luvserenity

Hi all....I love the thread "Would he be different with someone else?"

It really helped me a lot to read it. Sorry this is long but I Have a lot of feelings to get out here.

I'm 5 months into the final break up from my XAABF (alcoholic addict). I'm full of confusing emotions at times. I still struggle with "Is it my fault?" and thinking that he wasn't the messed up one it was me. He was very good at making many things my fault (and I accepted the blame and ended up apologizing for things I didn't do wrong!) And yes, sometimes I screwed up and will accept responsibility for that. I love the example of the intermittent rewards of love, because that's EXACTLY how this relationship was. I would get the intermittent love reward and it kept me coming back for more.

He talked about marriage A LOT...and when I started to talk about it and think about it he would freak and say he wasn't ready. This was confusing to me and a blow to my self esteem (that I think was high before I ended up with him, and now I'm scraping it out of the mud). It's still a blow to my self esteem that he didn't want to marry me...how could you not want to marry me?! He made it sound like he would for SURE. Now of course that's gone, and so easy for him, to just walk away. He said he could never live without me. But he's living without me now...I feel so confused by it all.

I called it off at last, I finally knew after 3 years that his partying days were nowhere near over. He was a complete JERK many many times, memories of which make me wonder why I didn't leave him earlier. But anyway, I did leave him so that's the good thing!!! I'm an AA too btw.

So - this brings me to my latest dilemma. I've been in relationships for at least 15 years pretty much straight. I've never been alone this long. And I feel lonely. It even took me a while to identify the feeling, cuz I've never felt it before! I am planning on doing the year without relationship thing (4 months into recovery right now) and I know that it's a good thing for me, and I am growing more than I ever have before...

But I'm catching myself missing him. And wondering how his life is now with his new girl he's "totally in love with" (he called drunk and high to tell me this, a month after we broke up). How could he call me and tell me that by the way? And how is he so in love with someone a month after our break up? I "know" it's because he's sick too...but that knowledge isn't really making any difference in my feelings.

I'm sad..I'm missing someone in my life (not him, but he's my closest memory of someone I had in my life like that so I fantasize about him)...I have friends, but of course they're not available all the time....I'm in therapy, going to meetings almost every night, got a cake commitment at an NA meeting...I journal...I post here...

How do you get past the lonlieness?

Sunflower

I don't know what wrong with me but I have never had the lonliness..I suppose I had it initially but I left my XAH so many years ago---I actually like being alone--I have never remarried--not that I wouldn't if the right person came along--but at 49 I am set in my ways. As a single woman I have the opportunity to do many things-travel-study etc...I think you are right to wait a year--just do whats best for you now-ONLY YOU---you will start to like it I am telling ya...Join a gym-take a class--long baths with a good book--on and on--be good to yourself!!!
As far as him calling you--just a cheap manipulation again from him---let the new girlfriend have him.....

best

Time and growth gets you past it.
With time, you come to realize that his lies were just that and you are not what his words and actions say.... You are so much more and so much better.
Why would he call and say he is in love? Denial and lies to himself.
Ever buy something new and when you first bring it home...Wow this is so great then a week or so later you put it on a shelf. 6 months later you start asking yourself...why did I ever buy that thing? That is a form of denial. We don't like telling ourself that we made a mistake. His calling you is just that...his denial and knowing he made a huge mistake.
I remember those feelings so well... it can't be me so it must be you.
What I found out later once I found recovery...it was me all along and denial kept me blind to the truth I didn't want to accept. Don't listen to his lies.

Time and growth will show you just how wonderful you are and how you deserve only the very best out of life.

denny57

(((luvserenity)))

Like frizzy, I have not had to deal with loneliness much. I've always been that way. But I wanted to let you know I was thinking of you and send you good thoughts. Hang in there, it will get better every day.

best

I would say that you learned to like yourself is why. When we become accepting of the facts of how nice "we" are, we become less lonely when we are with ourself. Hey Look at me...I am a nice person to be around with. I like being with me. yes...learning to like myself as I figured out what were the lies of others didn't fit the truth of who I am and sure did help me find peace when by myself.

SaTiT

Sorry you feel that way.

Out of all things , I just got some instructions
on breaking up for long term relationship on the web.
it gave me some type of a guidelines, tips and hints to follow and some insights and goals.

Yeap...it was actually the first time I lived by myself
in my entire life. I've always have peaple around me.
I remember a puppy following me home the first night.
It was wierd..It was if thou something knew I couldn't
be alone. I kept the puppy as long as I could.

Yeap...yeap...I re-arranged the furniture too...and I'm a guy.lol Yeap my head was messing me when I'm alone.
I had to get rid of reminders....or triggers. it was hard
but i set and cried as I packed everything that reminded
me of her.

So I kept bussi. I got into a hobbi and actaully pick-up
my guitar after decades.

I even bought flowers.lol.....I'm a guy.
I felt so damn bad...plus it was in the instructions.
I couldn't see any beauty in life.
So I'd staired at the flowers for hours.
I killed the first plant...I watered it too much.lol
I killed the second plant....I didn't love it enough.
The third one servived longer.
I was at an emotional wreack...I cried when the plants died. But it was a growning process for me.
I didn't know how to process losts.

I had friends...it was touch and go...They would
check up on me...just to makesure.lol

I also kept a journal.
I found out...mmm I'm not so hard to live with.
Being single was pretty cool.

Six months....t...t..t...
That's almost dating time.lol
Yes...yes...what was I to do?
I aint a stud like I use to 2 B .lmaf
And how the hell do you date...it'd been so long.

DATING...oki doki DATING only dating.
Don't run out and get married.lol

luvserenity

Thank you all for your helpful responses!!

I too have re-kindled my hobby (music), I have a couple plants and a kitty that I somehow manage to keep alive I go to the gym, I tell myself that I'm better off and I'm a wonderful, beautiful person and there's so much better coming for me, God has amazing things in store for me...and the feelings still come up.

Maybe I was triggered by being on business travel today and being near the city he moved to after I moved out...yep, I bet that's it. Ok, so I noticed I was lonely when I saw the sign pointing to his new city, but then what do you do when you get triggered? How do you combat it? I guess get to the gym, or take a bath, or I like the idea of buying flowers and staring at them!!! Something to get myself out of it...(instead of wallowing - but don't we need to do that too? To work through all the feelings completely instead of ignoring them or trying to replace them?)

Thanks all again!! Really this board is a Godsend!!!

embraced2000

time....time.....and more time.....then some more time.

only thing that helped me. along with al-anon, this forum, and reading.

and the dating thing? pffffttt!!!! all i could manage to do was a handshake! i tried to date, but it just didn't work. i am 54 years old and stuck my hand out to shake a mans hand at the end of the date. roflmao!!!!!

what a hoot.

SaTiT

You just know they're triggers
I guess the more we learn to luv ourselve, the lest it
bothers us. We learn to enjoy life...our lives.

Lmaf...I wasn't into going to bars.
So I go jogging everyday after work...t..t..t
After all I was single and I had to do my own laundry.
I luved thursday night...it was laundry night.
The single women had to do laundry too.
Sometimes I'll go put in extra loads on sunday nights.lol
What woman wouldn't like a guy that knows how to do his own
dirty laundry.lmaf

The apt was stupid clean too....just in case.lol
All my friends would walk in and say...wtf !!!
Your place is freaken cleaner then clean.

luvserenity

I feel like I can't date or even go anywhere to scope out hot single guys?? There's been a few guys that have come into my life (who come on really strong too, even after I tell them I can't date - what's up with that?! sidebar...) AAANyway, I find it too distracting right now...

Aaaanyway again, it sounds like I don't like my life or myself...I do! Life is wonderful and full of joy and simply amazing!!! And sometimes it's not ...

hah! Thanks again all, you're awesome!

denny57

luv, I think it really is just acknowledging what you're feeling and moving on. I know no matter how much recovery I have, life isn't going to turn into some big picnic - it comes at ya! But it is grand :-).

luvserenity

ok-that works for me....thanks Denny!

Sunflower

I was so glad to get away from my xAH-the last thing I wanted was another man!!! I just wanted a peaceful life-do what I want when I want.
I hear ya about the dating--I haven't done it in sooo long--men hit on me alot but I don't notice? Thats what others tell me..haha...oh well..-I wouldn't mind a ''good friend"" guy kindof companion--I know its to late for me to change sooo--LEARNING TO LOVE YOURSELF IS THE GREATEST LOVE OF ALL

KATIE77

I am so sorry you are finding it so hard. I too have been there and to be honest I am just grateful my emotional scars cannot be seen on the outside because I would look like one scary monster!
It has taken me a long long time to get used to not being with him. I am seeing someone else (now 2 years on) however I do still think about things. But then I remember all the bad things and to be honest I wouldnt want that in my future. As for him seeing someone else well look at it is that he is no longer your "problem". Alcoholism is a disease and it will make no difference to who he is with. You cant change him nor will she. The only one who can is him. Recovery is a long a rocky road with a lot of heartache along the way. Let someone else go for that ride with him honey. You move on. You deserve better. Look forwards to your new future. ((HUG))

luvserenity

Thank you so much for your kind words Katie! I'm doing much better, after venting on here a LOT! I'm sure it'll come back up...but to figure out that I was really more lonely and missing someone in my life, but not him, and to remember all the HORRIBLE drama and ways I allowed him to treat me, helps me to move on in my mind and heart. And I try to stay in an attitude of gratitude and be thankful for all the wonderful things I DO have!

Thanks again!

hope2bhappy

You ARE a beautiful, wonderful person. You have your whole life in front of you.

Your ex could not be with someone who was getting "better" because he was still sick. Now... about the other woman... what has she got that you don't have? A nowhere relationship with an active alcoholic/addict.

Count your blessings, for you have many

hope2bhappy

P.S. I've heard about the no-relationship-for-1-year rule. What does your sponsor say about everything?

MsGolightly

luv, I too struggle with this very often. I am only beginning to let go, and every glimmer of hope I get, every time my phone rings, my heart beats so much faster and I'm so much lonelier after. The loneliness is what scares me. The feeling that she has moved on to someone else, the feeling that she won't be there when I need her, like she always promised she would be (despite all the times I was there for her, with family issues, etc.). My constant companion, who I love with all my heart, is gone and has moved on, and it's something that's so hard for me to face. It's one thing to be alone, and it's another thing to have the person you love so much move onto someone else so quickly.

I know the feeling all too well, and I wish I had the answers... But I'm not even sure how to help myself

TheGirlInside

Luvserenity,

Yikes! Does that sound familiar!! You sound like you are doing great...I know what it feels like to long so desperately for the warm loving touch of being wrapped up in a gentle, loving, kind man's arms (not to mention longing for all the "other" stuff...ahem) -is it warm in here or just me?-

You seem to be doing the things you need to do, and which are healthy for you. Recognizing the loneliness is a good sign. Give yourself credit for that, and also for not just blindly running to another guy to make you feel better. I've tried that a few times too many, and it never works.

My suggestion is to keep this post somewhere and read it again in a week, then again in a month, and you will see how far you have come since writing it.

I think that petting my kittens and hugging my children helps me to fill in that "human touch" loneliness, and I also am fortunate to have a couple of friends who will give me hugs...I know, it pales in comparison, but I for one am nowhere near being in a place, socially or emotionally, to be inviting romance into my life.