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-   -   Recovering codie.....obsessing over possible new relationship. Help! (https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/118987-recovering-codie-obsessing-over-possible-new-relationship-help.html)

shutterbug 03-21-2007 09:03 PM

Recovering codie.....obsessing over possible new relationship. Help!
 
okay...Anyone know any good posts among the forums that talks about what a healthy relationship looks like in the beginning????

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A brief background...I first found this site and this forum 2-3 years ago when searching online for help dealing with a late-stage alcoholic. I nearly took my life over him on several occasions and fought the greatest struggle of my life, thus far, in getting myself (mainly my heart and my head) away from him. I've been working on ME ever since.

I'm in a better place now than I ever could have even dreamed of then and I have become very thankful for the "awakening" that brought me through hell and back.

----
So I've been on this self-discovery/awareness/healing journey for quite some time and with no relationships to really distract me. Several months ago, my brain decided it was time to start thinking about guys again. Oh bother.

That scares me!!!! (seeing how the last relationship is how I found this site to begin with)!!! If loneliness and heartful desires could be by-passed....i'd be happy living the rest of my life without ever trying to find a guy and a relationship that won't tear me down.

I guess i've had one eye on this guy who works in my new company for about 10 months now.....but just an eye....maybe even a half an eye. He was on my radar okay, but that was it.

Within the last month, somethings changed and it has progressed to where I am now thinking about him from the moment I wake until i go to sleep again. AHHHHHH!!!!! This is not good! Not good at all I tell you!!

I hate this. I finally just decided it was stupid to play the "guessing" game and I finally told him Monday that I like him and want to get to know him better. The fact that he didn't avoid me after that, but rather, he seemed to respond to my frankness....well, it didn't put me at ease like I would have thought. The next day, right of the bat he went right in for a very typical flirting tactic of purposefully bumping into me and squishing me between him and the doorway. It was quite obvious, but made me feel good to have gotten that kind of attention from someone i'm interested in.

And I've been on codie alert BIG-time and have yet to see any of the "red flags" in him. To me...the only red flag is that I'm attracted to him!!! I've only ever been attracted to the bad boys (mostly addicts)...and is why i've stayed away from men for several years now. I've been busy "re-wiring" my guy-radar, so to speak. So it's very possible he's an okay guy....but I can't be sure yet...it's too early.

The biggest thing is....I just want to know if he likes me or if he's just flirting with me the same as he flirts with many of the girls in the office.?? Something about the way he looks at me, or doesn't, makes me definetly feels like this is more than just him being is normally outgoing, awnry self, but I could easily be lying to myself too. I don't know and it's driving me up the wall!!

And I feel stupid for acting like a luv-sick teenager at 30...but I can't make myself stop thinking about him. And that alone make me think that even if he could have feelings for me...I need to run as fast as I can away from him.


Your thoughts, opinions or suggested online readings are MOST WELCOME!!! I'm in need of some codie wisdom...but please be gentle with me as i have a fragile sense of self-esteem.

Thanks and Hugs,
Jenna

denny57 03-21-2007 09:13 PM

Why not ask him out?

shutterbug 03-21-2007 09:27 PM

well....when I told him straight up that I liked him, I also told him if he ever wanted to hang out all he had to do was ask...he hasn't asked. I gave him an open door...

MsGolightly 03-21-2007 09:40 PM

jenna, i don't think it's necessarily a bad thing that you can't stop thinking about him! i totally wouldn't look at it that way at all. i'd be worried if you had already named your future child's name with him and you bought a puppy and named it after him... but STILL, it's having a crush! i remember having a crush in high school, even falling in love in college, and being totally obsessed with that person! and i would never have called myself codependent until my relationship with an alcoholic ... so don't think that just because you're going to be with someone else or have feelings for someone else, it's because you're turning codie again! your heart is just looking for something to grasp onto... it's called HOPE!

GOOD LUCK! i say ask him out! it's the only way to know if he is treating you differently than everyone else... at least getting his phone number wouldn't hurt! :)

ICU 03-22-2007 01:01 AM


Originally Posted by shutterbug (Post 1258094)
okay...Anyone know any good posts among the forums that talks about what a healthy relationship looks like in the beginning????

Jenna,

This was the only thing I could find that even remotely addresses your question. It talks about what a healthy relationship looks like, but deals more with an already established relationship, not what it looks like in the beginning. It might be useful down the road though, or as a check-list as things begin to progress....

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...tionships.html

I admire your desire to learn what 'it' looks like from the beginning....that's something I certainly have 'no experience' with, LOL!!

SaTiT 03-22-2007 02:09 AM

Hi shatterbug
Glad to see your posting. i don't have any advice
I've never ask a guy out before and not planing on it in this life time.

Maybe it's not you and just the circumstance
I've had many invitations from co-workers, some hints, some pretty
straight forward.
I didn't think it was a very good idea to date fe-males at the office
becuase of my posistion and if the relationship didn't work out,
the posisbilty of a sexual harrassment being toss out there.
I actually heard that my nick name was "johny paycheck".lol

I had a pretty laid back attitude at work when dealing with
co-worker or the ladies. I didn't want to exert my power, rather
I use charm and pretty much get on a kneeling posistion at their
desk, So they're looking down at me. Rather than standing over their
shoulder and telling them to get a task done. Honey attracts
bees...you know what i mean. I also made it a habit to compliment
the ladies everyday.

DefofLov 03-22-2007 04:42 AM

Dear Shutterbug,

I understand your fears. You don't want to lose yourself and the progress you have made thus far in a new relationship. Good for you!

However, now you must know the difference from liking someone and getting yourself in a bad situation. The fact that you are thinking beforehand is a great thing. Keep your radar on for those red flags. Listen to your woman's intuition.

The most important thing you can do is know yourself and your boundaries and stick to it. Know what you are willing to accept and what you are not willing to accept. This way you wont lose yourself in your intense attraction to him. One you have your boundaries and your "will and will not accept list" you can start dating and figuring out whether or not you can accept this guy into your life. The cool part about it...is once you get to know him, after a while...you get to decide if he is the one for you.

Let him show you his worth. You opened that door, now wait and see if walks through it. If he does, great...let time pass and find out if he is worthy of you. If he doesn't, that is fine too. I am more than sure that there is someone healthy out there who is willing to walk through that door.

Take it one step at a time dear.

~Def

newenglandgirl 03-22-2007 05:19 AM

Great question and thread Shutterbug. Thanks for posting:)
Me too....always have been attracted to addicts....something's gotta been done about that. I wonder if there's a book written especially on this subject?
I will look around. Thanks again for the topic. And I'm psyched for you...your crush sounds like fun:) I hope it blossoms for you:)

denny57 03-22-2007 07:50 AM


Originally Posted by shutterbug (Post 1258108)
well....when I told him straight up that I liked him, I also told him if he ever wanted to hang out all he had to do was ask...he hasn't asked. I gave him an open door...

Well, ask him! I'd make it a coffee outside the work environment. Less pressure.

Here's some other info to answer your original question:

http://www.uc.edu/cc/healthy.html

hope2bhappy 03-22-2007 08:21 AM


Originally Posted by shutterbug (Post 1258094)
And I feel stupid for acting like a luv-sick teenager at 30...but I can't make myself stop thinking about him.

We could send him a note during study hall :) Just kidding. I think it is great. Go for it!

atalose 03-22-2007 08:44 AM

My first thoughts are, you should be more concerned with your “red flags” of codieness then his at this point. I am glad to see you are working on your “re-wiring” and I’m sure it feels good to feel ready to move on and get involved again.
It seems you are having some obsessive thinking about him and when we obsessive about someone it brings about allot of questions which we codies want answered right away. We tend to push or force the other persons hand long before they are even ready to play cards. We want to make sure we are not going to get hurt at all costs so before we put our feet in the water we need reassurance that the other person is either already in the water or will be right next to us. We usually push for something, questions, motives etc. etc. and they are not even thinking about that yet. Your already having doubts and questions about his flirting with you and looking for it to be different then how he flirts with the others. My main concern here for you is that you work with him, it’s a high risk getting involved with someone you work with because what if it doesn’t work out? Are you strong enough to continue to work with him if you try a romantic relationship and it doesn’t work out?

I think at this stage you really don’t know anything about him or his dating history or what kind of relationships he’s had in the past. A part of getting to really know someone is spending quality time with them and that takes a while.

Is it possible to have lunches with him? Is it possible to find time at work to talk with him and get to know him? If you keep things casual and light while you are getting to know each other, there’s no big let down if either of you discover you wouldn’t want to pursue taking it beyond a co-worker type friendship.

It’s always when you have NO expectations about someone or a relationship that it works out for the best. But when you are constantly thinking about someone, obsessing per say, your bound to be disappointed either in them or yourself.

Cynay 03-22-2007 09:03 AM

You can look at the relationship form too...

Lots of good info in the stickies.

splendra 03-22-2007 10:05 AM

((((shutter-bug))))

I think obsessing is a red flag...I wouldn't touch him with a ten foot pole...

Ya something I have found out about men is if they want to be with you no matter how shy they seem they will usually make the first move.

If this guy is flirty thru out the office I consider that a red flag but, then that is just me...he sounds a little gamie to me from what you have said about him. We all have lessons to learn he might be a teacher...

TheGirlInside 03-22-2007 10:28 AM

Awesome Post!!
Thanks for those who provided links! I got to thinking that I was getting better at this relationship thing, but realize I still have a lot of character defects that get in the way of healthy relationships...this is something I could use as a refresher course from time to time, as well.

Shutterbug: I tend to agree with Splendra: if he's interested, it shouldn't be a mystery. Guys usually aren't that complex.

Nuudawn 03-22-2007 10:46 AM

Shutterbug,
I'm just thinking aloud here..but I find it interesting that you put your feelings "out there" for him to decide what to "do with". Ball is in his court so to speak. I get this feeling that when we do this sort of thing (and man I have done it frequently) we are selling ourselves short.... putting ourselves out there to be "judged" on little information. We too are "judging" on little information. We are putting our feelings out there to be validated or invalidated. I'm assuming you don't know this guy very well yet he has hijacked your head. Wouldn't it have been healthier to have asked the guy out for lunch or something. At least your "crush" could be either affirmed or dismissed one way or another. You'd have the opportunity to sit..and talk..find out about one another...and you could ascertain whether or not he is right for YOU.

Sunflower 03-22-2007 01:01 PM

Just be thankful you are able to have those feelings again about someone--don't rush--if its meant to be it will be...

un4gvn acts 03-22-2007 02:41 PM

Healthy Relationships

"Your partner wants you to realize your dreams and will do anything to help achieve them.

They are self-sufficient and complete human beings. If not, then you must neglect part of yourself in some way to compensate for their deficiency.

They take responsibility for their own happiness. It is not your job.

They donā€™t use negative tactics for getting their own way or dominating you. Criticism, put-downs, guilt, shame, intolerance, neglect, combativeness, aggression, and threat; the list goes on. Silence can be a negative tactic, if there is communication that needs to take place, and so can defensiveness.

When they speak to you, it is always with love, acceptance and approval.

They support and respect your ideas, beliefs and wishes no matter how different from their own.

Your self-esteem improves when you are together.

Your circle of friends grows.

They do little things to please you.

When something bothers you, they are truly concerned.

They help resolve problems.

They help you find time for yourself. Without this you will never grow.

They share in responsibilities, even with things that are unpleasant or mundane.

Your time is just as valuable as theirs.

They give you freedom to try new things, take chances and to make mistakes. Human beings are constantly evolving and are not meant to be caged physically, emotionally or psychologically.

In short, they provide the security, love and nurturing that is required for you to soar where life itself is wonderful and the relationships are an added bonus. Because you are willing to do the same for them, the relationship will continue to scale new heights while love, honor and respect grows deeper and broader."
~Peggy Walton

JessicaNAJ 03-22-2007 03:31 PM

A friend of mine (who isn't a CoDe) told me to not be a chaser. I too look for red-flags, but I look at myself first. I haven't really gotten too far :)

shutterbug 03-24-2007 05:04 PM

wow!!!! so much to digest!! You all rock!!! I'll keep you posted :))))

mushroom 03-24-2007 05:21 PM

The fact that you're obsessing is a red flag. And that he's flirting throughout the office too, and that he hasn't gone through the door you opened for him.

Most especially it's your own statement that your self esteem is fragile. How will you handle rejection? how will you be able to dish out rejection if necessary? Those are real hard to do and you need a healthy, strong sense of self esteem to do that. Don't go in the water without one.


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