try try again

Is anyone out there as angry as I am? I feel like my A has messed up my whole life! After 20+ years in his chaos, believing his lies, getting bankrupted by him, being spiritually, mentally and psychologically raped by him on a never-ending basis what do I have? He is gone, I told him to leave again, and now I feel empty. I'm more scared, sad, lonely and depressed than when he was here creating chaos. I feel that I don't know how to function without him and I'm afraid that that low self esteem is going to lead me right back to him which I don't want. I'm trying to build a better life for myself, but I'm afraid I'm going to self sabotage and end up right back in the same mess. I don't know how to get past this anger and all the other crappy emotions so I can learn to take care of me, not to mention my kids. HELP

cmc

Welcome to a place where you can learn to follow through on what you have already shared. Coming to this forum and by attending Alanon meetings will show you how others have learned to live better with this disease. Much better.

Learning to direct the anger into something productive is what our recovery is all about....taking care of YOU and doing what is good for your kids too.
I hope you will take some time to read all the stickys on the top of the page and look at as many posts as you are able. Others have gone before you and soon will drop in to share what worked (works) for them.
I look forward to seeing you around!

ICU

You have you! And an opportunity to change your life one step at a time.

Anger is a part of the grieving process. No matter how angry we get at our exes, there is still the grieving for the loss of our hope and dreams (amongst other things) that we eventually have to deal with.

I think it's healthy that you can feel the anger. I had to work up to that for quite awhile.

Venting here, journaling, Al-Anon, and counseling are all positive ways to work through that and to get you to where you want to be.

Keep coming back, ok?

Bjen

Hi! Glad you are here. Keep coming here and read, read, read. You'll get lots of good advice like CMC's.
Take time for yourself. Don't be scared about him coming back. You don't have to let him and if he's been around for 20 years, he'll be around. If you worry about him being gone forever that is. Focus on you, go ahead and be mad for a while. I took and anger management course (for and with my A) years ago and found out that I was angrier than him! YIKES! But I learned there that anger isn't usually a single emotion. It is the way we react to the other emotions we don't like. Break it down and deal with it a little at a time.

If you're like me, it comes from HURT!! frustration, sadness, exhaustion ect. I know the life I want and he screwed it up!!! ARRRGH! Now look at me! Look what he did!! Well, I finally had to realize that I choose how I feel about me and my life. I have to fix it, he can't fix me. Anymore than I can fix him and his life!! Even if my A chooses to change his life to what I wanted to share with him, I still have my problems from what we lived before. I still have to fix me. It sucks. I like me a lot better before I was with him for 16 years. In fact, he liked me better too. Sad. But, I know now that I have to do for me. I have to enjoy what I like. Take a different perspective. Sometimes you have to shrug your shoulders, say "oh well" that was yesterday, this is today and step out of that box. Go do something fun with your kids and just watch thier faces. I love watching kids expressions when they don't know you're looking at them and focus on the good in them.

I don't know how old they are. But my neice is 4. Sometimes I follow her around and copy everthing she does. When she gets excited she hops around and squeals with one arm up in the arm. It feels stupid but try it. It makes you feel better. They think it is fun too. Or something similar. Pick out something you love and appreciate them and focus on it. It'll get your spirits up and help you get out of your rut.

I get down and angry a lot too. Sometimes I just decide that I am going to let myself feel that way. But I set a time limit. Then I take a deep breath and move past it. It gets easier the more you do it. You have a right to feel the way you do but you have a choice as to what to do with it.

Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing. You will be OK. We all will. HUGS OOXX B

Bjen

Good advice like ICU's too! (I didn't mean to leave you out! that wasn't there when I started typing). I sure am windy!!

kermit

When I first was "on my own" I too felt sad, lonely and scared. I thought I would never make it, one year later I have a job, good friends I have met here and in alanon. There are many times I'm still so very weak. I llok at my kids and think, "i want more for them" so I pick myself up and keep pushing to make life as beautiful as I can. Welcome and don't give up on yourself the feeling fade with time you just have to willing to move and Push forward, You will be happy you did.
Love ya, Kermmie

denny57

Hi try, try - I just came from a doctor's visit where he reminded me, you lived with it 18 years - try not to stress over the fact that a little over a year later you still haven't regained all your feelings of self worth. He also said it's why it can be so important to stop contact, if only for a while. Someone who has manipulated me for 18 years knows exactly how to continue to do it, and my thinking has not progressed so much that I am out of the woods. I no longer worry that I would go back to it, but I think I am still vulnerable to believing him when he tells me I'm not good enough.

((()))

AllTooSober

I used to be angry when I still lived with my ex-A, but that anger seems to have vanished now that I've moved out. I realize now that my anger was more at myself for not having the nerve to do what I knew I had to for myself, and for allowing myself to be subjected to bad treatment. Not sure if this helps you but I just wanted to share.

lilac

Hi ! and welcome to SR ..... You have come to the right place !

I have found that my anger is probably directed more at me for not stopping the situation when I should have......I still get so frustrated.

It is part of our recovery.

Much love to you....

hope2bhappy

"What doesn't kill us, makes us stronger." Anger can be a good thing. It can help you maintain your boundaries, and it can serve as a reminder of where we have been and why we don't want to be there anymore.

Seeking Wisdom

I know I spent many years feeling very angry at all the confusion and betrayal I felt having invested my life in a marriage that required 2 committed people to make successful ... but after many years of ups and downs and increasing misery ... I realized I was fighting a losing battle - not with the man I married...but with his alcohol addiction that took years to discover. I think this is what happens with most relationships with alcoholics, many times we don't realize they are alcoholics until we have invested many years waiting for things to get better and trying to figure out what the problem really is ... and only after years of never ending chaos ... and accumulating significant evidence of alcohol abuse .. plus our own self education ... that we find out we are losing a battle with an formidable foe that we can't win against - alcohol addiction.

I believe many innocent lives are destroyed because our society does not educate people on awareness of the destructive behaviors of addicts. There is education to warn people of the dangers of addictive substances ... but I believe far more people are damaged and hurt from the collateral damage of having an addict in their immediate family, than is done to the alcoholic themselves. I know my husband blocked out, denied and was in a alcoholic fog throughout most of his alcoholic years... where those around him felt the unfiltered, raw reality of the damage that behavior created. I have personally come to believe that no one should enter into a marriage or have children with an active alcoholic ... but we would first have to recognize the patterns of behavior to avoid and few of use have that knowledge until we have lived through it ... and there in lies the problem. We deserve the best life we can manage .... but once we have entered into a long term relationship with an addict ... our lives are forever changed and moving on with our lives can be a significant challange.

mallowcup

Once they are gone, you realize how much time and energy they required. There is a big hole there where all that nonsense used to be. I'd say it's time to remember to enjoy the journey and not worry so much about the destination. You don't have to figure it all out today. Spring is just around the corner and we'll all be getting outside to a new season.
Why not plan some things you love. I love gardening. I have lots of seeds to plant. Have you considered a pet? Bringing some new things into your home and your life helps create new.......just new.

free2be

try,try again.

I too am angry, pissed off and sometimes I am in total disbelief. I feel lost, scared, sad and uncertain.

You have come to a great place. The understaning, love and compassion that is here is something that blew me out of the water. I had spent so many years lying because no one would understand. I finally am able to be honest.

(((((HUGS))))))

I think I went from being addicted to AH, to being addicted to SR. Making better choices.

MsGolightly

hi try try, i know what boat you're in all too well. i *think* that i have finally reached the point where i'm not crawling back to my A anymore. but i too, am struggling with feeling empty, scared, lonely, and depressed. i feel like when i had my A in my life, at least i had some weird sense of security. now that she's gone, i don't know what to do with myself. i don't enjoy being alone, especially when i can think about the person she was when she was sober for over a year, and all the good times we had. i'm trying to keep myself busy (i started a new book that i'm very engrossed in!) and i'm spending time with family and friends as much as i can. obviously, there are many times of the day where i am alone, where i feel like i can't function without calling her, where i just need to hear her voice to put me at ease... but whenever we hang up, i always feel the same sense of emptiness. plus, it always ends in a fight. i'm starting to wonder what the point is... maybe i'm just better off dealing with my low self-esteem, wallowing in it for a few days, until i personally can't handle it anymore

i've actually stopped crying over saying goodbye to my A... it's been almost 24 hours since i shed a tear over her, and it was the first night in months that i fell asleep without crying, without feeling lonely and empty, and the first night where i slept ALMOST all the way through the night without waking up to think about her...

i finally think i'm getting there. being a codie stinks!

MsGolightly

oh! and in addition to mallowcup, i think a pet would be worthwhile. when i bought my dog almost a year ago, it was amazing how much laughter and companionship he brought into my life... just a thought!

bonbon

Welcome here! Gosh you have found a place where you can get alot of help and support whenever you feel like you need it. Go back and read some of my intial posts and we sound almost similar. It disheartens me to read your post because I know the shoes you are wearing and how they feel, and I know your hurt and pain.

But you cant make all the changes you want to make in one stab, gotta take small steps and count them towards the big ones. It seems impossible, it seems like your heart is being ripped out, because it has, not by your A but by the disease. The beauty is that you can relax, because only you can control how you want to react to the situation, and to him. And you can sit down and think about what one thing can you do for YOU today. Can you watch a movie you have been wanting to see? Is there anything you have been putting off doing because you have been dealing with his bs or behaviors? We become over time equally addicted to the addict as they are to the DOC<----drug of choice. Keep that in mind, and all those crazy angry thoughts of being robbed that you have can go away if you allow them to and realize you can do nothing for him.

You have been robbed, hurt, humiliated, etc etc NOW is the time for you to heal yourself.

My prayers are with you! Just think of one thing that would make you happy to do if you have time to today. 1 thing. Just for Today. Dont worry about tomorrow yet or how you will feel, you deal with tomorrow when it gets here. In the mean time you have a place where people are and have been exactly where you are right now.

I use to post sometimes hourly on this site, until it all finally started to make sense to me.

Welcome, dont go anywhere but stick around and get it all off your chest.

Nuudawn

Anger is part of the process of grieving loss. You're right where you should be. I have to agree with AllTooSober... I know that most of my anger has to do with my responsibility and actions in the equation. How could I let someone so toxically wounded into my own sanctum - just to pee all over me - time and again? Why did I let this happen? Yep, that's where most of my anger is.

When we are experiencing a loss; when we are asking ourselves "how the heck did I get here???"... we are in crisis. The roots of the word crisis are greek in origin. "Krisis" means a turning point/ a time of decision. Where you are is painful but you are smack dab in the middle of saying goodbye to a life that no longer serves you...pain you can no longer endure and saying "hello" to a new life rich with possibility. Letting go is never a painless or comfortable process. How many of us remain in a familiar hell because we are too afraid to risk the unknown heaven.

You are exactly where you are supposed to be...right now.

dreamwvr

Very inspirational! I know that I have been there also. That frustration, hurt, sadness and exhaustion of everything just builds up, especially when you are trying to deal with someone that is not actually on the same page as you. You think that you are on the same page, only to find out you are really not is heartwretching. I know for a fact that it does bother me and some of my reactions to my A have not been healthy. I know there has been quite a few times that I am ashamed of the way I behaved. The sad part is if one of my children acted the way that I did on certain occations or said some of things that I have said, they would be in trouble. I know that I can apologize for the things that I have said or done and then move forward. Thanks Bjen!