Godhelpme

I've been thinking about this today....the "potential" I saw in my AH, that potential that made it so difficult to give up on him, on us.

Truth is, when I really study it, his potential was gone long ago! I underestimated the potential of, the power of - alcoholism! When I reflected on my AH, I could vividly recall the him I met decades ago -- the wonderful charm, the intelligence, the wit, the manly man kinda guy he was that so attracted me. Of course over the years all those things disappeared. I held on to that original picture of him, despite all the things that had transpired between us over the years...It was the "potential" that he could be that same person again one day that kept me staying here and coming back for more.

I've learned the hard way that if someone isn't actively living up to their potential, don't bother! Chances are, they never will.

Perhaps what I saw in him wasn't really potential anyway? Afterall, it was short-lived, and the person he's been presenting to me for the last 20 years is really who he is. I see that now....

And even so.....it's hard to fully let go.

Yet, let go I must. Because he's not ever going to be what I wanted, needed, or what I thought he could be.

Somehow today...I'm struggling with this a little. A ying yang, if you will, between my intellect and my emotions. Perhaps because I know the time is nearing when I will be moving out for good and recalling the last time I moved out and nothing changed. I left with the hope he could sober up. I was disappointed,... again. This time, I KNOW what to expect....and it just feels kinda icky to me. And yet, knowing what to expect, at the same time, makes it a little easier to simply "move on".....

Yep - that's what I'm gonna do.

~ghm

AllTooSober

(((GHM))) this is tough stuff but it sounds like you're doing well to take care of YOU. Please continue to let us know how you're doing.

denny57

The first Al-Anon meeting I ever led was a literature one. I used a reading on "potential." About a paragraph in I started sobbing uncontrollably. It took me about 15 minutes to get through 3 paragraphs. I had not had that reaction when reading it at home, but to say the words out loud were powerful. That was a real turning point for me - knowing, as you say, that the potential I had seen 18 years earlier was just that, potential unfulfilled.

Thank you for your post.

lilac

(((GodHelpMe)))

I believe everything is part of our recovery.....sometimes our HP just wants to make sure you know what you are doing is the "right" thing.

My heart goes out to you right now. Be gentle with yourself.

newenglandgirl

Thank you Godhelpme for that post!
I needed to hear that tonight.
A good reminder indeed.

Boy - ain't it so true that we can get so darn intoxicated by those glipses and memories of who they were/who they can be!?

It kind of reminds me of Wantsout's post yesterday about how those mice got addicted to pressing the lever that did not always produce a goodie.

mazey

Ending a relationship with the alcoholic husband/so/bf is prolly one of the top ten DISAPPOINTMENTS in lives! We have seen and loved the man, but the addicition has not kept him the man he was or could've been. Actually, we are not who we were or could've been. Losing hope is a painful thing. But, losing yourself is even more painful. Get YOU back.....and live the life YOU want.

starting_over

"Potential" is probably the word my husband despised above all others - he's heard it all his life. But you know, it was true - still is - he has such potential. And he wastes it inside a beer can, or a crack pipe, or a joint...it's really very sad. I wish someday I could learn what is hurting him so badly. But I couldn't stay...his choices were killing me. I guess i'll never know now. But I know he had potential...

Godhelpme

Thank you (((all))). I'm sorry you can relate to or understand where I'm at.

It seems to be a common thread amongst so very many of us here...that hope against hope that the alcoholics in our lives could possibly ever again be the person we once knew, fell in love with, planned a life around, etc.

And yes, as you said Mazey -- losing ourselves is incredibly painful. It happens much like the alcoholic's disease progresses...slowly and subtly.

It amazes me how I've 'hung in here' for so long....feeling like a prisoner in a Nazi concentration camp....all work, no fun, watching those I love die around me with no support or comfort to be found with the AH, and that intense hunger that goes unsatisfied while I myself shrivel up and die a slow, painful death of sorts. And yet, I stayed....

Over the years, a close girlfriend of mine and a skilled therapist both tried to help me see that leaving would be good for me. It was as if they were waving a ticket about, offering me a free pass out of Auschwitz....and I was like "No, thanks. I think I'll stay. Because I think they're going to turn this into a resort one day!!" (lol)

I thought I saw 'potential' here with AH, but truth is, it was never going to happen, and it still isn't ever going to. And now I know....

~ghm

chero

Reading through these posts I couldn't help but wonder if alcohol has kept any of us living with As from reaching our potential? Wonder if there is somebody in our lives looking at us and saying look at all the potential she/he had and hasn't seen it fulfilled because they are consumed with or tormented with that A in their life.

FormerDoormat

I'm sure that we all have friends and family who wondered why we codies accepted such unacceptable behavior from the addicts in our lives for so long. And I'm sure they told us so over and over again. Yet we each failed to hear what they were saying until we were ready to listen.

One of the skills I'm trying to learn in my recovery journey is the ability to listen carefully to what others are saying about themselves and listen carefully to what others are saying to me.

denny57

I have been very successful in life, though I never cured the alcoholic. :-) I don't know what I may have accomplished if I hadn't spent so much time trying to cure him. There were times I certainly blamed him for opportunities missed. I guess I'll be seeing what I can do now.

Good question.

hope2bhappy

You are very thoughtful and sad right now thinking about what someone else could have been if it wasn't for the alcoholism. The lost potential. But never say never. You have no idea how things might change for your A once you leave and decide to fulfill your own potential. I used to feel the exact same way you do, as I helplessly watched my A wither away to almost nothing. Such a waste of a life.

Last night, I attended family group therapy at my AH's treatment facility. I sat in a room with about 20 A's who are experiencing a re-birth... a new life... 20 A's with "potential." It was really a wonderful thing to witness sobriety in the works... each one a miracle to their family member.

So, never say never. It does happen. But it will happen a lot faster once you take steps to discover and build on your OWN potential. I wish you all the best.

MsGolightly

These posts were all really what I needed to read today. I've been having a really difficult time lately, especially when forcing myself to separate the potential from the real person. It's just so sad, especially when they don't realize or don't care what they are doing... just flat out unwilling to change or not wanting to make an effort to.

fluffyflea

Forget potential I learnt I had to go with reality.

Earthworm

Nuudawn

As a newly recovering alcoholic myself, I shudder when I think of my own wasted potential...but I have new hope. And I too fell in love with a still using alcoholic/addict with truckloads of potential...some of which he accomplished and is now actively destructing. It's heartbreaking for me cuz I know EXACTLY where he is. I know that it is impossible for him to see what is truly going on. I know that until you have discovered recovery you are completely oblivious to everything and have no idea that what you grab to ease the pain, lonelieness, frustration and despair is perpetuating exactly that. I went to my ex in my own early recovery and spoke my own truth..as that is all I could do. Hardest thing I ever did and I truly felt that my HP guided me there...but I know that my words and personal revelations fell on deaf ears. If we are lucky, the pain becomes unbearable and the booze/drugs just don't do the trick anymore and we seek a better way.

try try again

I thought I was the only one who has been waiting for a lifetime for someone to realize how wonderful they are and live up to their potential. Are their really that many other people out their that have spent years for them to realize that they are woth something more, to realize that our kids and our marriage is worth something more and we all deserve to succeed? Well, I've finally given up, I think. I asked him to leave, he's gone, but now I can't wait for the phone to ring or to get the e-mail that now he's realized and will change. I truly can't say I won't take him back, believe his lies, start all over thinking he loves me, but One Day At A Time I will try to realize MY potential, live the life I deserve and give the kids the life THEY deserve. Pray for me.

MsPINKAcres

My heart looks for the potential

My A wants to be judge by his Intentions

And my head goes by the actions

No wonder our household can be crazzzy

Sammypoo456

I have been holding on to the person i fell in love with for three years now and he is not the same person he was at the begining. Its like i keep holding on thinkin maybe one day he will come back... But how much longer can you hold on

Bernadette

Hi sammypoo-
This is an old thread - oldie but goodie!

Here is a great thread on "their potential" from the "Classic Reading" stickie at the top of the first page of this forum.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...potential.html

And there are lots of other great threads in there.

How much longer can you hold on? I'd say it depends on what exactly it is you're holding on to. If it is an illusion you could hold on forever if you continue to transact in denial. If you can get rational and accept the reality of your situation, you can make positive changes for yourself anytime.

Glad you're here! Stick around! (((((hugs))))) And remember your own potential!!!
peace-
b