Manipulation and the likes....

Old 03-13-2007, 05:21 AM
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Manipulation and the likes....

I feel so guilty! Last night I know I used manipulation to try and control my AH while he was sober. As if I think it will work or something!? I still can't stop myself from trying. It seems worth it if it works but it always backfires!
I keep reading on here about setting boundaries and having a hands-off approach...what??? How do I do that? All I know is that I hate hate hate the drinking and I'm so desperate to do whatever I can to stop. I know it's coming! I know it and I'm freaking out!!!! What do I do????
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Old 03-13-2007, 01:34 PM
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We are human, remember, "Prorogress not perfection""
I get confused about words, manipulation? I believe there is good manipulation, all depends on if trying to get my way for my reasons, and not to be of help to others??

You will learn in time, and only you know what is acceptable.
If we give the A's an inch they think everything is all OK.

You are fine, don't accept guilt from you or anyone if not quilty.
Things pop out, if not planned and rehearsed, then that is just life.

Just my thoughts.
Do? Just accept he will do whatever he will do. Do you want to stay if things remain like this?
He evidently has no problem with alcohol. He sees no need for him to change.
If no problem with violence, you can stay if you can accept that this is how it is.
We can take it one day at a time and practice and think of what we want.
Make any sense? If not pay no attention.
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Old 03-13-2007, 01:37 PM
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Chero,

At least you are aware of what you're doing with the manipulation. It takes many of us a long time to get to that realization.

Have you read the stickies yet? Check out About Recovery. I think that's where you'll find some information on Setting Boundaries, Hooks that keep us boundary-less, and detaching, amongst other topics.

Some of these concepts are difficult to grasp at times, especially when our emotions are so over-taxed.

Wish I had more to offer, but at the moment I'm feeling a little french-fried.
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Old 03-13-2007, 01:37 PM
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It never works, I've threatened, cried, threatened some more, the alcohol always wins. I guess you and me both need to learn more about detachment (one sticky above has a great link about this, I read it many times a day). One that really hits home is... detatchment is "ability to allow people to be who they really are rather than who you want them to be". Also, "willingness to accept that you cannot change or control a person.....". We cannot make them stop, no matter how hard we try, it's a lost cause. We need to detatch from the situation (although I find that very hard with kids in the house)...not stress over it. Maybe someday they'll come around, by their own will. Good luck to you.
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Old 03-13-2007, 03:19 PM
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Thanks guys! I sure hate that word detatchment! I wish I could detatch from the situation. My AH tells me all the time he doesn't drink or not drink because of anything I say or don't say. He says he drinks because he can. I hate that because I know he's right. I want my love for him to be enough. I heard it isn't about him loving me or not but it's about him having an illness. It's so hard to think of it like a disease, though, because my thoughts on it are you're sober when you bought it. But somebody at SR told me he wasn't sober he was dry. I'm not even sure what that means but I can kinda figure it out...it's like a craving?? I don't know! Actually, I don't care if he is sober or dry....just stop drinking!
Okay, deep breath...I'm off to read the stickies! Thanks again! I'll take any advice I can get! I hate being manipulative because I know it doesn't work.
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Old 03-14-2007, 01:46 AM
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Originally Posted by chero View Post
But somebody at SR told me he wasn't sober he was dry. I'm not even sure what that means but I can kinda figure it out...it's like a craving?? I don't know!
....Dry drunk A colloquial term generally used to describe someone who has stopped drinking, but who still demonstrates the same alcoholic behaviors and attitudes.

Here's the link where I got it from, as it might help to briefly explain other terms you might not be familiar with.


http://soberpedia.com/default.cfm?letter=D

I can't say that I have much experience with a DD, so I can't personally site any examples, or to further elaborate on the definition here. Maybe someone else can???
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Old 03-14-2007, 05:20 AM
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Thanks for the definition ICU. I'm not sure that he fits that category then? All I know is he is sober when he buys the alcohol. And I know today is Wed. and for some reason this'll be the start of his weekend and I'm in tears just thinking about it!
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Old 03-14-2007, 06:03 AM
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chero.....can you make your own plans for the weekend that does not include being around someone who is drunk?

he is going to do whatever he wants to do about drinking....you can not change that. but you can change how you react to it. you can involve yourself in focusing on things you like to do....

what is miserable is spending the entire weekend trying to make him stop. or outwit him. or trying to change his mind, or make him see the light, amen.

i've done it all, sweety.....and it just don't work. turn all that focus on yourself and have a good weekend.
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Old 03-14-2007, 06:31 AM
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chero i'm sorry that you're going through this... finding something to occupy yourself (being with your own friends and family) will make that much less time that you'll be totally preoccupied with his drinking (and your suspicions of whether or not it's happening) - and keep telling yourself that you can't control it and that he makes his own choices... that's what recently helped me through those rough times.

and read and post on here as much as you want! it always makes me feel so much better
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Old 03-14-2007, 08:36 AM
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hi chero

I made that statement to you. I wasn't referring to a dry drunk, I meant he wasn't really "sober," he just hadn't been drinking. I don't know the extent of his disease, but there does come a point where the chemicals are present in the bloodstream pretty much 24/7. Have you done any reading on the physiological effects of alcohol?
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Old 03-14-2007, 10:46 AM
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I understand what you mean Denny. It used to only take a sober day or two for my A to snap out of his "drunk" but now it seems to take months. It gets old waiting for that especially when it rarely happens. The sad thing is to tell him that makes him cry. I am just praying for him to find the strengh he needs to do what he already knows he needs to do. I know I can't do it for him Chero but I still find myself trying, old habits are hard to break.
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Old 03-14-2007, 02:45 PM
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Are you serious? The chemicals are in his body 24/7?? I'm so not having a good day. And I was right, he's drinking. I'm so upset! It's just all too hard!
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Old 03-14-2007, 03:00 PM
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(((Chero))) Can you get out of the house for a little while tonight? Even if it's to go to the mall or go grocery shopping? Sometimes if you're that upset at his drinking it might be a good idea for a change of scenery for an hour or two. Any errands you need to run?
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Old 03-14-2007, 03:00 PM
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chero, I learned it was only as hard as I made it - I could do some things to get proactive about my life. But I was SCARED. Whatever it takes, I'd try to start taking the focus off him and put it on you. What can you do, just one thing, to start you on another path of understanding?

P.S. don't forget to breathe!

Last edited by denny57; 03-14-2007 at 03:02 PM. Reason: all important breathing reminder
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Old 03-14-2007, 03:05 PM
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Okay, deep breath. I'm leaving in a few minutes to go to church. You know, the hard part about leaving, for me anyway, has always been having to come home and never knowing what I was coming home to. It's so scary to make plans.
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Old 03-14-2007, 03:54 PM
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Chero(((HUGS))) I am truly sorry you are feeling so bad. It is so painful and hurtful. I Know. The things I have done to try and manipulate. I've cried begged, lied whatever I could think of I did. I stooped to levels that now I can't believe. Once, I told him I was calling because his son was choking. Lie. Tried to play on his guilt. Didn't work.
You are a bright, caring, loving and wonderful person and very quick witted I might add. some of your post's/replies are very funny. You deserve the best.
Much love to you.
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Old 03-14-2007, 06:29 PM
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I just did it again. I tried manipulating a drunk man and he is MAD. Why can't I let him do whatever he is going to do and be okay with that???? What is wrong with me?? This is just so bad.
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Old 03-14-2007, 06:31 PM
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PLEASE SOMEBODY BRING ME TAPE!
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Old 03-14-2007, 07:04 PM
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Originally Posted by chero View Post
Why can't I let him do whatever he is going to do and be okay with that????
Because you are NOT okay with it. Now what?
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Old 03-14-2007, 08:15 PM
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Originally Posted by denny57 View Post
Because you are NOT okay with it. Now what?
I've sat here for five minutes while that question has rang in my head. Now what?
I'm trying to rationalize this out.
If I stay then:
1) I must figure out how to be happy.
2) I must figure out how to let my AH live his life.

If I leave then:
My mind won't go here.

Now what?
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