AllTooSober

Hi all--I wrote recently and mentioned that my ex-A fiance has been calling me since I moved out, and that I started to not listen to his messages. The thing is, just knowing he's called bothers me, and I've been considering changing my cell phone number (my new house phone number is unlisted).

Then I got to worrying a little... if all the sudden my number is disconnected and he can't leave messages, what are the chances he'll come looking for me? Show up at work? Who knows what? I don't *think* he'd bother, but you just never know.

Part of me thinks that as long as he can leave a message he won't try anything beyond that. He doesn't seem to be getting the hint that I'm not going to call him back, as the calls are getting more frequent (every other day at most, which really isn't terrible but it's still too much).

I can set up my cell phone to forward to my house when I don't answer it, and I set up my home phone to NOT accept calls at all from specific numbers. This might be better than changing my cell number, as it might be less alarming to him than having my number suddenly go dead.

For those of you who've been where I am now, what were your experiences with this?

Lovestoomuch

Dejavu...or however you spell it.

I just went through this with my exabf. Everyone thought I was crazy for NOT changing my numbers, but my thoughts on it were exactly the thoughts you're having right now!!

My ex was the type who would have just showed up if he couldn't have had some form of contact with me.......example......via telephone. I found that as long as he could leave me a message, I always knew what he was up to and he didn't just come over unannounced.

Of course my situation could have been a bit different, as my ex was completely obsessed and couldn't for the life of him accept the relationship was over. I didn't change my numbers for safety reasons actually. "Keep your enemies......or in my case, obsessed ex's close" so to speak. It's a horrible way to live, but sometimes our only option.

Whatever your situation may be.......do what you feel you're most comfortable with. My exabf is a complete wack job. I had to leave state because of his antics............but.......at least I knew what he was up to by his phone messages and that gave me the time I needed to get to safety. As far as the frequency of the calls. He called at least 50 times the day I was packing to leave. It becomes an obsession and that can be very dangerous. All said with love.

AllTooSober

Thank you Loves, your ex certainly sounds like a scary guy. I really can't say what he'd do in this situation. He has obsessed about some things in the past, but those were about THINGS and not people. If I set up the call forwarding thing, I will still know when he's called, but he won't be able to leave a message. I would still have some idea of what he's up to.

If he ever did show up I would have no problem calling the police if he refuses to leave or gets belligerent or worse.

This seems like a minor point right now but when I told him I was leaving (over the phone no less) I *did* ask him not to call as my mind was made up. It's just the latest version of his violating my boundaries. Grr.

Lovestoomuch

I suppose it all depends on how he handled the breakup. With my ex.......not that i was a thing....lol...or at least I hope I wasn't.....but in any case I was his possession. Once he lost his possession, he became obsessed with getting it back. ..........and boundaries?? We have those??

Sorry.......it just hit me that as hard as I tried.....my ex crossed each and every line I ever drew. Grrrrrr is right!!

AllTooSober

See, I don't know how he's handled the breakup. I moved out while he was out of state on vacation, and told him about it over the phone. I did that because I was afraid he'd go on an evil bender and possibly hurt me if I told him in person. (He's never been violent to me but I know how alcoholism escalates, so he might become violent eventually.) I haven't talked to him since the over-the-phone breakup. I imagine he's confused and lonely and hurt, maybe even mad. I always imagined he'd take to wallowing in self-pity and drowning his sorrows before he'd take to stalking, or worse, but you just never know.

Grace

I just posted this recently. After breaking up with my Abf and finally getting a place of my own, he started calling. I made the mistake of answering the phone, as I thought we could still be friends. WRONG! Because I was still very vulnerable to his games, I came back. Now I am in the same exact position that I was before I moved out. Someone just said to me that 'insanity' is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome. If I had it all to do over again, I would have NEVER picked up that phone. I'm in the same hole again with a mean miserable drunk. My mistake! If you are afraid, keep a baseball bat with you. And thank God that you would call the police if he ever hit you.

My A goes on benders every weekend and has a tendency to become evil. I absolutely hate the living in fear. I admire you for getting away from him. Don't fall for his games! He'll probably try to get you back. They can't stand it when we finally walk away. I think it's a pride thing.

Be strong and be safe!
God Bless You!
Grace

AllTooSober

Grace, I know how right you are. It's why I don't pick up the phone or return his calls. It's also why I'm not going to call and tell him to knock it off... any sign of life from me would be too encouraging to him, even if I tell him where to stick his manipulative tactics. I guess I'm just trying to find a way to stop the messages from coming without inspiring him to try and find me. It's a delicate balance.

denny57

ATS - is there a way to have certain numbers blocked on your cell without them knowing they're being blocked? Does that make sense?

I'd weigh which concerns me most - I never did change any of my numbers. But I changed the locks on the doors and got an alarm put in. I don't answer any calls that come through as "private number" or "unknown caller." In the end, I got three letters from AH, but that stopped, too, when I didn't answer.

I can share that as time has gone by and I got busy with my own life, I don't think about these things as much; they have lost their importance. I hope it works that way for you, too.

((()))

AllTooSober

Hi Denny,
I can't do that on my cell phone but I can on my house phone. The caller gets a message stating that the number isn't receiving calls right now. So, if I set my cell to forward unanswered calls to my house, and it's from him, in theory the call will be blocked.

He doesn't know my new home number and he doesn't know where I'm living. I am going to do whatever it takes to keep it that way.

You are right, though, as time progresses this will feel less important. It's already starting to fade, since it's getting a little easier to delete the messages, unheard.

HolyQow

Why kind of messages was he leaving you? I'm just asking because if it's something like how to pay a bill online, or something else that you always took care of.....I don't know, that's probably co-dependancy rearing it's head, but I would want to tie up all the "technical issues" ..... so if it isn't him whining that he can change, he wants you back, yada yada yada...then I might be apt to answer one call.....knowing my limits before doing so....not "falling for it" and ending the call if it isn't what how you thought the conversation should go.

Everyone talks about closure....and whether he is an A or not, he had none. You left while he was out of town. I know that's not your problem. You did what you had to do to keep yourself safe. But now it's becoming a different problem. It's your call (no pun intended), but I know if it was me, I would have to tell him one last time.

As for blocking numbers....my father used to have that feature enabled, until the night I went into the hospital two months early, premature labor, and I called and called and called from the hospital, only to find out that hospital numbers do not show up on caller id. It is treated as a private number, or blocked number, and he never got the calls. So I do not reccommend that option at all. As for forwarding it to your home phone, who's to say that it comes back to him as "#555-1234 cannot accept your call" ......then he gets your new number. Wouldn't want to risk that.

Do whatever keeps you the safest. You can always wait until you're stronger and make a decision then.

AllTooSober

One message mentioned that he wasn't getting any mail, so it was good that I heard that because I had caused the mail stoppage and I needed to fix it. Another message asked if we were never going to talk again. The third one I didn't listen to at all, and in the fourth one he talked about something he heard on the radio that reminded him of our happy early days, and I deleted that one before he could finish. It smacked of emotional manipulation.

Since we weren't married, there weren't many technical aspects to tie up. As for closure, it's true he didn't get very much. I'd told him for months that I couldn't live with the drinking forever and that if he took too long to decide to quit that I'd take that decision from him, so this shouldn't have been a big surprise. But, As aren't rational thinkers, are they.

I tested my call forwarding and blocking combo, and it's pretty slick. I can block specific numbers, not just anonymous ones, and the message doesn't identify the phone number. I just think that if I talk to him to tell him to leave me alone it'll have the opposite effect.. that he'll keep calling me because he knows eventually I'll call back.

Or am I creating drama where there is none?

HolyQow

I don't think it's drama at all. You are not letting it become drama. You are in control of what you do, or in this case, what you choose to not do.

The mail thing, that's the kind of stuff I was talking about. Then it seems after that legitimate excuse to call, he is now making reasons to call. Nope, I don't think you have to answer it. Get a post office box, and tell him to send any further corespondence there because this number will no longer be in service after such and such date.....we know two things: 1. Most guys won't write a letter and 2. They don't even know where the post office is! lol
Then you would be able to change your number without much problem.