LiLL

AH (dry at the moment) called me on his way home from work yesterday and told me he's asked by HR to submit neccessary documents for his "sick leave" last month. He drank so much and his hemerroid got so bad that it has to be removed. He did have proof for the surgery but he had to figure out a way to explain why he needed to stay home for four weeks before the surgery. (i suppose he wouldn't come clean about his four-week binge!)....

Anyway, when he was telling me that on the phone, I got a little annoyed and said I didn't want to be involved in his lies and that i had no advice to offer. He said OK. When he came home, he looked so depressed. I asked him if it's the "sick leave" thing bothering him and he said "who cares." He skipped dinner, took a shower and went to bed straight. I asked him why he looked so depressed and he said he was very tired and had a stomache ache...

So much had gone through my mind the whole time! I felt good in a way that he's having trouble explaining to the HR, and felt guilty at the same time about acting so cold and not even willing to hear about his troubles. I really wanted to get him to talk, but i just knew i'd say something i'd regret later on... i really wanted to say "what's wrong? please tell me! you can't just sulk like this! you have to deal with your feelings! you will end up drinking again if you go on acting like this. are you mad at me? i'm sorry. just tell the HR this and this and this. you don't have a stomache ache. you're lying. why are you not talking to me? .... " All these words almost slipped from my tougue and i'm very glad at the moment i was able to keep my mouth shut. but i'm also wondering if i'm being cold and uncommunicative myself.

This morning he's still very quiet and went to work exceptionally early (in an ugly shirt he normally doesn't wear to work) .... i kept telling myself not to say anything about the shirt and not to say anything like "are you still mad at me?!" ..... whew.... really glad i didn't.

i don't know if i'm acting in the right way. i guess i'm trying very hard to detach and not to contorl, although i think sometimes i try too hard.

golden4life

Well, I think you're acting the right way simply because you are starting to act for YOU. If you don't want to talk to him about his bad decisions...don't. It appears from your post that you still, very much worry about his feelings, his problems, his drinking...HIS stuff. It is incorrect to think that you can show him the light. That he will start to learn how to properly cope with life and its associated problems. That is believing in something that doesn't exist...your ability to control his drinking. If you are still wondering if you were "cruel", do what I have done, and repeat this question to yourself...

Has my asking him about whatever "issue" of the moment, and him talking about whatever "issue" of the moment ever resulted in him permanently seeking help for his drinking?

My answer is always no. And if your A is still not in a recovery program, you know what your answer is.

LiLL

Thanks golden4life. My answer is indeed... no!

TexasGirl

Hi there,
Like Golden said, you are thinking and concerning yourself with "his stuff," but you are acting like you are not. That's a great first step, I think!!! I hate cliches, but it does call to mind that "fake it till you make it" mantra. I know it's hard, but it sounds like you are doing good.

LiLL

wow... thank you so much TexasGirl. That's really encouraging! i often feel a little ashamed of my slow progress... but i'll keep working/faking it until i make it.

denny57

that's what I did and it really works. Hang in there!

LiLL

OK! all the reason for me to try harder!