mskirtland

Hi everyone. I hope someone out there can help me 'cause I feel like I'm all alone here.

My husband and I have been dealing with his alcoholism for the past 6 months. Before alcohol took over, he was a wonderful man... now he is a shell of his former self; depressed, out of control, unreliable... When he is drunk he is verbally abusive to all of us and physically "rough" with our middle daughter (5 years old). He smells like mouthwash quite a lot but assures me that he is not drinking. I think he's drinking every day but is noticeably drunk once or twice a month.
I'm not a weak woman - I do have an exit plan - but, financially, it would be better to wait until my little one is old enough for pre-school (in about a year). In the mean time I am trying hard to be dispassionate about his drinking, hoping that he will find the strength that I know he has inside...
Forgive me if this next question sounds naive but, what should I do with the bottles that I find hidden around the house? There is one now that I recently found hidden in the shed and I'm sure that, if I looked hard enough I'd find more. I can't stand the thought of enabling but I know that throwing them out won't stop his drinking either. If I leave it then I feed his illness... but the only consequence I can imagine to throwing it out would be to anger and agitate him.

What have you done with the secret bottles?

Also, I'm thinking about requiring that he take a breathalyzer test before being allowed to enter the house. Have any of you tried this before?

Thanks for all your help.

-Strong but Confused.

Sunflower

He is""rough"" with your 5 year old??? That sounds a lot more serious than where he is hiding his bottle and what to do with them....you cannot afford to wait to leave him--it must be done asap for the sake of your children--his violent behavoir is just going to get worse..you need to do some serious planning here to get out asap

denny57

I agree with frizzy.

To answer your questions: I'd leave the bottles and start attending Al-Anon. The support found there could help you through the next year, whether you leave at the end of it or not. I attended some nice meetings in Portland.

Good luck and welcome to the site!

lilac

Welcome to SR.....I agree with the above posts.

Is there al-anon meetings in your area?

Please know that you are not alone in this. Alcoholism is progressive. If the alcoholic does not stop drinking, the irrational behaviors will only increase.

I used to pull the bottles that I found hidden out and give them to my AH........useless to point it out or pour it out. If they want the drink they are gonna find it.

Please take care of yourself and your children....

mjpaao

mskirtland,
I am a recovering alcoholic, sober almost 2 years. I think you should stay clear of ANY situation that will make your husband angry. I agree with frizzylynn, you need to be more concerned about your kids. Don't forget, this is a progressive disease, he'll only continue to get worse until he gives up alcohol, more "rough, " increasingly violent. Take care of yourself and your kids and try to get some distance while you sort things out. Alcohol is a very scary drug, get your kids out of there.

WantsOut

How rough is rough? What do you mean exactly? I'm sure you know your first obligation is to the children.

newenglandgirl

Hi there mskirtland. I am so sorry to hear about your troubles. I am glad you found SR. There's lots of wisdom and support here. Welcome! I hope you keep posting.

Listen, I know you are in the thick of it all right now, so it's probably hard for you see what's going on clearly. Yup, we've all been there. It sucks.
But the sad fact of the matter is that your husband is an alcoholic and his behavior is harming your children. You need to get them away from him. They WILL be adversely affected by what is going on. So please, do what you have to. I know it might seem to you like this is overreacting a bit...but that is just because you are so used to his inappropriate and abusive b.s. It creeps up on us, and before we know it, it doesn't hit us how BAD it really is.

keep us posted.

neg.

ICU

Welcome to SR Mskirtland.

Not much to add as others have already said it well.

I too would be very concerned about him being 'physically rough' with your daughter.

Please read as many posts and the stickies at the top as you can. There's lots of people who have shared their experiences that have been in similar situations as you are in.

Again, welcome, and please keep coming back.

itiswhatitis...

the one time i found bottles - in his golf bag - is the one time i confronted him - i didn't care if i agitated him or not - i was pissed - i asked him if he didn't have a problem than why in ht h#ll would he hide little bottles? - it brought things to a head for us - but at least we talked about it - i do have to admit that it also fed my need to search for bottles for a time but thankfully, i got over that part of my problem in short time - that searching would enrage me...

i've been and am going through things in my life that are really testing me - issues with my son, husband, and sister - hell the whole fr*&^in family - but in all of this i have to be honest with myself - if i feel like being pissed i am - i have to feel and say what i feel and the rest of them be damned - maybe not the right thing but *to thine own self be true* - i have to be that way...

godspeed,
s

Pick-a-name

I'd say forget about the breathalyzer,the hidden bottles (just a waste of money, he WILL buy more) and concentrate on you and the kids. For some practical tips,etc see "Getting Them Sober" books (free preview chapters at http://www.GettingThemSober.com) ,Alanon,reading and posting here,etc. Save your energy for that!

Glad you are here!

hope2bhappy

Hi, mskirtland. I can't add much more to the above.

Give up the bottle search. For every 1 you seek and destroy, 5 more will show up elsewhere. This is a futile passtime and will only keep you upset and angry.

I agree with everyone else about the 5 year old. Even though you might think she's handling it well, she is learning some pretty bad behavior... such as, it's okay, and expected, to be roughed up by her boyfriend when she is 15. She won't forget these early days of her life.

Help maintain her innocence and safety. Get out and don't go back until he is sober and working a program to stay that way.

mskirtland

Thank you all sooo much for your support and wisdom (even if it hurts to hear). This is such a scarey time.

To answer "WantsOut" above: "rough" means grabbing her by the arm and spinning her around to face him because he's mad... knocking her down when she is in his way... pushing (shoving) her down into her chair because she won't sit still. This is disgusting behavior, mean and cruel. He has not, thank God, hit, kicked, or even bruised any of us. At this point, my 5 year old suffers more from the emotional scarring than from physical injury. Right now I am most concerned about his being drunk when he drives them to the park, grandma's, etc...

Please, your perspective is incredibly helpful.

-m

hope2bhappy

Everyone on this forum can relate to what you are going through. We have all been where you are, in one way or another. Because of this, we all feel duty-bound to wave the red flags and warn you about the path ahead. The truth is... none of us can control the actions of the alcoholic anymore than we can convince you of the dangers your children could be facing. I've noticed that not many of us really believed it could get as bad as it did. It's kind of like having to learn life by going through the school of hard knocks.

Bruises will fade and go away, but the emotional damage will last a lifetime.

I hate that your AH pushes your sweet little girl around. I hate that he drives your kids around while he is drunk. And I hate that you let him do all this. I wish that you would leave. Sorry if this is not what you want to hear.

ICU

That's not a father, or even a man, that's a coward!!

In my unproffesional opinion, this is becoming the model for her when she grows up and begins dating....not to even mention how this is damaging her self esteem and self worth with respect to everything else she do in the future.

There is a STRONG possibility that this will become normal for her to accept in future relationships. I speak from experience. I had a lot of childhood damage I needed to unravel and I didn't begin to do that until I ended my abusive relationship with my ex.


Not yet anyway. Now matter how you slice or dice it, that's ABUSE!

In addition to the above, and him driving them when he's drunk....there's some extremely serious child endangerment/abuse issues here.

Knowing what I know now, I'd get him away from my children. I don't have kids so I can't speak to just how difficult that may be to do.

If someone else was doing this to your kids, what you would do then???

Sorry, I know I came on strong, but this is a real sore point for me. I better stop now and take a few deep breaths!

splendra

Your daughter has no defenses against your husband please please get her out of that situation before a real tragedy happens...

denny57

Yes, it is. What concerns me is that you are minimizing it. I recognize it because I did it. There is a strong possibility by the time something worse happens you will minimize that, too. My thinking about what was "normal" became so distorted I stare back on it in horror.

As a little girl who was grabbed angrily, slapped, pushed, and more by her mother, I promise you that you are setting her up to get into a relationship down the road with someone who abuses her in one way or another. She won't call it abuse, either. I didn't.

Much love to you.

free2be

I used to refer to my AH being rough with my son. I chalked it up to a father trying to make his son into a man. I knew it was more but, I minimized it. Now, the realtionship between the two is very damaged. They have barely spoken in years and my son has lost a lot of respect for him. It saddens me and I blame myself. You have no control over him. Try and be true to yourself. Hang in there.

splendra

I am bumping this one up cause I want it to be easy for ((((mskirtland)))) to find it...

Over_It

Hi mskirtland,

Intuition is powerful and not to be ignored. Your story so resonates with me. Just like you can't make your A get help, no one can tell you exactly what to do - it's up to you. There's no magic solution and life is just messy - that's a fact. I have to step in with my little ones when AH is "just playing" and it's too much for them, and then of course it's always an unpleasant fight between he and I, but I'm an adult and I have more power than the kids do. A's just aren't in their right mind.

If you were small, what would you need your protector to do for you when the other person who's supposed to be protecting you is hurting you? If your girlfriend was telling you this stuff, what would you tell her? Do that. Love yourself as much as you would love your best friend.

Yesterday it occurred to me, as I was lamenting and greiving that AH isn't the same vibrant man that I married, that it's like he's Bilbo Baggins and he's had the ring for too long - it's taking over. Nasty, ugly monstrosity that it is.

It can be easy for us, like a frog sitting in a pot of water on the stove, to really be deceived about where we're at sometimes when we're weighing quality of life and the reality of logistics for those precious babies.

Remember, you have *not* lost your mind and you are *not* overreacting, no matter how many times he quacks at you. You have intuition for a reason - it's a base survival tool that was given to us to keep us and our babies alive. Use it.

kermit

My AH did the same, hide bottles. I threw him out after a incident with one of the kids. I felt that I coulnd and would not take a risk when it came to my kids.
Your husband IS my husband. It only getts worse.
What I did with the bottles? Opened them and threw them at him and told him to explain to his kids that he is nolonger in the home because Daffy loves these bottles mor then them.
I don't suggest this, but it sure felt good!