Should I care about what others think?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Backwoods, PA
Posts: 223
Should I care about what others think?
My Abf spent most of the weekend with my brother-in-law. He is a completely different person when he is with his drinking buddy. He treats him like I wish he would treat me. He treats him with respect and admiration. He never hesitates to pull out his wallet and buy the meal when someone else is around. When it's just the two of us, he complains about money, and never wants to take me anywhere.
In short, my sister, brother-in-law, Abf and myself got together yesterday for lunch. Beforehand, he complained to me about not having any money, so I paid for my own meal. On the way home, he b**ched at me for trying to make him look bad. He said that he knew what I was trying to do and that there wouldn't be a place in heaven for me. This is a no-win situation. I'm a mooch if he pays, and I'm trying to make him look bad if I pay.
Here is my problem: Should I care about what others think?
I made a terrible mistake by coming back here and I know that, but he is such a great con artist. He wears one mask for me and another one for my family. Should I even bother defending myself anymore?
In short, my sister, brother-in-law, Abf and myself got together yesterday for lunch. Beforehand, he complained to me about not having any money, so I paid for my own meal. On the way home, he b**ched at me for trying to make him look bad. He said that he knew what I was trying to do and that there wouldn't be a place in heaven for me. This is a no-win situation. I'm a mooch if he pays, and I'm trying to make him look bad if I pay.
Here is my problem: Should I care about what others think?
I made a terrible mistake by coming back here and I know that, but he is such a great con artist. He wears one mask for me and another one for my family. Should I even bother defending myself anymore?
Practicing the lion's roar
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 291
I don't want to care what ANYBODY thinks of me, let alone people like you're describing here. In this specific case I think you're perfectly justified in not giving a tinker's cuss what they think. Your own opinion is worth much more than theirs, anyway.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
For me, it took a while to not worry about what others think - still struggle with it sometimes.
Trust in the fact that "Just because he says it doesn't make it True"
Was I paying for dinner to make him look bad or just trying to avoid an arguement? If I know I'm doing my part - then the stuff he says is all about HIM not really about me. I pray for the strength to just let it go - to say to him "I hate that you feel that way" or "That was not my intention" and try to change the subject.
It's their disease run rampant again, but I don't have to lose my serenity them.
Just how I try to handle those situations. (Of course somedays, imagining that I take the plate of food & shove it in their face feels good too - oh wait that's not right - lol - just kidding!!!! - oops I better make a meeting really, really soon!!)
Hope that at least made you smile
Rita
Trust in the fact that "Just because he says it doesn't make it True"
Was I paying for dinner to make him look bad or just trying to avoid an arguement? If I know I'm doing my part - then the stuff he says is all about HIM not really about me. I pray for the strength to just let it go - to say to him "I hate that you feel that way" or "That was not my intention" and try to change the subject.
It's their disease run rampant again, but I don't have to lose my serenity them.
Just how I try to handle those situations. (Of course somedays, imagining that I take the plate of food & shove it in their face feels good too - oh wait that's not right - lol - just kidding!!!! - oops I better make a meeting really, really soon!!)
Hope that at least made you smile
Rita
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,358
Originally Posted by Grace 
...he is such a great con artist. He wears one mask for me and another one for my family.
Bottom line, you know the truth, so it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. If he has, ahem, 'anger management issues', I would temper my responses to my best advantage....safety!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
Yes, I think we need to care what others think, but most importantly, we need to make it important what we think of ourselves. Who pays needs to be reasonable, but more importantly, we don't humiliate our loved ones. he is keeping you in a catch 22, no win situation because it serves him to make you feel like you can't do the right thing. If you pay , you are wrong, if you don't pay, you are wrong. There is a very good feeling when you take yourself out, have what you like and pay for it yourself. No confusion.
This isn't about what others think or who pays. I'm sure this issue extends beyond paying for a meal. His attitude and irrational thinking is a real indicator of the status of your relationship. If my husband or boyfriend made a stink over a few bucks he had to pay or not pay, I would quickly wonder if it had anything to do with money.
This isn't about what others think or who pays. I'm sure this issue extends beyond paying for a meal. His attitude and irrational thinking is a real indicator of the status of your relationship. If my husband or boyfriend made a stink over a few bucks he had to pay or not pay, I would quickly wonder if it had anything to do with money.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Backwoods, PA
Posts: 223
Thank you for the input. I start thinking I'm the crazy one. Maybe I am...a crazy codependent!
Mallowcup, what do you mean about the status of our relationship and the money? I'm just curious as to whether you're thinking the same thing that I am.
Mallowcup, what do you mean about the status of our relationship and the money? I'm just curious as to whether you're thinking the same thing that I am.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Dixie
Posts: 612
Paying (in the guy's eyes) might be a manly ego thing regardless of whether he is an A or not. If I know my A is short on cash, I usually pass him my share before we get to the restaurant.
He may have viewed your actions as passive aggressive behavior. I'm sure you were trying to be helpful and didn't mean to make a statement with your actions. You WERE trying to be helpful, weren't you?
He may have viewed your actions as passive aggressive behavior. I'm sure you were trying to be helpful and didn't mean to make a statement with your actions. You WERE trying to be helpful, weren't you?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Green,green grass of home
Posts: 600
I really like what ICU,has beneith her post,and so,,i will repeat it..Hope you dont mind ICU.
In answer to should you care what others think?
Quit listening to the voices that are pulling you down...Joel Osteen.
As a man thinketh,so shall he be.found this true for me.Im not who,,others,think i am.I am who i think i am.Ive had folks tell me they think im cool.Others have real issues with me.So--why leave it up to others to describ who they think i am.,with their own persceptions at the time.All i know is that im doing the best that i can,and am growing,learning,and progressing along.If others want to judge me,its ok,its a non-issue in my life.If i like you felt that i will pay for my own meal,then i do it.How others think/feel about it,is really non-of my bussiness,really.I know when i met up with some drinking buds of my loved one that they were surprised,by me.Said i wasnt the person that my loved one described to them,,lol.Who cares!!!Im powerless of others,so to thine own self be true.
Thank you for letting me share,my,personal, experiences,and opinions....smile
In answer to should you care what others think?
Quit listening to the voices that are pulling you down...Joel Osteen.
As a man thinketh,so shall he be.found this true for me.Im not who,,others,think i am.I am who i think i am.Ive had folks tell me they think im cool.Others have real issues with me.So--why leave it up to others to describ who they think i am.,with their own persceptions at the time.All i know is that im doing the best that i can,and am growing,learning,and progressing along.If others want to judge me,its ok,its a non-issue in my life.If i like you felt that i will pay for my own meal,then i do it.How others think/feel about it,is really non-of my bussiness,really.I know when i met up with some drinking buds of my loved one that they were surprised,by me.Said i wasnt the person that my loved one described to them,,lol.Who cares!!!Im powerless of others,so to thine own self be true.
Thank you for letting me share,my,personal, experiences,and opinions....smile
Becoming a Butterfly
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 904
This site isn't good for work because it has audio of real fights that degenerate into verbal abuse. The website is http://www.youarenotcrazy.com/. It's a really interesting resource about verbal abuse, even if the layout is annoyinging and difficult to follow.
In conclusion - you are not crazy, he's just crazymaking.
In conclusion - you are not crazy, he's just crazymaking.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
Well. What presents itself is a squabble over paying a bill. It appears to be an issue of who pays and depending on who pays, what impression it leaves. He is either left looking like the "man" because he is able to pick up the tab or he is make to look like a loser if he can't. Truth is, a person who cares about you would make sure they had enough money to pay, even if they didn't, they'd never include you and then make you feel bad for not having money. Let's suppose you didn't have any money? Suppose you couldn't pay? Would someone who cares about you humilate you?
He never complains about the price of drinks going up or in buying a round, right? If a burger and fries is too much and reason to complain, I'd say it has to do with where he is willing to spend his money.
What would I do, I wouldn't go anywhere with him where a charge was expected. If you can't go anywhere with him, why date him? I think it's amatter of dating someone with no class.
He never complains about the price of drinks going up or in buying a round, right? If a burger and fries is too much and reason to complain, I'd say it has to do with where he is willing to spend his money.
What would I do, I wouldn't go anywhere with him where a charge was expected. If you can't go anywhere with him, why date him? I think it's amatter of dating someone with no class.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Grace, I learned to not care what anyone was thinking by speaking my truth.
I've been in the situation you describe and today I would handle it by stating confidently I pay because I choose to. You could then choose a very brief statement to your boyfriend stating your truth. If you don't want to state it out loud, write it down. But make it your truth. Believe in yourself and your reasons.
The whys don't matter, they really don't. Money is only one way a controller tries to control the situation. He is what he is.
I don't know how it worked or why it worked, but the more I did this - and today I do it all the time - my self confidence came back and I no longer feel the need to explain myself to anyone. Stop explaining!
Sending hugs to you.
I've been in the situation you describe and today I would handle it by stating confidently I pay because I choose to. You could then choose a very brief statement to your boyfriend stating your truth. If you don't want to state it out loud, write it down. But make it your truth. Believe in yourself and your reasons.
The whys don't matter, they really don't. Money is only one way a controller tries to control the situation. He is what he is.
I don't know how it worked or why it worked, but the more I did this - and today I do it all the time - my self confidence came back and I no longer feel the need to explain myself to anyone. Stop explaining!
Sending hugs to you.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
Pick a role model and do what they'd do. If Sopshia Loren went out with your boyfriend would he expect her to pay for her own meal? What would she do if he expected her to, how about someone like Tina Turner? I lady acna pay or not pay but a bill should always be handled discreetly, she should always enter and exit still being a lady. Either a man gets that or he doesn't.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,358
Originally Posted by mallowcup
Pick a role model and do what they'd do.What would she do if he expected her to, how about someone like Tina Turner?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: anomaly
Posts: 2,180
With an Alki involved..you're damn if you do and you're
damn if you don't.
Basically we suffer the consiquences of their action
or in-action. But the bitching and complaining is just
design to throw us off balance and confused ya.
You could say "f-u....you would have plenty of mola if
you didn't spending it going on a trips everyday
and night. "........
But ya see....we have low self-esteem to begin with
experiencing a counseling fest from an alki...yikes!!!
So..on gose the walking on egg shell routine.
No matter how clear our intentions or logic are ( in whatever situations)....at the end..if there's an alki
involved...We find ourself going "WTF .... just
happened?" " I got screwed"
So we're so damn confused by now and after living
like that for so long.....the covering up behaviors
and what not.
We ask questions as such "dose it matter? "
This incident...is basically what would happen if
you decide to break it off, if you have had enough.
So if you decide to pay for your own way and go
on with your life.....He would still complain or blame
you for his un-happiness.
Dose it matter what others think about me ?....no
But it takes me a while to process it.
An alki...mmm don't process to will....
but being around them...we get influence.
You're either going love me ,accept me, or not.
I don't need to been over backwards.
But to get there ...we need to start loving ourselves.
Which is something we havn't done for so, so long.
heck...some of us don't even know who we are, being
absorb into others for so, so, so long.
damn if you don't.
Basically we suffer the consiquences of their action
or in-action. But the bitching and complaining is just
design to throw us off balance and confused ya.
You could say "f-u....you would have plenty of mola if
you didn't spending it going on a trips everyday
and night. "........
But ya see....we have low self-esteem to begin with
experiencing a counseling fest from an alki...yikes!!!
So..on gose the walking on egg shell routine.
No matter how clear our intentions or logic are ( in whatever situations)....at the end..if there's an alki
involved...We find ourself going "WTF .... just
happened?" " I got screwed"
So we're so damn confused by now and after living
like that for so long.....the covering up behaviors
and what not.
We ask questions as such "dose it matter? "
This incident...is basically what would happen if
you decide to break it off, if you have had enough.
So if you decide to pay for your own way and go
on with your life.....He would still complain or blame
you for his un-happiness.
Dose it matter what others think about me ?....no
But it takes me a while to process it.
An alki...mmm don't process to will....
but being around them...we get influence.
You're either going love me ,accept me, or not.
I don't need to been over backwards.
But to get there ...we need to start loving ourselves.
Which is something we havn't done for so, so long.
heck...some of us don't even know who we are, being
absorb into others for so, so, so long.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Backwoods, PA
Posts: 223
I was trying to avoid a fight by paying, but perhaps I handled it the wrong way. I didn't mean to hurt his male ego, but I also get sick and tired of him complaining about finances. I was truly doing it to avoid a fight, but obviously that didn't work. I know that he is struggling financially, but I buy the food and pay some of the bills. He spends his money on HIM and his toys. He is overly generous where others are concerned and extremely tight with me. And you are right, mallowcup, there is always money for beer and for buying rounds for his drinking buddies.
Thank you, Wantsout, for the verbal abuse site. Very interesting! I've known for a long time that he is abusive and it is, indeed, crazymaking. That's why I say it is a no-win situation. I will apologize to him tonight if I embarassed him for paying by bill. I can pretty much predict that he won't accept my apology, even though my intentions were really not to humiliate him. He changes like the weather and he is so unpredictable that I feel like I'm walking on eggshells all the time.
I remember one time that we went to a club and he was hungry. I wasn't real hungry, so I asked if we could share a meal. It was chicken and fries. He said that I could have some of the chicken (he was very serious). I made the mistake of taking one of his fries, and he got pissed off and said we had to leave. He yelled at me the whole way home for taking one of his fries. Granted, I should've asked him first, but we're talking about A FRENCH FRY.
That is why I wanted to pay for my own food and my intentions were not to humiliate him, just to avoid a fight.
Thank you, Wantsout, for the verbal abuse site. Very interesting! I've known for a long time that he is abusive and it is, indeed, crazymaking. That's why I say it is a no-win situation. I will apologize to him tonight if I embarassed him for paying by bill. I can pretty much predict that he won't accept my apology, even though my intentions were really not to humiliate him. He changes like the weather and he is so unpredictable that I feel like I'm walking on eggshells all the time.
I remember one time that we went to a club and he was hungry. I wasn't real hungry, so I asked if we could share a meal. It was chicken and fries. He said that I could have some of the chicken (he was very serious). I made the mistake of taking one of his fries, and he got pissed off and said we had to leave. He yelled at me the whole way home for taking one of his fries. Granted, I should've asked him first, but we're talking about A FRENCH FRY.
That is why I wanted to pay for my own food and my intentions were not to humiliate him, just to avoid a fight.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: anomaly
Posts: 2,180
You can't never aviod a fight...as you're experience
had shown you. ...it can be becuase it's a tuesday
and no matter what you do it'll never good enough,
So you feel that way. You keep doing it over and over
again, to try to prove to him that you are good
enough
It's Basic, Basic co-dependency behaviors. Trying
to keep the peace, inspite of the facts. Compermising
yourselve.
Thats why it's confusing for a lot of us.
We think spirituality...we should be, nice and forgiving,
Trun the other chic...and what have ya.
Being spiritual dose not mean we are spineless.
After all JC stood and cased the devil into hell.
With a single command
had shown you. ...it can be becuase it's a tuesday
and no matter what you do it'll never good enough,
So you feel that way. You keep doing it over and over
again, to try to prove to him that you are good
enough
It's Basic, Basic co-dependency behaviors. Trying
to keep the peace, inspite of the facts. Compermising
yourselve.
Thats why it's confusing for a lot of us.
We think spirituality...we should be, nice and forgiving,
Trun the other chic...and what have ya.
Being spiritual dose not mean we are spineless.
After all JC stood and cased the devil into hell.
With a single command
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Dixie
Posts: 612
Sounds like he is just an angry guy all the way around. Perhaps it IS a lose-lose situation.
You can't change the way he is going to react. But as long as your motives are pure, you are going in the right direction (in spite of how he reacts).
I really have to examine my motives sometimes, because I can be the Queen of passive aggressive behavior -- looking so innocent while silently (and deliberately) twisting the knife. When I do this, I'm not "keeping my side of the street clean" (as they say).
I'm not saying this is what you did (consciously, anyway). Keep your heart and your motives pure. Does this make sense?
You can't change the way he is going to react. But as long as your motives are pure, you are going in the right direction (in spite of how he reacts).
I really have to examine my motives sometimes, because I can be the Queen of passive aggressive behavior -- looking so innocent while silently (and deliberately) twisting the knife. When I do this, I'm not "keeping my side of the street clean" (as they say).
I'm not saying this is what you did (consciously, anyway). Keep your heart and your motives pure. Does this make sense?
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