hard thing to do...
 

Hello everyone... I have not been on here for along time and I just needed to get some things off my chest...
Last night when I got home from work my AB was there with a bottle... and I flipped out.. I dumped it and said I was done.. Done with him and with us.. He is on probation and he is not to drink... he got mad and left... I called him PO... I felt bad... but now that I have thought about it, it was the right think... he needs to get help that he has not been getting. So he called me at 11:30pm to tell me he was in jail and that he needed his medications... I talked to the jailer and he said that I could bring his meds... so I got up and took them to the jail... I am going to see him after work and tell him that he needs to get his life in order... and I am not going to back down on this.. I am going to tell him that in a year if he is better that I would think about it..

Thanks for letting me talk... and I will stick around and maybe get back into Al-Anon....

If you stick to this, in a year you won't want him anymore and you'll be thinking about someone else.

I know but he needs to understand that he needs help and I am not going to sit by and watch him kill himself... I am sick of the questions of who am I seeing cause I was gone for a few hours... and I am sick of the drama that comes with his drinking... I know in a year I could find someone... but right now I am not looking for a man... I am going to become a work-aholic and just worry about me...

It's really just about taking care of myself. As many people used to say here, I threw out my crystal ball. A return to Al-Anon could be a great idea. Sticking to boundaries can be tough, so keep posting!

(((Hugs))) Sticking to boundaries can be sooo tough ! Al-anon is a very good idea, as is the site. Good luck to you and remember to take it one day at a time, that is all that any of us can do.

thanks all... I know it is not going to be easy when I go and see him at the jail tonight.. .but he has to know that I am real about this and I am done... I dont need this in my life... and I am going to be happy...

good for you mec! i'm anxious to hear how everything goes tonight. the strength from you and everyone else on this board is really keeping me motivated. i threatened and backed down and caved in many, MANY times ... i think i've finally gotten the hang of it :)

good luck!

Good Girl! Stay strong and keep us filled in!

I just got a call from the jail... he asked the jailer to call me to have his car moved from the bar to my house... I did that last night when I talked to him on the phone... I am sure he doesn't remember that at all....

Stick to your guns, for you, not him...this is his problem, you can't make it yours....his recovery is up to him...your recovery from him and co-dependency is up to you.

There is no rush to take him back, give it time, a long time...let his actions prove he is ready to embrace recovery, in the mean time, live your life.

I'm not sure calling his Po was the best Idea if he was was out driving drunk maybe have the police stop him and let him deal with the consequence But at The risk of having you hate me, I gotta say you might want to look at your true motives doing that. we all have to work on our selfs and it's not ever easy but were you really concerned about him, or were you just mad cause you had lost control of him If we are going to get well we have to be honest with our selfs I been learning that right here If I hurt you ,It's truly not my intention it's only my opinion .and does'nt make it right. hope all works out I'm sure it will
lovely Kelly

Gosh, I do think Kelley is making a valid point. So often our relationships are reduced to battles of will. As noted, looking at our honest motivations is tough business. No doubt you have some anger and pent up resentments...we all do in dealing with drunks (I'm one of those myself...recovering now). Codependence has an awful lot to do with an inability to Let Go and Let God. Drunks and codies alike love to "play God". I'm a double winner so I always want what I want RFN! So often I've been a petulant child ..huffin and puffin and stomping my feet when someone fails my expectation.
One can't be coaxed or demanded out of alcoholism...its something that has to be wanted for ourselves. I do think that leaving an alcoholic can sometimes be a wake up call for the drunk at hand.... sometimes not. But for the typical drunk, power plays don't work. We'll get hammered just to spite ya.

That is so true and the hardest lesson to learn. It's not about us.
:mad:

Ha Ha.. I have seen that one first hand. I admit, I've done a great deal to try to control the whole situation and there is no control, no reason, no understanding, no sanity....in neither one of us. I actually feel more at peace within myself when I am not around ex-AF. Yes, I miss that other person, but do not miss the roller coaster. I've been ex-AF for 4 days now. I've been trying to keep myself very busy and not anwer his phone calls. I'm am staying strong THIS time.

See anything jumping out at ya yet?

If they were capable of understanding, reasoning, and making good choices......we would not be here. It's so NOT about making him understand....it's about you. You can make yourself crazy wanting him to understand the way you think about things, especially alcohol. Don't waste your effort going to the jail to explain yourself for the umpteenth time....use that time to find an Al-anon meeting, or do something for yourself. Spend the entire night reading everything here. Go to the library and get some books about this. When you realize that he is never going to "get it" and that this is HIS problem, peace and sanity will be restored to you. He will not be able to manipulate you further. Take a deep breath.....before making any rash decisions. Take some time to get yourself in a better way of thinking, and it will be much clearer to be able to take the steps you need to.

Start with baby steps....we'll all get there at our own speed.

I don't see a problem with what you did MEC. He was breaking the law - you reported it. period.

Stick to your guns no matter how tempting it may get to take him back. He's trouble. There's too many fish in the sea.

I am impressed with your quick-thinking and good judgement.

Do no harm. That just came to mind. Whatever you do or don't do. Do no harm. We can do right or be right. I'd rather do right. The two of you are not bringing the best out in each other.

Thank you all for the good advice... I didn't go and see him cause he called me and told me that they transfered him to another jail. And he said don't give up on him... I am going to give up on him... I am going to tell him that he needs to focus on him.. and to get better... I hope he will understand. And I need to just focus on me and make things better in my life.