yes or no?

Old 03-24-2007, 01:57 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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frizzlynn, HUGS, you received great replys, so I will just add, what Grace mentioned sounds wonderful, search the net maybe, wish Grace would tell us how she found this help.
In the meantime, a journal is good, but what helped me was the 4th and 5th step, have you done this?
My first one was pretty useless, didn't really understand so was all about him.

Then to do a better one I wrote the story of MY life.

I started with I was born then mentioned that my sisters were 13 and 16 years older, I left space for additions. Once started many things came up that I had thought forgotten, I wrote every little tidbitt. Everthing anyone said, what I said or thought. etc.

Our 5th step is amazing, I would do it with a 5th step clergy.
Getting this all in order and then speaking it aloud seems to releave us.

I still did another later as more things came up.

Al-Anon has a book on how to do a 4th.

I liked the one in AA Big Book, if you don't have a book go to
http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/

Read chapter 5, Then do one that includes everything not mentioned that you need to clear away.

I would suspect we all have nasty things in our life. I do. (the book mentions, "clear away the wreckage of our past")

Just my opinion, but your medical problems are adding to all your feelings of being unworthy in all areas. Is there a support group for Lupus? have you gone on line to find a forum like this for lupus? Some things that happened to you were just not your fault. It happened like a tornado that came out of the blue. Some strick withot warning.
Caring, understanding hugs
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Old 03-24-2007, 10:18 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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(((Frizzylyn))) You have had enough pain for several lifetimes... so much so, that it may take a long time to get much of it healed. But the process has already begun... your anger, your questioning.... your willingness to change. These things ARE recovery, and here you are, SMACK DAB in the middle of it!!

What I do know, is that we are not professional counselors, just folks who have walked similar paths. We share what worked for us, and what doesn't.... and our hope for a better future.

I've discovered that my recovery has required SEVERAL "ways"... I've received professional counseling; I attend three different 12-step groups and am considering seeking out a physician's advice for medication. I am starting to develop friendships from my 12-step groups that support me in many ways, and most important, I have a strong (and growing) faith in a power greater than me.

Time takes time, Frizzy... but I see you picking up the tools you are going to need and most of all, that WILLINGNESS to work through your pain to find the bright and shiny person inside. She is there, I can see the glow.

(((hugs)))
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Old 03-24-2007, 10:45 PM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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I ahve difficulty with the word selfish. It isn't a negative to factor yourself into your own life.
Here's what I'm telling myself when I stumble on the "I'm being selfish" thought:

At the end of the day, I have me, myself, I and my higher power to rely on. I love my Al-Anon friends, I love my other friends, and my family -- all the people who love me and support me. But at the end of the day, I'm it. I have to live with the consequences of the decisions I make, and whatever those choices are, there will be people who criticize me and think I should have cried instead of laughed, jumped instead of skipped, and worn black instead of hot pink.

And in a way, all I have to do is what I constantly tell my kids to do: Stop obsessing about whether or not your sister packed her lunch or ate her broccoli or called you stupid, and focus on your own behavior. Don't tell your brother what to do, make sure you know what to do.

I think with a painful, hurtful past like yours, you might have to walk through that hell again to heal. Maybe. My past is different, and I've chosen a different route, because I can: I'm aware of how I've been helping AH maintain his drinking, but why doesn't really matter to me. Right now, finding the root of the problem isn't as urgent to me as changing my ways.

Don't know if any of that helps, but it's my perspective... (((hugs)))
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Old 03-25-2007, 12:04 AM
  # 24 (permalink)  
it is what it is...
 
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You have so much good advice here. I want to remind you that not so long ago, I apologized for my threads being so LONG! because I build up and let it all out at once. You told me you appreciated it because it helped you understand my situation better. You have replied to every thread I ever wrote and I always see that you reply to most of the others that I read. But, I never really heard anything about you from you. Now you are starting to open up. I am so glad. Don't be afraid to go on and on if you want. If it will help you to tell us all the ugly stuff you are afraid will scare us, don't worry about it. I'm sure you will find understanding. It may help to get it all out. Or, if you don't want to, print it out, that is how I journal for myself, I print it and put it in an album.
My point is, you helped me not be afraid to post whatever I was feeling here. You stuck out to me amongst all the others. So don't feel selfish, just take your turn. You take time to help us, encourage us and care about us. So let us do the same for you. If you look at it that way, you see, it isn't selfish!! Tell us more about YOU! Because we do care. Because we want you to feel better, we want to help, we are your friends ya know
Hugs, to you Miss Frizzy
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Old 03-25-2007, 12:27 AM
  # 25 (permalink)  
it is what it is...
 
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Hmm, me again, just thinking while I was reading some other posts. To personally answer why I talk about my A... 1. He is still around. 2. I still love him 3. I need to forgive him because I am tired of being angry. If I can understand him, I can forgive. And if him and I can build some sort of positive relationship between him and I that we can both be healthy with then that will make forgiveness easier and make me happy. That is why I post about him. If you don't want to post about yours, don't. You don't have to. You do write whatever you need to OK? That is fine with me and I'm sure everyone else. You're right, this is about ourselves, not them. Just feel free to post whatever you would like, get it out, feel better. I love ya.
And I have to go to bed now! I'm pooped! B
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Old 03-25-2007, 01:14 AM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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Threads Like This Are Why I Keep Coming Back . . .

Even though the mirroring it affords is tough . . .

I saw a little bit of myself in everyone who posted, and the biggest reaction I had was I've been away too long from this part of my program. My legitimate excuse is work; I'm lucky to make an AA meeting a week, and that's because I have a life today, by the grace of God and 12-Step Programs . . .

It's easy to do . . . Really, except for a brother who's probably hell-bent on dying from the disease--I keep big boundaries up there--there aren't any alcoholics in my life . . . Oh, I work with several problem children, and I wish it were one of those enlightened companies where they would be identified, intervened upon, and sent to rehab. Doesn't happen though. I had enough one night and reported one individual for being drunk on the job, and my reputation was such that at least a few people believed me . . . They suspended the guy for a few days, but somebody leaked the information to him; he came after me, and others questioned my judgement . . .

Three weeks later the same individual had a heart attack from a cocaine overdose, landed in the hospital and then in some meetings . . . He relapsed though, and they fired him . . .

By then I'd learned to give myself my own validation--it's a codependent characteristic to want to rely on that from others, and trust me, that's a big set-up--and I saw the whole scene as exactly that . . . I felt sad, but there was little else I could do . . .

Like Embraced2000, I was "sick long before i met my alcoholic [girlfriends, quite a number in my case, well, alcoholics and other assorted hysterical and borderline types]....we were 2 sick people just waiting to find each other."

I put the focus on myself and what was drawing me to them, my own control issues, and did a helluva lot of work both in meetings and therapy . . .

Healthy, nurturing relationships still feel funny to me (and scary), but the other day I was bitching about a platonic MF friendship that broke up for me when I realized the other was just a more sophisticated drama queen than my earlier models . . .

My other friend--also a woman--said to me, "Nice guys are magnets for those types."

I took that as a huge stroke (yeah, when you aren't looking for them, there they are), and it led me to realize I was standing on the edge of an old trap, my own tendency to assume responsibility for everything and refusing to look at the subject of "balance."

More control stuff, natch . . . More opportunities to ride on the old arse thrashing machine . . .

Be good to yourself, folks. I've still got work to do, but I suspect none of us is really as outrageous as we think we are in our worst moments, and I'm a whole lot better than I used to be . . .

CC1
Once again tendering my resignation from the Martyrdom Squad
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Old 03-25-2007, 02:34 PM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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for me, it took dwelling on the a, to get off my ... and take my life back. It took alot of anger and still is there at times, to get past and on with life. Unfortunely, I lost alot of my funds and made my self esteem even take a deeper nose dive. It's been 2 yrs since he has been gone and during and after this, I had to deal with living on a shoestring, ramen noodles, whatever to get myself out of this. Necessity is the mother of invention... That and even though I won't be getting anywhere near the $$$$$ I lost, life is showing me ways to get my finances back on track. Now I have learned I can have a happy life despite everything I have been through.
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Old 03-25-2007, 03:19 PM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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Probably Shouldn't Post in the Wee Hours . . .

I'm looking over this one and another "big speech" I gave on another thread, and I started thinking . . . I was really happy about this one (which came first) since it was pretty upbeat; the other was a whole lot more thrusting, angry, and--gasp--just a tad judgemental and self-righteous (dang, gotta figure out these emoticons; put a wink ;-) after that one, okay).

I'll blame part of it on the gomboo that had me up in the night hacking with chills and heading straight for the Tylenol, Advil, and alcohol-free Robutussin DM . . .

Anyway, after re-reading, what struck me as incomplete about my reply above was I failed to acknowledge that it is a legitimate part of the "grieving" process to focus on the alcoholic "other," and I don't think anyone has a right to "take that away" from someone . . .

Thus, I think it's important to validate what's going on with those caught up in the disease's maelstrom, and yet the message to "put the focus on ourselves" is equally valid . . .

'Nuff . . .
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