Hello from a newbie
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 3
Hello from a newbie
I'm just introducing myself at the suggestion of the moderator.
Unlike many of you here I am not married to an A. Instead my father was the A. He died three months ago from a detox induced heart attack (he had just had a stress test weeks earlier and was doing pretty good) at home at the age of 62. He did not really get bad with the alcohol until after I graduated from high ten years ago and moved out of the house. So, I never really experienced a lot of the things you all are going through. He and my mom were still together and lived in FL. She could never bring herself to leave him because when he was sober he was the same wonderful man she had married. Every time they were planning on coming to visit me he would get sober because otherwise my mom would not have let him come visit. So I never saw first hand all of the detox symptoms. I just heard about them from my mom and I heard about other stories sometimes. Him hiding bottles all over the house and her finding them and throwing them away. And then when he would find out he would go into a rage. Him leaving the house for days without telling her where he was. Luckily he never killed anyone on the road. However he did have one DUI. He entered rehab three times and would get sober and vow to never touch a drink again. He joined AA and had a sponser. Of course none of this worked. My mom said that the reason the drinking started and kept going on was because he was so very haunted by how he was a sniper in Vietnam. He would tell her very little. I never heard any of the stories.
There were times however that he did drink around my sister and I and there would be the nasty, mean behavior and yelling. He would call me at home and at work when he was in FL. I would see his number on the caller ID and I would cringe because I never knew whether he would be drunk or sober. If he was drinking he would usually say mean and nasty things. I always talked to him because I knew one day I might regret it if I didn't. Same with emails -mean and nasty. Sometimes I would delete them and not reply. Sometimes I did reply and tell him off in the email.
The last time I talked to him was on Thanksgiving on my birthday. Thankfully he was sober and we had a nice but short conversation. The 10 more days that he lived he was drinking and I only received his mean emails. I didn't respond to them. The morning of Dec. 4 my mother called to say he had woken her up early complaining that he was having this excrutiating pain just below his ribs. My mom got up to take him to the hospital. She got him dressed. She got dressed. He sat down at the dining room table and she went to grab a piece of toast from the kitchen (so she could take her diabetes meds) and grab her purse. She heard a horrible crash and went running to the dining room. My dad had passed out, hit his head on the dining table and was lying on the tile floor in a pool of blood. The paramedics were never able to revive him.
Fast forward to now and even though I was not there when it happened I have pictures in my head of my dad hitting his head on the table and falling, bleeding everywhere. I think about how horrible it must have been for my mom to see him on the floor and call the paramedics and try to give him CPR. I also think about about how I never got to say goodbye to him like someone does who's loved one dies from something like cancer. This above all is haunting me the most. I think about how if it weren't for the drinking he would still be here with my family. HE would still get to be a grandfather to his only grandson who is only 9 months old. He loved my son so much! My son will never know his grandfather. He will never know my sister's children. I just still can't believe he is gone and I will never see him again. Holidays will never be the same. My mom has said a couple of times that he is now in peace. Vietnam and his demons will never haunt him again.
I'm not sure exactly why I joined this group. I guess I joined hoping that I would be able to find some other people who have gone through the same thing. Thanks for listening.
Unlike many of you here I am not married to an A. Instead my father was the A. He died three months ago from a detox induced heart attack (he had just had a stress test weeks earlier and was doing pretty good) at home at the age of 62. He did not really get bad with the alcohol until after I graduated from high ten years ago and moved out of the house. So, I never really experienced a lot of the things you all are going through. He and my mom were still together and lived in FL. She could never bring herself to leave him because when he was sober he was the same wonderful man she had married. Every time they were planning on coming to visit me he would get sober because otherwise my mom would not have let him come visit. So I never saw first hand all of the detox symptoms. I just heard about them from my mom and I heard about other stories sometimes. Him hiding bottles all over the house and her finding them and throwing them away. And then when he would find out he would go into a rage. Him leaving the house for days without telling her where he was. Luckily he never killed anyone on the road. However he did have one DUI. He entered rehab three times and would get sober and vow to never touch a drink again. He joined AA and had a sponser. Of course none of this worked. My mom said that the reason the drinking started and kept going on was because he was so very haunted by how he was a sniper in Vietnam. He would tell her very little. I never heard any of the stories.
There were times however that he did drink around my sister and I and there would be the nasty, mean behavior and yelling. He would call me at home and at work when he was in FL. I would see his number on the caller ID and I would cringe because I never knew whether he would be drunk or sober. If he was drinking he would usually say mean and nasty things. I always talked to him because I knew one day I might regret it if I didn't. Same with emails -mean and nasty. Sometimes I would delete them and not reply. Sometimes I did reply and tell him off in the email.
The last time I talked to him was on Thanksgiving on my birthday. Thankfully he was sober and we had a nice but short conversation. The 10 more days that he lived he was drinking and I only received his mean emails. I didn't respond to them. The morning of Dec. 4 my mother called to say he had woken her up early complaining that he was having this excrutiating pain just below his ribs. My mom got up to take him to the hospital. She got him dressed. She got dressed. He sat down at the dining room table and she went to grab a piece of toast from the kitchen (so she could take her diabetes meds) and grab her purse. She heard a horrible crash and went running to the dining room. My dad had passed out, hit his head on the dining table and was lying on the tile floor in a pool of blood. The paramedics were never able to revive him.
Fast forward to now and even though I was not there when it happened I have pictures in my head of my dad hitting his head on the table and falling, bleeding everywhere. I think about how horrible it must have been for my mom to see him on the floor and call the paramedics and try to give him CPR. I also think about about how I never got to say goodbye to him like someone does who's loved one dies from something like cancer. This above all is haunting me the most. I think about how if it weren't for the drinking he would still be here with my family. HE would still get to be a grandfather to his only grandson who is only 9 months old. He loved my son so much! My son will never know his grandfather. He will never know my sister's children. I just still can't believe he is gone and I will never see him again. Holidays will never be the same. My mom has said a couple of times that he is now in peace. Vietnam and his demons will never haunt him again.
I'm not sure exactly why I joined this group. I guess I joined hoping that I would be able to find some other people who have gone through the same thing. Thanks for listening.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Welcome to SR, I think you joined this group because you knew you belonged with us.... Your in so much pain hon and we really do understand.
My Mom died in March of 03....I miss her so much. She was the First Alcoholic in my life and died living alone so I dont know if it was quickly... I pray it was. I dont know which is worse.... My Father died a very slow death. He could not eat, talk, walk, nothing.... he could do nothing for himself and he was like that for 2 years after his strokes and heartattacks... I got to say goodbye to him for 2 years.... I did not get to say goodbye to my Mom ..
Sometimes we are just not ment to say goodbye. There is no good way and the pain that I felt both times was my pain... it was because I could not let go and I made a million reasons why it was unfair.... I guess today Im just thankful ... Who knows why God did it that way, maybe my Mom was not strong enough or did not live life enough to be able to do it slow, so God did not make her.... anyway I look at it the bottom line is
I believe they can still hear me, I know they are in a much better place and I know they dont have pain anymore. I know they are together and that they still love me.
So go ahead and say your goodbyes hon. He will hear you.
My Mom died in March of 03....I miss her so much. She was the First Alcoholic in my life and died living alone so I dont know if it was quickly... I pray it was. I dont know which is worse.... My Father died a very slow death. He could not eat, talk, walk, nothing.... he could do nothing for himself and he was like that for 2 years after his strokes and heartattacks... I got to say goodbye to him for 2 years.... I did not get to say goodbye to my Mom ..
Sometimes we are just not ment to say goodbye. There is no good way and the pain that I felt both times was my pain... it was because I could not let go and I made a million reasons why it was unfair.... I guess today Im just thankful ... Who knows why God did it that way, maybe my Mom was not strong enough or did not live life enough to be able to do it slow, so God did not make her.... anyway I look at it the bottom line is
I believe they can still hear me, I know they are in a much better place and I know they dont have pain anymore. I know they are together and that they still love me.
So go ahead and say your goodbyes hon. He will hear you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
Hi,
I'm glad you came here to share- it will help you and it will help others who read and can identify with what you have experienced. On forums like this one, our pain does not go to waste and as sorry as I am for your pain, I know that you have gained some inner strength due what you have endured.
The name of this forum is 'Friends & Family of Alcoholics' so, because of your dad's disease you definitely fit here, except that now you are among some new friends and a wonderful 'recovery family' too.
I'm glad you came here to share- it will help you and it will help others who read and can identify with what you have experienced. On forums like this one, our pain does not go to waste and as sorry as I am for your pain, I know that you have gained some inner strength due what you have endured.
The name of this forum is 'Friends & Family of Alcoholics' so, because of your dad's disease you definitely fit here, except that now you are among some new friends and a wonderful 'recovery family' too.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: OHIO
Posts: 959
Hello KC...welcome...
Like you I watched a parent die from alcoholism...my mother who I was estranged from for 20 years died a year ago from complications of alcoholism...she had divorced my father in 1988 after 32 years of marriage and after having 6 kids with him...he idolized the very ground she walked on or should I say drank on...I always thought that they would surely reconciliate their marriage....but that was not to be...my father died suddenly from a heart attack 4 years after their divorce...my mother never dated anyone else again and swore that he was the love of her life and the biggest mistake she ever made was divorcing the only person on earth who really loved her....and she was right. And like you hun I had to seperate myself from my mother even tho I loved her for who she was in my life...I couldnt and wouldnt watch her die slowly....she lived till the age of 73 and died in the bathroom over a toilet.....my youngest brother found her..it was not pretty and he is scarred for life with that memory. Now he drinks himself....the disease lives on..
You belong here alright hun...just like we all do. Keep your chin up and remember that he really is in a better place and he has no more pain...day by day we all get better and only time can heal us.
Like you I watched a parent die from alcoholism...my mother who I was estranged from for 20 years died a year ago from complications of alcoholism...she had divorced my father in 1988 after 32 years of marriage and after having 6 kids with him...he idolized the very ground she walked on or should I say drank on...I always thought that they would surely reconciliate their marriage....but that was not to be...my father died suddenly from a heart attack 4 years after their divorce...my mother never dated anyone else again and swore that he was the love of her life and the biggest mistake she ever made was divorcing the only person on earth who really loved her....and she was right. And like you hun I had to seperate myself from my mother even tho I loved her for who she was in my life...I couldnt and wouldnt watch her die slowly....she lived till the age of 73 and died in the bathroom over a toilet.....my youngest brother found her..it was not pretty and he is scarred for life with that memory. Now he drinks himself....the disease lives on..
You belong here alright hun...just like we all do. Keep your chin up and remember that he really is in a better place and he has no more pain...day by day we all get better and only time can heal us.
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
I lost my 22-year-old brother. He took a lightening strike right through the heart. He was the youngest of seven children. He was away at school at the time. Nobody in my family had a chance to say goodbye to him, so I know the pain you feel, even though he didn't succumb to alcoholism.
When my father died from esophageal cancer, we had only two weeks to say goodbye. And even though we had an opportunity to do so, his death wasn't any easier to get through than my brother's death.
The bottom line is we're never ready emotionally to lose a loved one and the pain and emptiness we feel is great, no matter what the cause of death or whether we had an opportunity to say goodbye or not.
Losing someone you love is unbearably painful. Unfortunately we all go through it. And luckily we all heal in time. You simply can't experience love without experiencing loss. In time your heart will heal and until then, we'll all be here to listen.
Welcome to the forum.
When my father died from esophageal cancer, we had only two weeks to say goodbye. And even though we had an opportunity to do so, his death wasn't any easier to get through than my brother's death.
The bottom line is we're never ready emotionally to lose a loved one and the pain and emptiness we feel is great, no matter what the cause of death or whether we had an opportunity to say goodbye or not.
Losing someone you love is unbearably painful. Unfortunately we all go through it. And luckily we all heal in time. You simply can't experience love without experiencing loss. In time your heart will heal and until then, we'll all be here to listen.
Welcome to the forum.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: pass the bon bons
Posts: 2,363
hello, and welcome...
i'm so sorry for your loss....my mother was an alcoholic and she died on june 7 of lung cancer.......i got to say goodbye to her, i got to take care of her while she was sick.....i'm so sorry you didn't have those things.....i'm so sorry your mother had to go through that......how awful......you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers......i'll pray for you to find the strength to get through this........be strong for your family, and keep coming here......there are so many kind people here who understand just what you are feeling right now......
please, when you can, look into grief counselling.....it helped me so much.....and perhaps AL ANON.....it can help you deal with your father's alcoholism.....it may help to talk to people who can teach you how to cope...
hugs
ayla
i'm so sorry for your loss....my mother was an alcoholic and she died on june 7 of lung cancer.......i got to say goodbye to her, i got to take care of her while she was sick.....i'm so sorry you didn't have those things.....i'm so sorry your mother had to go through that......how awful......you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers......i'll pray for you to find the strength to get through this........be strong for your family, and keep coming here......there are so many kind people here who understand just what you are feeling right now......
please, when you can, look into grief counselling.....it helped me so much.....and perhaps AL ANON.....it can help you deal with your father's alcoholism.....it may help to talk to people who can teach you how to cope...
hugs
ayla
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: the west coast
Posts: 21
Welcome! I'm glad you're here. My mom is an alcoholic and while she's still alive I'm sometimes amazed that she is with how extreme she gets with her binges. I've seen the detox first hand so I know how dangerous it is. I'm so sorry for your loss but I'm glad you found this forum. I'm pretty new here too and it's helped me a lot.
full of hope
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 1,170
Welcome! Alcohol addiction affect so many people and I'm glad you've found SR! It's been a blessing to me! It's real people who know what you are going through and you can't put on price on that! We're all on this ride together!
Look forward to getting to you more!
Look forward to getting to you more!
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