Astro

Hello Friends and Family,

I could use some wisdom from everyone who's divorced from their A.

I have a friend in AA, single Mom who has sole custody of her daughter. I believe she's been divorced approx. 2+ years.

Her ex moved out of state, had another child, and was recently remarried.

That's the history in a nutshell, here's my question: When my friend and her ex talk, he tells her every time that he still loves her. Why would someone continue to say that after they've supposedly moved on?

I understand that it's nice to love someone, but the alcoholic in me also thinks it's denial on his part. Speaking for myself, it was a long time before I admitted that I wasn't in love with my ex anymore, and that I played a huge part in the demise of our marriage.

Thanks in advance for your thoughts.

Scott

denny57

I don't know their history, but getting remarried and having another child in such a short period of time seems fast to me. So it's possible he did not resolve his feelings about his wife before moving on. Some people panic at the thought of being alone and immediately get involved with someone else.

Who knows? I guess if this is someone you're thinking about pursuing a relationship with the question would be how does she feel about him?

The last 18 months have been a real growing period for me, and I made a deliberate choice to not get involved with anyone in a serious way. I have male friends I hang out with. One I think would like to take it further (though according to When Harry Met Sally, they all want to take it further LOL!). I'm not ready. It's different for everyone.

Mr. Christian

Well Scott,

Some do not fall out of love. I’m divorced from my crazy alcoholic wife but truth be told I still love her.
You just know you can not live like that anymore.
You see true love is unconditional, but sometimes things just can not go on do to other people’s actions.

A mother may always love her child also but not always agree with how they live their lives.

Moving on simply means you can not deal with the situation as it is, but you sometimes will keep the feelings.

mallowcup

I thik it means, I'm sorry, it wasn't your fault.

Pick-a-name

My exAH still does and says things that indicate he still loves me (apart from the words); but since he was unwilling to stop drinking and I saw that as a dealbreaker,he divorced me...to move on. I guess the addiction is stronger than the love,is the bottom line.

I can not make sense of much of his thought process and emotionally??? he is doing all he can do not to feel a thing so I am sure that plays into it.

He is sick......if he can not control it,he can't deal with it. Doesn't mean he wouldn't like to (without the effort) it just is reality that he doesn't have the tools and can't without help.

I realized today.........if HE can't make sense of his thoughts and feelings...I certainly won't be able to.

For what it's worth, I still love him but his actions are destructive. If he had Paranoid Schizophrenia and refused to take the medication that would control the disorder,etc., and that put me and/or our children in danger because of his confused thinking, I would not be able to live with him,either. It would not be safe or sensible to subject us to that. That is how I feel about his choice not to get help with his drinking and behaviors. He may not understand it all or agree with it, because he IS ill, but I have to protect us,nonetheless. Doesn't mean I don't love him or wish he would get healthy and act in a way that would restore our marriage/family.

His mind and emotions are impaired....simple as that.

Astro

That's what it would mean if I said it to my ex!

Zoey

Some use the word lightly. I say love ya to program people as there is a form of love there.
I say, I love you, to my 2 good AA buddies, and they say it back, but we know what kind of love it is. It is program love, brother and sister love. Never said lightly. It is pure love.
Depends on if an old habit, or does he explain it to her in detail.
Just my thoughts.

Notoshure

Maybe it's just simply the truth ?

Astro

She's admitted that she still has some feelings for him. I'm in a relationship, and we're just very good friends.

miss communicat

usually, a person will say whatever he/she feels he other person is receptive to.

in order for him to keep telling her he still loves her, there has to be a willing ear.

she isnt clear within. neither is he.this doesn't mean much, though.

i wouldnt interpret it to mean that they will get back together or that they made a mistake. it just means they each have unresolved feelings

mushroom

Because he hasn't moved on.

My exAH does the same thing. I don't really try to interpret it. Could be just habit, after years of marriage. Denial on his part is a strong possibility too. The important thing is that I know it doesn't matter how he feels about me, or what he says, I've ended it and it will not start over.

Who knows what goes on in another's mind anyway, let alone an alcoholic? What's important to her is how she feels about him.

MsGolightly

I think it's possible that her ex still loves her... I think most love never dies, it just changes shape or form. Perhaps getting remarried so quickly was a way to try to erase his ex from his mind, replacing memories of her with ones of his new wife, but it's hard to tell whether or not he means it when he says he loves her. Alcoholics are manipulative and will string along and provide "hope" to whoever will reach out for it, but it's also important to keep in mind that they are human beings who feel the same emotions we do. He could very well still love her, we don't know, because it is hard to turn off your feelings for someone else... but the form of the love and the reason for the love might have changed since their wedding day. Who really knows.