Go Back  SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information > Friends and Family > Friends and Family of Alcoholics
Reload this Page >

Recovering codie.....obsessing over possible new relationship. Help!

Blogs


Notices

Recovering codie.....obsessing over possible new relationship. Help!

Old 03-24-2007, 07:18 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
A picture's worth a 1000 words
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder
Posts: 2,954
Blog Entries: 5
ICU...thanks for the link! It was actually one I had posted on more than a year ago! Weird

SaTiT....The co-worker thing does have me very nervous about the whole situation. And i find it very cool how you pay attention to the power you have and try to keep it even in the work place. That's really great.


Originally Posted by DefofLov View Post
Dear Shutterbug,

I understand your fears. You don't want to lose yourself and the progress you have made thus far................... The fact that you are thinking beforehand is a great thing. Keep your radar on for those red flags. Listen to your woman's intuition....................
Exactly...thanks.

Originally Posted by DefofLov View Post
The most important thing you can do is know yourself and your boundaries and stick to it. Know what you are willing to accept and what you are not willing to accept. This way you wont lose yourself in your intense attraction to him. One you have your boundaries and your "will and will not accept list" you can start dating and figuring out whether or not you can accept this guy into your life. The cool part about it...is once you get to know him, after a while...you get to decide if he is the one for you.
this is where i have the most problems....boundaries.
I try to set them....but the sticking to them part (especially when strong emotions are involved)...is usually harder to do than I have the strength for currently.

Originally Posted by DefofLov View Post
Let him show you his worth. You opened that door, now wait and see if walks through it. If he does, great...let time pass and find out if he is worthy of you. If he doesn't, that is fine too. I am more than sure that there is someone healthy out there who is willing to walk through that door.
In my "head"...I know how very true this is! But my heart is completely ignorant and daft. And waiting.....gosh....waiting is probably the thing i'm the absolute worst at. I'm having a hard time not writing him again...and giving him my number "just in case"

My woman's intuition...at first told me...OMGosh! He's so awsome...why did it take me nearly a year to even realize how fun and healthy and attractive he is!!!

Now...my intuition is telling me...well, not necessarily to run, but it's telling me to sit on my hands and shutup! And wait....no matter what...just wait because i'll probably see what "negative" part of him has caught my interest.
shutterbug is offline  
Old 03-24-2007, 07:25 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
A picture's worth a 1000 words
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder
Posts: 2,954
Blog Entries: 5
Originally Posted by newenglandgirl View Post
Me too....always have been attracted to addicts....something's gotta been done about that. I wonder if there's a book written especially on this subject?
I will look around. Thanks again for the topic. And I'm psyched for you...your crush sounds like fun I hope it blossoms for you

NewEnglandGirl, I suppose now might be a good time to dig my " Co-dependency No More" books back out and re-read them.

After I posted this thread the other night...I went home and found that I actually have a book on anxious/insecure/obsessive relationships that I'd never read!!

The crush was fun for about 3 weeks...until I started feeling a need to pin down if the crush is being recipricated in any way. Since then it's had me all kinds of stressed. And Friday, after he seemed to get depressed from my response to why I hadn't been my normal peppy self...well, my stomach was in knots for about 5 hours after that and it was almost all I could do to keep from throwing up! (I went through some very stressful life events a couple years ago...and now I just can't handle much of it any more)

At this point...I just wish my feelings/attraction for him would disappear.
shutterbug is offline  
Old 03-24-2007, 07:54 PM
  # 23 (permalink)  
A picture's worth a 1000 words
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder
Posts: 2,954
Blog Entries: 5
Originally Posted by denny57 View Post
Well, ask him! I'd make it a coffee outside the work environment. Less pressure.

Here's some other info to answer your original question:

http://www.uc.edu/cc/healthy.html

Thanks for the link!

Under the list of UNHEALTHY love..I think these may fit this situation:
Excessive fear of risk, change, or the unknown (me)
Being afraid of affection and closeness (me)
Cares with excessive detachment (me)
Very few truly intimate experiences
Giving indirect, evasive answers to questions (him)

(me, me and me) Learn to identify your own personal cues that you are being drawn into a power game, such as: feeling confused, guilty, uncomfortable, doubting yourself;

Under the list of HEALTHY love....(from what I know to this point anyway):
Allows for Individuality (him)
Has individual high self-esteem (him)
Expresses feelings spontaneously (him)
Welcomes affection and closeness (him)
...i don't know about any of the other stuff yet...


The pages lists the REFERENCES AS:

Is it Love or is it Addiction by Brenda Schaeffer
Co-dependent No More by Melody Beattie.

...i've not yet read the first...i'll definetly keep an eye out for that book!!
shutterbug is offline  
Old 03-24-2007, 08:05 PM
  # 24 (permalink)  
A picture's worth a 1000 words
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder
Posts: 2,954
Blog Entries: 5
Originally Posted by atalose View Post
My first thoughts are, you should be more concerned with your “red flags” of codieness then his at this point. I am glad to see you are working on your “re-wiring” and I’m sure it feels good to feel ready to move on and get involved again. .
you are very right...and I am very concerned about my own codie red flags...i truely DON'T feel ready to get involved again. I wish I could stop the thoughts about him that keep popping up in my head! I just want to continue focusing on my life....it's a lot safer and less stressful. My last relationship cost me so much and I'm scared to death of getting myself into anything even a 10th of what that ended up being.


Originally Posted by atalose View Post
It seems you are having some obsessive thinking about him and when we obsessive about someone it brings about allot of questions which we codies want answered right away. We tend to push or force the other persons hand long before they are even ready to play cards. We want to make sure we are not going to get hurt at all costs so before we put our feet in the water we need reassurance that the other person is either already in the water or will be right next to us. We usually push for something, questions, motives etc. etc. and they are not even thinking about that yet. Your already having doubts and questions about his flirting with you and looking for it to be different then how he flirts with the others. My main concern here for you is that you work with him, it’s a high risk getting involved with someone you work with because what if it doesn’t work out? Are you strong enough to continue to work with him if you try a romantic relationship and it doesn’t work out? .
Again, these words are right on the money. I'm extremely concerned about us working in the same company...and i do see my crazy push to pin down some answers...when all he is doing is flirting!

Originally Posted by atalose View Post
Is it possible to have lunches with him? Is it possible to find time at work to talk with him and get to know him? If you keep things casual and light while you are getting to know each other, there’s no big let down if either of you discover you wouldn’t want to pursue taking it beyond a co-worker type friendship..
I could ask him to lunch...but i don't want to do that. I could try to take a lunch where I actually eat in the breakroom (instead of my desk...as i've never taken a break in the breakroom), but i don't know if he even eats lunch in there either. And then, since i've never done that before...i'm sure it would seem obvious.

Over the last month we've talked at work quite a bit, but never more than a few minutes at a time...and always just joking around. Keeping things casual and light while getting to know each other....well, i know that's how it's suppose to be...it's just already gone beyond that for me and my stupid emotions. So at this point, I'll likely just avoid him from now on....as you are right...expectations can be deadly...and i've already got to many going thru my codie brain!
shutterbug is offline  
Old 03-24-2007, 08:09 PM
  # 25 (permalink)  
A picture's worth a 1000 words
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder
Posts: 2,954
Blog Entries: 5
Originally Posted by splendra View Post
((((shutter-bug))))

I think obsessing is a red flag...I wouldn't touch him with a ten foot pole...

Ya something I have found out about men is if they want to be with you no matter how shy they seem they will usually make the first move.

If this guy is flirty thru out the office I consider that a red flag but, then that is just me...he sounds a little gamie to me from what you have said about him. We all have lessons to learn he might be a teacher...

Thanks Splendra!
Another confirmation that my obsessing is a red flag...and that he's being gamie.

Now...the big question:

HOW DO I GET HIM OUT OF MY HEAD!???????!
shutterbug is offline  
Old 03-24-2007, 08:14 PM
  # 26 (permalink)  
A picture's worth a 1000 words
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder
Posts: 2,954
Blog Entries: 5
Originally Posted by Nuudawn View Post
Shutterbug,
I'm just thinking aloud here..but I find it interesting that you put your feelings "out there" for him to decide what to "do with". Ball is in his court so to speak. I get this feeling that when we do this sort of thing (and man I have done it frequently) we are selling ourselves short.... putting ourselves out there to be "judged" on little information. We too are "judging" on little information. We are putting our feelings out there to be validated or invalidated. I'm assuming you don't know this guy very well yet he has hijacked your head. Wouldn't it have been healthier to have asked the guy out for lunch or something. At least your "crush" could be either affirmed or dismissed one way or another. You'd have the opportunity to sit..and talk..find out about one another...and you could ascertain whether or not he is right for YOU.
NuuDawn...you too are so very right!
I am selling myself short...probably because of not have a best friend in my life for a while now and not having dated anyone in over 2 years...i'm lonely and that is hitting me super hard right now.

He's TOTALLY HIJACKED MY HEAD!!! What a perfect statement!

I'm surprised at myself for being as blunt with him this past week as I have...with telling him i like him and would like to hang out...and then yesterday that i'm attracted to him.

I'm totally pathetic. How is it I can tell him that crap, but couldn't ask him to lunch??!!
shutterbug is offline  
Old 03-24-2007, 08:18 PM
  # 27 (permalink)  
A picture's worth a 1000 words
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder
Posts: 2,954
Blog Entries: 5
Everyone else...i'm out of time to reply to individual posts...just please know that you have all helped me a great deal. I wish i would have posted and read all this BEFORE I told him anything! oh well....now i've just got to focus on turning off my brain and re-focusing on something more positive, productive and healthy for my life.

Giant Hugs to you all for your time and comments!!
Jenna
shutterbug is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 03:02 PM.