For those with no Elephants now....
 

If you know what Im talking about, for those who were around long time ago.."Ogly" told me I need to take a long look at the Elephant in my Living room. Elephant=A It never dawned on me that all the years I spent walking around him on eggshells, allowing him to consume my every fiber, talk to me and his daughter badly, make exscuses for him, enable him, give him money knowing that he was buying dope or alcohol, yelled at him horribly bad in front of our daughter, accepted ANY kind of love I could squeeze out of him, because somewhere in my mind along the 9 years with him he manipulated me into thinking thats the life I deserved.


I am ashamed to say yes, I spent many days at home, unfunctional because of HIS behavior. However sick that was, I did it. And I mean unfunctional to the point where he was my every thought. He was my drug of choice so it seemed. It was during that time that I hit my bottom. Its sad to say it took so long. I hope if anyone who is going through the horrible withdrawl from leaving your Elephant....please know life gets and can be better. Even if you have to start over from scratch.

Know this- the pain will get better with time, as you and your soul heals from the damage living with an A does to those who surround them. Trust me, sometimes I just had to do what i could to get through the very next ten minutes. But you have to allow yourself time to heal, imagine the physical pain a person goes through if they were struck head on by a car, takes weeks, months, years even, depends on the person and their own recovery. Your A strikes you equally as hard as the car did the person, except its your heart, mind, and soul.

My A died a year ago from his addiciton. I had been seperated from him for almost 3 years when he passed away. Our daughter and I created a new life, one day at a time. And whats ironic-I helped plan and spoke at his funeral. I did so mainly because I wanted to speak, and to do so for our daughter. If you learn anything when you come to this site, its that the people here can truly help you and support you. Somedays I would be on this site hourly, just to get myself through the day.

I guess in a nutshell Im just speaking to anyone this may apply to, Ive been where you are, I know the pain, know it so much I can almost still feel it. Sometimes when I look at my daughter and I see him in her it will send chills through me. I loved him the person, not the addict.

Today, if your struggling with leaving or staying or not or whatever, start with one small baby step.... the first being, work on the way you react to them. Because YOU control YOUR reactions. Sometimes not reacting is the greatest gift of all.

Don't ask where all this came from, I come by and I read the posts and it hurts my heart when I read where I once was, I know how you feel. And it is so awful. I wouldnt wish that pain on anyone. Just hear me say life can get better. I promise.

Love you guys!

bonbon ... a million thanks for such an appropriate post - at least for me! I've spoken of the elephant in my living room (who isn't housebroken - ick!) a number of times to my therapist.

I accepted being dehumanized by being physically and emotionally abandoned by AH even though we still lived in the same house together. I was not permitted to discuss or relationship (or lack thereof ) because he was in counseling "working" on himself - whatever THAT means!

What it meant was just what you said - being manipulated and controlled and verballly abused to the point I was less-than-nothing to him. And letting him do it! Yeah, that elephant got bigger and bigger and was stinkin' up the place!

I'm so glad you posted this. It has been a great help in reminding myself to mind my own business and get on with my life. It's never easy, but it sure does get better!

Thank you, that is very well-said and I know will be a true life-saver for many.

I just want to say Thank You.

This is what recovery is all about and I so appreciate your taking the time to post this.

I too want to thank you for the post. I am new to the board and as I read various post, I see myself. Little did I know that others were "walking on egg shells." I was consumed in finding my happiness thru AH. Today, I am working on finding happiness inside of me. I can only cross one bridge at a time. Currently he is in a rehab center; I have told him that he cannot come home. For me, that was a long bridge. He gets out next week, then I will find the strength to cross other bridges. I am thankful for this board.

Thank you, Bonbon!
I have left my elephant twice now. Both times he came back, seeming as though he had changed. I believed him, or should I say the disease. I am here again, walking on those eggshells. It is no way to live, and God willing I will get out again.
It's now Friday at 4:35. I know he'll be pulling in with the next half hour. My stomach has already started to get upset, as I dread another weekend. There's not as many hours to drink on a Friday, so it might be safe. Unfortunately, that's not the same for the other 2 days. I've been leaving my elephant by himself for the remainder of the weekend. He knows now that I will leave on Saturday and return after he's left for work on Monday. Some life, but it's the best I can do for now.

I want to leave, but I'm still afraid. Afraid that he'll come back around again. I don't want anything bad to happen to him. I just want him to stay completely away from me once I'm gone. At this point, I can honestly say, that I won't even want to hear his name. I hate what this disease has done to him, and ultimately done to me. It's insanity living with a mean drunk.

Thank you for this post.
Once I've left my elephant again, I'll need all the support I can get from you guys.

Have a great weekend!
I hope to!

Grace

Grace, I know exactly what you mean. After a 9 month separation, I took AH back, believed all the lies. In two weeks, he was up to his old tricks. I am dumbfounded by the effects of this disease. For example, how does one go from being an honest person to being a liar? This disease is evil and it destoys people. I fear that his ship is going down and my children and I must jump.

Bonbon....thank you for this incredibly eloquent post..so chock full of wisdom and comfort. Thank you.

Welcome LoveRoy!
I was first separated from him for 4 years. Looking back, those were wonderful years. When he came back around, I believed his lies. Truth is...he couldn't make it work with anyone else, so he thought he'd try with me again. I was such a fool. Then, the last time, I found my own place. It was wonderful there for a little while. THEN....he started calling, saying that he had gone to anger mgt. counseling. I fell for it; hook, line, and sinker. Took him back again. Oh....I could just kick myself. So, once again, I'm trying to figure a way out. It is an evil disease. Destroys everyone in it's path. An old alanon friend of mine, who recently passed away, used to say, "You can tell an alcoholic is lying when their lips are moving." I sure do miss her. You get your kids and jump, and then run, and don't look back.

Good luck to you and your family!
Grace

I Im so glad this helped, I thought about what I wrote yesterday and how it just came out of nowhere what I was thinking. And thats just what I hoped to do, when I first came here I clung to these boards as my life line, literally.

I thought I was CRAZY when I found this website, but once I started digging for information on how to get help, and even better finding that there are people out there going through the same thing, boy oh boy I felt a small weight lift off of me. It was like a small light somewhere ahead of me I saw for the first time. Then the wisdom of the people here that were further down the road in recovery ahead of me, I would read their words typed here and things would start to make sense. I remember the first time I went to an al-anon meeting. I was scared but it even got better because now I saw other people RIGHT IN FRONT of me that lived the very life I was living, whether it was their daughter, son, dad, mom, husbands, boyfriends whatever.

I remember we sat in a meeting room and when it got to me to speak I was overwhelmed and all choked up, then tears started to come, I was then told to just listen and maybe next time only if you feel like it you can talk, I took home 2 books, One day in the Life of and another one that I cant remember the name of, but I hid those books when he was around, and clung onto them reading every word when he wasnt around.

I only made it to that one meeting, but I took the two books and this website and hung on for dear life when I finally decided to let go of him, Grace I took my A back I think maybe 5 or 6 times in the 9 years I gave of my life to him. However unhealthy, un mortal , sick , or demineted <--sp) I thought it was, I did it. EVERYONE around me thought I was nuts, ( I thought I was too!) kept telling me to leave, you all know the drill. But the bottom line is YOU have to get enough of it, nobody including yourself can tell you when that will be. You hear of AA talking about A's reaching their bottom, well YOU have a bottom, YOU have a cup that has to run over before YOU know when the time is right. That o straw that breaks the camels back so to speak....icing on the cake, however you want to say it, but dont feel bad if you thought the last time was it, or this time is it and it turns out not to be. Grace will leave when Grace is ready. Thats just the way it is.

And the comforting thing to know is that you have this place, and if you can get to a meeting. There is a world of information for people to use and begin slowly to put into practice, and Grace god is willing its YOU that has to find the path and courage to change. THATS what the name of the other book I got at the first meeting was! Courage to Change. Im only 31 and I feel like sometimes my memory is getting worse by the day. Get what I mean though?

Nudawn-when I read your post yesterday it prompted me to write mine. Like I mentioned , when I read the thoughts here I know them and the feelings because I went through them as well. I still can get those knots and memories of what it was like. It makes my heart hurt for others going through it. I know how awful and fowl this disease is.

Gosh I get so sidetracked, Ive been back and forth to my post here...hope it makes sense, having the child at work with me can be distracting!!!

Love you guys!

woops e daisy

Thank you so VERY much, bonbon!

God is working in my life. There's no doubt about it. I went to Alanon meetings for approximately a year. It was the beginning of my healing and accepting that it wasn't my fault, BUT I was allowing it to happen. I was enabling him and his disease. Unfortunately, that Alanon meeting has closed. Not enough interest! Can you imagine? We need it more in this area now more than ever. There's nothing for people to do in these backwoods BUT drink. Okay, forgive me....that's according to all the addicts!!! I, myself, find a considerable amount of pleasure in the little things. Thank God!

My enitre family, my friends, some of my church family, and most importantly, my very impressionable daughter, thought I had gone off the deep end. Looking back, I had!!!! But, I'm in the process of pulling myself up out of that bucket AGAIN!

Thank you for understanding and sharing your experience with me. I think the icing on the cake was just recently. I told my A that I had developed another lump in my breast. I had cancer once before. Do you know what he said? "You've been watching too many soap operas. Am I supposed to get upset and cry?" I was overwhelmed with his compassion and understanding. I wasn't looking for sympathy. I was just filling him in, as I knew that I would not be able to mow the back forty following surgery. In one sense it made me sad that he responded the way he did, but in another way, it made me realize that he truly doesn't care for me. You are probably thinking that I've reached my bottom. I think so too!

Thanks again, bonbon!
Have a great weekend!
God bless!

ok dont know how but i like posted 3 or 4 times here! wooopes!

Just thought of another good ole tip I can remember being told here....you may have heard it before....you know dealing with your A can be like dealing with the mind of a teenager or younger even if they are full grown adult. No, its not that he doesn't care grace, its that if hes full strength in his disease he may not know how to react to things you say, to you it seems he doesn't care. And usually their reaction is that of a grain of salt. And thats how you have to learn to take it. Thats probobaly the hardest because the bottom line is that you love your A, there is something somewhere that got you to where you are, and no doubt about it its difficult! I began when someone here told me about the mindset of an A it was then I started to understand little by little on my reactions and how I talked to mine.

YOU have a great weekned as well!

and loveroy- yes this disease is evil and destroys so so much! Well said! Gosh I have to get to know you all!! So many new people! But im glad you all are here!

Grace,

I will be so happy for you when you come here and tell us you've gotten away.

How old is your daughter?

Earthworm

Good morning, Earthworm!
 

She is 21 now. Unfortunately, she was only 6 when her A father left, and 8 when I brought the most recent A into her life. What a terrible thing to do to her, out of my own fear of being alone. She is in college, maintaining a 3.98 gpa. Not doing too bad. I'm incredibly proud of her. I have shared with her the things that happened to me in the past, and she also knows more than most her age, about codependency and addiction. She hates that I am here with him AGAIN, but she is being patient with me and hoping that I can soon get out again. She had to grow up too fast thanks to this disease, and my addictions too! I see her attracting the same type of men as I did, but all I can do is try to steer her away. It is hard when I see her making the same mistakes that I did so long ago, but I know that I cannot control her anymore than I can control anyone else. I just keep praying.

By the way, I'll be going to my mom's today. So...I may not be posting again for a few days. I'll let you all know how things go on Tuesday!

Oh....I apologize for stealing this post! Just wanted to send a quick message before I left.

Have a good weekend!
Grace

bonbon,thank-you so much for that inspiring message!!! I normally post on the substance abusers board but my ex was addicted to alot of things.... alcohol/crack/cocaine/porn.. I was with him for 7 years, and he we split up countless times... everyone..yep thought I was crazy, but I would say oh but it's different this time he has changed!!! who was i fooling?? only me.... everyone knew nothing would change even my ex but boy he was smooth.... he would be "good" for awhile just long enough for me to believe in him and then whamo.... the saga continued...We have been seperated now for a month... I hit my bottom, my cup runneth over....his addiction to alcohol and cocaine was getting worse, it progressed to him frequenting porno shops every weekend and not coming home at nights, then when he did come home he would have all these weird sex toys and porn, it literally broke my heart...and my soul, just reliving it makes me want to cry.... and the funny thing is, he acted like he went to the grocery store, no remorse,no guilt no nothing..... I called the police on him for drinking and driving and he got caught in our driveway...received only a 24 hour, spent the night in jail then came home said he was moving back to him moms (he's 45) and away he went...left without paying rent or any of the bills, left me high and dry... but having these past four weeks without him has been the best gift he has given me.... he made the choice to leave, but I left along time ago....

thanks again, and thanks for reading....
lotsa love,
Liz

no thanks required Liz, but thanks for sharing! The saga will always continue unless someone gets help.....that we all know. Your soul does get broken and its up to you and me to fix them. Im still trying to fix mine. Doesnt always fix as quick as we want, but it does get better. I promise!

Your soul does get broken.... wow that's exactly it. Undeniably, there is a lot of work in that sort of repair. Bonbon I am touched and grateful that something in my post inspired your incredibly comforting one to all fortunate enough to trip over it.

I read something yesterday about alcoholism...about the bottle being the one true love...that alcoholics love nothing else when active; not their spouse, their children, parents anything. As an alcoholic myself, I winced in knowing that to be true. My pain and love re my ex actually only started when I sobered up. As a drunk...my commitment was to booze. My relationship with my ex occured because of my commitment to booze. With him, I could drink to my heart's content...he did not interfere with my one love...he enabled and ecnouraged it with his own addictions.

With only a little more than 3 months sobriety under my belt, it is really and truly only in this new journey I am starting to truly understand love. It is not the fairytale I thought it was. It is not simply a "feeling" that comes and goes with the wind of change or difficulty. It is commitment...and whilst the commitment is to booze (which I KNOW to be true)...it will come before anything..as that is the alcoholic's only understanding of love.