A nice person with an alcohol dependency

Old 03-15-2007, 08:40 PM
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A nice person with an alcohol dependency

My AH has an alcohol dependency to the tune of 12 beers a day.
He is a really nice person, a good father, a good neighbor, a good employee. He doesn't lie or cheat or steal. He doesn't waste money and he helps around the house. We get along great.
But alcohol is destroying his health and he is getting depressed and moody.
He says he drinks because he is in pain from an injury. I believe him. (So I am codependent?) He says his drugs from the doctor don't help. Only beer does.
We are going to the doctor to discuss his pain medications and will tell him of the alcohol dependence. Is this the right thing to do? I hope so!
And he will begin seeing a therapist who specializes in drug and alcohol dependence. Next week.
Have any of you had a similar experience? What happened? Can you offer me any advice or hope?
So many people say really bad things about their alcoholic spouse. I don't have anything bad to say other than he gets drunk every day. But he goes to work every day and hides it very well....but he is sad and sick!
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Old 03-15-2007, 08:54 PM
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Some of them are high functioing--the older you are the harder it must be---and most of them are really nice people as you say--the A makes them different---sounds like he is going to a specialists-and maybe outpatient treatment and you are gonna try alanon--you are on the right path--best of luck
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Old 03-15-2007, 09:00 PM
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My boyfriend is a good man, too. He doesn't lie to me (other than about his drinking), he doesn't steal, he doesn't cheat on me. He rarely raises his voice to me and helps around the house. He's a great guy who checks out of life every day with a bottle of booze. I didn't have a problem with his drinking until it began to take a toll on his health. Then I panicked and begged and pleaded with him to stop drinking. When that didn't work, I resorted to control and manipulation. I poured out his booze, kept tabs on how much he drank, asked his friends and coworkers to stop offering him alcohol, forced him to see a doctor, forced him to go to AA.

My co-dependent traits didn't show up until his drinking began to affect my sanity. I lived in fear of losing him. To learn more about what co-dependency is, pick up a copy of the following book:

"Codependent No More" by Melodee Beatty. I'm sure you'll see a lot of yourself within those pages. I know I did.
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Old 03-15-2007, 09:55 PM
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Originally Posted by FormerDoormat View Post
My co-dependent traits didn't show up until his drinking began to affect my sanity. I lived in fear of losing him.
Same here, but in reality I was actually losing myself.
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Old 03-16-2007, 11:42 AM
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aGrandma,
Same here, my AH is a great husband, father, grandfather, etc. He also doesn't lie, cheat or steal and helps around the house. He also has alcoholic liver disease, but will not stop drinking. He drinks about 12-15 beers every day, but is a kind, wonderful man who would do anything for his family. And the only thing he does when he's drunk is be drunk. He's a mush, loves to cuddle, tells me he loves me, etc. But I just sometimes can't handle a drunk. But I love him, and I hope to stay with him forever (even tho at times forever can't come quick enough).
QT
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Old 03-16-2007, 12:16 PM
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My AH always told me that he drank because he was in emotional pain from an event that happened to him about 6 years ago. He said that it was self-medicating because he couldn't go on anti-depressants due to the nature of his work. He told me that he was feeling better all the time, and would stop drinking very soon. He always said how sick of drinking he was...how he couldn't wait to stop.

I believed that for years.

Then the drinking escalated. It began to take over. He never wanted to leave the house, except to go to work. He began to say mean things to me more often. Slowly, over time, he began to be very irrational and incoherent a lot the time. He started taking days off work to stay in his room and drink all day. He started saying REALLY mean things to me...sometimes in front of friends.

In the last six months I have given him many ultimatums. "Stop drinking or I will leave". He let me walk out the door everytime. Only to call me non-stop begging to come home. I would stop by to check on him. He would be a drunken MESS. A very, very sad thing to witness. Wow, alcohol just rapes the body, mind, and soul. He was less and less the man I knew once. More and more child-like, irrational, and out of control. I returned to him a few times. He would promise over and over and over that he was done drinking. He just couldn't stop. Went right back to drinking after detox. I filed for divorce. He still drinks and still promises to stop. Tells me all the time that if I just came back to him he would stop. I tell him that if he wanted to stop he would, with or without me. That it has nothing to do with me. I was with him - right by his side- for years as he slid into this pit of addiction and it did not matter.

I don't have any answers. I just know that it is a heartbreaking thing to see happen to someone you love.

I know that my AH is a good man. I know he could be the most amazing person in the world if he got his sh*t together. He has "potential".

But when it comes down to it, he is not willing to get help and surrender. Perhaps that is his character...while other A's are willing to reach out and/or accept help.

I can't blame him for anything exept how he is choosing to face his addiction.

I hope your AH is the kind of person who is willing to do the work and set himself free.

Good luck. Please let us know how the appointment goes.
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Old 03-16-2007, 12:25 PM
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agrandma....many alcoholics are as you described....but it progresses. alcoholism is a disease that just doesn't stand still.

i'm glad you and him are going to the doc. good luck and best wishes. i hope things turn out very well.
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Old 03-16-2007, 03:12 PM
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Red face

Originally Posted by aGrandma View Post
My AH has an alcohol dependency to the tune of 12 beers a day.
He is a really nice person, a good father, a good neighbor, a good employee. He doesn't lie or cheat or steal. He doesn't waste money and he helps around the house. We get along great.
But alcohol is destroying his health and he is getting depressed and moody.
He says he drinks because he is in pain from an injury. I believe him. (So I am codependent?) He says his drugs from the doctor don't help. Only beer does.
We are going to the doctor to discuss his pain medications and will tell him of the alcohol dependence. Is this the right thing to do? I hope so!
And he will begin seeing a therapist who specializes in drug and alcohol dependence. Next week.
Have any of you had a similar experience? What happened? Can you offer me any advice or hope?
So many people say really bad things about their alcoholic spouse. I don't have anything bad to say other than he gets drunk every day. But he goes to work every day and hides it very well....but he is sad and sick!
Hi agrandma, sounds like you two have a start plan.

See what the doc says. See what the alcohol couselor says.

Go from there.... It's kind of hard to worry about the future untill

the professionals give him suggestions on what to do.

Hope he listens and follows doctors orders,,best wishes, hope3
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Old 03-16-2007, 07:49 PM
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my AH is a nice guy too!

AGrandma, you are in the right place! Many of us have a similar story. We wouldn't have married if they we jerks. My AH is same as yours. Nice, smart, kind, giving, etc etc etc. He started out drinking on wknds when he was 18. Then it was in the evenings. Then by the time he was in his 30's it was in the mornings. Then the afternoons. By the time he was in his 40's he was drinking almost all the time. He always had a job, but the alcohol was starting to destroy this nice man. It got worse and worse as the years went by. Then he became a binge drinker. Wouldn't drink for several months, then would drink nonstop for a couple weeks. About 6 years ago, at age 43, he had our children with him and decided to drink and drive. Was in a terrible accident and almost died. Hospitalized for 2 1/2 months and is still recovering today. One of our children was hospitalized for 13 days with spinal fracture, liver laceration and intestinal damage.

He continued to drink and now had an addiction to pain killers. I kept telling myself, but he's a nice guy... He has this horrible disease... We rarely fight... He helps around the house... he is a good father... yet, something was terribly wrong. But, I was totally wrapped up in him and his problem. I wasn't enjoying life any longer. I needed to fix ME instead of trying to fix him. So, I started going to a support group at a church. After about a year and coming to this sight almost every night, I began to live again. And I realized he was damaging not only himself but our children and our family. He could no longer live with us. He spent about 1 year wondering around, living in hotels, rehab centers and eventually ended up in jail. It all ended up being a miracle. He is now working with other addicts, leading AA and AV groups and truly is that nice, kind, articulate, funny, man again. I am so glad he has decided to jump on board with my happy healthy family. PS, my AH has been seeing a therapist who specializes in addictions, and she has been a tremendous help.

Hope I didn't ramble too much. I hope you can find some support for yourself and I hope your AH can get the help he so desperately needs also. There is hope for them, but there is also tremendous hope for you too... I hope you can find a support system soon.
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Old 03-16-2007, 08:02 PM
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Wow, Wraybear, thanks. How awful about your AH. Do you mind me asking, did you get a divorce? You just said he "could not live with us any longer"....
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