free2be

AH knows that kids are sick. not cold sick.. Pneumonia and mono. Since they have been to the Dr. he has not called them at all to see how they are feeling. This was 2 days ago. Kids have l/m for him to call them. He hasn't. I feel so bad for them.
He won't really call anymore as daughter doesn't have a cell phone so he has to call the house phone. I have l/m in the past that if I see it's him I won't answer. He doesn't want to be my friend anymore. What a baby.
I am so torn. Part of me wants him to dig his own grave with them. Then on the otherhand who's really suffering? They are. Do I bail him out once again and l/m for him to call them. So he can be SUPER DAD. . Or should I keep letting him dig his grave. I am being spiteful I know, but why do we always have to be the bigger person?

mallowcup

Your bucket isnt' that big to bail that fast or that long. I'd let it be.

lilac

I'd let him keep digging......I am sorry he is hurting you and the kids....they kids probably have more of an opinion on how he is than you think.

parentrecovers

i'd stay out of it. just be there to let your kids share how they feel about their relationship with their dad - be a good listener for them. don't push or judge. put your energies towards the things you really can make a difference on? blessings, k

SaTiT

Focus on yourself and take care of your children.

MsGolightly

i say don't call him... reread your post -- don't you think he would call if he cared?

i get stuck in this situation all the time; i'm always trying to be the bigger person. but then i think to myself, why should i be the one having to do this? shouldn't they be calling us, if they cared about our lives, or our kids (if we have them)?

i say let it go and let him learn his lesson later, when he inevitably tries to enter the picture again

denny57

I don't see it as a competition about being bigger. He's sick. You are there right now for your kids. I was always reminding AH he could "do better." Who the heck wants to be told that? And who the heck did I think I was?

embraced2000

hi free....when faced with a similiar situation, i just did my part.....that's all i could do and feel good about and stay healthy about. when i tried to make everything all right for others, it kept me sick.

free2be

Thanks all,
I just am feeling a little angry well, maybe more than a little.
I am tired of being the responsible person. The rock. The Mom and Dad.
I am angry today, I am feeling sorry for myself and my situation. I am just really sick and tired of hearing "it's a disease" "he's sick". I am sick too. So why can't I use my sickness as a way to cop out on my responsibilities or to excuse my behaviors? Oh, she did that because she's not well... What would happen if I just behaved like him. Like a big baby. I feel like I am in 2nd grade and he doesn't want to be my friend anymore. Nah,nah,nah.
Why should I work on my recovery? for what? Seems to me that he has it made. He can do what he wants, manipulate people, lie, be nasty, hurt feelings. He goes through life having people clean up his mess, make excuses for him, feel sorry for him, take care of him. He is able to blame others and outside forces for his misery and people jump through hoops to try and make it better. Poor him. He's a victim.
For me right know he is not sick, he is a coward, selfish, self absorbed, depressed, unmotivated, manipulative, mean, hurtful, and irresponsible.
He is hurting our children and that's o.k.? I don't get it? Oh yeah, and when they get a little older and want nothing to do with him this will probably be my fault too.
Sorry, just on my pitty pot, today.

hope2bhappy

I don't see it as being spiteful. I see it as minding your own business.

denny57

(((free))) I've been on that pity pot plenty of times. I let it play out. And then I remember that AH does not have it made, though it appears that way. I would not trade places for a minute.

Hope the weekend is better for you.

dollydo

Try and live in today. Whatever happens between him and the children in the future cannot be fortold. It is his choice whether he contacts the children or not. Trying to make him a father is something you cannot do, he is either a responsible man or he is not.

You'll be ok, it will take time to work through this, make this weekend special for you.

Sunflower

I don't know if this helps you but my AS never knew his father--hasnt seen him since he was 2--no child support no anything--not even a xmas or birthday card....NOW -get this-he just shared with me that he did meet with him about 2 years ago-ONCE-and didnt want to tell me-for fear I would be upset..He tells me I was right to leave him and to never look back--he is a #@@ %$^%$--(sons words I can't repeat) He took my son to a TACO BELL hahaahah---showed him his new home and wife-pool-car-new truck-an a copy of his huge paycheck.....I don't know what he was trying to accomplish...He also told my son--"your mother was nuts""I sent you money all the tme she must have kept it""''You mean she never gave you all those cards I sent you???'''''hahahaah---well my son did not fall for it at all-we have lived in the same house for 27 years with the same phone number--I won't write everything that happened but I will say my AS was smart enough to see through it all and says he never wants to ever see him again--just the once cause he was curious....Just take care and focus on yor kids they know who loves them and cares about them --YOU!!!!

historyteach

You don't.
You only have to be as good as you can be at any given time.
You are a healthy model for your children. They will learn from the both of you. Whom would you like them to emulate?

Denny said this:
Oh, soooo true!
We always tend to think we know what "should" be...

Just be as good as you can be....as good as you want your children to learn to be.
They are watching the both of you.
I would want to lead the way for THEIR happiness today.

Hope this helps!

Shalom!

StandingStrong

For many years, I bailed my XAH out with the kids - when we were together as well as when we were apart.
Because of my doing that - it took longer for my kids to get the real picture. They became confused because it was like they were receiving mixed messages on the same person.

As much as it hurts your children - I'd not call their Dad. He's fully aware of the situation and he has chosen to not call. That is his choice. Calling him isn't going to get you anywhere in the long run.

free2be

So now, as if I am not angry enough. I just heard my older daughter L/M for him "Grandma said you weren't feeling well, hope I didn't get you sick. Feel better" Can you even imagine??????!!!!!!! It just breaks my heart, they just want him to love them. To feel like they matter to him. I just want to beat the @$%$$%^^^%$$#$%^^&&*out of him. Tell him to get over himself. It's not about you. Grow the F@@@@@ UP. Be a man.
Is it terrible to wish him dead, because I do. I really, really do. This way when they ask me why he hasn't called I can say he's dead.
I am having a little temper tantrum, please excuse me.

stillsearching

Free...it's OK...I think we all know how you are feeling, because I for one have felt the very same way. in fact I told my husband 2 weeks to grow up.

best

If you want him to call and talk with the children, you need make the phone available to him for calling.

Call if you like but I won't accept rude behavior...or what ever boundary you want to hold to with him calling.
He just may be everything you say and more but he is sick and his only medicine that you can administer for him are prayers.

Prayers that he find the truth and recover from being that coward, selfish, self absorbed, depressed, unmotivated, manipulative, mean, hurtful, and irresponsible person. Many of those traits are brought out because of addiction, so to shorten the list... pray that he find recovery from addiction.

Your medicine that will keep you and your children healthy...
Working on your own recovery and boundaries that keep you safe and in a state of peace...don't forget prayers for yourself along the way as well.

You have every right to feel angery. You are justified in feeling so.
Thing is though... It will eat you apart and for that reason is why you will need let it go.
Think on where your boundaries are at and set what is needed...for you and the children. Being the bigger person doesn't help him...it improves you.

chero

Hey Free, When I saw you gave your AH that super-hero cape it made me sad. He doesn't deserve it...YOU DO! And sometimes being the bigger/better person does stink! Sometimes the super hero just has to bide her time. It reminded me of the movies when people start out rootin for the villian but end up knowing who the real hero is.
Maybe its just that the kids feel safest with you and feel freedom to have care and concern for their dad. Kids are so so smart. I'm praying for you and them! And I know you don't feel like it right now, but wear that super-hero outfit proudly...even if nobody sees it right now but you!

best

Every time I visit this forum, I see it in so many of the people here.
Such love, compassion, and strength pours out of each one of you.