free2be

How far do people go to try and control their A's drinking and happiness. I am questioning myself and my motives. I was filling out this form for the lawyer, a statement of net worth. After I was done he and I talked about it, he said to me that it is common to live beyond your means. I have been thinking about it alot. I am not really sure if that is correct. I mean it's correct we definatly are/were living beyond our means but, I do not have diamonds and furs. I tried to think of where all the money has gone. I began to realize that material things made my AH happy. I was trying to make him feel good. Show him how far he had come and what he had achieved. materialisticly(sp). I thought if he had things to show, his kids had the best he would feel better about himself and he did for short periods of time. I am not sure really how to explain it. I found that if we were doing work on the house he would come home everyday to check up on the workers and the progress they had made. I didn't have to worry about him taking off on a binge. So, we had house project after house project. Deeper and deeper into debt. I took care of the finances. So I am questioning if maybe it was me and not knowing how to handle money or was it just another way to try and control him? If I am looking for a cop out and shift my part and responsibility to him?

splendra

interesting....

I think it is possible you are on to something.

splendra

...also I commend you highly for taking responsibility of your part in the maddness!!!!

((((free2be))))

lilac

You could be onto something !! I never thought of this angle.

I seem to have more money with out my A around. He would always want to do this project for the house, go on this trip , etc.......and I just went along.

prodigal

.... but it can sure divert your attention from lots of problems in the short-term, can't it? You kept the projects going which kept him off the booze (for a time), he felt good that he could afford to have these projects completed and have something concrete to show that he was a "success" (for a time), and it gave both of you something else to focus on other than his disease and your part in the mess (for a time).

It was what I would consider "quasi-control" because it wasn't really control; in fact, it was denial with a capital "D."

LaTeeDa

I know exactly where you are coming from. I tried so many things thinking if he just had something else to focus on, he wouldn't need to drink. There were vacations, some all together as a family, some just the two of us. There were toys (a boat), projects, and probably many other things I haven't even connected yet. And, you're right, it did always seem to help. But only for a short time and then things went right back to how they were, or worse. Looking back, it was definitely attempts to control. And desperation of not knowing what else to do.........

L

free2be

Denial? Do tell? I am very anxious to undestand myself. Trying to learn from mistakes.

free2be

Trying to thank you thingy but, the clicky thing isn't working. So:

The following user says thank you to "all" for your useful post:

free2be (today)

prodigal

Denial is a mask of many faces. I sat back the other day and released my emotions. I just sat quietly and acted as if I had walked into my house as a total stranger. I looked at my behaviors, AH's behaviors, and the numerous dances we had danced together. I didn't place blame on him or or me. I just looked at the facts as dispassionately as possible.

I stuffed my face with food. I went on starvation diets. My weight went up 30 pounds, then it went down 30 pounds. I would take myself out to lavish dinners. I would spend his money very well, thank you. I'd examine his behaviors. I'd throw my hands up in the air in frustration trying to understand my own behaviors. I'd analyze everything and anything. I'd give him the cold shoulder. I'd give him sex. I'd scream. I'd be screamed at. I could go on and on, ad nauseum.

There was nothing authentic or self-affirming about my life. My denial has been firmly entrenched in me since I was a child. I always spent time figuring out other people and observing their actions. I let other people define me. I let other people dictate my emotions: "She makes me so **** mad," "He's such a jerk when he talks like a know-it-all," "Where did she get THAT outfit?" Blah, blah, blah.

It is amazing the lengths to which we will go in order to do anything other than face our problems and how those problems become seemingly too big to handle the longer we refuse to face them.

free2be

Pordigal-
Interesting, I kind of see what you are saying.Like "there are no problems here" "look at what we have and are doing"" We are the perfect Cleaver family"? Maybe?

prodigal

It's the finish on the furniture we're admiring and not the wood beneath all that gloss. Nice cars. Nice house. Nice furniture. Pool in the backyard. Kids in private schools. Throw fun parties with lots of friends mingling in our beautifully manicured backyard on a perfect summer day. There's nothing wrong with having nice things and having good times. But when dad's a drunk, mom is suffering from migraines, and Johnny is not getting good grades in school, all that "nice" stuff can be a coverup for lots of issues and problems that keep cropping up no matter how hard we try to hold the lid on things.

HolyQow

We hide it just as well as the A hides it when we are in full-blown codependant mode. It might also be why none of our family/friends think there is that big of a problem when we finally try to tell them how it really is.....they can only see the picket fence and nothing on the inside. Looks great from out there........

steve11694

While in overt addiction, being financially broke has little or no meaning. Example; my AW would call everyone we knew to borrow money when I refused to give her. She'd use the overdraft protection feature on the bank account. The bank will actually let you withdraw more than what is in the account and tack on a 20+ service fee. Great for the bank if you go 40 dollars in the red they make 50% interest immediately. Even being evicted from an apt or roomate is no problem. The addict will con someone else into letting them live in a place until that person realizes the rent will not be paid. Lying, scamming, conning become spontaneous as it is the only way to survive.
I have seen my wife blow money on booze not leaving funds to eat with.
They do not care about budgeting nor appear to be capable of it. Rationalizations such as "things will get better" "if I work more" etc etc help denial and delusion.
Don't be surprised if the addict tells you he loves you, if it will keep you ENABLING him. Chances are the addict may not even be thinking of you as the substance and associated people become the only thing meaningful in life.

hope2bhappy

It sounds to me that you benefitted from all of these things and renovations just as much as your AH did. They were for both of you... not just him. Personally, I think you are way over analyzing. Just my opinion.

kermit

I have done the same.. Made sure he (we) had everything we wanted because "he had come such a long way" but it never hit me untill I read this thread. thank you, it outs things in perspective for me, he always wanted bigger and better and instead of saying no I just let him get these things, that I am now paying for because he has left.
What a great post! Thanks for the eye opener

denny57

That was me, too, kermit. I was always encouraging AH to buy whatever he wanted because I thought then he'd be happy and get sober. It also felt like we were doing something "together." I am as much to blame as he for the current financial stuff.

StandingStrong

What lengths do we go too? I'd venture to say that it depends on just how codependant we are. And the more codependant we are, the further lengths we go too.

I feel that your questioning your roles and trying to find the answers are the key here. And I hope that when you find your answers, you'll find peace.

We all do crazy things and we all make mistakes and goodness knows that when it comes to trying to control an A, we've all done some pretty crazy things!

Sunflower

could be---see you never know what goes on in someone elses house--all your neighbors are probably envious of all the work you have had done--I don't think you should beso hard on yourself--you did what you thought would distract him and keep him happy--I hope the house is inyour name....

free2be

Did I benefit? In some ways yes and in some no. Like I said I handled the finances. So, for example last year, he couldn't take it anymore. work, life stress. He needed to get away. So, even though I knew we could not afford it. I booked a vacation to the islands. To try and help him to relax. Meanwhile, I couldn't relax at all. I kept thinking how are we going to pay for this. Although he did not drink, he went behind some tree's with the natives to buy weed. He actually brought it back to the states. (up his butt).
So that is my question. Was I looking to make belive things on the outside were great for myself? Or was this just another codie thing and I was/am a lot sicker than I thought? I kind of see both sides.