just breathe

I'm 36 years old and have been married for 13 years and I have 4 beautiful children ages 22 months, 4, 6, and 9 and what a story I have. I am looking for some insight and reassurance. My husband has always had a problem with drinking- it wasn't until about 2 years ago things got really bad. Needless to say he turned into an alcholohic. Due to his drinking we lost everything that we had. Our car (repo), his job (I was/am a stay at home mom) our house (we got evicted-in that process our landlord stole ALL of our belongings- including my childrens things. I took her to court but I couldnt prove it "within a reasonable doubt"so I lost.I left and he did stop drinking and my parents were kind enough to take us ALL in. He hasn't had a drink since. He admitted he was an alcholic and that he screwed things up. I fought so hard to keep us together and keep our marriage in tack. He got a new job and works so hard for us. I began trusting him. I was able to love him again. So, a year has gone by and what do I find in his coat pocket- weed. I approaced him and brushed me off. I told him how I felt. I told him how when he drank I almost had a nervous breakdown- my parents had to help me take care of the children because I was so distraught. He still brushed me off. He called pot "glorified Benadryl". So I began losing trust and I began snooping again- I would find more and more pot. The bottom fell out when I found a lot of weed- well to me anyway. It was enough to fill a coffee mug. I again had a talk to him. He told me to "just deal". So I threw him out. He won't leave. He says that I'm uptight. It's all my fault. I'm destroying our family. The kids will hate me. I tried to ignore it. I tried to turn a blind eye but I just couldn't. Now what. I feel so guilty. I love him and hate him. I told my mother and she is devasted. She wants me to divorce him. I know he has an addiction problem and he is now going from one addiciton to another. How could he do this? Our lives were finally getting somewhat better. He is detroying our family. I told him to go to AA but he refuses. I know I can't force him to get help. But now what? What am I to do? It hurts so bad- I see his face everywhere- I am reminded of him all the time. One minute I want to fight for all that we have and the next I just want him out of my life. Am I going crazy? Will Al-ALon help me?

denny57

Hi Just Breathe, glad you're here!

Al-Anon helped me. There are tons of options out there - I just didn't see them, mostly due to my fear.

The love/hate thing is common. It seems it often boils down to a choice of stay or go. I thought in black and white a lot. There are other choices.

Read the stickys here and keep posting - there is help!

Pick-a-name

Just Breathe: Hello! I am so glad you "found" us. This place has been such a great help for me.

(gotta go now...back soon)

Missy

Just Breathe: an appropriate name for you and take your own advice.

Think of you and those kids. Read and people will be along soon.

I cant write too much now.. going through my own "stuff" but still lurk around here which sure does help.... and al-anon and a sponsor is a great prescription.
missy xo

WantsOut

Hi JB- You know what bothers me most about your story is not that he smoked weed, but his flippant response to you about it. After all he's put you through you'd think that, even if he believed all that stuff he's saying, that he'd stop out of respect for you.

Also the things he's saying like you're destroying the family and the kids will hate you - major manipulation. Very nasty.

I think you already know what you want to do.

Keep posting

StandingStrong

Well, you have approached him with your concerns and worries and he 'blows you off'. In a relationship, it takes two people to make things work. Imagine that your husband wasn't an addict - you'd still very unimportant at this point as he's not validating your feelings and he's selfishly just telling you to "deal" with the pain he's causing you. That is not a healthy relationship.

I guess what I am trying to say is that you have no reason to feel that you didn't try, you have no reason to feel guilty, etc. He has chosen to do drugs - and now it's your choice if you choose to stay with a man who does what he does and treats you as he does.

Yes, Alanon may help you. So might reading the book 'Codependant no more' by Melody Beattie.

Welcome to SR. I'm glad you found your way here as you will find much support and understanding.

Godhelpme

Hi, JB. So sorry you have a need to be here, but glad you found us and are reaching out.

Unfortunately, he's going to do what he wants to do, regardless of what you wish for him.

There's lots of great information on the "stickies" at the top of this forum. Read there and keep posting here. Alanon is a good place to connect with others face-to-face who are in a similiar position as yours, as well as those who've been there and found a way to make life better for themselves.

We're here for you.

peace,
ghm

Seeking Wisdom

Welcome ..
So sorry to hear what you are going through. So many of us have been through similar situations. Having 4 small children to care for makes it especially tough as you try to cope with the roller coaster of ups and downs of being married to an addict. You have to deal with children to support and giving up on the dream of having a father to help support and care for them. My own Ahusband finally stopped drinking for 2 years ... and then at the time when the trust returned, our finances had made a big improvement, we were able to take our first real wonderful vacation with our kids and everything in our lives was looking better than it had in years.... he started drinking again. It just proved to me that all his complaining about personal, financial and job stress was just an excuse to drink .. not the reason! He drank because he was addicted to alcohol ... not because of all the excuses he had given for years.
You are blessed to have caring and supportive parents to provide a safefy net for your family. Keep coming back and get all the support you can!

just breathe

Thank you- I feel so bad now. I hurt all over. Deep down it is not even about the pot- it's about the trust. How can I love a man whom I can not trust? How can a plan for a future when I am just waiting for the bottom to fall out? How do I trust him ever again? Now HE wants a divorce. HE can't "deal" with me and my mistrust and accusations. HE can't take it anymore. He says he loves me and the kids more than life itself. I don't see him fighting for us. He's not even addressing the idea of therapy. I am so mixed up. One minute I love him and the next I hate him. I'm afraid I will just die of heartbreak. I just want everything to be perfect- but I know they won't be. I am so at a loss. I feel like I am losing my mind. I'm trying to take it one minute at a time- but I find it so hard. I want to just crawl in bed and pull the covers over my head and not see the light of day for a year! Oh, what to do.

lilac

(((hugs to you)))

And welcome to SR ! This site, along with al-anon have truly saved me.

Hope to get to know you better.

chero

Breathe, Welcome to SR. This site is amazing and there is great advice on here. Someone recommended reading the stickies...I highly recommend them. I avoided them for the first couple of weeks and once I read them they really helped me!

My AH has been drinking just about forever and sometimes I feel like the other women in our marriage...alcohol being the first. It's a tough place to be.

I'm praying for you! Please keep us posted and keep putting one foot in front of the other! You can survive this!
Much love, Cheryl

un4gvn acts

Just Breathe - I would go to an Al Anon meeting. Read some literature on detachment. When I went to Alanon I had a love/hate with my AH. Now I have the tools that I need to decide what is best for me & my family. You love him but hate what he does --- this was me too! I feel so much better now that I am detached from his addictions. I can finally breathe!
Keep posting it will help so much! We are all here for ya!
Sage

Bjen

Hi there!! Glad you are here. I have to get back to work so I'll write more soon. Just keep coming back and reading and posting whatever you feel. This is a good place to sort your feelings out and not get judged. Finding others that understand is a wonderful feeling.!! Hang in there!!

Sunflower

I find the whole "pot'thing interesting as I am 49 and I have friends--married with good jobs-kids etc...who do smoke it on a regular basis. Yes it is illegal--make me wonder why alcohol IS legal?Seems a lot more dangerous to me.
Still I think you are right to nip this in the bud--very strong of you-I think its the same story
I CAN drink-I am not an Alcoholic
but the alcoholic is predeposed to addictions of
any kind--so the pot is just replacing the alcohol for him and will become an issue no doubt......be strong--hold your ground...

just breathe

Yes, I too had mixed emotions of the whole "pot" thing myself. I smoked in college. But he has problems with addictive substances. He never learned how to deal with life without something to help him get by. His whole family thinks that drinking is the answer to everything. I do just want to nip it in the bud. He needs to face life head on so to speak and learn to deal with it without any vices. Or at least try some healthy vices, running, eating good, reading the bible. I still don't know where my marriage stands. He said he would go to marriage counsling- I just don't know if I am wasting my time. I just take a deep breath and pray and take this one minute at a time. Thank you to all who have resonded. Your words of insight have helped me to know that I am not alone and give me such comfort. Thank you.

Sunflower

seeing a professional to talk things out is never a mistake---you should try it...

justjo

I agree with Bjen. It's nice to have positive feedback.
Im new here too and in just a few days I have changed my attitude a little.

He is doing this simply because he can. When they are in this (planet of addiction) nothing you do or say will change it. Sure he may get a little guilty, but when it comes down to it, the high or fix is more important.

I find some days my frustrations, anger and helplessness effects everyone and everything around me because I love my sister so much.
All you want is for them to stop, get better, stop lying, wake-up, have a good life, be happy, stop hurting themselves and the ones who love them. You ask yourself why! What could be so bad in their lives that it had to get to this! We all have our probs dont we and we keep going on.

Last night, my sister got kicked out of rehab Again!! I made a decision, not to keep letting this effect me anymore. Years of this. From now on I am going to be my happy, grateful & loving self again. Love my own family (because I have spent so much time looking after her and her family) I felt guilty. As hard as it sounds, wake up tomorrow and tell yourself and your kids with a big smile, We are going to have a terrific day and this is not our fault. Love yourself and your kids first.

If it was meant to be, he will come back to the planet earth.

dollydo

Welcome,

He is doing what "A's" do, lie and manipulate.

Meetings sound like a great idea to me.

Sure is wonderful that you have a family support system.

Your children come first, do what's right for them.

To me, pot is a bandaid, that soon will not cover the sore, be prepared for anything, keep your eyes and ears open.....and, keep posting.