free2be

When will it ever stop hurting? I am feeling very down today. I try and keep my chin up and look at the brighter side of things. Last night we had a conflict, he and I, and I blew. His priorities are screwed up and I called him on it. He acts like his "$h!t" doesn't stink. He is cruel, mean and he hurts my feelings. I will have to be involved with him for the rest of my life as we have children together. I don't think I can handle it. I try to stay focused and tell myself look where it's comming from, but you know what it still feels bad and makes me feel sad. I just don't get it. Yesterday I thought he could be resonable and maybe I could talk to him. After the crap he pulled last night I don't think I can ever talk to him again. He is self absorbed, selfish and self centered. And he's mad at me????? I'm the bad guy?? Sorry this post is all over the place. I'm all over the place.

denny57

Hey free, it will stop hurting. It takes time.

It was times like these that got me in the most trouble. I was looking to someone who could not be reasonable to validate what I knew I had to do. It got easier when I stopped doing that.

((()))

ICU

They certainly have a way of turning the tables around on us don't they? It takes practice, practice, practice, not to let their cruel words destroy us.

Do you have a plan for how you will react next time he is verbally mean? I have used several options...walking out of the room, leaving home for a couple of hours....yes him to death until I knew he would fall asleep.

Some are able to detach and live on in the relationship. Others find that it's just too much to go through on a daily basis and leave. I was one of those that left. It's up to each of us to decide how much we are willing to take and for how long.

parentrecovers

morning, blue - hope today can be a better day for you. blessings, k

loveRoy

My AH was a pro at making it "all about him." It took years for me to become wize to his tricks. For me, the conflicts were so exhausting. Hang in there and breathe.

free2be

I really have tried to not let his words get to me. I just don't get it. We are in the process of separating he is staying with his mother, I am in the house with the kids. We are facing foreclosure on the house. When I met with my attorney last month, he suggested that I surrender the car as we could not afford the lease payment and they would repo it sooner or later. I l/m on his voice mail telling him of my plans and asked if wanted the car and he didn't call back so I surrendered it. He had the nerve to reclaim it and ask me for the plates. It's all about him, his family keeps enabling him to behave and be self centered. I know I have no controll over them. I just don't undrstand how they can let him treat me and his kids this way. I thought they cared about us. I thought he cared about his children. Only person he seems to care about is him.

un4gvn acts

Free2be
I completely understand where you are coming from! I too had a tiff with my AH last night. I remained calm though I stated my peace then he stated his but when it reached the point that I could no longer remain calm listening too his crap - I simply walked away, held up my hand & told him that I am choosing not have this fight with him. When he continued I got in my car and left with out saying another word.
My ? to you is this was he drunk when this fight was going on?
I try to rememeber that - You cannot have a conversation with a alcoholic when they are drunk. It is like you 2 are speaking to completely different languages. He speaking english & you french. Arguing with a drunk gets you no where. Plus they don't remember what they say or how bad they made you feel so why bother.

Hugs to you today
Sage

queenteree

Hey Free,
Must be a full moon or something. AH got to me last nite too, and I let it get to me. I get so disappointed in myself when that happens, and I feed into it. Who lost sleep? Me. Hope you have a better day today,
QT

free2be

Sage
no he wasn't drunk. He is a dry drunk. he is episodic, so he goes weeks without getting drunk, but when he does he makes up for lost time. He smokes pot everyday. He believes that I am out to ruin him. I am the only person who has stuck by him through thick and thin, prison, parole, dwi's, court, abuse, lies, dealing steroids, cheating, affairs, totallying cars. Even his mother has walked away in the past. How can he be so mean and hurtful. His ability to twist the facts is amazing. How can he not trust me? i just don't get it. I don't want to reconcile at all!! It's totally over. Just was hoping we could do it peacefully.

un4gvn acts

queentree
It must have been the moon! I got very little sleep last night too!
When I came home after refusing to argue he was passed out, not because he was drunk; but because he is 20 days clean & sober & a crab ass. Anyways I lay in my bed thinking did I handle the situation like I should have, wonder what he thought when i refused to fight, wondered what he thought when I just left,,, So I was up all night trying to sleep and he is snoring in his room so loud that I can hear him from the other side of the house. It is amazing to me that we carry all the burdons & they sleep like babies.
Sometimes don't you just want to wring their necks?

queenteree

Un4gvn, so true and so well said. Let's try to have a better day and get some rest tonite!
QT

un4gvn acts

queentree,

You got a Deal!

lets make it our priority to get some ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ's tonight.

Sleep tight and don't let the bed bugs bite!!!!

Bjen

Good morning free! Hope today is better for you. You are an early bird!! Wish I was, I was up late due to being a night owl!. You're post sounds similar to one i put up not too long ago but mine are always so long lots of them don't get read very much that's ok. It was called Mr. Wonderful called today if you want to look at it.
Thinking he could be reasonable was where I got scolded on here ( nicely) and was told it was a control issue for me and my problem involved a motorcyle instead of a car. His mom is a huge enabler too. Her and I agreed she wouldn't buy the bike for him but now she wants too. I'd link you to that post but I don't know how!
Anyway, from what I have learned from my A, they feel like crap and that makes them angry and of course thier mind can't allow them to accept responsibility, therefore, we get blamed. Him reclaiming the car rather than helping you keep the house or anything that may help you or thier children is just another selfish act on his part. I think it is a way for them to look better and feel better about themselves. Normalcy would allow them to look at the big picture. Thier addiction only shows them a world that stops at the end of thier nose. I've noticed with the sleeping things, that this "nose" mechanism helps them to hide from and shield out the things that they should lose sleep about but can't due to lack of normalcy.

It is frustrating as H@LL but it is not our fault and as you know, you can't fix it. I feel sorry for them. I am glad to be out of my bubble. It is up to him to do that for himself. In the meantime, you step back too and look at yourself and the good things you do and the "normal" decisions you make that take care of you and your kids. That is all you can do right now. Try to stop thinking about the hows and why's of his world and be happy with the progress you've made and are making. We'll never figure them out completely and they don't even bother with us. So poo on him. Try to get some sleep tonight. I'm thinking of you!!! B

un4gvn acts

Free2be
You have to make the decision not to GO THERE! Flat out refuse to GO THERE with him. Allow him to live his life his way. Don't argue! Everytime I give in - I allow him to take my power & peace.

You say "He smokes pot everyday. He believes that I am out to ruin him."
In my own opinion smoking pot makes them paranoid! Paranoid about everything! Try to detach a little more set some boundaries not so much for him but to benefit you.
"I am the only person who has stuck by him through thick and thin, prison, parole, dwi's, court, abuse, lies, dealing steroids, cheating, affairs, totallying cars." You mean you where a codie & enabled him just like most of us out there! Don't beat yourself up! Let it go. Today is a new day & as long as you learn from the past you won't repeat those things in the future. Start living your life.
"How can he be so mean and hurtful." Because he is battling with his own demons & you are an easy target.
"How can he not trust me?" Deep down does his trust in you matter? Why don't you trust yourself?
"I don't want to reconcile at all!! It's totally over." Just a little reminder - the only thing that you really have to do today is JUST BREATHE!

Sorry if this is more like I am preaching to you.
I just want you to know that you have done nothing wrong-this is not your fault!
You did what you've done with what you had at the time!

Much LOVE
Sage

free2be

Thanks everyone B I did find your post lots of good advice that I can apply to myself and sage I didn't feel you were preaching. Today I am sad. In disbelief and disappoionted, yet again. I thought I had tougher skin. nope. not today anyway. Words can hurt sometimes. While he was home I was able to detach, his words, looks and actions didn't bother me. I just went about my business. ingnored him. He tells his mother and sister how he is going to be this great dad and he will take care of his children no matter what. I had faith that this was true. His priorities are very clear to me know. I am very blessed to have a wonderful supportive family who tell me to grow up when I need to. As well as great friends. And all you guys here. I did learn a lesson from this, a sad one, but a lesson none the less. I will not have any expectations of him, what he says and does are 2 totally seperate things. I don't believe he has any intention for the well being of his kids. It's all about him. he'll lie, use and cheat. this is who he is.

Nuudawn

(((free2be))). I feel your pain. Despite the fact that I have tremendous knowledge and insight because of my own alcoholism, I still feel the pain of my exAbf's behaviour, cruelty, lies, cheating and selfishness (things I'm sure I too was guilty of if ya asked him I guess). I did not cheat on him nor did I tell the whopping lies he threw out daily. At the end of our relationship, only days after telling me I was the one and his certainty of feelings, he dumped me uncerimoniously when I refused to go on a business trip with him. He went on a four day drunk/drug fest and then told me it was over. This is textbook alcoholic behaviour. Yet I still personalize when I know he is overwhelmed by addiction. The man does not cleave to his own children (which aren't mine)...or care for them with any responsiblity, nurturing or understanding...yet I wonder still how he could abandon me so easily; about his lies and fear inspired cruelty. If a person can't care for their own children, they certainly can't care for anyone else. This in insanity making business.

Your last line says it all "It's all about him..he'll lie, use and cheat". You're right. When in the active cycle of addiction, the addict can only see and feel his own pain and will do ANYTHING to satisfy his immediate needs..ANYTHING. Selfishness is the very heart of the affliction. We are wounded petulant children without recovery. Until we can love and care for ourselves we have NO IDEA how to do that for anyone else...it doesn't even enter our neighborhood of perception.

un4gvn acts

free2be

I hope that your tomorrow is better than today!
Try to have a good weekend. I will be thinking of you.

Hugs to you
Sage

MTBChick

Wow! I thought I was the only one having a crazy day today. I can't seem to stop crying today. I recived an email today that triggered me. Anywhoo, I don't want to post exactly what is troubling me b/c of "who" might read it. Is there anyone that I might be able to PM with to things through with.... I'm sure how I'm feeling right now others have felt before, and I'm probably sure my situation someone else can relate too.

Many THanks
~MTBChick