Nuudawn

I don't know if it's because I'm a recovering drunk or a codie or both that I can't shake persistent thoughts about my still drinking and drugging ex boyfriend. While we were together I was either drunk or in pain from his perpetual need to get a "reaction" out of me by saying ridiculous things to make me jealous or feel insecure about our relationship. He pushed my buttons constantly. I was a wreck. He lied generously and he cheated..and was just generally an incredibly toxic person. Yes, I know that hurting people hurt people. I've moved 3000 miles away from the man. Words can't express how relieved and happy I am to be out of his reach now. I know with every fibre of my being that I am lucky to be out of that relationship and the situation I was in that allowed him daily information of my life and vice versa. It has been almost 4 months since we split...as long as I have been sober.

The relationship damaged me more than I was already damaged. I feel like violence was committed on my very soul...so what the hell? Why does this person still take up space in my head...so MUCH space in my head. It is the past..and it is over and I am grateful for that..yet he pops into my brain constantly. I dream about him. In my dreams, he is STILL pssing all over my feelings. It seems so ridiculous and irrational. I need it to stop. Is it just a really bad habit?

I want to be well. I want to be free. What the hell is my problem? As suggested for resetment, I have prayed for his happiness and recovery (which seem to only serve the softening of my heart and excusing of bad behavioiur), I've been angry, I"ve been sad, I've been disgusted, I've been apathetic, I've been everything man...when does the cycle of grief stop?

How long will I beat myself with this man?

Cynay

Yep the cycle of grief does stop....

But maybe your not really allowing yourself to grieve??? 4 months is not that long really and grieving takes time hon. Are you trying to push thoughts of him away from you, are you trying to not remember the good times?

That could be the problem, I have discovered for me the more I avoid thinking about it all... the longer it lasts. I try not to think about it because it hurts... sometimes more then others... but in order for me to get to the other side I have to hurt.

Does that make sense?

Nuudawn

Thanks Cynay. Yes it does make sense. I guess I'm just tired of the grieving. I feel like I have allowed for all things but maybe my impatience is trying to short circuit the process. Impatience and a desperate need for instant results and gratification is the hallmark of a drunk. I hear you..thanks.

un4gvn acts

It sounds like Cynay is right- you re grieving. You are grieving over the end of a relationship. Good or bad it is the end of something that you vested your time, energy, love, hopes & dreams to and now it is gone. That hurts!
I have felt like you at times. I can't get this person out of my head it seems that your every thought is of them.
Dont run or hide from the pain feel it, face it, accept it; it is only then that I was capable of moving forward.

Janitw

Nudawn - my xah left the kids and I on Jul 2005 and he is still in my thoughts and dreams every day and every night....only time will heal the soul hun...lots and lots and lots and lots of time...

stay the course and stay sober and eventually he will only be a figment of your imagination. I promise.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((Nudawn))))))))))))))))) )))))))))))))

Janit

ICU

It's almost 2 years for me and I still think about my ex every single gosh-darned day!

In the beginning I was frightened during the day and had nightmare after nightmare at night. Then I began having some pleasant memories during the day, and some pleasant dreams of him at night.

Then they flipped flopped. Felt like I was on the roller coaster again...good then bad, good then bad....UGGGG

It's a process. I think until I find something else to occupy that space and time in my head, they will continue, but to a lesser degree.

Give yourself more time. I promise you it will get better. And if it doesn't, or if you feel it's a concern for you, there's nothing wrong with consulting with a counselor to help you understand it a little better. I did that too!!

hope2bhappy

Nuudawn... good thoughts and prayers coming to you from me.

prodigal

The grief cycle stinks, and we all get frustrated with it, wondering, "Will this EVER end?" but it does. For some it takes longer than others. When I left ex-AH, I didn't actually think about him all the time, but I sure felt awfully depressed. It took me 15 months before I realized I was coming out of it. I still felt a weird kind of emptiness and had moments of real hardcore lonliness, but it started to pass. I no longer felt as if I was hanging from a thin cord just swinging over the bottomless abyss beneath me.

That was the worst part - feeling the bottom drop out - and feeling it really hard. Thank God I made it through. But I had to work through those feelings. When I was finally ready, I started going to cat shows. It was (and still is) an interest of mine.

Please be patient with yourself and give it time. I know you're worn out from living day after day with these feelings, but time is a great healer.

Sunflower

Glad you made the move---good for you--it all takes time...