chero

You guys know I've been trying to take a hands-off approach to my AH and his drinking. Today was hard because usually his weekends start on Wed and well, it started today, a day early! It caught me off guard. I found out about it at noon. Anyway, I was really struggling to not do any of the normal stuff....question, complain, rant, beg, plead, search, call, you know the drill.

And well, here I am at home, he's in and out now of consciousness now. Wakes up mad at the world one minute and lovey-dovey the next. And I've still been doing okay. Not great but okay.

But my question is...I feel like I'm dying inside. I don't feel better at all. I know I handled it better but do I ever get to feel better??? Does it always hurt to do the right thing just like it hurt to do the wrong thing?

MsGolightly

chero, i really have no advice to give you since i'm not currently living with an active alcoholic, and my ex never drank when we were together, but i can understand your heartbreak and pain. but i'm wondering... do you not already feel better by not causing a fight, worrying, yelling about something you can't control? do you not have a little bit of peace of mind knowing there isn't anything you can do? i imagine it does get better, as many people here have been through similar situations... is there any way you can go rent a movie or hunt for a new book to read (something for yourself so you don't have to watch him fall apart like this)?

you sound like you know what the right thing to do is... i imagine as long as you follow your heart, it will get easier every day

SaTiT

short term... nope
long term....yes

A part of me died , the crazy sick part of me.

dollydo

This recovery thing, from co-dependency takes time and alot of resolve....there is no magic wand that's going to make everything ok instantly.

I've learned one thing about being a codie, when we see one little glimmer of hope we jump back in feet forward, and, we expect everything to be perfect in an instant...it doesn't work that way.

The only answer is to view his actions an arms length away. Go on with your life, amuse yourself, don't allow him to be your only amusement.

MsGolightly

boy, isn't that the truth?!

denny57

Depends. When I felt I was dying inside - and I did - I started to take a good hard look at my life. I went to Al-Anon. I entered therapy. Talked to our doctor. Put the focus on me. If all I was going to do was NOT react to the drinking, but also not find a life worth living, then what was the point? I might as well rant and rave. At least I'd feel "alive."

(((chero)))

newenglandgirl

What is making you stick around to deal with this drinking b.s.? It just sounds like a really crappy thing to have to deal with and be around all the time. I know, I lived with it myself. It sucks.

I suppose that the point when we can't tolerate it anymore is a totally individual tipping point.

I guess if you have decided to stay with him and put up with his drunken lifestyle, then the only sane choice you have is to "detach".

You not doing the normal freak-out on him tonight really saves you from more pain...because, as we all know, nothing we say to a drunk gets processed.
So it does no good; it won't change things; and it just depletes you.

I personally never understood the concept of staying in a crappy situation and trying to "detach". I know that, for me, once I "woke up" and realized how insane my life was...how sick my AH was...I couldn't go back "to sleep". But I did put up with a lot, for too long...so do not consider myself any sort of shining example! It's a personal decision...and I still grapple with it everyday.

I don't see how I could have ever felt better in anyway staying with my AH the way he was drinking and acting. No matter how I chose to deal with his drunken antics. It was just disgusting, pathetic, and heartbreaking. Whether I yelled or not, the reality of what my life had become (what I had to see and put up with) was extremely disturbing.

Do you think that you can actually get to a place where living with an active alcoholic doesn't make you feel like you are "dying inside"?

Mr. Christian

-You know when it starts to feel good?
When you have your life back and your away from the person that is doing this.


It's like a cancer, it will eat away at you till you remove it.

denny57

I am one of those who decided to leave because I felt I was dying. But yes, I do know people who have chosen to stay and live very happy lives. My personal take on it is because the behaviors of the alcoholic in their lives wasn't enough to tip the scales in favor of leaving. I do believe it's possible to detach with love from someone else's choices; then I find out what I'm about and what I want my life to be.

JMHO

free2be

I don't ever remember feeling better while in the moment. It would absolutly kill me. I would bite my tounge until it was almost bleeding.

It was the next day or a few days later. I would think back to myself about how I handled a situation. I'd pat myself on the back. Good job. Not great, but good.

chero

Well, this is a lot of information to soak in. I don't know what makes me stay. To not feel on pins and needles all the time sounds like the best dream ever! I don't know why I stay.

Today I saw a photo of the 'old' me. The me without worry or the stress of all this...whatever it is....in my life. I couldn't believe how I looked. I went and looked in the mirror and there were no signs of that person anywhere.
It makes me sad. I feel like 20 years older than all my friends.

best

Sure worked for me.
When she started doing the right things...I had (thought i had)no choice but to take action and my actions were to move out. When I moved out, my problems came with me. When I started dealing with my problems, I started finding recovery. Once I found recovery...her every action of doing things right came to light. I have a solid recovery these days and I strive to make her feel good about her every right action she took.

Short time...it hurts.
Long time... I hope to make it well worth her every effort she took.

Knowing what worked for me, the pain of short time doesn't hurt as much as it could when I need do the right thing for others in my family.
My pain for the short time just may be the thing that saves their life.

Sunflower

If you stay or if you go--thats up to you.I will be here for you whatever.....I wish if you stay you would at least do some things for yourself--if you can do that at least you will have a more peaceful life---sending happy thoughts your way chero---habg in there....

CatsPajamas

This is the suggested welcome that is read at most Al Anon meetings. The longer that I am in the program, the more I hold onto the promises that Al Anon gives.

"We welcome you to this Al-Anon Family Group Meeting, and hope you will find in this fellowship the help and friendship we have been privileged to enjoy. We who live, or have lived, with the problem of alcoholism understand as perhaps few others can. We, too, were lonely and frustrated but in Al-Anon we discover that no situation is really hopeless and that it is possible for us to find contentment and even happiness, whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not.

We urge you to try our program. It has helped many of us find solutions that lead to serenity. So much depends on our own attitudes, and as we learn to place our problem in its true perspective, we find it loses its power to dominate our thoughts and our lives. The family situation is bound to improve as we apply the Al-Anon ideas. Without such spiritual help living with an alcoholic is too much for most of us. Our thinking becomes distorted by trying to force solutions, and we become irritable and unreasonable without knowing it.

The Al-Anon program is based on the suggested Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, which we try, little by little, one day at a time, to apply to our lives along with our slogans and the Serenity Prayer. The loving interchange of help among members and daily reading of Al-Anon literature thus make us ready to receive the priceless gift of serenity. Al-Anon is an anonymous fellowship. Everything that is said here, in the group meeting and member-to-member, must be held in confidence. Only in this way can we feel free to say what is on our minds and in our hearts, for this is how we help one another in Al-Anon. "

chero

I love this, Cats! Thanks so much! I've got to do some more searching for meetings!! I want to try it, at least!!

Thanks, so much, guys! I actually ended up blowing it last night...by blowing up of course! The pressure was building and I guess that's why I should find something to do for myself...so I'll not blow and cause more problems! Live and learn, I guess???
I love all my SR buddies! , Cheryl

lovemypup

I detached and did well at it for years. He was drunk, I ignored him. Year after year after year. Well guess what, one day a time comes when you will say to yourself, I am sick of detaching. I want someone I dont have to detach from. I am sick of doing everything alone because I have to detach. I am tired of doing things with everyone else but my man. I am just sick and tired of being sick and tired. I was with this man for 30 yrs. I know what detaching is all about. Sure it can be done and be done for years, but is that the life you really want? Do you want to live all those years living with a man but actually being alone? Think about that.

LiLL

Hi Chero! For me, learning to detach from my AH's drinking makes me feel good in the way that we're not each other's enemy anymore. When my AH stopped seeing me as an enemy, he had to face his real enemy, the alcohol.

CatsPajamas

For me, detaching led to healing. I decided to take care of myself, and the healing began. When I was no longer enmeshed in HIS stuff, he slowly began to take ownership of his life, his choices and his consequences.

Some relationships survive, and some don't. It's that way when you're dealing with illness or disease, with jobs that keep you apart, or with alcoholism and addiction. Some relationships survive, and some don't.

Detachment has served me well in every aspect of my life beyond my relationship with my spouse or significant other- with my mom and brothers, with my sons, with my extended family, friends, with my co workers, with the check out clerk at the store....

Detachment lets us step back from the whirling dervish that could become chaos and allows us to determine what is and is not our part. If it's not our deal, then we allow others the dignity to resolve their issues on their own.


Hugs
Cat

mallowcup

Something has to die before something can be born again. It isn't you that's dying, it's a union that's dying. I think this brings the total visceral meaning of death. When something is undeniably lifeless, something that you still love.
I think we anticipate that when it's over, the love will be gone.
What ever happened to black and white? Everything is s different shade of gray.
We love so hard. Life with an alcoholic, over time, requires everything. When that death enters, you can't stop it and you realize that without him, you have nothing, you gave it all up along the way. There is nothing but him.
This pain has to happen for you to get better.
In a very real way for me, I now realize that I wasn't sure I'd come out the other side. I did. That pain is the birth pangs of a new you.
I think it is the pain required to save yourself.
I think pain is the vehicle that your new life comes in, because nothing short of this degree of pain has motivated you save yourself.
I know how you feel, I really really do, I hate remembering it.
What you don't know yet, and I promise this is true, the very best is yet to come.

ICU

Wow Mallowcup! I've never seen so many 'lightbulb moment' quotes in one post before! I'm adding these to my quotes list!

I have found that everything you have said here to be so true of me in my previous situation, and, in my life of recovery since then.

Thanks!