StandingStrong

Well, for those of you that remember my last post about how I've finally been freed of the guilt that I've been carrying, you may also recall that I mentioned a very dear person to me in the process of my own guilt. In thinking further about it all, I realize too that I've also been suffering from self-loathing, which probably is alot of the reason that I've been carrying so much guilt.

I've tried to explain to my friend the how's and why's of my behavior and I've taken full responsibility in saying that it truly is my own fault (which it really is). And I've been willing to make amends and asked for another chance.
However, my friend has suffered a great deal of pain due to my behavior and now needs some time for himself to figure out his feelings, etc as he's under some stress and I sure didn't help matters.
It's been unbearably painful to realize that I caused someone so much pain and it hurts me terribly that I've lost someone that I loved dearly.

However, I am respecting his wishes and giving him the time and space that he asked for. And I'm trying to get better. Today I got up and I went to church - hoping to make amends there with my HP - and then I went and saw my grandson (he's a month and a half old and I'd not seen him yet due to some questions regarding paternity, etc) My point is that I am trying to do the right thing and make amends when and where I can.

In hindsite, I realize that many of the steps I have taken during my recovery were not taken in the right attitude. So, it's time for me once again to do them, and to do them right this time.

A part of me remembers that feeling of needing time and space - and I fear that my friend will never be my friend again. That pains me more than words can express here, but I can only hope to do better and prove to him as well that I truly am sorry. Unlike my XAH who drove me crazy, I want to prove that I can change and be a better person and that I learn from my mistakes.

One step at a time - one day at a time.

ICU

By giving him the time and space that he has asked for you are being respectful of his wishes. It's an action that he can see and you know what we all say about actions....

I hope in time he'll forgive whatever it is and be able to forgive and move on with you in his life. But in any event, you have done all you can do except for maybe one thing....I didn't hear you mention anything about forgiving yourself. That's equally important. I've found that when I can forgive myself, I am so much more ready and able to forgive others too.

StandingStrong

I know what you are saying ICU and I'm working on it. But I don't think I'm there yet.

I've also come to a point where I really despise my XAH! I never thought I'd feel that way and I'm not trying to place blame. But you know, he has destroyed so much in my life and I know that my actions and reactions have really come from my interactions with him. This makes me most angry at myself, as I realize now just how much like I'd come to be. I suppose it started out as a survival skill for having lived with him and dealt with the agonies of addiction. Still.....I never thought the day would come that I'd really feel such total disgust for one man - let alone him.

I guess I'm going through a really bad phase right now.

ICU

Survival skill....that's been a topic I've been exploring within myself for the last year or so. I'm still working on understanding it all, but this is where I am with it so far....

We all employ survival skills of some kind on a daily basis. And we use those particular skills for as long as there is a payoff and they work. Then the day comes when what used to work for us doesn't apply anymore, and acutally now hinders us; especially in new or different situations/relationships. We then learn 'better and more effective' survival skills to use.


(((StandingStrong))) That's okay though, even when it doesn't feel ok. It's part of the process and it's only temporary until we learn whatever it is we need to learn and then move forward.

cmc

You are doing the right thing by honoring your friend's wishes and if he is meant to be in your life...time will heal this. You are leaving it with him and if he can realize your genuine feelings and his, then he's a keeper. If not- then maybe this can be seen as a test of how strong this relationship really is. All that said- it's too soon to go on predicting what might happen but I just wanted to say that there is a good side to this however painful and uncertain it may be right now.
As I look back, the times I felt hatred were times when I had to learn to set some boundaries for myself and the other person(s), forgive and then watch my back so I would not be in such a situation again. Like you....when that intense emotion rose up in me, I was surprised and felt bad about it since it's not my typical way to react. I can relate to that... but from this side of it, not to diminish how incredibly hard this is for you- you are doing all the good recovery work _so well_ and your heart and actions are in a good place too. jmho.
hugs,
cmc

Cynay

You know SS...

I will bet that he comes around once he is not hurting. He would have had to be special to be in a relationship with you in the first place.... he is hurting right now and just needs time to get it all straight in his head.... but I find that people dont usually hold on to the pain and if there was love, it does not easily end.

Hold tight and work on forgiving yourself and keeping your side clean. The rest will fall into place.