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A little down and would appreciate advice

Old 03-22-2007, 10:08 PM
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Recovering Nicely
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A little down and would appreciate advice

I started a thread before and somehow it got deleted. Anyway, tonite AH flat out lied to me. It's something that has been an issue for a month or so, and I brought it up tonite (while he appeared sober) and he lied to me. It's not a big lie, but it insults my intelligence, which really makes me angry. I see him for the A he is. He's a good father, grandfather, etc. but when my own husband lies and insults my intelligence, then I see him for the A he is, because that is A personality. He didnt want to discuss it, he's happy so we're all happy and twisted it to me. I know he got it when I said it insulted my intelligence, but he has to blame someone, again typical A. I am so tired in ways of living like this - but the truth is, I'm scared. I am spoiled, his salary (and part of mine) pays the bills, I have spend money, etc. I have a seasonal place in upstate NY and I was thihking of moving near there (where I live now aint cheap). But I would have to leave my job, leave my kids and grandkids, etc. and what if I don't find a job? But you know what, I'm not strong enough to stay till I sell my house and live with him drunk day in and day out, calling and coming to my job drunk. I am not cut out for this!!!!! If you read my previous posts, I have been thru alot in my life, but I was much younger than with a lot less to lose. Does anyone have any ideas, words of wisdom or advice they can offer me. I have to do it soon, or I'll be going thru this again in a few more months. Thanks guys.
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Old 03-22-2007, 10:26 PM
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Hi there Queen....well you could just start looking online for that job in the location you spoke of...call those places and get their fax numbers and get your resume to several places...start putting some money aside in an account privately...its slow but sure...

I remember when my XAH lied to me and you're right it does insult ones intelligence doesnt it? Why they do what they do we will never understand but it sucks...

I am sorry your feeling this pain tonight and I hope you find the strength to forge ahead because nuthin changes if nuthin changes....Its always hard when we hit our bottom before they hit theirs and the only advice I can give you right now is plan a course of action and stay the course hun...

((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))
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Old 03-22-2007, 10:48 PM
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janit, thank you so much for responding. I know your posts, and I know what you have been thru but you are sooooo much stronger than me. I don't know if I am up to planning a course of action, because now I can't act like all is good and if I don't he will drink so incredibly much and call me at work and not follow boundaries, etc. I had found a systern that worked for me at the time, I can't do that now. I really just want to run away and hide and get a much needed vacation from all this crap. But tonite, with that lie, I really realized how much more important my sanity is (and he kept trying to twist it, typical A way of thinking) and now I'm upset, and he's passed out (had to have beers, of course, cause I P**** him off - always an excuse) which is getting me more down - I have been with him 22 years or so, and you know what - the minute I leave my sister (who's addicted to ambien and uses it as a tranquilzer instead of sleep aid - like a bobble head) will try and snatch him up because she thinks he's so great and she is tired of working 70 hours a week and when he goes with her, it's really going to set me off because it's a kick in the A** to me from both of them. How can i make a plan of action and still live with him at the same time? I also have a lot (monetarily) to lose if i do something stupid. I swear, sometimes I think they have it easy, I wish I could lose myself in something and not have feelings about anything.
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Old 03-22-2007, 11:14 PM
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and another thing I was thinking is i've spent the last two or three years crying many a nights, Was there ever a night when he was hurt or upset? I am so sick of this, crying when he gets me like this (crying out of hurt or p*****dness) Yet I continue to be here. Why? Like I said I've been thru a lot in ny life, trust me, and I've made it. I'm just so scared and weak or something I guess it boils down to when me and my exh split up (he was physically abusive) he took it all, he even was supposed to re-register my car in his name and put insurance in his name and he never did and my license got revoked for three years plus I had to pay a big fine I always got the raw end of the deal and I don't want to let that happen now OMG, I'm so venting now and getting it all out, thanks so much for being there for me.
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Old 03-23-2007, 02:02 AM
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(((Queentree)))

It sounds like you kinda feel a little trapped right now.

I used to think that I needed to live here, or have this kind of stuff, live this type of life, because it was what I was used to having. To do without was too painful for me.

But as time went on, my inability to 'take the situation' anymore over-rode what I 'thought' I needed. In other words, I got sick and tired of being sick and tired and when that happened, the ONLY things that were important to me was my sanity and my safety. That's when I was able to have the courage (though still afraid) to do what I needed to do, at all costs.

I think Janitw gave some good ideas and insights how to plan and take baby steps towards your goals. You might also want to consider taking a weekend trip up to where you think you might want to live and check it out. If nothing pans out, at least it's a change of scenery for a few days, and, you'd be away from the situation and might find some answers that you are searching for.

And btw, it's ok to vent without taking action every once in awhile. I think when we vent, it prepares us to take the action that we need to. It's like we're getting it straight in our minds before we take the big step!

Hopefully tomorrow will look a little brighter for you.
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Old 03-23-2007, 05:39 AM
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I'm sorry to hear you are going through this, queen.

Have you thought about a one hour consult with an attorney? You might be surprised. That one step put my mind at ease and I was able to move forward with my plans. I had a lot of your same concerns.

Good luck with everything.
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Old 03-23-2007, 06:46 AM
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Hi All, I went to sleep at 4 a.m., and got up for work at 7 a.m., but I'm OK today. AH apologized this morning and expected me to just get over it, he said he was sorry, yes he lied, now let's move on. OK, fine, I will move on, move on to make a plan of action as you all suggested. If I don't lose my cool like I did last night (ridiculous that I was up so late while he was sleeping) and I take care of me, as I have really been trying to do, I will be OK. I am going to find out today how I can start taking classes to help battered women and/or families of alcoholics and then I can work at a job that I love for the next 20 years and support myself. As long as there is light at the end of the tunnel, I will be OK. Funny thing is, not only is my AH in denial about his alcoholism, this morning he twisted it to be all my fault, how I make something out of nothing like with his liver disease. He said "you always make more out of things, just like at the liver dr. you kept saying to him doesn't he have this, doesn't this mean that, what happens if he still drinks, when my liver is perfectly fine" (yet he was diagnosed with alcoholic liver disease and fibrosis, and the dr. wouldn't answer MY questions because AH is the patient and he didn't care). Talk about denial. Any ideas are still welcome. Thanks everyone.
QT
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Old 03-23-2007, 08:10 AM
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Sounds like you are getting into a better frame of mind QT.

May I suggest the following:

1. Consult with a divorce attorney to find out where you stand in this 22 year marriage. Usually or at least with many attorney's the first hour is free.

2. After doing that, check out the courses you need to take to be a certified therapist to help "battered women and/or families". Hopefully there will be night courses, that would further extend the time away from him.

Just doing those to things, then starting to take one of the courses, should help to give you the distance from him while you work on your plan of action.

Also, as suggested, try and save a little money out of each paycheck in a separate account, or in a safe deposit box.

New York is not a "Community Property State" so listen real carefully to what the attorney says about what you would be entitled to in a divorce. Since you are working and have been contributing, an attorney might be able to work out a deal where he get the house you are in now, and you get the property in upstate NY where you think you might want to move too.

All this of course is speculation, until YOU talk with an attorney, and YOU make a plan, and YOU start to, one step at a time, take action with your plan.

JMHO


In the meantime, please keep posting and let us know how you are doing, you already know we care very much!!!!

Love and hugs,
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Old 03-23-2007, 08:03 PM
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I was thinking about the Dr. not answering you, I wonder if they do that because your hubby doesn't have a living will?

Another thing, just my feeling, men seldom go to the Dr. if Dr. doesn't say what they want to hear the Dr. never gets a second chance, so they go easy till the patient becomes trusting, then the patient more apt to go if needed.

Not the most important part of your post, but it did hurt you and make you feel what? (many things, no doubt)

Sometimes there are reasons, is my take. I sure could be wrong.

Caring, understanding hugs
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Old 03-23-2007, 08:21 PM
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You are trapped no doubt about it....it is very hard to walk away when the rest of your life is good--he seems to be the only problem in it/...even women who have no life with the A stay--so don't be so hard on yourself. Make a plan and stick to it.What a waste it would be if a nice person like you spent every night crying into your pillow-and riddles with anxiety....you mat find that even though you have to sacrifice material things-it might be worth it just to find YOU again,,you would be suprized how much you can do without and still be happy---hang in there.....
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Old 03-23-2007, 08:40 PM
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You will know what is right for your life. It is so frustrating when we feel locked into a situation that doesn't feel good to us. But, you will know if you need to change your situation. Sometimes, it takes a long time for us to KNOW. But you wiill, just simply know. Take care of you. You know what is best.
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Old 03-23-2007, 10:12 PM
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Listen to your heart...Yes, at some level you do love him...How much do you love yourself...The Book says we ask ourselves..."Howimportant isit really, in terms of our episritual and emotional sobriety." It all says.."we are not doormats..."

You deserve better...you say spoiled..income..wherei s your faith right now? Do you know your HP will meet all your needs..He may provide a nice chunck of alimony....Do what you need to do for you...We carry the message... not the mess...

Did you do the best you could ..being he only Big Book he might ever read..? Marriage is supposed to be a parttnership...emotional, physical... supposed to support ech othe wile we make changes in ourselves...If that is nt happening...and the Sunlight of the Spirit is being blocked...then I think you already know the answer...


Love...Prayers...Hugs and Peace
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Old 03-23-2007, 11:21 PM
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Decisions and resolve nourish the soul. Taking classes? That's awesome. Like everyone here said...make plans, explore options, get excited about your life again. It's never too late to change course.

BTW, do you attend Al-anon?
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Old 03-24-2007, 05:44 AM
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Queen - sorry it took so long for me to get back to this thread but I had continuing ed in Covington the last couple of days....

Huney....you are not spoiled by his income you are trapped by it...like I was for 22 years !!!!

Take the classes and start living YOUR life - if he is in it then he's in it and if he's not - cuz he wont like the fact that you getting one..then he's not.

Like I said and many others here have said - start putting some money away and start there and it grows pretty fast - you'll see...

New York huh? Not a community property state..hmmm. Consult with an attorney and then sit back and contemplate what the MAN says...notice I say what the MAN says? Female attorneys in my opinion and it is just my opinion will have you settle for less than what you can get...I have no idea why - well yes I do but we wont go into that right now...take the time - all the time you need and decide what you want to do....it may be that once you start these classes the two of you wont be around each other very much and things subside for awhile for you and these classes will give you an education in alcoholoism as well as insight into HIS mind. He may after you start taking these classes resent it greatly that you are doing this and may take it out in anger....stay the course....stay the course....stay the course.

Don't buy into his manipulation tactics. after 22 years your spouse knows ALL of your buttons to push...well its time you got some new ones added. Ones that he hasnt figured out yet. Ones that when pushed - give YOU the upper hand and not him.

I noticed in this thread you mention that he has beer because he felt that you made him angry? I also noticed that he didnt lose one bit of sleep over it either did he? This was a flash back for me...so many many times my XAH caused arguments with me or the kids and then went straight to bed and was snoring in 5 minutes....when he awoke ususally in the very early a.m. he never apologized for any of it...just went along his merry little way and we all had to just suck it up and live with whatever he wanted to dish out....

I'm thinking of you today and just wanted you to know that sweetie.

Janit
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Old 03-24-2007, 11:54 AM
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You have shared..I am sure you already know..with this forum sharing automatically says..DUH! We are writing...Pray

Those ar th three things i was tolsd to do with any problem..Talk about it ..write about it Pray abou it...
Then write, talk, pray and then

write talk pray

You are dloing that...Now...trust the answer will come!!

Others have shared how the answer came for them...Yes, w alcohlics want instant gratrification and the answer NOW!! PLEASE GOD.

God, does not work on our ]time scedule,,God does not say how high when we say jump...
It is a tough one..waiting for the right answer, the right action,..
However..be comforted, grab a hold of the peace that comes with the promise of...The answer will come..Be ready.!!..It may not be what you want ...It will however be exactly what you need.
Lastly....When a door closes...turn around...there might be a window
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Old 03-24-2007, 12:03 PM
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Who said that NY was not a community property state? In NY if it was aquired during the marrige, it is considered community property. If it was owned prior to marriage or inherited, it is not community property. For instance, if you and your husband bought your house during the marriage, it is half yours.
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Old 03-24-2007, 05:15 PM
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Mallow here are the sites I got that from and that there are only 9 Community Property States:

http://taxes.about.com/od/taxglossar...nityProper.htm

http://www.escrowhelp.com/articles/20000114.html

http://www.divorcenet.com/states/nat...ision_by_state

The states are:

Arizona, California, Idaho, Louisiana, Nevada, New Mexico, Texas, Washington and Wisconsin.

And then here is a good site that discusses New York and ALL the ramifications:

http://www.divorcenet.com/states/new_york/nyfaq04

they call New York an Equitable Division of Property State, meaning the courts take everything into consideration, as in when property was purchased, how much was contributed by each, the ages of the individuals, how the property is titled, etc.

Hope that helps.................

Love and hugs,
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