What do you do...?

Old 03-24-2007, 08:53 PM
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What do you do...?

When you AH lies to you about drinking?
I know AH drinks everyday after work and on the weekends as soon as he can find an excuse to get out of the house.
Yet everyday I hope that he will come home and be sober. Most of the time it is not enough that he completely drunk ...but I can still tell.

Today he was decided to drink while I took the baby for a walk. I saw a cup in his hands and smelled it and sipped it and he still said it wasn't alcohol...duh. I am not stupid. I mean what do you say?? Do you just ignore it??

And this was after a major blow up 2 days ago where he told me he would stop. Although HE refuses to admitt it is a problem and says he does it of his own free will.

And then tonight we had another fight and he said that he is done telling me that he won't drink. HE said "I will still drink, I like it"

What do you say/do??
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Old 03-24-2007, 09:01 PM
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Look and listen to his actions. You have to decide if you can live with them.
You didn't cause, can't control it, and can't cure it. My ex continued to drink and it became a problem for me to stay there. He told me the same thing. I drank when you met me and I'll keep drinking as long as I want. I enjoy it, it relaxes me. No one is going to tell me what to do. I listened as long as I could, then as it progressed I had to leave.
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Old 03-24-2007, 09:05 PM
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Yep, I have heard the "I drank when you met me" line many a time!!!!

Daisy, when it gets to be too much for YOU, then you will know and will do whatever it is that needs to be done. I know how frustrated you are...they just keep telling us all of these "lies", like we are gonna believe them ! I finally had enough of has taken me a LONG time, and I still seem to go back for more.

Just know that you are not alone here.........
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Old 03-24-2007, 09:29 PM
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what did i do when my husband lied about drinking? i drove myself insane trying to catch him at it, manipulated the daylights out of him, and became crazier than a bed bug. (just how crazy is a bed bug, by the way?)

i went to al-anon and learned how to take care of me and to take the focus off of the alcoholic.
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Old 03-24-2007, 09:41 PM
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I definately hear is soo sad to me. This man never used to be like this. I feel so cheated that I am stuck with other person most of the time.
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Old 03-24-2007, 09:57 PM
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I spent so much energy trying to catch him. Everytime I thought Ah Ha, I got you now just try and get out of this one. He did. I'd sit there with my mouth wide open, speechless like what just happened??
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Old 03-24-2007, 10:18 PM
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nothing you can do as frustrating as it may sound--ask him to get help--if he is a smart ass and tells you too bad---then set the boundries and make him leave if he won't change
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Old 03-24-2007, 10:19 PM
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frizzy is right in setting hard to do, but the right thing.
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Old 03-24-2007, 11:04 PM
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I don't ask or check. He wants to drink, he'll drink. I just never get in the car with him behind the wheel after dinnertime.
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Old 03-25-2007, 05:16 AM
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With my bf, the lying got to the point where I felt I didn't care. I tried ignoring him, pretending everything was ok, burying myself in school/work, yelling, cajoling, crying, reasoning. I was quacking, and so was he.
I got the same words from my bf about his drinking and pot smoking. You have to remember though you didn't make him start, and you sure can't make him stop.
You will have the same old cycle of arguements until one of you are in control over how you react towards him, and acknowledging your own needs and emotions. I don't know your situation, so the best advice I can offer is think of YOU, and make sure YOUR needs are being met.
Goodluck to you, I really know how those sort of arguements make you feel (((((())))))
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Old 03-25-2007, 05:23 AM
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Only person you can change is you..if he wants to drink himself to death then he will, you cannot stop him.

All you can do is set your bounderies, and, keep them. What are you willing to accept and what are you not willing to accept?
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Old 03-25-2007, 06:45 AM
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I have spent years and years grilling my AH about his drinking. I have driven myself mad with this routine. He NEVER admits to drinking, and yet I keep asking. He is the self-admitted alcoholic who amazingly enough, never drinks according to him. We went to a wedding and I came back to our table to find him holding a wine glass filled to the rim with Merlot. He swore up and down that it was Diet Coke, even after I sipped it. This disease sucks the rationality out of its victims.
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Old 03-25-2007, 06:57 AM
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I completely understand. For me, what was so amazing was what his behavior did to me. I was plowing through his car looking for booze, going through his drawers, looking in every nook, behind every door. My younger daughter was the pro; she could always find his stash. I got to the point of not only detesting him but detesting myself. Finally, I couldn't stand the person I had become. Today, without him, I cross one bridge at a time. That's my new motto.
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Old 03-25-2007, 04:16 PM
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I don't even ask anymore. I trust my gut far more than I trust the words coming out of his mouth about this issue. And I get furious when he lies, while I can stay more detached if I just know and don't ask.
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Old 03-25-2007, 04:36 PM
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I go in my bed room light a scented candle or incense and watch a TV program or read a book. Sometimes I use this time to sort through clothes that I will never wear again and dust my dressers. It feels so good to doze off to the smell of a clean bedroom and clean sheets and my toe nails always look so pretty.
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Old 03-25-2007, 06:49 PM
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As everyone else has said, I found that either way...whether he thought I knew or not...he drank. If he thought I didn't know, then he lied and drank "behind my back". When I let on that I did know, he was just a blatent drunk. What you do or say ultimately has no bearing on whether or not he drinks.

My DH has been chemically sober for almost 3 months now. I am never the first to mention alcohol or his drinking. I have a glass of wine here and there. I never apologize for it. I never ask him how its going. I've even stopped trying to smell his breath. Like Cautious said, I would rather not give him the perfect opportunity to lie anyway should he relapse.

I am certainly not an old pro at this though, so I have time when I feel the urge to argue and accuse, but I try to repeat my personal mantra "I can't control his behaviors, I can only control my reaction to his behaviors." Seems to help.
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Old 03-25-2007, 06:55 PM
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"This man never used to be like this. I feel so cheated that I am stuck with other person most of the time."

I used to feel cheated, too. But not by my boyfriend's alcoholism, his behavior, or his constant lies. I felt cheated because I was allowing another person to treat me this way. Then I realized that I didn't have to accept unacceptable behavior any more. I could choose a different life for myself. I could choose a healthy partner. I could choose a life that's free from the effects of another's addiction. I could choose to let go of the things in my life that were causing me pain.

The bottom line is we all have choices and you don't have to live this way. Today you may choose to tolerate this type of life. But tomorrow you can choose otherwise. You can be miserable in the company of an alcoholic or you can be happy on your own. The choice is yours.
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