship do you have with your dad? Do you have any brothers/sisters? Try to find an alanon/alateen meeting in your area and connect with people who are going through the same things. It helps SO much to have someone to talk to that really, intimately understands the pain of living with addiction.
I don't know if I have helped at all, but I just wanted to tell you that I care about you and I'm sorry that you are hurting. Please keep posting, and reading, here. There are tons of wonderful people that want to help you.
((((HUGS))))
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
im starting to detach myself
I'm glad you came by to share. Yes, the detaching does become a bit easier as they become worse. It's just so sad that it comes to that but you are getting an upfront view of how this disease progresses and I can see alot of growth in you. It took me awhile to get so tired of things that I was forced to detach in ways I never expected. I forget if you ever tried Alateen or not... it's a good program.
Please keep us updated on how you are doing. Thanks for dropping in.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 62
I did try to go to Alateen and i just didnt really get anything out of it. I had a therapist to talk to but once again i pushed tht away too. Seriously i hate talking face to face to people about my mom. It just bothers me.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,351
so sorry for your troubles---keep posting--we are all here for you....you are so young-at this point in your life I wish you didnt have to deal with all this....when it somes to sseing a psych--know that it can take a few tries before you find the right one--don't give up--maybe you and you father could go together.Remember it is the disease talking when your mom says those mean things to you....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 62
Tonight my mom told me she wanted to go back to a rehab place..My dad told her to do what ever she wants. I cant help but think to myself..we are just wasting money and hope.. she doenst wanna change cause she has that its a disease in her mind and figures its okay to drink..
Lately ive been getting real angry when im around her...when she trys to talk to me i ignore her..when she trys to hug me i walk away..and when she comes near me i freak out.. Everyday at school..im always worrying about what ill come home to..to a sober or drunk mom? of course most of the time when i come home shes passed out on the floor. She was drunk all of friday saturday and sunday..and last night she wakes me up at 11:30 pm to tell me tht she was just sick and tht she wasnt drinking..i basically freaked out on her and told her to get real with herself..
Well i guess thats it..i kno this was basically just a rant, but thanks for reading it if you did
Take care,
Ash
Lately ive been getting real angry when im around her...when she trys to talk to me i ignore her..when she trys to hug me i walk away..and when she comes near me i freak out.. Everyday at school..im always worrying about what ill come home to..to a sober or drunk mom? of course most of the time when i come home shes passed out on the floor. She was drunk all of friday saturday and sunday..and last night she wakes me up at 11:30 pm to tell me tht she was just sick and tht she wasnt drinking..i basically freaked out on her and told her to get real with herself..
Well i guess thats it..i kno this was basically just a rant, but thanks for reading it if you did
Take care,
Ash
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
Ashely, I'm very sorry that you are hurting. Alcoholism hurts everyone that is affected. It's very normal for you to feel the ways that you are feeling.
I know that my kids (all teenagers) have different feelings in regards to their alcoholic father. And each one handles it differently.
The good thing that I see my kids doing is that they try to live their own lives. They still hang out with their friends, they have relationships with others (boyfriends/girlfriends) and we talk about these relationships so they can recognize red flags and not make the same mistakes they've seen their parents make, they still participate in school-related activities, and they basically go on with their lives even when their A dad doesn't show up to events, disappoints them, etc.
You see - they know how their father is. And they have said many times "That's just the way Dad is". Yes, sometimes he does things that really hurts them. But they know not to expect something from him because they know that they can't rely on him.
I guess what I'm trying to say Ashley is that there is nothing you can do to change your Mom. She is the way that she is. You can hope that she decides one of these days to get sober and seek recovery - but Ashley, that's all you can really do. Only your Mom can take care of her issues.
You are a teenager and you have a whole life ahead of you. I hope that you'll realize that worrying about your Mom all the time isn't making things better for you and I hope you decide to just go on out and enjoy your life. Hang out with friends, get involved with school activities, possibly get a part time job, try attending Alateen again (where the kids know just how you feel) and go out and live and enjoy your life!
Ashley - you know that what your mom does isn't your fault. I know you are hurt and you are not living in a happy place right now. But I sure hope you don't give up on yourself.
I know that my kids (all teenagers) have different feelings in regards to their alcoholic father. And each one handles it differently.
The good thing that I see my kids doing is that they try to live their own lives. They still hang out with their friends, they have relationships with others (boyfriends/girlfriends) and we talk about these relationships so they can recognize red flags and not make the same mistakes they've seen their parents make, they still participate in school-related activities, and they basically go on with their lives even when their A dad doesn't show up to events, disappoints them, etc.
You see - they know how their father is. And they have said many times "That's just the way Dad is". Yes, sometimes he does things that really hurts them. But they know not to expect something from him because they know that they can't rely on him.
I guess what I'm trying to say Ashley is that there is nothing you can do to change your Mom. She is the way that she is. You can hope that she decides one of these days to get sober and seek recovery - but Ashley, that's all you can really do. Only your Mom can take care of her issues.
You are a teenager and you have a whole life ahead of you. I hope that you'll realize that worrying about your Mom all the time isn't making things better for you and I hope you decide to just go on out and enjoy your life. Hang out with friends, get involved with school activities, possibly get a part time job, try attending Alateen again (where the kids know just how you feel) and go out and live and enjoy your life!
Ashley - you know that what your mom does isn't your fault. I know you are hurt and you are not living in a happy place right now. But I sure hope you don't give up on yourself.
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
Hi Ashley, I've been wondering about you. I bet you and your dad and sisters had a little peace and quiet for 28 days. It makes her drinking all the more intolerable. You know Ashley. I'm, so glad you are realizing that what she says when she's drinking of a bunch of poop.
She may be relapsed but you aren't. I think you are just plowing along in your own recovery. Stay focused on you. I'm glad you have found your voice in this. She isn't going to find it so easy to take pot shots at you. You are stronger and more self assured, I can tell by the way you write. Awesome job!
She may be relapsed but you aren't. I think you are just plowing along in your own recovery. Stay focused on you. I'm glad you have found your voice in this. She isn't going to find it so easy to take pot shots at you. You are stronger and more self assured, I can tell by the way you write. Awesome job!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,351
how awful for you to be so young and have all this responsibility--I can just se you in school everyday worried sick about what you are coming home to....if your dad leaves her make sure you go with him...None of this is your fault--keep repeating that over and over in your head----
Royalty
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Ohio
Posts: 366
HI Ashley.
Good to hear from you. You seem to be still be on that rollercoaster ride .... too bad we can't stop buying tickets for it. Your mom was doing better, then she wasnt, then she was, now she's not..... sorry to say that's "normal". I must have missed the part that she moved back home? Was that when your dad was ill? A small set-back is to be expected. If she wants to go to rehab again, who is stopping her? I can't believe that you are worrying about the families finances....I wish they could just let you be a kid. Everyone is heaping their problems onto you, and it is making you sick. I know you weren't very comfortable going to alateen or a counselor, but maybe you just haven't met the right one yet.
So do you have your driver's license yet? Maybe you could get a part time job to keep yourself busy (less time to worry what everyone else is doing)? Maybe it's time to push for something that you want, instead of catering to everyone else? Just an idea....
Are you on Spring Break? !! My kids are staying up all night and sleeping all day for their break, lol. They are spending the night with Grandma tomorrow! And we signed up to bowl in a tournament with them on Saturday. We may even go to the zoo one day, since it has warmed up. (yeah I know, my daughter thinks that is a horrid idea, how embarrassing to be seen with the family at the ZOO, yikes! LOL) Anyways, I hope you do something for yourself! You deserve it!
PS I heard my daughter tell one of her friends on the phone, that "My mom's kinda cool!" I bet she won't think so after I drag her to the zoo on Friday, LOL
Check in more often if you can, we worry about ya
HQ
Good to hear from you. You seem to be still be on that rollercoaster ride .... too bad we can't stop buying tickets for it. Your mom was doing better, then she wasnt, then she was, now she's not..... sorry to say that's "normal". I must have missed the part that she moved back home? Was that when your dad was ill? A small set-back is to be expected. If she wants to go to rehab again, who is stopping her? I can't believe that you are worrying about the families finances....I wish they could just let you be a kid. Everyone is heaping their problems onto you, and it is making you sick. I know you weren't very comfortable going to alateen or a counselor, but maybe you just haven't met the right one yet.
So do you have your driver's license yet? Maybe you could get a part time job to keep yourself busy (less time to worry what everyone else is doing)? Maybe it's time to push for something that you want, instead of catering to everyone else? Just an idea....
Are you on Spring Break? !! My kids are staying up all night and sleeping all day for their break, lol. They are spending the night with Grandma tomorrow! And we signed up to bowl in a tournament with them on Saturday. We may even go to the zoo one day, since it has warmed up. (yeah I know, my daughter thinks that is a horrid idea, how embarrassing to be seen with the family at the ZOO, yikes! LOL) Anyways, I hope you do something for yourself! You deserve it!
PS I heard my daughter tell one of her friends on the phone, that "My mom's kinda cool!" I bet she won't think so after I drag her to the zoo on Friday, LOL
Check in more often if you can, we worry about ya
HQ
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Utah
Posts: 20
Originally Posted by embraced2000
hi ashley....good to hear from you again.
you are witnessing a very common occurrance with the alcoholic who isn't yet able or not willing to get sober and stay sober.
i't's just a raw deal. the only way i could save my sanity through my husbands alcoholism was to detach, detach, detach. i could not let his poison words affect me in any way or i would have been reduced to nothing.
please understand that her words, deeds, and actions are not about you in any way, although it may not feel like it. it's hard to hear those things from a drunk, and not let it affect you.....but it's what i had to do.
her alcoholism is not about you, sweety. i know it just doesn't make sense...it never does. you take care of yourself, ok?\
much love to you
you are witnessing a very common occurrance with the alcoholic who isn't yet able or not willing to get sober and stay sober.
i't's just a raw deal. the only way i could save my sanity through my husbands alcoholism was to detach, detach, detach. i could not let his poison words affect me in any way or i would have been reduced to nothing.
please understand that her words, deeds, and actions are not about you in any way, although it may not feel like it. it's hard to hear those things from a drunk, and not let it affect you.....but it's what i had to do.
her alcoholism is not about you, sweety. i know it just doesn't make sense...it never does. you take care of yourself, ok?\
much love to you
I have a daughter that is 16 and her mother also is in Rehab. It kills me to know the pain she goes through seeing what she has saw and hearing what she has heard. Just know that it is not your fault and life is tough sometimes but it will get better. I am thankful for strong youth like you and my daughter, it inspires me to get through my wife that is an alcaholic and has destroyed all we have. There is a wonderful life out there for you. Go get it!
Hang in there kid...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 62
so..my mom is stillll drinking..she decided also that she wanted to spend her mothers day drunk as well..i dont really her bother me anymore..when shes drunk i just dont go around her cause i know how she can get and im not going to put myself in that position anymore..other then her..ive been actually been doing very well..tomorrow i have try outs for the softball team for school..i hope i make it..im sure i will cuz they say that almost anyone who trys out will make it..
My dad i think is going to get a divorce from my mom..hes starting to get real tired of all the broken promises and just her constant lying about drinking..when we tell her shes been drinking shes always like what are you guys talking about i havent been drinking..i think that right there shows and says she does not want help.
Well Happy Mothers Day to all you moms out there..i hope you all here thee best day today..
take care everyone
Ashley
My dad i think is going to get a divorce from my mom..hes starting to get real tired of all the broken promises and just her constant lying about drinking..when we tell her shes been drinking shes always like what are you guys talking about i havent been drinking..i think that right there shows and says she does not want help.
Well Happy Mothers Day to all you moms out there..i hope you all here thee best day today..
take care everyone
Ashley
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
Sorry to hear that your mother is still drinking. Have you had an opportunity to join an Alanon or Alateen group in your area? Perhaps at this point, divorce is the best option for everyone involved. Hope you make the softball team!
A work in progress....
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: FREE!!!! Somewhere in the Tennessee Mountains
Posts: 1,018
Hi Ashlee, glad you checked in here. I'm sorry your mom is still in such denial, but it sounds like you are doing some good things for yourself. I hope you make the team, let us know how it turns out.
(((HUGS)))
(((HUGS)))
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