new here, need advice!
 

Hi everyone :)

Well, I've been reading all of your posts for a few weeks now (isn't that what everyone says?!). My ex gf is an alcoholic, who I still keep in touch with on a daily basis, as it's hard to suddenly cut someone out of your life who has become such a big part of it for several years. Anyway, to make a long story short, she was sober for a year when she was with me and relapsed several times, after we broke up, after trying to get clean again, and she most recently has been sober for 17 days as of today. She hasn't told me she's out drinking, but it's a fair assumption for me to stay that she is... no returned phone calls, no text messages, no car in the parking lot (we live in the same apartment complex).

So I'm sitting here wondering all night where she is, knowing very well that I'm codependent, knowing very well that I can't control it and that no matter how much I think about it and cry about it, I can't change what's happening. I've done a lot of reading Al-Anon and AA material, a lot of reading your posts, knowing that I need to let go and keep my mind occupied, but I just can't seem to do it. I'm dreading going to bed because I know I won't sleep - I know that I'll continually wake up during the night, wondering if she's okay, wondering what her excuse will be tomorrow.

I made her my life for the two years we were together and I'm unsure how to get my life back. I know that I've been an amazing influence in her life, I know that she's a completely different person when she's with me and sober than when she's without me and drunk, and it hurts watching someone change like that right before your eyes.

What do you guys do to keep yourself busy? It seems no matter how much I try to read or watch a movie, or even hang out with a friend or talk on the phone, I'm still thinking about her - or I start again the second I finish my activity. I know what I have to do, I know that it will get better with time, but I just don't know how to stop being so codependent. How do I let go of someone I love so much? I know I need to, I just don't know how, and I'm tired of sitting here crying and worrying.

Thanks for letting me vent a bit :) I hope to get to know everyone better!

You made HER your life the two years you were together. Therein lies the problem. You didn't make YOU your life. I understand you have feelings of love for her, but love means having to let go. If you don't you will be an empty shell waiting for her to retur so she can once again be YOUR life. Hon, you are every bit as sick as she is. I don't mean that in an insulting way. I mean that as someone who spent her entire life living everyone else's life except my own. I didn't know what I felt, how I felt, or why I felt. I was completely preoccupied with sleepless nights trying to figure out why the man in my life did what he did, said what he said, why he put the booze before me.

Heck, I figured out my AH's family history in detail while ignoring getting into mine!

It's not about having projects and keeping yourself "busy." That is avoidance. Avoidance of your feelings. Avoidance of what is. Basically, the stuff we do in recovery is face ourselves (and it hurts!) by going to Al-Anon, through a connection with the God of our understanding, by praying, by getting into counseling. You can't get her our of your heart or your mind by taking up a project.

So here's a suggestion: if you want a truly meaningful project, make that project YOU. Whatever lengths you need to go to, whatever pain you have to go through .... make your numero uno project YOU.

Thanks so much for your quick reply and your honest words... I know what I need to do, it's just so hard to let go. I never dreamed we'd ever be apart or I'd ever be talking about letting her go, and I would have never imagined it would be this hard to put myself first.

Lately I'e found it useful to think about that "relationship obsession" that I think you're feeling (and that I know only too well myself), and compare it to the alcohol addiction. You know, what they must feel like if they've been off of it for a few days ... thinking to themselves, "I've been so good. What's the harm?" Just like we think, "I haven't called in like four days. I just want to see how s/he is doing." It's all a rationalization to continue doing something that isn't good for us. It's about allowing the addiction in for a stay and being glad to see it, old familiar friend that it is. It's a seduction in which we play ourselves.

Just some thoughts.

Your "name" is InThisForMe. So, okay, let it begin with you so you can live a life that is for YOU. Of course it is painful as all get-out to let go. Hon, I've been living in a hotel room for 16 days, with no job, no money, and living on credit while my AH is living in our house trying to get his head on "straight." He is doing all sorts of house projects. Pulling a dry drunk and tryin to negotiate his sobriety with me. LOL!!! In fact, he told me he could be reasonably "happy" living alone and doing all sorts of house projects. Yeah, happy and happily in denial about HIS addiction.

I could sit here and be angry, feel life is giving me a bum deal, worry about him, or feel like I deserve righteous revenge. Am I a saint? Heck no! I just see it for what it is. I was run through an emotional wringer with an addict. I tried to have rational conversations with him. I tried to understand him. I stood by him through three rehabs. So what? I didn't have a life. Living alone in a hotel room with a crock pot, a small microwave and a small refrigerator is more of a life - because it is MINE - than I ever had with him.

You are hurting. You are frustrated. You want this to be the happily-ever-after ending you envisioned. There is still hope. Let her go for now. Focus all of your energies on you - NOT avoiding yourself with projects but getting in touch with yourself. Believe me, you will get through this if you just recognize that you are a valuable human being regardless of whether or not she is in your life or not.

WantsOut, brilliant reply!
 

You said it in a lot fewer words and far better than I! How right you are. That obsession to pick up the phone, to leave a note, to send an email. We are so willing to grab at the tiny little crumbs they toss our way .... we'll come running when they even give us the least reason to do so. Whew!

Welcome Inthisforme – One place I started was with counting my blessings. Like prodigal said, sometimes the littlest thing can be big when it is yours. I get down a lot too, want to run to him to make myself feel better, and don’t think that sometimes I don’t, I just have the luxury of knowing mine is locked in a jail cell, safe and sober. Sad to think that that comforts me. But, I count my blessing when I get down. I think about my friends, my house, animals, family. If you have to think about them, be thankful that you are able to love someone the way you love her. My friend told me that lots of people are too selfish or materialistic to ever know what it is like to truly love someone and even though it hurts, it is something to be thankful about. As well as that you are loved. Maybe not the way you deserve to be by her but if you give that much love then think of all the love you must get from your other loved ones.
Try to think positive. I picture (no laughing) in the center of my body your “core” and think about my center of being. I focus on that part and think to myself that I am really OK in there. No one can touch me or hurt me if I don’t let them. I calm myself that way when I get upset or nervous or can’t sleep. Believe me, I lost a lot of sleep over the years. All you can do is control you. Hang in there, keep coming here. I haven’t been here that long but I started my first post with the same sentences you did! Hugs…

Bjen, I was thinking the same thing...I started out saying the same thing. I've only been on here a weekish and already I feel better. It's empowering just knowing that other people are going through the same thing and dealing with the same thing.
Isthisforme, one thing I learned quickly by reading all these amazing posts was that I need to start living my life-no matter how hard or scary or crazy that seems. I constantly find myself consumed with AH's life-wondering where he is and what he's doing and if he's okay and what can I do to make it better. The truth is I can't make it better. So I've been trying to do things that I would want to do and if he's a part of that okay and if not okay.
And please don't get me wrong! It's hard! I have plans for saturday and sunday with my girlfriends and I'm a nervous wreck. It's hard to imagine going on with my life. It's hard to imagine even having a good time and not being consumed with him. Why's he not answering the phone. Is he home? Is he on the road? Is he drunk? How bad is it? But, I'm going to do it anyway. I'm going to do it afraid if I have to. Because what I have to do is find me.
And you have to find you! You were somebody before her and no matter how much you love her she has to do what she thinks is best for her and you have to do the same. When they can do better they will do better. And that goes for us to...we can only do what we can do. Take baby steps! You posting on here is a great step! Bravo! So many people rooting for you and believing for you to succeed!

Fishing Worked For Me . . .
 

My alcoholic was a gym dandy; held the record at a couple of treatment centers for BAC numbers among women . . .

So when she relapsed, I went right into the toilet. First time it happened, I sat in my little dumpy house staring at the wall and smoking cigarettes (I've been nicotine free for coming up on 17 years now).

Second time I hopped in the car and went fishing on a trout stream south of here even though it was the middle of March. I'd forced myself to pick up an old hobby just for the distraction . . .

The advice the pros give is: "Do something, even if it's wrong." Well, anything that takes the focus of the alcoholic so the head can't play KFU----(Better be careful, CC, that one might be in violation of the rules. Anyway, the term is KF-- Radio for the extreme ruminating some of us get into, who would probably be better off crying).

Here's a list of hobbies just off the top of my head: Photography, painting, ceramics, the aforementioned fishing--I tie some gorgeous flies nowadays--wodworking, stamp or coin collecting... You can name your own and everyone will be cheering for you . . .

I'd advise against gambling. I went to Vegas one time right after a really nasty split up . . . Dropped five hundred bucks I didn't have . . .

Showed her, right? ;-)

i had to accept that i was an addict, too. i was addicted to the alcoholic in my life. beyond reason, i was addicted to him. he smelled sweeter than any man i have ever known, just to touch him and feel the texture of his skin was a "fix", the air immediately around his physical body was like a drug.....when i breathed in the air around him, it sank all the way down to my toes.

and this is not how i am, people. i have walked away from several relationships with not so much as a tear. walked away so easily, that it was disturbing to me. but when i met him, i was spell cast.

i was addicted. and that included everything that went along with him....his alcoholism, chaos, abuse, joy, fear, good times, bad times....you name it....i was addicted to it......and to him.

once i realized that i would have to treat him like my drug of choice, i had to approach my recovery just like an alcoholic or drug addict would approach their recovery.

they say one day at a time....hells fire....for me, it has been one second at a time many, many times....just to keep from feeding my addiction.

so acceptance that i was an addict was probably among the last realizations i had that helped me tremendously get on with my life.

in the beginning, i did things by rote.....went to al-anon, read, followed lists, i was a walking robot. until i understood that i was just as addicted to my husband as he was to alcohol, my recovery stood still.

Ditto - ditto - ditto.....good advice from everyone ...the best than can be had. Experience in the recovery end of it is truly the best teacher....we can advise him to read all kind of books but our stories and experiences are what he's going to relate to....good job everyone.

newbie
 

I can identify with inthisforme and others. I am new here as well. I broke up with BF ten days ago and didn't realize how addicted to him I was. I have to "grieve the loss of the dream" as my sister used to say. I have to let go of what I thought we had, or will have. At the same time I won't give up hope or stop loving him. I will just love him from a distance and wait until the sober him contacts me. But while I am waiting I am working on me, for me. One way I get through this is to remember him when he was drunk and stupid and ugly. I don't want that person back, and if the sober person I adore can't be around right now then I have to move on.

But all of this is surprisingly hard. I sit here in amazement at how he could throw us away for booze. He pursued me, he wanted us to live together (which I said no to because of his drinking), he says we are going to be together forever. I would imagine most of us who hook up with addicts/alcoholics are supreme nurturers. And then when they get really sick and really into their drug of choice we are supposed to sit back and watch them destroy themselves. It is going to be the hardest job of nurturing I have ever done...just leaving him alone to wrestle the beast on his own.

Lenore

I promise you, if you do, the obsession will pass. Not today and not tomorrow but it WILL pass.

Hope this weekend is fun!

Well your story sounds like mine regarding the thoughts and feelings.
It was funny when I stepped back to see what my life was, what I liked to do, I found nothing.
She was EVERYTHING to me.

So yes, I was there. I got evolved in Alanon. I went to all the functions, meetings, get togethers.
I became a literature chairman at one meeting and got on committees for other events.
I used the phone lists I got from my meeting to call people, and bout I did.
I worked the steps with my sponsor.


And slowly things changed. I saw myself because I was working on myself and with others.
It does happen, it will happen.

Just hang in there.

Thanks everyone, I really appreciate all of your posts!

I did get a drunken phone call in the middle of the night, and when my phone rang again this morning, all I heard was how I can't control her life, she needs to make mistakes on her own, and to let her do what she wants. She doesn't want to talk, she wants to keep her drinking buddies and her drinking life, even though I've believed her so many times in the past few months that this was "it." No more people like that in her life. On the phone, I got no apologies for her swearing at me or hanging up on me, no apologies for the way she treats me. I told her to call me when she gets her life together.

I am addicted to her; I'm addicted to the "old" her - the sober one, the one I created so many happy memories with. I'm addicted to thinking she will return, that that will return, so much so that it's all I think about. I hope I'm strong enough to let go, for myself.

Who knew being in love would be this complicated?

That's the best freudian slip I've seen in a long time. :)

Keep evolving Mr. C!

L

...........who said it was a slip?

Hang in there INTHISFORME. Its probably one of the hardest things you will ever have to deal with in your life but if you work on YOU it will get better and you will learn ALOT from it! I know that I personally have gotten more help from this message forum than any other outlet...including Alanon. I love reading others' stories (makes me feel like I'm less of a crazy person! LOL) and getting advice from the "been there done that crowd". Everybody here has simliar stories. We understand ALL TOO WELL what you are going through. We are all also in different stages of recovery. We've caved in. We've been strong. We've left. We've taken them back. The point is we are all HERE because we realized WE need help! Our A's may never stop drinking. They may die or go insane from their disease. But if WE don't seek help for US they will take us with them!! And trust me: this group will make you feel better because they have patience and understanding like no other!! (nothing like a bunch of codies to help you get through your problems!! :D )

Sometimes when newbies come here (myself included) we have a good idea of what we NEED to do to help ourselves (its pretty much common sense). Unfortunately its not always easy to do what needs to be done. Like someone said "the road to recovery is simple--not easy". Meaning its a simple idea that we need to put ourselves first and let go of their problems...but its easier said than done! :) With time and patience with yourself you will get there. There will most likely be some bumps in the road but eventually with work you will get there!