WhatAboutME

I posted last week about how my AH had been staying with this woman he met in rehab on a so-called business trip. Anyway, to make a long and tedious story short, I ended up meeting this woman face-to-face. It turns out she herself was involved with a very abusive AB before she succumbed to her own addiciton. Anyway, although my AH's behavior was absolutely inexcusable, I don't believe anything romantic or physical went on between them. I guess I could be wrong, but I don't even have enough energy left to ponder this possibility anymore. He's going back to rehb tomorrow and can deal with his action and consequences when he sobers up.

The good news...She gave me a copy of the book "Codependent No More". I'm only on page 84 and I believe this book may very well change my life. I am every stereotypical example exhibiting every listed trait of a codependent in that book! And like I said, I'm only on page 84. All of this time I thought I was controlling him and his drinking, and he's the one who who's really controlling me. When I think about it, every reason/consequence I have used as justification to control him (to not lose his job, etc.) has happened anyway. Sure, maybe I "delayed" him losing his job by a few weeks or months, but it was bound to happen anyway. And all of the times I hid the keys to his car so he wouldn't drive, yeah he totalled his car over the weekend. I have controlled absolutely NOTHING and made myself completely crazy in the mean time.

This book is a blessing and a relief from the insanity!

dollydo

Whoo, Hoo! This is one great book, keep turning the pages, and when you are done, read it again.

lillian

i'm glad you found something to help- this reminds me though of a really bad experience i had- when my husband had an affair out of rehab with someone in AA, she denied the affair and gave me self help books, too- she and my husband pretended to empathize with me, and encouraged me to go to alanon and deal with my issues, when actually i didn't even have a tenth of the suspicion compared to what was really going on with them. i thought i was going crazy, and i apologized to them about my behavior-- thought i just didn't understand AA- but they preyed on me- my instincts were right. and sober or no, it isn;t right to sneak away and stay with a woman on a "so-called" business trip- i assume your use of quotes means he had lied about it. he lied for a reason. i'm not saying your situation is like mine was-- only be careful- i was SO ready to blame myself, to think my concerns about him and this woman were a result of my alanonism- but i'd never been jealous of him before, and again,my instincts were right. {this isn't to say i didn't need alanon,or that i wasn't crazy- but i wasn't crazy about them. don't you think it's weird/condescending that she gave you that book? coming from someone else, okay, but from this woman who had your husband with her overnight?] now i wish i'd set boundaries about him and i working on our relationship, him not seeing this woman- he would have gone off and done it anyway, but at least i wouldn't have months of thinking i was crazy and beating myself up, and have the shame of letting myself be walked on with my eyes open. good luck!

Cynay

It is a great book.... when you done with it buy beyond Co-Dependency ( think its called)

I pray it does change your life.

WhatAboutME

You know, it was a long weekend and much more went on than I can even get into here. I guess in the context of what was happening, it didn't feel weird that she gave me the book, and even now, I don't feel "taken" by her or him. I am thankful I got the book, from whoever, because at this point I feel like I am on the verge of an emotional break. It turns out he did conduct "business", but he stayed w/ her as opposed to in a hotel as he said he was going to. And then, after the meeting, several days of binge drinking. This is truly the first time that I have had any reason (that I know of) to doubt his fidelity. Could he/they be lying to me? Absolutely. Right now, I don't care. The best way I could describe my AH's current rate of progression is to compare him to Nicholas Cage's character in "Leaving Las Vegas". No exaggeration. And at this rate, neither one of us will have to worry about him for much longer. I'm glad he's going back to treatment tomorrow, and then I will sort out my feelings and deal w/ me/us - If there is any of "us" left to even deal with.

It's weird because as frantic as I was when he was gone/staying with her, right now I just don't care. I know I will have to deal w/ these feelings sooner than later, but right now....No. I just need a break. From him. From his drinking. From his lying. From ALL of his problems. I just need a break. And I think that book will put me on the right path to some type of peace.

lillian

i'm sorry about your husband, and about what you're going through. it sounds like you are doing the right thingsto take care of yourself. good luck.

socalgal

Great book. I have to admit that it was pretty humbling to identify with so many of the traits in the lists. I always thought my husband was the controlling one, etc. (I am the recovering AW). Turns out I am just as codependent as he is LOL.

It was a sort of relief, though, to make that painful discovery I could finally see what I needed to start doing. Putting it into practice is another story. I have begun to experience a new sense of peace and freedom as I "slowly" release my grip on the universe. It is nice to not have the anxiety and general sense of dread.

I wish for you the same peace... serenity.

Maybe while your husbands in rehab you can finish the book and get some respite from things.

Take care,
-K

MsGolightly

WAM - look how far you've come since your posts last week! i can already tell how much confidence and clarity you've gained, and to me, it sounds like you're doing the right thing and staying strong (for yourself) along the way. i admire you, and everyone else, who knows how to look into themselves and recognize what you did/didn't do and how well it worked... and to learn from this craziness. awesome!

denny57

I hope so. It was one of the things that led me to serenity. It was just a huge relief to find out all his problems had nothing to do with me.

Good luck and much peace.

Sunflower

so happy for you---enjoy and learn all you can.....