Keeping it a secret?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Backwoods, PA
Posts: 223
Keeping it a secret?
I spent the weekend away from my A. Wasn't thrilled about going to my mother's, as she can be very manipulative and demanding, but at least I was safe. I love this home and these dogs and the neighbors, but I can't stand the insanity of living with his abuse anymore.
When he started on Saturday afternoon, I just told him that I hate the weekends with him and I'm sick and tired of being the one who he takes out all of his drunken frustrations on. He's an incredibly angry man and the alcohol makes it even worse. I know that I don't have to pay for his childhood and I'm not going to do it anymore. I did take responsibility for myself and my dog. That is why I was gone all weekend. And I told him that unless he got counseling, I would be leaving. He said, "Absolutely not, because they told him the last time that he had to quit drinking." So until I can find a place to live, I will be exiting the premises every time that he starts to get drunk.
This is my question: WHY IS IT THAT HIS ONLY REAL CONCERN IS THAT NO ONE ELSE KNOWS HE'S ABUSIVE. HE IS MORE PISSED OFF THAT NOW MY MOTHER KNOWS I HAVE TO GET AWAY FROM HIM. DO ANY OF YOU KEEP IT A SECRET?
When he started on Saturday afternoon, I just told him that I hate the weekends with him and I'm sick and tired of being the one who he takes out all of his drunken frustrations on. He's an incredibly angry man and the alcohol makes it even worse. I know that I don't have to pay for his childhood and I'm not going to do it anymore. I did take responsibility for myself and my dog. That is why I was gone all weekend. And I told him that unless he got counseling, I would be leaving. He said, "Absolutely not, because they told him the last time that he had to quit drinking." So until I can find a place to live, I will be exiting the premises every time that he starts to get drunk.
This is my question: WHY IS IT THAT HIS ONLY REAL CONCERN IS THAT NO ONE ELSE KNOWS HE'S ABUSIVE. HE IS MORE PISSED OFF THAT NOW MY MOTHER KNOWS I HAVE TO GET AWAY FROM HIM. DO ANY OF YOU KEEP IT A SECRET?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,351
Oh boy do I know this one....first off sorry for all your pain and anxiety....
The abusive husband controls you---keeps you isolated from your friends and family--I DID keep it a secret for a time as back then I thought-I must not be good enough or strong enough--I made him do it---he will get better......
Sure he doesn't want anyone to know!!!! Once the people that care about you find out--he will lose---as they will want to get you out of this situation asap.
Once I started to share with my friends--then my family I was gone---they made sure of it.He lost control.
Do you know what the men you know around you will think once they find this out??????He will not be able to show his face again///
this may be good for you to do--keep the dog though..........
The abusive husband controls you---keeps you isolated from your friends and family--I DID keep it a secret for a time as back then I thought-I must not be good enough or strong enough--I made him do it---he will get better......
Sure he doesn't want anyone to know!!!! Once the people that care about you find out--he will lose---as they will want to get you out of this situation asap.
Once I started to share with my friends--then my family I was gone---they made sure of it.He lost control.
Do you know what the men you know around you will think once they find this out??????He will not be able to show his face again///
this may be good for you to do--keep the dog though..........
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: By the sea
Posts: 415
Hey there (((Grace))). Lots of hugs to you sweetie...you are facing some very tough things here. But you sound right on track in many ways. Please make sure to take necessary precautions to keep yourself safe.
I agree with Frizzy about why we often feel the need to keep it secret...I kept it secret for a long time too.
My secret was a huge burden, but I thought (at the time) that it was the right thing to do. I was SO ashamed and SO scared about people finding out. But eventually, the burden of having such a huge secret and the isolation that goes along with living like that just got to be way too much for me to handle on my own. I finally broke down and told my family everything. It was a huge relief. And they have been an endless source of support since. I've told some friends and co-workers too. I have come along a way in the sense that I don't feel ashamed like I used to...I didn't do anything wrong...AH did. I needed help and support, so I told people who care about me. I also started seeing a therapist, who has helped me immensely.
I think a part of why I felt the need to keep it secret was because I was still in denial about the severity of the problem. I thought that it was only a matter of time before my AH stopped drinking and that all the craziness would be water under the bridge. So I didn't want everyone to know, and then have them hold it against him and me later on. I was in serious denial of how bad things were. I started to realize how crazy my life was when I started reading the posts and stickies here at SR. I started to come to terms with the fact that my husband was a textbook case alcoholic. It was like a freight train hit my brain. And then light started pouring in...and I couldn't close the shades anymore.
Frizzy's so right...your friends, family, therapist, co-workers, etc. will help you get strong and keep gone. You deserve the support. I remember when I was still trying to decide whether to keep it all secret or not, my therapist reminded me that telling was for ME, not him. It had nothing to do with him. It was necessary in order to get me the kind of support I needed to go through such a terrible thing.
I agree with Frizzy about why we often feel the need to keep it secret...I kept it secret for a long time too.
My secret was a huge burden, but I thought (at the time) that it was the right thing to do. I was SO ashamed and SO scared about people finding out. But eventually, the burden of having such a huge secret and the isolation that goes along with living like that just got to be way too much for me to handle on my own. I finally broke down and told my family everything. It was a huge relief. And they have been an endless source of support since. I've told some friends and co-workers too. I have come along a way in the sense that I don't feel ashamed like I used to...I didn't do anything wrong...AH did. I needed help and support, so I told people who care about me. I also started seeing a therapist, who has helped me immensely.
I think a part of why I felt the need to keep it secret was because I was still in denial about the severity of the problem. I thought that it was only a matter of time before my AH stopped drinking and that all the craziness would be water under the bridge. So I didn't want everyone to know, and then have them hold it against him and me later on. I was in serious denial of how bad things were. I started to realize how crazy my life was when I started reading the posts and stickies here at SR. I started to come to terms with the fact that my husband was a textbook case alcoholic. It was like a freight train hit my brain. And then light started pouring in...and I couldn't close the shades anymore.
Frizzy's so right...your friends, family, therapist, co-workers, etc. will help you get strong and keep gone. You deserve the support. I remember when I was still trying to decide whether to keep it all secret or not, my therapist reminded me that telling was for ME, not him. It had nothing to do with him. It was necessary in order to get me the kind of support I needed to go through such a terrible thing.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,358
It stands to reason he or any abusive person would not want that to be public knowledge. By other people knowing, it empowers you, and it lessens his hold on you and threatens his credibility.
I kept it a secret for awhile because I was to busy looking at what I had 'supposedly' done to provoke him. I kept the focus on me, but not in a healthy way, that's for sure.
Eventually, as I became more horrified at his behavior, it was too much to keep inside. Something inside of me said that I needed to tell, but I was very selective in who I told.
I also didn't tell him of any of my plans....if you do this, I will do that. It gave him too much power and it jeopardized my safety.
I'm glad you have a plan for when you need to leave and are using it.
I kept it a secret for awhile because I was to busy looking at what I had 'supposedly' done to provoke him. I kept the focus on me, but not in a healthy way, that's for sure.
Eventually, as I became more horrified at his behavior, it was too much to keep inside. Something inside of me said that I needed to tell, but I was very selective in who I told.
I also didn't tell him of any of my plans....if you do this, I will do that. It gave him too much power and it jeopardized my safety.
I'm glad you have a plan for when you need to leave and are using it.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Yep... I kept it a secret for most of my life.
When I was a child I kept my Mothers Addiction a secret because I did not want them to take me away... I lied and hid the burns/brusies and made up every excuse in the book.... If they took me when who would take care of my little sister? I would have been seperated from the only family I had known... and regardless of what is happening.... Children love there family.
As an Adult I kept it secret because I did not want people to judge us, I did not want to hear how I needed to leave, what a horrible person he was, how stupid I was for not leaving.... I was not ready. I did not want my daughters family (aunts uncles inlaws) etc to reject me because oviously I had to be wrong about their son, brother etc.... I did not want to be alone and rejected by his family and I did not want to face the failure I felt I would be labled with my family.
I did not want to be a single Mom and take on all the responsibility for raising a child... my self esteem was pretty low at that time and I struggled with the critizism of taking a child away from her father and ending a marriage... etc.
Guess those are alot of the reasons I struggled to keep the secret, unfortunally in time it will come out anyway, but the journey through that is not an easy one to take....
Do you know that today I have very little contact with my brother because he still jokes about how I can not stay in a relationship/marriage.... he is also the one that says Im not really a parent because I only have one child... Sad how the disease can isolate even when we are in recovery.
When I was a child I kept my Mothers Addiction a secret because I did not want them to take me away... I lied and hid the burns/brusies and made up every excuse in the book.... If they took me when who would take care of my little sister? I would have been seperated from the only family I had known... and regardless of what is happening.... Children love there family.
As an Adult I kept it secret because I did not want people to judge us, I did not want to hear how I needed to leave, what a horrible person he was, how stupid I was for not leaving.... I was not ready. I did not want my daughters family (aunts uncles inlaws) etc to reject me because oviously I had to be wrong about their son, brother etc.... I did not want to be alone and rejected by his family and I did not want to face the failure I felt I would be labled with my family.
I did not want to be a single Mom and take on all the responsibility for raising a child... my self esteem was pretty low at that time and I struggled with the critizism of taking a child away from her father and ending a marriage... etc.
Guess those are alot of the reasons I struggled to keep the secret, unfortunally in time it will come out anyway, but the journey through that is not an easy one to take....
Do you know that today I have very little contact with my brother because he still jokes about how I can not stay in a relationship/marriage.... he is also the one that says Im not really a parent because I only have one child... Sad how the disease can isolate even when we are in recovery.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
I think if no one knows(everyone already knows) and he can keep you in line, there's no problem. Once people start finding out, he has to try and explain it and he can't. His crap doesn't float with other people. People who love you are going to throw a big monkey wrench in his situation.
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
Grace,
The reason they want to keep it secret is so they can keep their power over you.
Earthworm
The reason they want to keep it secret is so they can keep their power over you.
Earthworm
Originally Posted by Grace 
I spent the weekend away from my A. Wasn't thrilled about going to my mother's, as she can be very manipulative and demanding, but at least I was safe. I love this home and these dogs and the neighbors, but I can't stand the insanity of living with his abuse anymore.
When he started on Saturday afternoon, I just told him that I hate the weekends with him and I'm sick and tired of being the one who he takes out all of his drunken frustrations on. He's an incredibly angry man and the alcohol makes it even worse. I know that I don't have to pay for his childhood and I'm not going to do it anymore. I did take responsibility for myself and my dog. That is why I was gone all weekend. And I told him that unless he got counseling, I would be leaving. He said, "Absolutely not, because they told him the last time that he had to quit drinking." So until I can find a place to live, I will be exiting the premises every time that he starts to get drunk.
This is my question: WHY IS IT THAT HIS ONLY REAL CONCERN IS THAT NO ONE ELSE KNOWS HE'S ABUSIVE. HE IS MORE PISSED OFF THAT NOW MY MOTHER KNOWS I HAVE TO GET AWAY FROM HIM. DO ANY OF YOU KEEP IT A SECRET?
When he started on Saturday afternoon, I just told him that I hate the weekends with him and I'm sick and tired of being the one who he takes out all of his drunken frustrations on. He's an incredibly angry man and the alcohol makes it even worse. I know that I don't have to pay for his childhood and I'm not going to do it anymore. I did take responsibility for myself and my dog. That is why I was gone all weekend. And I told him that unless he got counseling, I would be leaving. He said, "Absolutely not, because they told him the last time that he had to quit drinking." So until I can find a place to live, I will be exiting the premises every time that he starts to get drunk.
This is my question: WHY IS IT THAT HIS ONLY REAL CONCERN IS THAT NO ONE ELSE KNOWS HE'S ABUSIVE. HE IS MORE PISSED OFF THAT NOW MY MOTHER KNOWS I HAVE TO GET AWAY FROM HIM. DO ANY OF YOU KEEP IT A SECRET?
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: over yonder
Posts: 1,548
Grace, might I suggest you leave your dog with your parents, it will be safe and you can leave faster. So sorry you have to go thru this.
Do you think you are ready to leave? I, if ready to leave would try to find a shelter to go to. Just a suggestion.
Wanting the best for you and caring hugs to you all.
Do you think you are ready to leave? I, if ready to leave would try to find a shelter to go to. Just a suggestion.
Wanting the best for you and caring hugs to you all.
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
Grace,
Keep yourself safe.
If you are ready to take a step conside rlooking for the nearest shelter to leave to. If you are not ready to leave find ways to keep yourself safe./
I hope you will make it out one day.
Earthworm
Keep yourself safe.
If you are ready to take a step conside rlooking for the nearest shelter to leave to. If you are not ready to leave find ways to keep yourself safe./
I hope you will make it out one day.
Earthworm
full of hope
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 1,170
This is sooo a subject I'm familiar with! I've kept it a secret for soooo long! And then the arrest...and I thought I would die! And so now people know. Some people but not everybody in my life. With every arrest more people know. But, it's hard to bring up, ya know? My thoughts on it are...The people that matter don't mind and the people that mind don't matter!
My AH hates it that people know...but my thoughts on that is then quit doing it. Do I want everybody to know? No way! But the people who love me...well, they love me no matter what! And the people who judge me their opinion just doesn't matter. I don't have time to worry about it anymore!
My AH hates it that people know...but my thoughts on that is then quit doing it. Do I want everybody to know? No way! But the people who love me...well, they love me no matter what! And the people who judge me their opinion just doesn't matter. I don't have time to worry about it anymore!
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